Monthly Archives: August 2014

Hour Of Resolve

by in Mental Illness, PC Games & Theories, Rant, Sports Pontifications, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m meeting new people right and left. Sure is fun too, seeing all the mechanics of interaction unfolding. I’ve been chatting with Angie for the past few days, and we’ve been trading video game stories. She’s console inclined, and I grew up on a PC. Though I have no objection to a console , mind you. Just some of my favorite games are usually a mod of some form and therefore locked to a PC based platform. Everything is better when you have the ability to improve an existing product or otherwise utterly recode the game. Like Ultimate Apocalypse. The core game is Dawn of War: Soulstorm and you need all the preceding expansion packs to make all the races unlock. It’s only then that the mod changes everything. But the core game is garbage. I’ve played it. It’s limited and dumb. It’s nothing like Ultimate Apocalypse. The time and energy they have devoted to that mod is outstanding. I really should throw some money their way now that I have some. I’ve been a supporter of theirs for a long time. Anyway…

So it’s been fun and Angie is also quite adorable. Things should progress at a friendly speed and meander if possible. I’m in no hurry to get anywhere. But talking about video games has been fun. Truly. And I hope things get farther than they did with Megan, who shut me out for no good reason at all. Not like I texted her a Shlong. Who does that? Apparently Brett Favre.

Things are nice. It’s Friday night and I draft in the Bailey (Ideus) league in the morning. And then my work league at 7 on Sunday. Two. Draft. Weekend. Boom to the hell yes.

New Playlist – The Curse Of The Twisted Muse

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I’m a scatterbrained monkey of volatile passions and mixed emotional responses. I think about people, events, time. All the cosmic possibilities. Asteroids, the ocean, the Pacific tectonic plate. I pile that all into one wacky mood roller coaster of up, down, flat, down up up skyward! You won’t ever know how I was feeling until you listen to it!

 

  1. On The Road To Find Out – Cat Stevens
  2. Hypnotized – Fleetwood Mac
  3. Freedom 90 – George Michael
  4. Listen Like Thieves – INXS
  5. Just Like Heaven – The Cure
  6. My Best Friend’s Girl – The Cars
  7. Photograph – Def Leppard
  8. No Alibis – Eric Clapton
  9. Another Girl – The Beatles
  10. Ride My See-Saw – The Moody Blues
  11. You Really Got Me – Van Halen
  12. Boogie Wonderland – Earth, Wind & Fire
  13. If This Is It – Huey Lewis & The News
  14. Time Out Of Mind – Steely Dan
  15. Sunshine In The Shade – The Fixx
  16. Levon – Elton John
  17. Tomorrow – Joe Walsh
  18. Reminiscing – Little River Band
  19. End Of The Line – Traveling Wilburys

A Turning Point

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Today I had a revolutionary session with Margaret. I’ve turned the page on Jax and let me help you understand how this just happened.

I’ve been feeling lonely and sad and abandoned. Which is all valid. But the SOURCE of those feelings was the subject if debate. Margaret challenged my sorrow with a series of devil’s advocate style questioning. Would I still be with Jax if I hadn’t tried to kill myself? Doubtful, considering how many complaints I had. Namely, she was unwilling to address problems, and would never talk out an issue with me. We would fight, she would get mad and shut down all further attempts to reconcile the disagreement. People who love to talk about their problems, but few will actually take steps to correct them. I find that Jax was not willing to resolve her issues on her own. So I talked to her to try and get her to evaluate her issues, but she had none of that. I was too controlling, because I was tired of waiting for her to take the initiative and solve her issues independently. If that’s the disqualifying factor I’m fine with that. If I am forced to bring the hammer down on you, we probably shouldn’t be together. You know? You really have to try in a relationship. I think I lost interest when I saw things getting out of control and issues going totally unresolved or otherwise ignored. I can’t stand that. Be proactive. Show some initiative. I need to do a better job of this myself, and it’s a change I have made. For future matches or even friends; relationships require fuel and a steady hand at the wheel. I don’t think that’s too much to ask of myself, and anyone else.

So. I don’t really have a reason to grieve. I’m not looking to get back together with Jax nor would I take that if it were presented to me. I was unhappy with her. Fundamental needs were not being met. I think that this thought-chain us exactly what I need to reconcile my grief once and for all. It’s hard to miss something you just don’t want anymore.

Just Time

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I don’t think the world is any kind of fair. Bad things happen to good people, perhaps more than is reasonable. But reality doesn’t change because I’m dissatisfied with the overall ratio. Nothing bends itself to accommodate your personal needs, limits, requirements. Instead, we are very much slaves to the whims of radical, out-of-control forces. Events and people and interactions all colliding all around me like a sea of screaming voices. Is this really the way it goes? I’m probably pushed to some fringe category where my pool of peers is hardly measurable. To be honest blog, I’ve been feeling alone and needing a real hug. Somewhere deep in my personality, a part of me is still hurt, alone, scared. I’m grappling with mighty emotional forces in my mind. There are lots of positives to think about, mind you. Accolades and the material results of steady work are showing themselves. I have the respect of my bosses, and peers. I couldn’t ask for much more in that department.

I was singing out loud on Saturday. Just so happy to be chatting socially with an attractive woman. Then to be just cut off like I had died. Or had said the cursed words. Or who knows what. I don’t pretend to understand other people’s motivations. All I can do is be straightforward, honest, and dignified. I have so much to offer a potential match. I am charismatic, articulate, visionary, creative, original and sensationally, appropriately, hilarious. I have been aligned with people fundamentally incapable of grasping certain parts of my personality, or had difficulty with my shortcomings. I don’t have much relevance in a societal sense. I have no educational certifications, no credit standing, no credibility in any legal function. I have things to offer, but they are a different kind of thing not valued my anyone overly fixated on what society thinks is relevant. It’s not by that standard that I aught be judged anyway. My qualities are profound, but visible only to an experienced eye.

Finding that… oh boy. I’m willing to look anywhere, but I should limit my chances of success to my city. Which is a cultural hub, and attracts all kinds of the right people. Eventually this whole thing will sort itself out. Anything can happen, right? Even if the ratio is whacked. It doesn’t matter to people who try, regardless of eventuality or outcome. We push because, morally, we want to for ourselves. For our pride. It’s what makes me shine.

Sorry For Being A Debbie Downer

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I really was in a bad place earlier this morning. I’m just so hurt that she would suddenly decide to ignore me. I didn’t DO anything. I don’t understand just ceasing all communications after everything was pointing at progress, curiosity. I don’t know what did it, maybe nothing having anything to do wit me at all. But whatever it is, I’ve moved right on by. I’ll admit my feelings were down. I was disappointed in such an unexpected change. I was having fun, clearly my posts and attitude must have reflected that. You know I have feelings about someone when I make an album for them, though she never got to see it, because I never had a chance to tell her. It’s a shame, because it was unnecessary and mean, and not a quality I embrace at all.

So I’ve decide to go right back at it, because what the fuck do I have to lose? And I said it myself earlier, that even if the whole thing evaporated, I would still take it as a good sign, and a sign of more open minded people out there somewhere. I’ve though of widening my search, because distance should not be the deciding factor. I may incur a national search, who knows? I like the thought of the THEORY behind finding Jax; that two people who truly were meant to be together, would find a way to be together. And if there is to be a match out there, I to believe that there will be little doubt in finding it. No one needs to be talked in to anything. Really truly honest people are out there waiting to answer frankly, and love plainly, and trust fully. It’s inevitable, the finding of this. I for one am excellent at putting my energy into things and achieving results. It’s totally possible. It’s not my first objective right now, so I may encounter some failure along the way. I’m ok with that. I guess.

Lost Words

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And then there was silence. Not sure if I’m ok with being shut out after so many fun exchanges. Didn’t do anything to deserve that, I believe. Unless my introspective processes are offensive? I just don’t get it. Sometimes, things take an unexpected turn, like a great conversation suddenly aborted. Like the beginnings of growth trampled over by regressing fate. I guess inherently good things will just go rotten for no good reason. All I know is that I’m being ignored. It’s sad. And not nice behavior after I did nothing to incur this reaction. But people are deep and mysterious, obfuscating motives and intentions to their actions. I guess I was expecting to make a friend. Instead I got cut-off before we ever got going. It’s not a reasonable decision, and I surely understand no part of the real reason, but alone again is all that counts. Still just trying to make a friend. Not succeeding.

