A Turning Point

Today I had a revolutionary session with Margaret. I’ve turned the page on Jax and let me help you understand how this just happened.

I’ve been feeling lonely and sad and abandoned. Which is all valid. But the SOURCE of those feelings was the subject if debate. Margaret challenged my sorrow with a series of devil’s advocate style questioning. Would I still be with Jax if I hadn’t tried to kill myself? Doubtful, considering how many complaints I had. Namely, she was unwilling to address problems, and would never talk out an issue with me. We would fight, she would get mad and shut down all further attempts to reconcile the disagreement. People who love to talk about their problems, but few will actually take steps to correct them. I find that Jax was not willing to resolve her issues on her own. So I talked to her to try and get her to evaluate her issues, but she had none of that. I was too controlling, because I was tired of waiting for her to take the initiative and solve her issues independently. If that’s the disqualifying factor I’m fine with that. If I am forced to bring the hammer down on you, we probably shouldn’t be together. You know? You really have to try in a relationship. I think I lost interest when I saw things getting out of control and issues going totally unresolved or otherwise ignored. I can’t stand that. Be proactive. Show some initiative. I need to do a better job of this myself, and it’s a change I have made. For future matches or even friends; relationships require fuel and a steady hand at the wheel. I don’t think that’s too much to ask of myself, and anyone else.

So. I don’t really have a reason to grieve. I’m not looking to get back together with Jax nor would I take that if it were presented to me. I was unhappy with her. Fundamental needs were not being met. I think that this thought-chain us exactly what I need to reconcile my grief once and for all. It’s hard to miss something you just don’t want anymore.