I’m meeting new people right and left. Sure is fun too, seeing all the mechanics of interaction unfolding. I’ve been chatting with Angie for the past few days, and we’ve been trading video game stories. She’s console inclined, and I grew up on a PC. Though I have no objection to a console , mind you. Just some of my favorite games are usually a mod of some form and therefore locked to a PC based platform. Everything is better when you have the ability to improve an existing product or otherwise utterly recode the game. Like Ultimate Apocalypse. The core game is Dawn of War: Soulstorm and you need all the preceding expansion packs to make all the races unlock. It’s only then that the mod changes everything. But the core game is garbage. I’ve played it. It’s limited and dumb. It’s nothing like Ultimate Apocalypse. The time and energy they have devoted to that mod is outstanding. I really should throw some money their way now that I have some. I’ve been a supporter of theirs for a long time. Anyway…
So it’s been fun and Angie is also quite adorable. Things should progress at a friendly speed and meander if possible. I’m in no hurry to get anywhere. But talking about video games has been fun. Truly. And I hope things get farther than they did with Megan, who shut me out for no good reason at all. Not like I texted her a Shlong. Who does that? Apparently Brett Favre.
Things are nice. It’s Friday night and I draft in the Bailey (Ideus) league in the morning. And then my work league at 7 on Sunday. Two. Draft. Weekend. Boom to the hell yes.
I’m a scatterbrained monkey of volatile passions and mixed emotional responses. I think about people, events, time. All the cosmic possibilities. Asteroids, the ocean, the Pacific tectonic plate. I pile that all into one wacky mood roller coaster of up, down, flat, down up up skyward! You won’t ever know how I was feeling until you listen to it!
- On The Road To Find Out – Cat Stevens
- Hypnotized – Fleetwood Mac
- Freedom 90 – George Michael
- Listen Like Thieves – INXS
- Just Like Heaven – The Cure
- My Best Friend’s Girl – The Cars
- Photograph – Def Leppard
- No Alibis – Eric Clapton
- Another Girl – The Beatles
- Ride My See-Saw – The Moody Blues
- You Really Got Me – Van Halen
- Boogie Wonderland – Earth, Wind & Fire
- If This Is It – Huey Lewis & The News
- Time Out Of Mind – Steely Dan
- Sunshine In The Shade – The Fixx
- Levon – Elton John
- Tomorrow – Joe Walsh
- Reminiscing – Little River Band
- End Of The Line – Traveling Wilburys
Today I had a revolutionary session with Margaret. I’ve turned the page on Jax and let me help you understand how this just happened.
I’ve been feeling lonely and sad and abandoned. Which is all valid. But the SOURCE of those feelings was the subject if debate. Margaret challenged my sorrow with a series of devil’s advocate style questioning. Would I still be with Jax if I hadn’t tried to kill myself? Doubtful, considering how many complaints I had. Namely, she was unwilling to address problems, and would never talk out an issue with me. We would fight, she would get mad and shut down all further attempts to reconcile the disagreement. People who love to talk about their problems, but few will actually take steps to correct them. I find that Jax was not willing to resolve her issues on her own. So I talked to her to try and get her to evaluate her issues, but she had none of that. I was too controlling, because I was tired of waiting for her to take the initiative and solve her issues independently. If that’s the disqualifying factor I’m fine with that. If I am forced to bring the hammer down on you, we probably shouldn’t be together. You know? You really have to try in a relationship. I think I lost interest when I saw things getting out of control and issues going totally unresolved or otherwise ignored. I can’t stand that. Be proactive. Show some initiative. I need to do a better job of this myself, and it’s a change I have made. For future matches or even friends; relationships require fuel and a steady hand at the wheel. I don’t think that’s too much to ask of myself, and anyone else.
So. I don’t really have a reason to grieve. I’m not looking to get back together with Jax nor would I take that if it were presented to me. I was unhappy with her. Fundamental needs were not being met. I think that this thought-chain us exactly what I need to reconcile my grief once and for all. It’s hard to miss something you just don’t want anymore.
I don’t think the world is any kind of fair. Bad things happen to good people, perhaps more than is reasonable. But reality doesn’t change because I’m dissatisfied with the overall ratio. Nothing bends itself to accommodate your personal needs, limits, requirements. Instead, we are very much slaves to the whims of radical, out-of-control forces. Events and people and interactions all colliding all around me like a sea of screaming voices. Is this really the way it goes? I’m probably pushed to some fringe category where my pool of peers is hardly measurable. To be honest blog, I’ve been feeling alone and needing a real hug. Somewhere deep in my personality, a part of me is still hurt, alone, scared. I’m grappling with mighty emotional forces in my mind. There are lots of positives to think about, mind you. Accolades and the material results of steady work are showing themselves. I have the respect of my bosses, and peers. I couldn’t ask for much more in that department.
