While You Were Asleep

I was out making new things happen. I’ve been giving OkCupid my attention in recent evenings, in which I’m struggling against many odds to find a friend. All things start as friendships, and should progress from there. Not just running full speed into commitment. I can’t even imagine the futility of trying to conjure a relationship to mend my own personal heartache, or whatever. Relationships don’t cure anything, they just add a deeper, more intense layer to life that dramatically affects observations and outcomes. I guess a lot of people out there are incomplete, and really need someone else around to make them feel good. This seems problematic to me. If, for some reason, I can’t make myself content, why would the solution be to make someone else provide that feeling for me? Doesn’t that take the power of feeling right out of my hands and leaves someone else to be responsible for my happiness? Why would I want to compromise my own sense of self-worth in order to have my ache for fulfillment appeased? It seems like this train of thinking leads to more disasters than it prevents. So, good luck Jax, but the odds are stacked against you in your quest to fill the void. Meaning is an expensive, hard-earned commodity of the healthy contender.


I found someone who is GORGEOUS, and wants to actively engage me in conversation. I have a lot of hope for this, as friendships with chemistry are among the more fun things to have in this world. I seek meaning, so nothing is going to just “happen” without a great deal of thought going into actions. Unlike my ex, who said “It just happened” when she cheated on me, I take responsibility for my conduct. When you base a relationship of honesty, openness and understanding, I don’t see how that could come back at you as a bad thing. UNLESS your partner is concealing their feelings, in which case there’s really nothing one can do to prevent being lied to, or otherwise misled. We have the best of intentions, which is really as far as the sphere-of-influence extends beyond myself. I can’t dictate how you are going to react, or not, so why put much stock in attempting to control outcomes.


I’ve had a lot of criticism for Jax lately. More to the point, is that I can’t really understand why she can be ok with everything that happened. Does she feel regret for having cheated on me, smashing my family, breaking my heart in my weakest moment? It can’t be weighing on her too much, as she has someone one new to play with and get excited about. Yipee. I just don’t get it.


But what does any of that matter to me? Not much. Jax has no relevance in my world anymore, and I don’t listen to what she has to say, and I mostly don’t care what happens in her life, good or bad. I guess this has a lot to do with me still feeling wounded or outraged. I gave that girl my heart, and she smushed it. But this is already known, and the past is done and unchanging. I’m just trying my best to be mindful while I stumble my way through life.