Monthly Archives: September 2014

To Forget

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My emotions have been a soup of problems. I’m hanging in there, but this is an undesirable state leaning towards misery. I have no real incentive for feeling this way. There is no cause or malady to address. As far as I can tell, this state of being is poisoned by an unfair source. A place where my defenses have no value and all I feel is pain. I don’t deserve what I feel, and that’s the ultimate irony of it.

Tonight was the end of a long and strenuous block where I was right back in the fray answering call after call. And I find my patience is short with people, especially when the fundamentals of language are non-present. I don’t dance around and I don’t panic under duress. I listen to some of these guys, and they bumble around and say more words than they have to. I’m concise, and purposeful in speech. There look. I gave myself a compliment. Yet.

Blog. I have the hardest time constructing validation, to help engineer positivity. Especially in the face of such cold, unrelenting sadness. I’m going to put one foot in front of the other and get going. This is life.

**Update 10-01-14 @ 3:25 pm**

I’m getting better day by day. My energy is slowly returning. But this is final week. And I’m down to my last 2 nights in the shelter. Soon, I’ll be in my apartment. Soon, my stable lifestyle of independence will begin. While I am transitioning to stability, my friend Will is road tripping around the western United States looking for something. I honestly could never do what he is doing. Not want to. I value stability versus the meandering inconsistency of having no real plan. Will thinks he is going to get to do whatever he wants and not have to deal with reality. I don’t understand the path he’s on and I disapprove. Not that it matters what I think. He doesn’t care anyway. Life, for me, has to be self sustaining and nurture tranquility through routine. This is my primary motivation. It is not a shared goal. But I’m doing better. Confused by the poor choices of others. What can you do?

September Mood Album: Frisky Mittens

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  1. Mad World – Tears For Fears
  2. Any Way You Want It – Journey
  3. Spanish Flea – Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass
  4. Hysteria – Def Leppard
  5. Walking On A Thin Line – Huey Lewis & The News
  6. Secret Separation – The Fixx
  7. Please Please Me – The Beatles
  8. Kodachrome – Paul Simon
  9. Kiss On My List – Hall & Oates
  10. The Night Owls – Little River Band
  11. A Little Respect – Erasure
  12. Baker Street – Gerry Rafferty
  13. The Promise – When In Rome
  14. Somebody To Love – Jefferson Airplane
  15. I Don’t Wanna Go On With You Like That – Elton John
  16. The Other Side Of Life – The Moody Blues
  17. Every Breath You Take – The Police
  18. More Than A Woman – Bee Gees
  19. Caught Up In The Rapture – Anita Baker

An Off Day

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I needed one, after I woke myself to the awareness of being dejected, drained, empty and alone. It seemed like the weekend never actually recharged me, never actually gave me back any energy to continue on with the week. I awoke to the strange feeling of being heartbroken all over again, crushed and otherwise cast down in shame. It’s not that I did anything to deserve this. I helped my parents sort out their anger issues with each other on Sunday, and guided them to a  resolution of a conflict within my little family unit. I thought I was rather the hero, but I guess these things take unseen tolls. I was drained of my emotional security, and fell prey to nasty thoughts right away. I was devastated this morning, and crying because all the bad stuff was coming back at me. I couldn’t keep it away. I had a hard time articulating anything, and I quickly came to the determination to help myself out of this state. I called in today, and regretfully found myself incapable of the job required of me. So much for my outgoing personality and my exuberance. It got eaten by the darkness today. As is sometimes the case when the mind is under duress. It’s my last 4 days here. Then I’m moving in to my new house, which I am very excited about to be truthful. And scared. Because I’ve failed SO MANY TIMES at life, and I’ve tried to throw this thing together before and lost it. I am keenly aware of my shortcomings, and trying my hardest to avoid disaster. Some days the boogey man wins, and he gets to lord it over me that I have no fight left to stop him. And sometimes this is the way of things, but it never lasts. It is always sunset over the empire of sadness. I make my way through this life as best I can figure. It just hurts sometimes.