I was singing out loud on Saturday. Just so happy to be chatting socially with an attractive woman. Then to be just cut off like I had died. Or had said the cursed words. Or who knows what. I don’t pretend to understand other people’s motivations. All I can do is be straightforward, honest, and dignified. I have so much to offer a potential match. I am charismatic, articulate, visionary, creative, original and sensationally, appropriately, hilarious. I have been aligned with people fundamentally incapable of grasping certain parts of my personality, or had difficulty with my shortcomings. I don’t have much relevance in a societal sense. I have no educational certifications, no credit standing, no credibility in any legal function. I have things to offer, but they are a different kind of thing not valued my anyone overly fixated on what society thinks is relevant. It’s not by that standard that I aught be judged anyway. My qualities are profound, but visible only to an experienced eye.
Finding that… oh boy. I’m willing to look anywhere, but I should limit my chances of success to my city. Which is a cultural hub, and attracts all kinds of the right people. Eventually this whole thing will sort itself out. Anything can happen, right? Even if the ratio is whacked. It doesn’t matter to people who try, regardless of eventuality or outcome. We push because, morally, we want to for ourselves. For our pride. It’s what makes me shine.
I really was in a bad place earlier this morning. I’m just so hurt that she would suddenly decide to ignore me. I didn’t DO anything. I don’t understand just ceasing all communications after everything was pointing at progress, curiosity. I don’t know what did it, maybe nothing having anything to do wit me at all. But whatever it is, I’ve moved right on by. I’ll admit my feelings were down. I was disappointed in such an unexpected change. I was having fun, clearly my posts and attitude must have reflected that. You know I have feelings about someone when I make an album for them, though she never got to see it, because I never had a chance to tell her. It’s a shame, because it was unnecessary and mean, and not a quality I embrace at all.
So I’ve decide to go right back at it, because what the fuck do I have to lose? And I said it myself earlier, that even if the whole thing evaporated, I would still take it as a good sign, and a sign of more open minded people out there somewhere. I’ve though of widening my search, because distance should not be the deciding factor. I may incur a national search, who knows? I like the thought of the THEORY behind finding Jax; that two people who truly were meant to be together, would find a way to be together. And if there is to be a match out there, I to believe that there will be little doubt in finding it. No one needs to be talked in to anything. Really truly honest people are out there waiting to answer frankly, and love plainly, and trust fully. It’s inevitable, the finding of this. I for one am excellent at putting my energy into things and achieving results. It’s totally possible. It’s not my first objective right now, so I may encounter some failure along the way. I’m ok with that. I guess.
And then there was silence. Not sure if I’m ok with being shut out after so many fun exchanges. Didn’t do anything to deserve that, I believe. Unless my introspective processes are offensive? I just don’t get it. Sometimes, things take an unexpected turn, like a great conversation suddenly aborted. Like the beginnings of growth trampled over by regressing fate. I guess inherently good things will just go rotten for no good reason. All I know is that I’m being ignored. It’s sad. And not nice behavior after I did nothing to incur this reaction. But people are deep and mysterious, obfuscating motives and intentions to their actions. I guess I was expecting to make a friend. Instead I got cut-off before we ever got going. It’s not a reasonable decision, and I surely understand no part of the real reason, but alone again is all that counts. Still just trying to make a friend. Not succeeding.
Forging a new path is sometimes a bit tricky. It’s not always a straight shot to the goal. It’s a series of well-timed ricochets, catalyzing an outcome of unforeseen prospects. It’s rarely a predictable course to the landmarks. They materialize along the way at unsuspecting junctures. Thus is the course of life; deciding events with a voracious randomness that flirts with disaster. We’re never truly spared from its dealings. All that can be done is to strive and survive. And prevail we must, against whatever circumstance arises. I’m competent enough to process the odds. So far, I’d say things have been headed upward. Especially meeting Megan. I begin to wonder if my limited interactions are going to amount to much impact. But what can I do but show an abundance of enthusiasm to engage? I’m trying my best to have a positive influence. Or earn some limited recognition. My intentions are pretty clear. I’m looking for something. So is she, presumably.
I guess these limited interactions are as good as I can expect. And I should be grateful for the time I already have been given. All of this has been a benefit to me. Even if it were to all suddenly evaporate away. You never know what kinds of things will happen in life. Things change at a moments notice, and for no discernible reason even. We just smile. And move along.
This is not the way I want things to go here. I don’t see that happening. But then again.
The thinker waits for the next move, even if that move takes its sweet time in getting there. I’ve had conversations just stop. It would be disappointing, but not the last act of the play. My show must go on. And I’m willing to try nevertheless. I wrote an email, and extended my appreciation for the gift of conversation. It’s about all I can control. I guess it has me a little down that such a good thing could just abruptly cease, but that’s not unfamiliar territory for me. I’m used to having to pick up the pieces after a break. I just don’t want to be doing do again do soon.