Yours, Truly

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Forging a new path is sometimes a bit tricky. It’s not always a straight shot to the goal. It’s a series of well-timed ricochets, catalyzing an outcome of unforeseen prospects. It’s rarely a predictable course to the landmarks. They materialize along the way at unsuspecting junctures. Thus is the course of life; deciding events with a voracious randomness that flirts with disaster. We’re never truly spared from its dealings. All that can be done is to strive and survive. And prevail we must, against whatever circumstance arises. I’m competent enough to process the odds. So far, I’d say things have been headed upward. Especially meeting Megan. I begin to wonder if my limited interactions are going to amount to much impact. But what can I do but show an abundance of enthusiasm to engage? I’m trying my best to have a positive influence. Or earn some limited recognition. My intentions are pretty clear. I’m looking for something. So is she, presumably.

I guess these limited interactions are as good as I can expect. And I should be grateful for the time I already have been given. All of this has been a benefit to me. Even if it were to all suddenly evaporate away. You never know what kinds of things will happen in life. Things change at a moments notice, and for no discernible reason even. We just smile. And move along.

This is not the way I want things to go here. I don’t see that happening. But then again.

The thinker waits for the next move, even if that move takes its sweet time in getting there. I’ve had conversations just stop. It would be disappointing, but not the last act of the play. My show must go on. And I’m willing to try nevertheless. I wrote an email, and extended my appreciation for the gift of conversation. It’s about all I can control. I guess it has me a little down that such a good thing could just abruptly cease, but that’s not unfamiliar territory for me. I’m used to having to pick up the pieces after a break. I just don’t want to be doing do again do soon.

For Megan: Introduction In Music

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve decided to put together this playlist to encapsulate my current state of mind as a music playlist. I do this so that anyone bumping in to this might gather a better understanding about where I am in my head, and in my heart. So it’s full of ups and downs, naturally, and very tweaky. If that makes any sense.

 

  1. Gaucho – Steely Dan
  2. Question – The Moody Blues
  3. The Sign Of Fire – The FIxx
  4. Cherry Bomb – John Mellencamp
  5. Come Undone – Duran Duran
  6. Since You’re Gone – The Cars
  7. Stop Loving You – Toto
  8. Helplessly Hoping – Crosby, Stills & Nash
  9. Time – The Alan Parsons Project
  10. The Heart Of The Matter – Don Henley
  11. The Boxer – Simon & Garfunkel
  12. Won’t Get Fooled Again – The Who
  13. If I Fell – The Beatles
  14. Movin’ Out (Anthony’s Song) – Billy Joel
  15. Harmony – Elton John
  16. You’re The Inspiration – Chicago
  17. Wild Sex (In The Working Class) – Oingo Boingo
  18. You Make My Dreams – Hall & Oates

It’s Like That

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When things seem like they’re really clicking in my head and things are feeling right. I find words come so easy with Megan. I’m just inclined to share the complexities of my strange little tale with someone who acutely understands how precarious those stories can become. Nothing is like how we plan it, life takes the reigns and guides the whole thing a brand new direction every so often. But there’s something happening here that I like. I’m really coming out of my shell for her, and I find I linger waiting for her words, holding the breath of my thoughts.

It’s not out of nervousness or anxiety, but rather, she always comes at me with some new cool perspective or interest. Yesterday, I was trying to help her identify a caterpillar. I mean right? Who wouldn’t be excited about that?

Chance is pretty incomprehensible. In my opinion, We leave a lot of the deciding in out lives up to chance, or expect chance to bail us out of a bad situation. What if I hadn’t become mentally ill with Jax? Would I still be with her, or would it have come unraveled at some future juncture when there was ample opportunity? See, she was leaving her decision to divorce me up to chance, and the chance that I would break down and give her the opportunity to flee. She gambled and won, in that sense, and got out of her life with me and got what she wanted. Meanwhile, back over here where I thought we were going to be a team…

 

I’ve been lied to before. I mean, sure we may have loved each other. I won’t argue that. But I will argue that her intentions were never the same as mine, and even our partnership being contracted by marriage was not an anchor that would keep her concentrating on making the relationship better. I was willing to do the work, as I have always been. But when my partner does not want to change, learn, grow, or admit responsibility for actions, then we have no more to discuss. It’s a hopeless enterprise to get someone to change who won’t see themselves from an unbiased perspective. I try to hold the mirror up to myself, and I fail at catching a lot of things, but that’s what your friends and family are for, right? those other people that are a part of a family unit? One that she so willingly signed up to join, and so carelessly, callously, disregarded at a moments notice. I bring me, my edge, my antics, my personality, AND a killer family that loves profusely and with the same sort of exuberance that makes ME so special. I learn from the best.

 

All these thoughts are zooming around now. Things with Megan are just great. I hope we get to keep talking and getting to know each other, because I’m having a lot of fun at that. I appreciate the moments I’ve had with her, because I recognize her as one of those rare special people, who stands out amongst the others because her filter on the world is unbiased and real. I just admire her point of view and her perspective, I really do. She stands out as an intellectual, asking deeper than surface-level questions, questions that have true potential for deep, open-ended responses. I imagine soon we’ll be talking about Astronomy. Fuck. I did mean to bring up the latest Curiosity info for her and have that be the starting point for discussion. There’s plenty of time for all of that. The mission is a long ways from over. Fuck homes, we’re not even to Mt. Sharp yet. THAT’S when it gets real, dude.

 

I can’t complain. Things are rolling along exceptionally well. I’m stable at work and just getting ready to get into a groove. A good thing, surely. And that I enjoy what I’m doing helps. I wish only for a continued stability of life and circumstance, leading me towards a healthy and satisfactory way of living my little reality. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I’m not going out to do anything wrong. I’m keeping my arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. If something extra happens on to of that, I welcome it. Friendships are always a blessing when they are based on mutual respect. I think that’s what I have here, and I like it very much.

Why Should I Cry For You – Sting

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Under the dog star sail.
Over the reefs of moonshine.
Under the skies of fall.
North, north west, the Stones of Faroe.

Under the Arctic fire.
Over the seas of silence.
Hauling on frozen ropes–
For all my days remaining.
But would north be true?

All colors bleed to red.
Asleep on the ocean’s bed.
Drifting on empty seas–
For all my days remaining.

But would north be true?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Dark angels follow me–
Over a godless sea.
Mountains of endless falling,
For all my days remaining,

What would be true?

Sometimes I see your face–
The stars seem to lose their place.
Why must I think of you?
Why must I?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
That, “I loved you in my fashion”?

What would be true?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?

A Really Positive Thing!

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I’m having a really fantastic conversation with a stunningly beautiful woman right now. It’s been really open, straightforward, and honest. I’m not at all inhibited, as we pretty much are going through the exact same life event – a start from zero in life. I’m so stunned that I’m even talking to this wonderful person, boy, and I mean WONDERFUL. I just feel like we already have so many things in common. I bet I could play the song lyrics game with her that I play with Mike at work. Did I mention that things at work are going really well there also? Yes? I’m on Google Chat with Mike sending him song lyrics, and awaiting his reply of the next line. So far, I’ve only nabbed him on one, but that will change when I get into knowing what music he listens to. So far though, WE have a lot in common. Hence my arrival on the late shift. He wants to hang with me! I feel like, because I found my confidence, that people are coming to me in the universe and realizing I shine brightly, and I want to spread warmth to all the moth-people who come to see me. La la la la!

 

Ok really though. I have pride, confidence, and I have begun to establish my life over again, and that’s fucking rad. I hung out with the boys tonight too at Wing Stop like I said I was gonna. And I did, and we cracked jokes, and had a laugh about this and that, and all the weird shit we go through on the phones. We have to have a sense of humor about it, right? Or else, I bet you’re going to fucking hate your job. I’m elated though guys! I’ve met someone really neat, and she seems at least willing to listen to my arbitrary story that is so much liker hers it’s freaky-weird. I really like talking with her. Boy is it refreshing to be just straight dope with someone. I bet we have no tolerance for ze bullshit. She’s clean of thought, concise with her words, intelligent! Very bright, and an ideas thinker-type.  I can tell she has the curiosity, and she has it good. That’s just so unbelievably attractive. I mean, a smart CURIOUS girl? No, seriously, sit down.