**Update 11:06 am**

I’d be taking my first break right about now. I feel let-down by my poor mental state of being, I feel disappointed in myself, but I know that’s just going to make it worse. I have to get sick, like anybody gets sick and can’t perform the responsibilities of his or her job from time to time. My illness necessitates action, and I vastly prefer to have the freedom to chose wisely rather than be so desperate that I have to crunch-down and endure regardless of circumstance. I let myself recover as I should, in order to be back sooner, rather than exacerbating a small issue and potentially rendering myself useless for a longer period of time. I want to maximize my success, and sometimes you need a day to reconsider things. I’ve been in such haste to get to this point, but have I ever stopped to consider just how lonely I might get? Or how I will truly have not another person to talk to about my day, my adventures, my missteps. It’s not like the property owners are going to want to hear about my day, regardless of how nice and fun they are. It’s not their place to be the recipients of knowledge of that nature. I will keep a lot of things pretty much to myself, and my mental health is surely one of  them. I long for stability, but that means I will be fending for myself, by myself. I got a little boost from dad in the bank account department, which was nice. It all helps me in a small way, get to a bigger goal. And I want nothing more than to meet my challenges head-on and overcome them. I know I can. I suffer in some moments, I reign victorious in others. Thus is the way of the bipolar roller-coaster.

The Nectar Of Guessing

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We play so many games. We take calculated moves, and ruin them with foolish impulses. I find my self presently unafflicted by poor decision making. Not trying to jinx it or anything. I’ve worked hard, and made a ton of tiny incremental steps towards this moment of now. Success doesn’t approach by leaps and bounds. It meanders like the gentile erosion of a desert river. We stake too many things on happenstance and don’t give enough patience to our logical, thinking minds. Everything has become an instantly achieved sensation driven by a bloated want replete with fulfillment. Satisfied and gorged on getting whatever it wants. The tough choice are the ones that require a new set of merits: dedication, common sense, skepticism, analysis and hypothesis. The more time we give to thought, the better this existence will be. Courtesy a stranger because it’s easy to be cheap on observation. Recognition a vagrant at the hands of a gambler. Why do we tolerate such cultural norms? Am I the few, who refuse to play the game and become another suckler at the teat of Babylon? I beg for a more useful lot rather than the purgatory of desire. The Lone Bull Project is about living my life mindfully, openly. But I’m estranged from my peers. I have few things in common with you. But I guess that’s ok, considering I’ll NEVER compromise.

After Banana

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Hello blog. Fancy meeting you here. I’m doing swell, after a long day which started with therapy. It’s hard, getting started first thing going into some deep shit. Having to go back over the last two weeks and recap everything for Margaret. Which I don’t mind at all, and it gives us lots of things to talk about. Today we were going over some basics about what I’ll need when I’m independent: not just skills but essential stuff like nutrition and medical stability. I still have the county to lean on for now, until Mood hires me, then I’ll get the best medical plan they have. Fuck to the yes. In the mean time, I go see Dr. Judge on Friday at 8:30 in the morning. Not bad. I’m bright-eyed and bushy-tailed by then.

I’m doing swell at work. Often times running into trouble that requires some form of manager to resolve. Stuff I don’t really know about, or have knowledge that the issue is beyond my sphere of control. There’s only so much a customer service agent can do, you know? I had a real reminder of how temporary I am today when Jason referred to me as a temp. I tend to think of myself as a member of the team, if not in law then in name. I’m one of them, and good at what I do. And I don’t hear any blowback from those guys who work all around me. They’re pretty reckless sometimes, like watching whole soccer games on the live stream, then stopping to take a call. But those guys are the first-class agents, and they get to do what they want because they’re fucking experts. I’m not, so I don’t feel I deserve the same sort of carefree attitude, or whatever we want to call it. You have to EARN your respect, and I intend to out-pace those guys and I do believe that I am. I took 28 today, and Oscar said he takes between 20  and 25 a day. I had 33 the day before, and I was busy pretty much the whole way. Until that last hour of death. But things have been good blog, very good. I can’t wait to move in. I’m just so excited about it. I’m looking forward to being able to dust everything, and set-up my computer station in a new place, and bring my giant LCD TV out of storage. They have dish, so score. I may need to talk them in to buying RedZone channel so I have things to observe on any given Sunday. Hehe.

