When Silent In Thought

I have a lot of time to think about things. I guess it’s because I’m isolated by my own volition. I walk willingly alone. For this is the nature of my situation as dictated to me by the crucible of fact. Life, and my past, are all a reminder of how far I still have to go before I get it right. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to take a great deal of time making sense of life, finding meaning in things. My history is a stunning series of mistakes, loosely bounded in moments of joy. My happiness was hard bought. I’ve only recently, in the last 4 years, made a real effort to work with my family to get better. And that was even put to the test by me again when I added love to the dynamic. I’ve over-complicated myself too often. I have made some determinations: in that I should try to just make it so that even if I were very depressed, I would not lose my life over it. I would be able to pull myself back from the abyss and get up. I have to. Because I don’t want to end up living a life I regret. I want to be able to look back and be proud of the things I had done. I don’t want to be ashamed.

I’m asking for an awful lot. As it is. But I really feel like I am capable of changing. I can learn. I DO learn, as a matter of fact. I have tried different things, and run into a bunch of bad luck. It’s also because I still had some things to learn. I am not making the same mistakes over and over again. I just so happen to make lots of new and exciting mistakes that teach a hare-earned lesson of some unprecedented form. I’m exercising brevity tonight, as I am tired, and running low on happy thoughts. I hope things are moving along for you.