Drunken Murmurings

I’m way too drunk on alcohol right now. And you’d be surprised at my spell-check for this short portion that I have written. It’s alarming. Needless to say, I’m glad my ex has found love again. Or some semblance of the security she seeks. Whatever it may be, I hope it brings her the joy she’s so eagerly craved and deserved. I feel like she’s had a pretty tortured life and needs something she can just lean on to get her through the years. Or some such alternative. Well, however the scenario is posed, I’m still abiding my sadness alone. I’m still unfulfilled and yearning. I’m still keenly aware of how unready I actually am, and not just snapping up love from the first real opportunity presented.

I can’t blame her though, she has all the attractiveness of a shiny new plaything. It’s the question of longevity that pervades, and can only be truly answered by the test of time. This is the test I put my conceptualization of love up against. And it was felled by time. And patterns that refused to change. I wonder if she will do this all over again with this new guy, or some permutation of disaster yet unknown. I tend to think my cautious approach the wiser one, not leading me back into love before my divorce had gone final. But I leave everyone to their own devices, as I have no control over this. I wish she would take the time to change within herself the things that would need to be different if new love was to arise in her life. I’ve had and have chances to advance the cause of love in my life, but frankly, I don’t really want love right now. I’m not ready for it and my body is tired from having to do what I do already. If she’s so “on top of it” and “together” that she can handle a new healthy relationship right now than so be it. I have my disabilities, my disadvantages. I work up from the bottom of understanding.

The pleasant news is I’m doing well, and striving to be more than I am, and hoping sincerely to expand my potential. I’m not ready to be your partner, I’m still comprehending my role in the most recent disaster to affect my life. I’m not so rapidly forgetting my responsibility in this thing that I’m willing to make a whole new relationship. I’m not “getting back at you” by doing that. I’m not proving anything to anyone. I’m just doing what’s right by me, for the time being. And it’s hard to do the right thing, and obey the laws of moderation and respect my mental illness. I have no desire to repeat the same mistakes I have made. If I truly felt that I had learned everything I needed to learn from my divorce with Jax, then I would be the first guy to leap at new opportunity. But honestly, I’m a work in progress, and I know what my limits are, and what I can handle, and I’m not pretending to be ok with myself, I ACTUALLY AM OK WITH MYSELF,  which is a big improvement. I’m not abusing my body and eating crap. I’m working hard and applying myself fully. I’m trying to learn new things, while keeping myself in the priority seat of my life. These are benchmarks on the way to self improvement. Something my ex has little need of, apparently. Her admissions have been limited and her comprehension of the tragedy seem stunted. I’m not sure if she’s just going to do the same thing over again, or if my life has had any change over hers whatsoever.  I sense that not much has changed.

I feel more alienated from my peers, yet I revel in my pride over my accomplishments. Without distinguishing myself, I would have very little to praise. It’s my unique nature that makes me do the good job that I do. And I’m all the more excited to get started tomorrow and really hammer out the nature of people’s issues. I find I’m at my best when I can apply myself fully. I don’t know where we are in comparison to each other. How have we both changed? Fucked if I know. I can tell you how I’ve grown, not about how I was the victim. I’m not going to flower it up and make it seem like it all was their fault and I was just doing what I had to do. I’m a realist; if it’s anything I’ve learned from reality, it’s that nothing moves without growth, and growth comes from learning the full scope of things that took place, not just the parts we pretend we only see. Reality is brutal, and unforgiving, and not judgmental. It’s WE who apply the judgement, based on how it affects us. In all honest truth, the facts remain the same. Inarguable. Indistinguishable from the ultimate truth of their being.

I’m a person who accepts his flaws, and proceeds forward. The easy thing do do would be to cover up my flaws and re-engage love under the auspice that everything was going to be just fine and that there was no problem in the first place. I think this would just lead to disaster again for me. Honestly and truly, I’d fail trying to cover up my flaws and dysfunction gone untreated or without remedy. I would be prone to the same catastrophes that had befallen me earlier, only repeated and twice as painful.

I’m never going to suffer the way I did. I promise myself not to fall into the same pit of sadness and despair. I promise.

 

Jax, I hope you are all done learning, and can have a full and wonderful relationship with that guy. But I’m not so quickly healed from such a devastating blow. I have a deeper well of being that reaches it’s depths deep into suffering, a place you’re decision to vacate our life has left me. In times of anguish, I remember myself and hold firm to a belief that all things are dealt to us so that we may learn. And learn I have. I wonder if that feeling is mutual.

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