 

I don’t know what to say blog. I told her I am mentally ill, and I told her about Jax and the whole sad little way it went down. Hopefully I am not immediately rejected like I have been in the past. But blog, I want you to know, that no matter what happens at this point, my faith in chance and finding the right sort of person  is possible, and achievable, and even these steps of measured success, I have a restored belief that if not now, eventually. That I will not have to be alone anymore; that my feelings of emptiness and solitude might have a chance to be recognized and appreciated, and a little fire may start in me again like it did such a long time ago. I have hope again blog! And I’m happy to have come as fat as I have with her, because I’ve enjoyed every minute of it, and it was on my mind while I went to work all day and kicked ass. I tried my best to touch base with her through the day, it’s been really charming and fun. I don’t know what else to say, it’s Friday night and I intend to hang around and have fun with my night. FUCK YES WEEKEND BITCHES!

While You Were Asleep

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I was out making new things happen. I’ve been giving OkCupid my attention in recent evenings, in which I’m struggling against many odds to find a friend. All things start as friendships, and should progress from there. Not just running full speed into commitment. I can’t even imagine the futility of trying to conjure a relationship to mend my own personal heartache, or whatever. Relationships don’t cure anything, they just add a deeper, more intense layer to life that dramatically affects observations and outcomes. I guess a lot of people out there are incomplete, and really need someone else around to make them feel good. This seems problematic to me. If, for some reason, I can’t make myself content, why would the solution be to make someone else provide that feeling for me? Doesn’t that take the power of feeling right out of my hands and leaves someone else to be responsible for my happiness? Why would I want to compromise my own sense of self-worth in order to have my ache for fulfillment appeased? It seems like this train of thinking leads to more disasters than it prevents. So, good luck Jax, but the odds are stacked against you in your quest to fill the void. Meaning is an expensive, hard-earned commodity of the healthy contender.

 

I found someone who is GORGEOUS, and wants to actively engage me in conversation. I have a lot of hope for this, as friendships with chemistry are among the more fun things to have in this world. I seek meaning, so nothing is going to just “happen” without a great deal of thought going into actions. Unlike my ex, who said “It just happened” when she cheated on me, I take responsibility for my conduct. When you base a relationship of honesty, openness and understanding, I don’t see how that could come back at you as a bad thing. UNLESS your partner is concealing their feelings, in which case there’s really nothing one can do to prevent being lied to, or otherwise misled. We have the best of intentions, which is really as far as the sphere-of-influence extends beyond myself. I can’t dictate how you are going to react, or not, so why put much stock in attempting to control outcomes.

 

I’ve had a lot of criticism for Jax lately. More to the point, is that I can’t really understand why she can be ok with everything that happened. Does she feel regret for having cheated on me, smashing my family, breaking my heart in my weakest moment? It can’t be weighing on her too much, as she has someone one new to play with and get excited about. Yipee. I just don’t get it.

 

But what does any of that matter to me? Not much. Jax has no relevance in my world anymore, and I don’t listen to what she has to say, and I mostly don’t care what happens in her life, good or bad. I guess this has a lot to do with me still feeling wounded or outraged. I gave that girl my heart, and she smushed it. But this is already known, and the past is done and unchanging. I’m just trying my best to be mindful while I stumble my way through life.

 

 

Wing It

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The boys invited me out to Wing-Stop tomorrow after I get off work. I’m going, totally, and why shouldn’t I go? I have apprehensions, but those guys all look up to me, and I’m the commissioner of the fantasy football league for fuck’s sake! And rightfully so. I’m not a follower, I’m a leader, and I’m only really happy when I lead by a rock-solid example. I just go out there and fucking nail it like 90% of the time dude. I rarely get kickback about things, and when those guys have a question, they come to me and ask me what to do. I don’t go to them and ask them what the fuck to do, I just KNOW. And even the more veteran guys like Steven and Ryan are coming to me with their billing questions. Yeah. And Mike is at no end of wanting to introduce me to people, which I don’t mind at all. Dave actually came by and shook my hand today and said that he was not going to be in on Friday and wished me a good weekend. Badass, right? Things have been clicking.

Now, if only I could get over her.

 

I’m still struggling with a lot of raw, munched up feelings all not sure what to do with themselves. Feeling hopelessly lost, unrequited, perishing slowly like the embers of some great wildfire. Nestled deep in the scorched ruin, they burn.

I imagine that people do move on from these sorts of things, but it takes it’s sweet time bleeding itself out of you. I’ve tried fucking everything to get over this sadness, and still, it lingers. It hangs around, collecting tadpoles and heating quickly in the summer sun. I’m through with it!

But my words are ultimately meaningless, because I’m still feeling the same way as before. I’m still locked in a deep struggle with regret and pain. I’ll eventually find my way back to the surface again, but I don’t have a schedule or a need to just be like “poof” I’m cured. I’d prefer to think that genuine reactions, real, deep feelings that are hurt and that remember do not just get over it in a minute. That tells me that they were never that deep to begin with, as the palate itself is the limiting factor in the creative potential of the painting. And why have I done this tom myself, falling in love for beautiful women who had disturbing families and regrettable flaws? I’ve done wretched things at their whim to have me do so. I’ve endured such humiliation from them, repeatedly. I’ve been beaten, bitten, struck, ripped, pounded and castigated on countless occasions in which I have been unrelentingly subjected to abuse and not reacted but to hide myself in a ball and weather the storm. It’s been so hard to find out what love could really be like, when I’ve tried to make it with so many unfulfilled, morally confused people. When I’ve been forced to swallow love, choke down my sadness, forever, more than once. The amount of heartache I’ve put my family through is hard to fathom. It’s a deep history mired with regrettable pairings, hardy (well intended) endorsements, and destructive outcomes. Enough of that, I say.

 

I’m just going to go out with the guys and have a rad ass time, and take it easy on a Friday evening. And talk football. Hell yes.

For What It’s Worth

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I’m being proactive about companionship. It’s not healthy to isolate away from the world. Ultimately, I still have my life to lead, and I don’t want to force myself to not enjoy it. Which I guess some part of me says that I should cut myself off from people because it’s my punishment for fucking up my last relationship. That isn’t a strong argument in the long run. I can punch holes in it with logic, fact. But it still hurts to think about having to move on and that I’ll never have back what I had. But progress is somewhat inevitable, and I’m inching my way along a path to success. I don’t expect things to miraculously change. The passage of time can either weigh on you, or propel you onward. It’s hard to just go out there and never expect anything to happen, and that was the real problem with my isolation. I’m in no need of a relationship or even an answer to my myriad thoughts on the subject. I’m making the effort to try, and that helps me feel good about my lot. Like I said, I don’t need there to be change. I do need to have hope that this effort I put into getting to know people will not be utterly wasted.

Stale Flavorings

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I’m not the kind to complain, really. I’m only ever alarmed when things are disproportionately wrong, like today at work when Kevin just ignored 2 calls and let someone else deal with the customer, because he was busy talking about headshots. It’s a known fact that retarded behavior is not tolerated. And this looks like a turd smudge on the face of the company. These are the sort that are directly interfacing with customers, which is good, if you know what you’re doing. If you don’t, there will be problems. I’m certain of that.

What I like to do, is when I get on the phone with a drive thru troubleshooting call, I like to imagine myself in a greasy fast food kitchen, looking for this absurd piece of vital equipment, where to find it, what size, shape and color it is, what it might also look like… you get the picture. I then tell them exactly what to do with it, and how to make a malfunctioning electronic device work again, in mere moments. It’s a satisfactory turnaround, with immediate payoffs in satisfied people who are (now) not wondering why they have a monthly subscription. Now they’re saying: hey, I’m sure glad we have that service. They just fixed my problem!

Sweet. So I get that when you do this job right, it can be totally rewarding, not frustrating, but simple. And it’s repetitive, as the same types of equipment fall victim to the same EXACT problem, because they’re all exposed to identical conditions. It’s easy to save the day when you know what you’re doing. Right? This should all make some sense, I’m not the exception.