 

So goodnight for now, blog, and be well. I’m still frisky so I’ll see you later.

Cooked Ham

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I have been successfully engaging in sociality. I have made a friend, Sara, from OkCupid and have been on 2 dates (if we can call it that). I say that because my secret is out and I may have unintentionally put an end to the possibility of romance. I came clean about my past, my bipolar disorder, the bulk of the “dangerous” category. The category that makes me an alien. The very same that has been the end of so many engagements. But at least Sara was straight with me. It didn’t seem to upset her, but then again, she was stuck in the truck with me. To be honest blog, I don’t know what I want in this, but I’m fine with progression. I am a lost boy. I am searching, desperately, for understanding. I may have sabotaged my relationship with Sara by being blunt. I’m willing to embrace failure as I have before. But it may not go that way. I don’t know. I still want to know more. As all things should progress naturally, hopefully. But do I know? No. I’m fumbling about just like many others are. I just hope for a continued exploration of uniqueness. How could such things be bad? They are not. And may be lost, but have been a good thing thus far. I like Sara. She’s fun and I enjoy her company. I don’t want to have a plan. I can’t handle s fucking plan. I go to therapy tomorrow early. And Dr. Judge on Friday. I don’t have too much to report. Things are going to be just fine.

**Update 10:00 pm**

Looks like we are on different pages. It wasn’t because of my honesty, but because my uncertainty is not in line with her directive. I respect that; a woman who knows what she’s after. I certainly don’t know. And I’m reasonably ok with not knowing. Besides, things are still in transition for me. I have a lot of work to do before stable. But I’m trying to get there. I had fun with Sara, but she’s not going to wait around for me to figure it out. I have no clue how long that might take, and maybe this means I will have friendships not partnerships. I don’t know. Food for thought. A little sad. What can you do?

Astonished

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So today has been an outstanding day. I went on a fun date with Sara and we had beverage and walked around downtown La Mesa. It was a little hot. But we laughed the whole time, and I had a blast. I asked her out for dinner Tuesday night. I want to take her down to Filippi’s Pizza Grotto in Jamul because dude they make a mean pie. And they double-layer it with cheese. Fuck to the yes. So that was nice.

Later in the day, I went to go see about a place to live, and saw a quaint 4 unit house with a studio coming up for rent in October. Jan was super nice, and we really clicked. At least, it was my hope that we did. And she told me that they would decide in the morning. But no more than 20 minutes after I got home, she called and offered me the place. Wow. And just like that, the progress bar takes a big jump forward. The last real obstacle to establishing independent success. I feel like once the actual move is over, and after the dust settles, I can get into a normal rhythm. I eagerly await the ability to surf the internet, have a netflix account, have some real bandwidth to play with. Not that I need all that. Rent and utilities comes out to $850 a month, which is a tiny bit over my budget but until I get a pay raise my parents might have to help me stay afloat. Which is not ideal. But I’m just so damn close now. Marched right past that 65% mark I talked about earlier. I’m somewhere farther along. Making steady progress in an ever upwards direction. I’m just so happy to have found a place at last. And so close to family and friends. I know a lot of people in Spring Valley. The spot is great. No complaints as the grounds are quaint with a deluxe pool and spa combo. Hot stuff. October 4th is but two weeks away, and holy hell this is the official end of my temporary living situation. I have graduated on to a new phase, a step towards success. All signs point to yes.

