Still Heartsick

I’m here on my lunch and I just feel so sad. I’m alone, and I’ve made myself an oubliette with my behaviors. I really don’t NEED love like some of you that can’t live without it. It’s not like some part of me is missing until I get love. Or as if I was not capable of meeting my own needs and not counting on someone else to complete me. I get mad when I think about Jax being in love again. Like it somehow has some bearing on me how quickly she moves on. I may still be stuck on regret and hurt. I contend that it’s my respect for these things that prolongs my stay. I choose not to be blindsided again, so, I’m not so quickly inclined to forget transgressions. Sitting here having my lunch (a banana) I feel that old sore tug that comes when ever I think about her. I wish vainly that I could be so fortunate as to have love back in my life. Would I really want it though? Would I even be able to handle it? It’s not really an objective in my life… I’ve got much more important things to think about. I get right to the point of tears, then I back down slowly. I wish I didn’t still have this pain.