I, rather, fall in a range with some good, hard working folk who have a mutual respect for what I do. To date, I have not had any kickback, no reprimand or castigation, rather, they prefer to point out procedural mistakes and imply that they be avoided. At least, I presume to learn something from these “coaching” emails. Of the 2 I’ve ever seen in my time at the company. Meanwhile, everyone around me is eating the poop and dying. I hear horror stories about kickabck from other departments, or orders gone wrong, resulting in a failure of service. If we promise that we’re going to do something, we sure as hell should do that thing we said. I hope this isn’t like, shocking. Everyone aught have enough moral presence to observe some essential behaviors. Application of effort, comprehension and learning, adaptability and progressive thinking. Aren’t these kind of important if you want to go far in the world? The exception to this rule are people who violate morality, like criminals, degenerates or other lesser beings. If you want to exploit your way to a living I do not endorse you. I would condone no such action.

I’ve been thinking a lot, because I find that we don’t really need all the people we have. There are too many, too much dead time, where not a single call is coming in, and everyone thinks it’s super great to meander around and barf about this and that. I have had the good fortune to get a chance to talk NFL with Joseph, who knows a lot about fantasy football as well. It’s been nice to be able to drop names like Bernard Pierce, John Kitna, Harry Douglas… we have a deeper than average understanding of the National Football League. Is John Kitna even in the NFL anymore?

There was no real point to any of that, other than to say that dead time means people come flock over to my desk and check out what I’m doing, or strike up conversation with me, or SIT on my desk and hang out. I mean really, I don’t ever have to go anywhere, the party comes to me every day. It’s TGIF at Westin’s desk! Bitches!

So I was tossing back song lyrics on Google Chat with Mike today, and I stumped him twice, once with The Moody Blues’ The Voice and then later with Gerry Rafferty’s Waiting For The Day. I’m a music stud. Seriously. Get the fuck out the way, I got you.

Well blog, I’m going to toodle around the internet for a while and then call it a night. It’s been fun catching up with you after a very stimulating day. I really appreciate you always being here for me, whether it’s good or bad, you always listen. And I’m thankful for that.

 

To Begin

by in Creative Writing, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been good, in that I’m not exposing myself to bad things. I stopped reading Jax’s blog after she got together with her most recent boyfriend. It’s all still very fresh and painful. I can’t seem to be just “done” with sadness. Maybe I’m punishing myself a little, but then all feelings are legitimate; even the unwanted ones.

I’m not moving out this week after all. Just couldn’t make the management company happy. They wanted an awful lot of paperwork and documentation from my work that I didn’t feel comfortable giving. So, we keep searching, never stop trying.

I’m just a few minutes before therapy. This week wasn’t as painful as last week. I guess some little things are starting to work themselves out in my head. If that makes any sense.

Struggling with emotions is not unknown territory for me. I’ve dealt with this all my life. And yet, it never gets any easier having to choke-down a breakup with no one to help pick up the pieces. Abandonment. They’re tough realities to face. I am doing good though. I’m not going to give up on trying to make new friends or relationships. It’s effort well spent in the pursuit of tranquility.

My mind is like scrambled eggs. I thought I had therapy this week. Turns out it was next week. Damnit. I didn’t have to wake up at 6.

Thunderstorms today. I already heard some thunder. But knowing San Diego, we won’t actually see much weather action. Big line of cumulonimbus clouds stretching northeast across the county. Maybe some extracurricular fun but probably not.

#602

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I’ve come a long way since March 3rd 2014. That’s 168 days of recovery, and yet, my heart is still heavy with emotional burdens. I think a lot about what it used to feel like to be loved, cared about by a peer, or understood in some capacity. it’s hard going from that, to ignored in one day. Sometimes things fall apart, I get that. But one day and love is dead? Does it really happen in one day? I know the process, and I emphasize, PROCESS, takes time. And I have thought oft about that night, and cried again, and again over it. I remember each vivid second of that agony, that feeling of having been cut off by your wife, of knowing she had drifted to far from me to ever reach back and get her again. My love didn’t die that day. It held me up while I was in the hospital, thinking about when I was going to come home to her. Things change. People make up their minds about you. One way or the other. I still have to be the same me person. How else can I ever hope for success? If you start off the journey with a lie, all the rest is poisoned. So being straightforward is frowned upon. But still necessary. I think finding agreeable parties is a daunting task. But what the fuck do I have to lose?

The chance of finding someone is only as possible as you make it. With the right amount of effort and patience, there is an inevitable match. Or a coincidence of characteristics amounting in marginal friction in select nonessential places. There are supposed to be differences in personality. There should be unity of life direction, comprehension of love, and morality. Is that really too much to ask? And I’m not saying this has to happen soon or anything. I’m just trying to find a friend. A single friend who might stop and give me a second thought. It’s going to amount in a lot of me being ignored, but what the fuck else is new? People have been stigmatizing me for decades, and the shit is the same color no matter what part of the world you’re in. But I guess people who are attractive can get away with being choosy about who they want. The rest of us have to fight over the leftovers. The rejects from the first cut, for all the geeks, losers and outcasts to sort out for themselves. Sometimes we get lucky, and a truly forgiving soul comes along looking for a mate of personality. In those circumstances, some people can truly see us; the frail balance we so desperately struggle to maintain, the exuberance of spirit, the crushing dark of madness. They see is and they love us all the more because we are so rare, and see the world through a prism of our individual mental health journey. We struggle so hard for peace, a thing we see flagrantly abused and taken for granted by regular people. We try so desperately, to be like you. We wish so much that we could just obliterate your soul and steal your body and it’s perfectly functioning brain. But then, I’m only wishing to be something other than myself, which is destructive.

I’m days from signing the lease. They are drawing up the paperwork for me and will email it over. I’m so close to getting it all back. So fucking close. I’m just doing so good at my life, even after all that hell, I’m still going to come out ahead. And more stable. And less preoccupied from my own personal mental health journey, which is my driving concern. Either you’ve joined the 400 or more followers, or you represent the majority in your disregard.

Not For Lack Of Effort

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I’m going to keep trying to make a connection with someone, even if they all don’t pan out. I have to be real with people, it’s not like I can hide my disorder, or make believe that I’m someone I’m not. I don’t know how to be artificial and fake. That is a big turn off for a lot of people who generally live in that world. There’s nothing I can really do about it, however. It just lowers my resolve to be continually defeated in my efforts. I’m still forging new territory, every day, making strides towards something better. I’m just on the verge of going totally independent, which is really exciting. I have a lot of good things to look forward to, and I shouldn’t be so mired in my past. I get so hung up feeling distressed and alone, and having something die in me somehow. I have poisoned myself with her memory, and emptied myself of tears.

I get this way sometimes. Despondent. I don’t deserve the bulk of the nastiness I carry with me. I carry her regret, and mine, even though she doesn’t carry anything at all. She’s free of grief and back to being in love again. I’m a lot more rudimentary in my recovery. I don’t bounce back perkier than ever from catastrophe. It takes me some time to get my bearing back, and figure out what new thing I need to try to avoid hurting myself again in the future. It’s a frustrating plight sometimes, but necessary as a precaution. I just can’t afford to go making the same mistakes again. Ever.

So what the hell am I doing on OkCupid? I’m probably inviting trouble, but I may be allowing myself a chance to blossom under a new regime. The possibilities of finding someone are low. And I’m not giving it my best effort, nor is it the driving goal of my life. Hopefully I can find meaning within myself, and not need to go running off to the next great relationship to fix my pain. Or have it satisfy a need that I could not satisfy for myself. I want to be self sufficient, so here I am doing the best job of that I can muster. I’m not expecting to find love. I just want to find my own place to call home and have shelter. I want to prosper in my environment. I also don’t like being so very lonely, but I have to go on this way, I suppose, until I’m strong enough or ever in a place to handle something more than that. I don’t imagine that day will be soon. Because I’ve had some time to experiment and I’m already a lunatic who clearly can’t be affiliated with. Or some such other reason to be totally ignored. I guess the truth is a reality no one wants to face. We’re all so happy living our make-believe lives. And the fake and superficial pervade our interactions and poison the deep well of the mind. I’m so tired of thinking what I had was so great. It wasn’t She’s got a lot of problems that probably haven’t been addressed. And I do pity the next long term guy she goes with, because he’ll learn how unwilling to change her own vices she really is. It’s so easy to point the finger at me, because I’m the one who took the time to acknowledge all my actual wrongdoing, point by point. And she gave me no such respect, but little more than a sentence a few months later acknowledging my words. But there’s just nothing for her to write about, because nothing was ever wrong with her to begin with? What is the lesson I’m supposed to take from all of this?

