There I Stood

Somewhat sobering to think about. I have been many things, a drop out, a patient, a debtor. I rarely achieve much before finding a way to squander it. It’s a bind, you see, in which my disability has me pinched. I’m forced to take ever-escalating steps to keep up with the onslaught of new calamity. I have always tried to bridge my life with a woman. A partner, that would ultimately strive with me through what obstacles may present themselves. I’ve failed at ever making that concept a reality. I’ve been divorced twice. I’ve had my ex arrested for assault. My life is a perplexing place. A quandary amidst riddles. I’m really trying to keep all of this in mind, while I carefully plan my moves.

And serves me right, that sort of expert vigilance being now required. How else am I to avoid making the same mistakes? How else will I ever grow?

I don’t mean to punish myself unduly. I do tend to focus heavy scrutiny on myself. And I have grown to believe that is necessary. I’ve been a patient of my life for too long, and I’m tired of failing. I want, more than anything, is to make myself feel proud. To know, day in and day out, that I did the best job I was capable of, and I gave it a commendable effort. I try to impress my superiors, and earn their respect. I already know that I am capable of getting off to a good start. What remains unclear is that if I have the staying power to maintain. I certainly hope, that THIS TIME I’m doing things right.

Did I tell you I got a lead on a place? Here in El Cajon. East county San Diego area. It’s a decent drive to work, but that’s actually good for the old truck, to let it run for 10 miles or so keeps junk from building up in the engine. Anyway, it seems like it could be ready for move in very soon. And it’s with the same management company I was with before, when I was still living with my ex wife. They know me, and were willing to sign a six month lease before. I think I’m a shoe in. I hope so.

Well. It’s getting late. Therapy days always flush out some negativity.

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