So have a happy night. I treated myself to a yummy and now I’m going to snuggle-in for a comfy night’s sleep. Tomorrow is NFL Sunday and it’s really about time I got my ass kicked in the work league. I’ve managed to squeak by with the smallest margin of victory each week, which doesn’t make it any less a W, but it does add to the suspense. I have truly put my hat in for Houston against the NY Giants, on offense at least. Houston still has a few things to prove in defense. In my mind. After giving them a start last week and watching them choke away a decent number and end up with a measly 15.5. Boo. So Cincinnati will have the nod. But I have a feeling Arian Foster’s lighter workload may prove beneficial to Andre Johnson. Or so I hope. I need Andre to have a big game. After Julio Jones put up a crooked number (39) against me. That’s why I feel like I may have lost that one. But still anyone’s game, clearly. Sunday being far from decided. That’s why they play the games… so we might marvel at the amazing things that go on each week in the NFL.

Have a great night. I am.

Any Contact

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I’ve been going out and doing things blog. Angi my dear friend from high school is visiting California (from Italy) for 2 months. Holy shit right? I have to take advantage of that, because Angi is awesome, fun and a great person. We have lots of hilarious memories together, way back when things were easier, different. Well whatever it was, we were in drama class together room 262. And we did that for two years I think, possibly 3. I get a little fuzzed out over time, but that’s fine. So that news is exciting.

And to top that, I am going on a sorta date Saturday with a new friend I met through OkCupid. I may have mentioned my correspondence friend Sara. I have had several, a Saskia who stopped writing me back, a Julia who did the same, but Sara has always kept me engaged, and I her, and we make each other laugh quite a bit, and both like football and have been gabbing about that. So things are getting good in my social life, which is a really huge part of my recovery. If I’m ever going to be a functional human again, I need friends, interests, activities, hobbies, and whatnot. I need these things to be a full human being, and I want them desperately, to be understood and to share something with someone. I’m not prepared to go making a relationship out of this, because how could I? I don’t even have my own place. Fuck I have not even revealed to Sara that I’m Bipolar. And I should, if things were to get really serious, but for now we can be friends who have a lot of things in common and enjoy talking. She works in management in the medical research field. Holy shit, right? So she’s super engaging and fun to talk with. And we’ve had an ongoing conversation for a few weeks it feels like. 11 days, to be exact.

Well I’m growing a social life blog, and I’m sure happy about it. I got myself moved across the room near to mike and next to some really cool guys: Oscar sits behind me, on the same bench as I am. Across from me is Reggie B, who I don’t know very well, but seems to be pretty cool. Ryan is across from me, and I know him from billing training. I’m good with people’s names and whatnot. There’s another Reggie (A) on the other side of the divider from me, but he handles Mbox calls all day and I would have no reason to ask me (or I him) a question. But we might end up chatting anyway, eventually. I feel like I really need to go in there, in to the fucking lions den of experience, and prove myself. I am the rookie, the newb, the sheep among the wolves. And yet, when Ryan gets stuck in billing, he asks ME what to do, and I know the answer and help him. Oscar is a drive thru vet, and nothing slips by him. He caught one of my orders that had a bad part number (though I had no idea we didn’t use that part number anymore, it was on my sheet and that sheet is my legit source of part numbers). But that’s like the only thing I’ve fucked up lately. I got in a bad way over something that got said to a rep from Ikea US West. I told them they were delinquent (which they were), and I was supposed to keep that a secret from them, which I did not know. And they took what I said and spun it hyper-insane-explosion of bad. Big company meeting. Fucked story. So I learned never to tell a premier client that they haven’t paid their balance in a long, long time. Because that’s corporate’s job, not mine.

So it’s Friday blog, with an eventful day tomorrow. After I meet Sara, I’m going to see an apartment in Spring Valley, which seems like a really nice place and I’ve already made friends with the property manager Ken. $775 is in my range, for sure. And I should really push for something soon since I found out the Uncle Mike roommate thing is officially dead. He wants to be alone for his divorce, which I get. But it’s a shame, because that would have been a rock solid chance at stability. He could have looked out for me too, but now I will have to harden myself and do that for myself. I like having a security blanket, but I MUST learn to stand on my own, and be my own safety net. If need be. I MUST prove this to myself, as it is the imperative of my recovery project. So I shall, and rise to the occasion I will, and be proud as well. I’m having a happy, reflective, eventful time in my life blog. Thanks for being here through the really rough times, as well as the soft cushy times like these. Things are looking good. Happy Friday.