I ask a lot of rhetorical questions. Or maybe just ones I don’t want to have the answer to. I wonder where all these moving pieces are headed… where all the collisions that amount to our interactions finally are tallied up. I think my asteroid has pummeled a few other ones in it’s time flying around the sun. I may have some steam in me yet to pummel a few more.

I Wish It Was September 4th

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Sports Pontifications, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m antsy because the start of the NFL season is looming, and draft day is a mere 15 days away or less. That’s the last 15 days of a 93 day long drought of NFL offseason. The last 10 days are going to burn a hole through my mind. I’m a perennial top 3 finisher without a crown. I’ve won back my dues year after year, but this time, I want 1st. I’m tired of losing. I need to draft well and finish strong. This is my core philosophical approach. I’m always willing to talk trade. Mind you. But I need to know how to hold on to my best cards. It’s hard to predict sometimes, and oft we gamble and lose. Things happen. But not this year. Not to me. I’m going all the way this season, for glory or for the winnings. It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.

Trying Something Totally New

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I have not been looking for people to meet despite my suffering for companionship. I really think there was something good there with my friend Jacqueline, but I just couldn’t handle the physical part. It was too much for my fragile state. I don’t think I’m much farther along in that department, then to now. I’m not prepared to commit to a physical, intimate, demanding arrangement. Especially not since I don’t even know how much energy I have to maintain my life and responsibilities… I shouldn’t be too hasty taking on more of a burden. I’m, nevertheless, going to still try and meet new people. I’ve started a new OkCupid account and I’m going to try and be real with people, and see where it gets me. I think I can make SOME form of new connection, that might help to stem the flow of aching sadness I feel being so isolated and regrettably unwanted. I don’t think it’s universally true that these sorts of connections must end in companionship. Albeit, I am, in a sense, not looking to “mess around” anymore, and would consider something that had all the right pieces. But the chance of finding that are micro-cosmically low. My satisfaction rides on high standards. I’ve tried compromising my beliefs, and pandering to lesser ways, and I’ve ruined my life over it. I’m not going to do that again. If the pieces line up, then I’m going for it, because the possibility would need to result in the last relationship I get involved in. THE VERY LAST. I’m not fucking kidding, I can’t go through the level of pain I went through like last time. I’m going to be healing from that for months yet. Because the hurt is still so real, so fresh, so deep. I want to move beyond that sadness, which I feel is amplified by my isolation.

 

So I’m giving it a try, because I can’t go on alone forever. I have to be proactive about dealing with this pain, which is starting to get the better of me. I’m falling prey to spasms of nearly unstoppable suffering and a want to shed my tears and weep. At work. On the clock.

 

See why I can’t have this? I’m doing great out here on my own. I’m a matter of weeks from signing papers and locking up a place of my own. I just went and saw it today, and boy can I ever imagine myself up in there. It’s a perfect size for me, and just enough home to feel at home in. If that makes any sense. It doesn’t feel like a hotel room, it feels like my house.

 

I’m spinning the wheel. Isn’t that what us mentally ill people do? We’re never just happy being with one thing, settling down to a programmed, monotonous way of life. I live in a mercurial state, and I have to be understood for who I am in order to achieve any sort of friendship ion this life. I don’t want to be alone forever. I hope you out there can understand my thinking here. I’m not openly disclosing my mental illness, because I don’t identify myself as a patient of my disorder anymore. My disability is treatable, and when managed responsibly, is unnoticeable. I want to meet someone who doesn’t get repelled by a foul stigma, but rather, identifies who I am first, and accepts my flaws for what they are as part of the process of understanding. And I hers, as we are not perfect beings, but fractured and full of diverse aspects. We are lucky if we ever truly find harmony in life… a thing I desperately seek. Maybe you’re out there somewhere?

August Mood Album – Willing Onward

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been struggling with my sadness lately, and I’m sure you’re aware of that detail. I put together this album just trying to summarize my emotional adventure of late. So throw this list together and give my inmost state a listen.

1. Driven Out – The Fixx
2. Heart And Soul – Huey Lewis & The News
3. No One In The World – Anita Baker
4. Something About You – Level 42
5. You Might Think – The Cars
6. Where Do You Think You’re Going – Dire Straits
7. The Stranger – Billy Joel
8. In Hiding – Pearl Jam
9. It Keeps You Runnin’ – The Doobie Brothers
10. Why Should I Cry For You – Sting
11. I Wouldn’t Want To Be Like You – The Alan Parsons Project
12. I’ll Be Over You – Toto
13. Nursie – Jethro Tull
14. Learning To Fly – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
15. Winds Of Change – Scorpions
16. The Finer Things – Steve Winwood
17. Help Is On Its Way – Little River Band
18. Waiting For A Girl Like You – Foreigner
19. Right Down The Line – Gerry Rafferty

Struck

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It hurts in my chest like a weight is pressing me down. I have short breaths, pinched by pain and negative thoughts. They race around my mind madly. I guess this is just how it goes. I’m sad and heartbroken still and trying my best to move on. My life is a lonely place sometimes, and that’s hard to swallow. I get sick and people abandon me. They realize I’m actually quite insane, and then want nothing to do with me. Sad but true. I guess I’m just full of thoughts. Most of them bad.

Soon

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Telling lies like truths,

Enshroud the gospel of reason,

In a fate with inevitable sadness.

Trying, breaking,

The way is shut like eyes.

Trembling down in weakness,

Made common by pain,

Undone futures wanting.

Shifting in the hot sand of time.

So passing hours,

Do dial and creep,

Losing the war to decay,

But softly.

A chance is random as whim,

With talented hours drifting,

In a lot with broken pieces,

Cast like bones on the floor.

Reading peace,

The tranquil lapse of folded emotions,

Contemplating a day full of sun.

There I Stood

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Somewhat sobering to think about. I have been many things, a drop out, a patient, a debtor. I rarely achieve much before finding a way to squander it. It’s a bind, you see, in which my disability has me pinched. I’m forced to take ever-escalating steps to keep up with the onslaught of new calamity. I have always tried to bridge my life with a woman. A partner, that would ultimately strive with me through what obstacles may present themselves. I’ve failed at ever making that concept a reality. I’ve been divorced twice. I’ve had my ex arrested for assault. My life is a perplexing place. A quandary amidst riddles. I’m really trying to keep all of this in mind, while I carefully plan my moves.

And serves me right, that sort of expert vigilance being now required. How else am I to avoid making the same mistakes? How else will I ever grow?

I don’t mean to punish myself unduly. I do tend to focus heavy scrutiny on myself. And I have grown to believe that is necessary. I’ve been a patient of my life for too long, and I’m tired of failing. I want, more than anything, is to make myself feel proud. To know, day in and day out, that I did the best job I was capable of, and I gave it a commendable effort. I try to impress my superiors, and earn their respect. I already know that I am capable of getting off to a good start. What remains unclear is that if I have the staying power to maintain. I certainly hope, that THIS TIME I’m doing things right.

Did I tell you I got a lead on a place? Here in El Cajon. East county San Diego area. It’s a decent drive to work, but that’s actually good for the old truck, to let it run for 10 miles or so keeps junk from building up in the engine. Anyway, it seems like it could be ready for move in very soon. And it’s with the same management company I was with before, when I was still living with my ex wife. They know me, and were willing to sign a six month lease before. I think I’m a shoe in. I hope so.

Well. It’s getting late. Therapy days always flush out some negativity.

Heads Down

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Here I go on my week. Tomorrow I have therapy in the morning and Margaret is coming in on her day off to do a session with me. It’s good timing; because I’m going through some stuff. I’m filled with sadness sometimes. I can hardly hear some songs without breaking down. Don Henley, The Heart Of The Matter… or Richard Marx, Should’ve Known Better. Or John Mellencamp, Check It Out. That guitar was us. Right there.

I have such remorse and still my heart beats on. Silent tears. Lots of missing.

I wonder if having such complex thoughts also adds equal depth and severity to pain, loneliness? I experience things differently than most, I figure. I find my thoughts to be occasionally excruciating. Yet I’ve felt such joy. I’ve had a lot of sex too. More good than bad. And I have a lot I am thankful for. Like a loving family.

