Not For Lack Of Effort

I’m going to keep trying to make a connection with someone, even if they all don’t pan out. I have to be real with people, it’s not like I can hide my disorder, or make believe that I’m someone I’m not. I don’t know how to be artificial and fake. That is a big turn off for a lot of people who generally live in that world. There’s nothing I can really do about it, however. It just lowers my resolve to be continually defeated in my efforts. I’m still forging new territory, every day, making strides towards something better. I’m just on the verge of going totally independent, which is really exciting. I have a lot of good things to look forward to, and I shouldn’t be so mired in my past. I get so hung up feeling distressed and alone, and having something die in me somehow. I have poisoned myself with her memory, and emptied myself of tears.

I get this way sometimes. Despondent. I don’t deserve the bulk of the nastiness I carry with me. I carry her regret, and mine, even though she doesn’t carry anything at all. She’s free of grief and back to being in love again. I’m a lot more rudimentary in my recovery. I don’t bounce back perkier than ever from catastrophe. It takes me some time to get my bearing back, and figure out what new thing I need to try to avoid hurting myself again in the future. It’s a frustrating plight sometimes, but necessary as a precaution. I just can’t afford to go making the same mistakes again. Ever.

So what the hell am I doing on OkCupid? I’m probably inviting trouble, but I may be allowing myself a chance to blossom under a new regime. The possibilities of finding someone are low. And I’m not giving it my best effort, nor is it the driving goal of my life. Hopefully I can find meaning within myself, and not need to go running off to the next great relationship to fix my pain. Or have it satisfy a need that I could not satisfy for myself. I want to be self sufficient, so here I am doing the best job of that I can muster. I’m not expecting to find love. I just want to find my own place to call home and have shelter. I want to prosper in my environment. I also don’t like being so very lonely, but I have to go on this way, I suppose, until I’m strong enough or ever in a place to handle something more than that. I don’t imagine that day will be soon. Because I’ve had some time to experiment and I’m already a lunatic who clearly can’t be affiliated with. Or some such other reason to be totally ignored. I guess the truth is a reality no one wants to face. We’re all so happy living our make-believe lives. And the fake and superficial pervade our interactions and poison the deep well of the mind. I’m so tired of thinking what I had was so great. It wasn’t She’s got a lot of problems that probably haven’t been addressed. And I do pity the next long term guy she goes with, because he’ll learn how unwilling to change her own vices she really is. It’s so easy to point the finger at me, because I’m the one who took the time to acknowledge all my actual wrongdoing, point by point. And she gave me no such respect, but little more than a sentence a few months later acknowledging my words. But there’s just nothing for her to write about, because nothing was ever wrong with her to begin with? What is the lesson I’m supposed to take from all of this?

I ask a lot of rhetorical questions. Or maybe just ones I don’t want to have the answer to. I wonder where all these moving pieces are headed… where all the collisions that amount to our interactions finally are tallied up. I think my asteroid has pummeled a few other ones in it’s time flying around the sun. I may have some steam in me yet to pummel a few more.