When things seem like they’re really clicking in my head and things are feeling right. I find words come so easy with Megan. I’m just inclined to share the complexities of my strange little tale with someone who acutely understands how precarious those stories can become. Nothing is like how we plan it, life takes the reigns and guides the whole thing a brand new direction every so often. But there’s something happening here that I like. I’m really coming out of my shell for her, and I find I linger waiting for her words, holding the breath of my thoughts.
It’s not out of nervousness or anxiety, but rather, she always comes at me with some new cool perspective or interest. Yesterday, I was trying to help her identify a caterpillar. I mean right? Who wouldn’t be excited about that?
Chance is pretty incomprehensible. In my opinion, We leave a lot of the deciding in out lives up to chance, or expect chance to bail us out of a bad situation. What if I hadn’t become mentally ill with Jax? Would I still be with her, or would it have come unraveled at some future juncture when there was ample opportunity? See, she was leaving her decision to divorce me up to chance, and the chance that I would break down and give her the opportunity to flee. She gambled and won, in that sense, and got out of her life with me and got what she wanted. Meanwhile, back over here where I thought we were going to be a team…
I’ve been lied to before. I mean, sure we may have loved each other. I won’t argue that. But I will argue that her intentions were never the same as mine, and even our partnership being contracted by marriage was not an anchor that would keep her concentrating on making the relationship better. I was willing to do the work, as I have always been. But when my partner does not want to change, learn, grow, or admit responsibility for actions, then we have no more to discuss. It’s a hopeless enterprise to get someone to change who won’t see themselves from an unbiased perspective. I try to hold the mirror up to myself, and I fail at catching a lot of things, but that’s what your friends and family are for, right? those other people that are a part of a family unit? One that she so willingly signed up to join, and so carelessly, callously, disregarded at a moments notice. I bring me, my edge, my antics, my personality, AND a killer family that loves profusely and with the same sort of exuberance that makes ME so special. I learn from the best.
All these thoughts are zooming around now. Things with Megan are just great. I hope we get to keep talking and getting to know each other, because I’m having a lot of fun at that. I appreciate the moments I’ve had with her, because I recognize her as one of those rare special people, who stands out amongst the others because her filter on the world is unbiased and real. I just admire her point of view and her perspective, I really do. She stands out as an intellectual, asking deeper than surface-level questions, questions that have true potential for deep, open-ended responses. I imagine soon we’ll be talking about Astronomy. Fuck. I did mean to bring up the latest Curiosity info for her and have that be the starting point for discussion. There’s plenty of time for all of that. The mission is a long ways from over. Fuck homes, we’re not even to Mt. Sharp yet. THAT’S when it gets real, dude.
I can’t complain. Things are rolling along exceptionally well. I’m stable at work and just getting ready to get into a groove. A good thing, surely. And that I enjoy what I’m doing helps. I wish only for a continued stability of life and circumstance, leading me towards a healthy and satisfactory way of living my little reality. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I’m not going out to do anything wrong. I’m keeping my arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. If something extra happens on to of that, I welcome it. Friendships are always a blessing when they are based on mutual respect. I think that’s what I have here, and I like it very much.