I think about Robin Williams killing himself. I think about how close I’ve come. On multiple occasions. How I can’t let something like my being neurochemically challenged cause my life to end. No one really knows how dark it is down there. How deep the hole goes. It is so hopeless there. I know he got to that place and decided it was the end. Like I did. He took his life, and I’ve had mine handed back to me. I can continue on fighting, or I can give in to the darkness and let it have me.

I don’t know how to be grateful for life. I have done much to squander it. I have contributed how best I can, but shit homes, I’ve screwed things up while I went and had my life. I am learning to simmer down. How to be strong, self-reliant and medically stable. I went and refilled my meds like a good boy. I’m staying on top of it. I hope. But do I hurt? Yes. And there’s not a whole lot I can do about it.

When Silent In Thought

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I have a lot of time to think about things. I guess it’s because I’m isolated by my own volition. I walk willingly alone. For this is the nature of my situation as dictated to me by the crucible of fact. Life, and my past, are all a reminder of how far I still have to go before I get it right. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to take a great deal of time making sense of life, finding meaning in things. My history is a stunning series of mistakes, loosely bounded in moments of joy. My happiness was hard bought. I’ve only recently, in the last 4 years, made a real effort to work with my family to get better. And that was even put to the test by me again when I added love to the dynamic. I’ve over-complicated myself too often. I have made some determinations: in that I should try to just make it so that even if I were very depressed, I would not lose my life over it. I would be able to pull myself back from the abyss and get up. I have to. Because I don’t want to end up living a life I regret. I want to be able to look back and be proud of the things I had done. I don’t want to be ashamed.

I’m asking for an awful lot. As it is. But I really feel like I am capable of changing. I can learn. I DO learn, as a matter of fact. I have tried different things, and run into a bunch of bad luck. It’s also because I still had some things to learn. I am not making the same mistakes over and over again. I just so happen to make lots of new and exciting mistakes that teach a hare-earned lesson of some unprecedented form. I’m exercising brevity tonight, as I am tired, and running low on happy thoughts. I hope things are moving along for you.

In A Breath

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I’ve found things can change dramatically. Love can be fully killed. Hate can be spawned, or regret. If only we would think. If only we could slow it all down and not blow things out of proportion. There could be a breath just for the sake of pause, not a moment wasted before judgement is cast. My hopes are largely irrelevant. What IS the fact of the matter is that patience is a virtue. Understanding and compassion are scarce. I’ve found that my reality is usually pretty different than yours, and what I value and why don’t particularly care about. I’m not going to change your mind. I’m just going to avoid you.

I’m inclined to want to protect myself from danger, of which I sense the world is full of. I can be damaged, and have been. I have lots of flaws, that have earned my attention and a desire to change. I don’t know what I’m looking for. But not what I had, that’s for sure. I can’t repeat the same foolish mistakes. I can’t endure the same inevitable heartache.

My time must be thought of as precious. My life is a thing of value, and not to be wasted on just anybody. I have been careless with love, letting nearly everyone have it who asked for it. But I can’t help think differently now after this most recent bruising. After I had so much based on such poor foundations. At least I know I’m going about things the right way. I can literally FEEL the change. I’m working so hard, and juggling many things, AND still holding it together. I wonder about my life. What have I done with it? Who have I given it to? No one who deserved it.

I’m at the beginning of a new week. A new chance to impress my superiors and earn respect. I strive to do my best, and that’s proving itself in deeds. I lost my whole life, but I’m working really hard to build it up right this time.

Ultimate Apocalypse 1.74 August News

by in Mental Illness, PC Games & Theories, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

I just got through reading the news brief from the Ultimate Apocalypse team, and I’m very disappointed. When last Lord Cylarne graced us with a progress update, It seemed they were down to the beta testing the bugs portion of the process. I was mistaken, as there are several huge problems with the mod still, and in the alpha state, unplayable. Though, it’s good to hear about the races being nearly done, but frankly, there are still problems with the GUI, the AI, the modeling… the list goes on. The mod’s progress considered: “decent.” For whatever that’s worth.

Tau are still being worked on, which makes me wonder what the fuck they are doing to my precious Tau Empire. I have no idea what they need, they peak tier 3, they are still deadly in tier 2, and most games are ending around there somewhere, right?

Well, I’m shocked that the mod is actually much farther behind schedule (and they admit as much), than I was originally lead to believe. I’ll be patiently awaiting the end result, of course, like every other mook who desperately wants a look at the changelog for 1.74. It would be nice to see one, even in the event that the mod is still being worked on. New units, new abilities, new game concepts implemented with the Necrons, probably making them a dominant force, as they were back in the days before 1.72. Necrons SHOULD be ferocious. The fact that they are retarded right now is the modder’s fault. They deserve some love, and I hear they are getting it, with a litany of new units and buildings. I think building defensive structures will not be limited to turrets, but include a whole set of new and varying defensive buildings with an array of weapon customization options. Tau turrets are pretty good as they are, and upgrading them does make them have a gargantuan range… how does it get better?

I won’t question the leadership, but I am disappointed by the news. I thought we were going to have 1.74 this summer, but it’s looking more like a Christmas wish. I am not complaining, mind you… 1.73 is rad, and well balanced, and fun to play. With the exception of Necrons. Tau are a boat-load of fun. I can’t wait to try out Chaos Daemons though. Or have William play Inquisition Daemonhunters against me. Which I remember their commander very well, in that I could not kill him, at all, ever. His shield would recharge faster than I could take it down. He literally killed everything he faced, and I begged will not to use him, or spawn a never-ending stream of Bodyguard class units from the command unit itself. Thankfully, we’ve long since left the days of Bodyguard units spawning off the commander behind. That strat makes the game exclusively about building as many of those Bodyguards as possible. Maybe I’ll try my hand with ID?

But whenever it happens, it’s fine. I’m willing to play around with 1.73 for as long as it takes until we get that final release. Fingers crossed, hoping for soon.

UA_Duels

by in Mental Illness, PC Games & Theories, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

It’s the name of my Hamachi network where Will and I have many a warlike adventure. Lately, it’s been Imperial Guard (Will) and I went back to playing Tau Empire. They’re just so much fun. In our most recent bout, I had Krootox aplenty and then the Knarloc Alpha Rider came out and it was demolishville. That’s 1400R. So I move on his position at 9:30, which is kinda early, but then, was I going to go melee and then wait around for his tanks to come out? I go melee, I get in your face a lot sooner than if I was waiting around for tier 3 ranged. Just to clarify:

Tier 2 Melee = 270R/270P

Tier 2 Ranged = 340R/340P

Tier 3 Melee = 380R/380P

Tier 3 Ranged = 510R/510P

I save 200R/200P and those melee totals just get there faster than the ranged ones do. In other words, I end up waiting for longer periods before I can build the ranged tier. I know the difference is only 200, but it’s A LOT faster to go melee. I am in tier 3 sooner, which is nice because I can buy up the economic upgrades pretty fast, and in succession. By deeply funding my economy, I can afford to dispense a Greater Knarloc AND A Knarloc Alpha Rider in the same game, having queued the Greater Knarlocs. It’s kinda silly to make them run, but I like seeing them do it. And they lumber around so ponderously slow if you don’t. It’s like repairing buildings. You have to stay on top of run and repair, otherwise, they’re useless.

I’ve been skirmishing with a Harder Dark Eldar… and I’m losing more than I’m winning. If I leave them alone, they overpower me with great sums of very annoying skimmers. I must have built 25 Barracudas trying to keep up with their never ending stream of vehicles, and really really buff Mandrakes. Lots and lost of Mandrakes. It got to the point that on Faceoff, they were just, entrenched in my base, killing every infantry unit or ground unit of any kind, ever time I got one built. It was HOPELESS… because they were destroying my shit by the 4:00 mark and I was economically crippled for the entirety of the match. Like I said, 25 or more Barracudas couldn’t get it done… and I can’t get anything that moves on the ground to survive for more than a few seconds… I sure hope Barracudas will get me there. Dark Eldar have a vicious AI which strikes first things first with a fully reenforced squad of Hellions. And there goes my unupgraded outmost listening post. Fuck.

So I’m not sure why I’ve subjected myself to endless rounds with the Dark Eldar. I’ve proven on several separate occasions now, that I can’t win on Faceoff. And I’m struggling most other places. On Fallen CIty, I won, but BOY did I give it the full swing of the bat. I had like 8 Krootox all down there, and the fucking AI built 2.5 bases for fuck’s sake! I destroyed 48 buildings that game. 48!!!