 

 

Bubbled Up

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Want of leaf
Strewn loose
While tender
Heartbeat empty
Paced feet
Wretched wear
Rote begat
Desperation’s turn
Under sunlight
Afloat, the truth
Stunning, told
Afternoon shadows
Began awry
The spun–
Yolk-blush beat
Fortified gratitude
Selfishly unaware
Handles turning
Seconds screaming
For deliverance

A Little Respect – Erasure

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I try to discover
A little something to make me sweeter
Oh baby refrain
From breaking my heart

I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
Why you’re making me work so hard

That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no

Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please,
Give a little respect
To me

And if I should falter
Would you open your arms out to me
We can make love not war
And live at peace in our hearts

I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
What religion or reason
Could drive a man to forsake his lover

Don’t you tell me no
Don’t you tell me no
Don’t you tell me no
Don’t you tell me no

Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please,
Give a little respect
To me

I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
You know you’re making me work so hard

That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no

Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please,
Give a little respect
To me

Mondaycholia

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Snap up the sunlight,
Hollow in the wanting wood.
A clean shore break of reality,
Burdened with frustration,
Tied-down to routine–
Measured in long hours,
Spent up and crossed in thought,
A reckless hatred of daylight.
Abused and down,
How quickly the weeds grow.
Sitting in misery,
Void of empty desires,
The harrowing bell-chime–
Of the dark to follow.
Away with reason–
The time still burns.

Pointed At Up

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I’ve been in a good place. I’m not so butt-hurt over losing my pen pal Saskia for yet another unknown reason. But I added a Sara to the equation. I like having new people to talk to, as this encourages social growth over reclusion. I can’t be troubled by quitters, and will stick with the people who stick with me. Seems pretty straightforward.

I met with my dear friend Angi who went to high school with me but then moved away to Italy. She is back in town for a couple months, it turns out, and will be available for fun for a while. We’ll get to chat and hang out some for the first time in like 4 years. Since I lived in Sacramento back in 2010. Remember that whole life that happened up there? Well I got to go revisiting it all today as I told the tale to Angi. And of course it’s a story with a moral and a message. But I’m not here to be pedantic or regurgitate events to you. We had fun catching up and it was super nice to see her again. When you haven’t really had much communication with someone for that long it kinda makes their memory fuzz out a little bit I guess. Because maybe it becomes harder to imagine what they might do or say. So reunions. A grand thing for long-term friends.

But there’s still a full day off ahead of me, and we’ll just have to wait and see if my hot streak can continue. Perhaps not.

It’s Friday!