I’m game for a challenge. The only other AI that gives me any sort of hard time is Chaos Space Marines, and they have eaten shit more often than not. They just don’t get going fast enough, IMHO.

Though, Will is pretty damn fast with them, and very good. I have a feeling we are competitive on a wide-scale level. How could we not be? We don’t play the game as viciously as some, but those aren’t the people we want to be playing with anyway, right? People obsessed with winning, or hellbent on it, are frustrating themselves with a lot of unnecessary anguish. I’m good, and I lose all the time. But I play a ton of games. Maybe thousands. Will and I trade wins and losses, and I honestly think that the time I spent unemployed and playing this game a ton gave me a huge advantage over everyone. I have spent TIME making my sequence as good as it can be, as fast as I can get it to be, as deadly, as decisive. I find that I win at least twice as much as I lose, so I’m not doing it wrong, I’m getting it. I might even pose a 3:1 ratio, and think myself perhaps somewhere between the two.

Tau Empire have two distinct sides, and choosing either, or both, can make each new game a totally original challenge, posed by an exponentially increasing sum of possibilities, multiplying rapidly. I’ve never played the same game, and been all like: dude, I JUST did that. WTF?

Honestly, I don’t decide what direction I’m going until the first 5 minutes or so. I mean, I have to pick either a melee barracks or a ranged one at the start, but I can just build the other one if I decide to go the other way. It’s not rocket science.  It’s paying for both tier buildings that gets to be a chore. And to have your tech tiers destroyed is no fun either. Really, don’t let that happen with Tau. Just don’t.

What’s Been Said

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m waking myself from the habit of subjecting my senses to the words of others. I tend to take in what other people say, entrenching their ideas or thoughts deep in a place of worth in my mind. I do this with Jax a lot, because her words are still so easily painful, easily reminding of a past not too far forgotten. At least, this is a weakness I have. Other people, who have decided to exclude themselves from my life, should not be considered a valuable source of information. I have done some bad things, yes… but did I deserve to be abandoned the way I was? Did I earn all the months of heartsickness I felt after my life fell apart?

I don’t think there’s a good reason for what happened. It’s certainly not the plan I had when I was trying to get out of the mental hospital. I had to break in to my own apartment just to get inside and get some new clothes on… because she wasn’t there for me. She was already decided that our relationship was over, and she’d moved on to a new guy. Again, not part of the plan.

But I guess all that pain had a good reason for being. I am well aware that Jax and I would never have gone far. I had already been making some big compromises to stay together with her, and I know from my past that when you compromise unwillingly, resentment builds. I was growing to really dislike some things about her behavior. The way she would never talk about her trauma or explore it’s reasons for being, or try to correct the pain she felt because of her PTSD. EMDR is a great way to undo PTSD but I could never get her excited about any of that. She would always get upset with me and say that she didn’t want to talk about it, and it was making her more angry that I wanted to talk about it, or kept asking questions. So big fights would happen, and we’d never resolve them, or get a chance to talk about them. Eventually, it would just get forgotten. I also really dislike the way she refused to learn anything outside her sphere of understanding. I couldn’t get her excited about astronomy, my RTS games, geology, meteorology, philosophy, grand unifying theory… you know how when you’re into something, you ask lots of questions about it so you can learn more? None of that was happening here. She likes to watch lots of really bad television shows. She may be a terrifically creative jewelry designer, but her creativity doesn’t get much help anywhere else. I would have needed her to somehow change her whole personality and become a different person altogether, if there was ever to be a chance we’d make it. It was a change I kept hoping I could inspire her to make, but that never happened. Instead, we grew distant, as we had fewer and fewer things to talk about or share. It was like being on an island of understanding.

My world was damaged by a premature separation that took me by surprise, even though the warning signs were there for all to see. A collision of bad events: my meds stopped working, things were getting bad between Jax and I, and our environment was poison ever since I left my job. I made the life toxic, and the relationship could not survive it. I just forced her to do something she would have done eventually, anyway.

Moral of the story is: I’ve moved to a better point of understanding my crisis, how it happened and why. I can see my part in the meltdown, and I recognize where I need to adjust my behaviors so this sort of thing does not happen again. It’s a gift, that I have been given my calamity. My job is to learn from what I have done, and to not repeat the same foolish mistakes over again. To start, I had to go back and reevaluate myself for what I had let happen to my life. That’s hard to do, and requires an unbiased eye to perform accurate readings. These are some of the things I have had to accept and grow with, knowing that life is not going to provide me with the things I seek… and that everything of value in this world is earned. I regret the direction I took my life. I am determined not to let that sort of thing happen again.

 

In the news from bizarre-o-world, I might have acquired a living arrangement with my Uncle of all people. His wife and he are divorcing after 20 years or more, and he has no place else to go. So I guess there’s a chance I might be living with my Uncle in a shared living space… which I am ok with considering he’s a cool guy. He likes football, and we have that in common. Oh, there’s yet another thing I was REALLY excited about, that Jax could give two shits. The NFL, and all the work I put into my Fantasy Football stuff is a source of pride for me. But like I was saying. If you don’t already mesh with her, she won’t change to mesh with you. I have a doubtful feeling about Jax’s future… I don’t think you can just move on from such a huge decision to leave me and get a divorce, to falling in love with an new guy 4 months later, and expect that to just work out. I have a hunch that life is unforgiving, and people unwilling to change the things that lead to missteps, are doomed to make more of them.

A New Day Yesterday

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

I had my first full day coming in at 9:30 and leaving at 6:00… which was very odd. Mike, my boss, he really likes me and wants me on his shift, so I can hang late with him. I think he’s really cool, and he introduces me to people all the time and brings them over to meet me at my desk. It’s only because I’ve gone the extra mile with him to prove that I can do the job, and add something extra to the equation. That’s my personality, which he enjoys, and we share a lot of similar interests… he’s a great boss.

Anyway, I get to have long, lazy mornings where I can take my time getting ready and drink some nice coffee. Then I get ready and go, and there’s no traffic on the way in. A little on the way out, but not too bad. I had my intake appointment for MHS, which FINALLY happened after all these months of waiting for the Department of Rehabilitation to get back to me. I sent in the forms via mail, and they finished the intake on the phone with me while I illegally talked on the phone and drove. I went the whole way and completed the interview, and Ray said he would call every 2 weeks and check in with me to see how I was doing. Basically, since I’ve been employed, I have not really needed the employment services of MHS, but rather, their services that they extend to people who have jobs, and are struggling with mental illness, and could just use 90 days of help. That’s what I’ll get, when they submit my client plan. I get a call, support and services (if I need them) for free.

It’s nice to have the bonus help. Jeez. I have to call Margaret this week and tell her I can’t do a 4 pm anymore on Thursday. It will have to be the bleak hour of 8 am for us. Or bust.

Things in my fishy little world are moving along well. I have plenty of time in the mornings to eat a good breakfast and pack a nice lunch, which is helping me stay healthy and active. I need to dedicate some of my time in the mornings to going on walks again, and seeing how many times I can march around the park. This is all part of the wellness equation. I feel like I was not putting myself first again, and I let my diet go down to basically nothing. My body started eating itself a little, and I got sick there for a few days, but now, I am doing much better. I WILL eat a healthy 3 meals and provide my poor body with the sustenance it so desperately craves. I put a lot of my brain to work every day. It’s only fair that I at least FEED the brain. It needs food.

 

So I’m doing ok. Adjusting to a new schedule, struggling here and there with sadness. But achieving some form of average.

Tirelessly Rehashing Pain

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Choking in that tight-chested wince of guttural rememberings. Playing with flirty smiles now wilting stale and gone. What harsh tones these once precious things now bear. The poison is love and the seed is memory.

I’m not too deep in my own filth that I can’t see. I see the perpetual flaw; the bruised standard I’ve let degrade in compromise. Why? Because the aloneness is insufferable? Because love is really fun? Is there a good reason? I just can’t go making the same mistakes over and over again. I have scorned love a final time and I have imposing doubt as to its revival.

You can clearly see, I give these introspective processes some thought. It’s not all slap-dash. I also really have no place else to express my inmost thoughts. My secret workings are only as laid bare as one practical blog reader can see. I spend time on understanding so that I can better sympathize. So that I can better comprehend the struggle and feel it too. I get a lot of this on the phone. People want to tell me that they’re frustrated, but they take it out in passive-aggressive ways. They say things that give away their intentions. I’d very much like to turn that mirror on myself, and pursue the goal of validity. What’s the point of the experiment if you’re going to sully the results by lying? I could sit here in my little blog world and tell you all whatever sounded good. I could show you a truly unbelievable persona that would resemble the shadow of meaning, which would garner things only as meaningless as itself.

My life. A ponderous story, mostly frustrating, occasionally euphoric, but altogether mine. I guess when it gets to be the end, such as it is, don’t hesitate to embrace it. Each change is a new chance to learn. Anecdotal advice depleted.

Still Heartsick

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m here on my lunch and I just feel so sad. I’m alone, and I’ve made myself an oubliette with my behaviors. I really don’t NEED love like some of you that can’t live without it. It’s not like some part of me is missing until I get love. Or as if I was not capable of meeting my own needs and not counting on someone else to complete me. I get mad when I think about Jax being in love again. Like it somehow has some bearing on me how quickly she moves on. I may still be stuck on regret and hurt. I contend that it’s my respect for these things that prolongs my stay. I choose not to be blindsided again, so, I’m not so quickly inclined to forget transgressions. Sitting here having my lunch (a banana) I feel that old sore tug that comes when ever I think about her. I wish vainly that I could be so fortunate as to have love back in my life. Would I really want it though? Would I even be able to handle it? It’s not really an objective in my life… I’ve got much more important things to think about. I get right to the point of tears, then I back down slowly. I wish I didn’t still have this pain.

At The Last

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I found my break to be ponderously long, and my paycheck a bit short this week. Nevertheless, I will have my bearings back come Monday morning. I’m a good, level headed guy, and I believe in myself and the direction of my life. This blog has come to represent a painting done layer upon layer of color. I’m covered in mistakes that have since been painted over. Some of me is pretty easy to understand, but in a lot of ways, I’m still a work in progress. I guess that’s an appropriate metaphor. I’ve always had exacting standards, often unrealistic and burdensome. I make compromises for love. I find delight in the pursuit of adoration. But I’ve been truly humbled by my mistakes. I haven’t forgotten. I’m still deciding how much of a person in am going to be. I could so easily judge my situation and denounce myself. I’d implicate, accuse and bias my rendering on years of sadness, rejection and disdain. It’s a pattern, I’ve come to realize, with me. I’ve had to learn how to separate myself from my pain, and be able to abide suffering whilst embracing the self. The core of my being hasn’t done wrong, my patterns have been neglected for too long. Life has it’s many twists and turns. I’ve been doing an inconsistent job of staying afloat. But I’m trying really hard, and that’s always something I can be proud of. I have played a part in the many sad breakups I’ve been through, and I try to tell myself that things happen the way they do because no one controls anything. People generate unpredictable responses, which lead to new and varying outcomes. The danger with getting close to someone is that you invite the uncertainty of chance into your otherwise stable equation. I’ve shown that love absolutely ruins my judgement and resigns me to a set of unpopular fates. I’ve never had anyone who wanted to be my equal. Jennifer looked down on me. And Emelia and Jax were uninterested in that sort of advancement. I call them experiential people, for they derive meaning from the immediate and pay little mind to the long road. They make poor, life-changing decisions based on big heavy doses of emotion. This is why I get hurt so badly. This is why you can move on so quickly, while I deeply reconsider making another move at all. Margaret understood my feelings of having been replaced by my ex. In some perverted sense, she healed and moved on faster. I’m not sure of its a good thing though. I probably won’t get hurt if I don’t expose myself to danger, but you might. You decided to go play the love game again. I’m not going back in there for a while. You know? I’ve still got a lot to think about. I had plenty of opportunities. But never have I tried just doing life for myself. I’ve never earned my keep just for me. I’d really like to do that, if I could.

I get soggy at night like this. When the last moments of my day are gone and the great expanse stands before me. I’m prepared to face it, but a little butterfly feeling happens in me, like I’m a little scared still that I might not be able to do it. Sure I think about it. I’ve failed at jobs in the past, and repeatedly. I should have earned my caution badge by now. The real difference for me is quality. I intend to give a very raw and unadulterated variety of affection, but I know that it has to be earned with respect, not just handed over blindly. I’ve let love rule me, which it should never be allowed to do. Love is just like any other emotion; having a time, place, beginning and end. Do you let your anger take control of you? Does your anger make you throw things or break something? Why should love dominate you and control your actions? This is a symptom of experiential people, who let sensation rule the day. It may take a lot less to make them happy, but we two can’t be pleased by the same things anymore. We’ve grown apart, and I won’t be coming back, or stooping down to accommodate you. I’m quite finished with that same old song and dance.

I guess I’m feeling like nothing that happens with my exes has any bearing on my life right now. I feel hurt still, because all I ever really wanted was to be loved. I botched that initial offering up a fair bit. More than once. But don’t accuse me of not learning.

Air Conditioned

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

It’s been unreasonably humid of late, making my nights a bit insufferable. Nevertheless, I slept soundly through the bulk of our summer rainstorm. Apparently a measurable sum of rain as well. I get used to street noise. I just so happened to have found a decent studio to rent in La Mesa but I’m just waiting to hear back from her. I guess the initial interview went well. I seemed to have clicked with her. And really the distance to drive is far less than my current pilgrimage from El Cajon. I really hope I get the place. Sincerely. I want that objective to be met.

It’s only a matter of time though. If I find the right people to get in with. There needs to be some form of cooperation with management. I do believe luck leans in my favor. I hope the pieces align for me, again. I already did great getting myself a job, now I have to get self sufficient. To do this I must establish an independent identity. I have some work to do yet, but I’m getting there.

I wish the whole “finding a place” fiasco ends soon. I barley have enough time as it is. Here’s to the last of Sunday, and the official start of the NFL preseason.

“Return Fire, RETURN FIRE!”

by in Mental Illness, PC Games & Theories, Rant and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

My Fire Warriors usually have something to say, but I have all the voice audio muted so I don’t have to hear them speak. Most strategy gamers count on unit speech to help them be alerted when something is done or what not. I just decided to keep track of it all in my head, and not rely on the game to tell me what to do. A dedicated gamer move, I’ll say,  and also making the RTS genre a lot more difficult. I much prefer a challenge though. Suits me well.

Anyway, Will has been trying out Imperial Guard, who I believe to be quite possibly the best “vehicles” army out there. And “vehicles” as it applies to Ultimate Apocalypse, is any unit that counts against your Vehicle Cap. For IG, you can count on vehicles all looking like tanks, of varying equipments and weapon systems. I contend that IG have a decent counter for everything with building that JUST makes L.Russ variants.

I’ve slowed down my strategy, as opposed to an all out dash to tier 3, I tend to peak late tier 2. SO my getting to the tiers is only slow on the back end, as upgrading my economy has become of increasing priority.

Tier 1 = 2:05

Tier 2 = 7:05

Tier 3: = +9:00

 

It’s not all about tier 3 anymore. It’s become about MMing the middle, crippling the outskirts of your enemy’s economy, cleverly placing turrets, and LOTS MORE MMing the middle. I’ve been caught kiting troops to my turrets, which was quickly foiled by a stance change, I’m assuming. I’ve had my Skyrays individually targeted by air strikes, I’ve built 6 squads of Fire Dragons, created a diversion, and sneaked them into Will’s base and triggered the Annihilate victory condition without even facing his army. It’s become clever, devious play that gets it done. Though there is still some dispute over when is an OK time to build a turret, and when is not. Turrets can be bothersome with their extensive range and usually 2 levels of upgrades.

Anyway, I’m back to trying a twin tier 2 approach to Tau Empire. I had one game as Tau vs IG and it went my way, then his, then cinched for my victory in tier 3. I brought my usual front of Sunfires and when equipped to demolish vehicles, IG gets real unhappy with that. I also made sure to buy both Tau-wide weapon damage techs. Tech line for that game was 24 to 9… which is like, woah, why didn’t you research anything? Techs only make your diverse front become stronger, and a diverse front is as it should be, as well. Spamming one unit is asking to be countered.

 

That’s really all for now. Pack to practice.