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Hey, my work week has just ended! Hooray! I deserve some time off, for sure, with how hard I work. Today was a game changing day for me. I finally had enough of the profanity, youtube videos of carnage and gore, and constant violation of company policy and took my complaints to Mike. Naturally Mike was alarmed, and took it to Dave, who then wanted to have a meeting with me. So they pulled me aside and asked me what the hell was going on, and I was totally frank and honest. I can’t stand the way Dominique says “Motherfuck this” and “motherfuck that” every few seconds, and how Kevin will ignore a call, let it go abandoned, go red cup in Zeacom autologing him for ignoring a call, and then putting himself on Order Entry so he can’t take a call. Then he’ll get up and go talk with someone about some game they play where they shoot people a lot. And he talks about how great he is all the time, like it’s something he thinks he can convince me of. Like HE is getting over on all of us because he thinks he’s getting away with it. Well, he’s not getting away with anything, nor will I be a complacent enabler of dreadful behavior. Eliminate him. He’s fucking useless, and is SCAMMING my company by not working for them, putting in as little effort as possible, and making MY job harder. And he thinks he’s just so fucking good. Like Kevin is the authority on ANYTHING? So, Dave had no idea the youtube shit was going on. I’m fucking terrified that I’m going to be on the phone with a customer and someone will motherfuck a little to loud, like he always gets, and I’ll have an escalated call in 1 millisecond. And it looks bad on us. SO BAD. TO be represented by that level of stupidity is a blemish that does more damage than most, because it is rapidly distributed through word of mouth, and a bad reputation is a terrible thing to lose. So, I’m not putting up with that shit. They fucking move me all the way across the room today, right next to Ryan, Oscar and Reggie of which there are two. One in front of me, one on my diagonal.  Oscar has a big personality. I think we’re going to get along really well. I was already speaking Spanish with him earlier. That took him a bit by surprise, I think. Amazingly, a game-changing variety of day. It’s unacceptable to tolerate delinquency; ineptitude is not rewarded with consistent pay. I hope I am the hammer of fucking justice on them. And Stephanie is gone, thank the Jesus. It’s going to be desolate in the lower half of the room, and Dave doesn’t want to fire people, he said, he wants to help them quit if they don’t like what they’re doing. I think these people can perform the basic function, but are they decent? Are they respect-worthy? I’m a sensation on the phone, charming, hilarious, confident. It’s fucking comedy hour over here. I’m damn good at what I do, and I sure know it. And frankly, so must the customers I interact with, because I know what the hell I’m doing and I get shit done, without mistakes. It’s a good day today, because I am earning the respect of the right people, in the right places, where I am already very valued, and clearly the very first employee they will hire on to Mood Media. I imagine there will be some sort of pay increase, though I know not how much. I’d be shocked if they kept me at the same rate. I need to live fellas. I don’t know what’s coming, but I’d be surprised, truly, if I ended up in a pickle. I think good, excellent and bodacious things are headed my way. And I’m already earning “Mike’s favorite” status. Which is a thing I like. Good Friday blog peoples, I hope you go forth and have fun tonight, as I will be trying my hardest to enjoy every vibrant moment on cloud 9. See you later.

Dear

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I’m having a rough day emotionally. I’m sad deep down in my core and I don’t know what to do about it. The feeling is just generic sadness draping over my day like a cold wet blanket. I imagine being at work and doing my responsibilities will help that feeling dissipate. But today is half over for me. And the slower half is coming up. So I should have some time in the 5:00 hour to sing some and lift my spirits. After 5:00, basically everyone goes home and I stay till 6:00 when my shift ends. So that last hour I have the whole room to myself, pretty much. I could use a puck-me-up today. For sure.

3:00 update: I’m a little bored but doing ok. I feel like my whole life is an exercise in patience. I keep having these upwelling feelings, and they get to me sometimes. But isn’t that typical? I have therapy tomorrow, and generally, don’t have much to go over with Margaret. She helped me see that my sadness over Jax was misplaced, and so I progressed beyond a state of mourning to acceptance. Where I am doing better overall. I don’t feel abused like I had. I feel responsible and aware. I’m just trying to move along my life-road. It’s not easy, but things worth having are always attainable. Time to get back in there and put my head down. Sigh.

Shiny Apple

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So blog, I’ve been a busy little bee. I made two awesome new friends. Julie and Saskia. I have met both through OkCupid, and they have been engaging and fun in long-term conversations that have been both enlightening and fruitful. I’m learning two new people, and sharing my troubling little story, which Is a sad one at times, but I think it’s somewhat therapeutic to interact with people and talk with them about their lives. I mean, I’m not in a position to go out and get in a relationship AT ALL. Remember the Lone Bull Project? I haven’t given up on my long term goal of full independence, and established stability. I am not there yet folks. There’s still a ways to go yet. I have made some awesome progress, mind you. And I have not forgotten about any of the steps I have taken so far to get to where I am… which I’d say is like 65% of the way there. I’m getting closer every day. TODAY at work Dave took us aside and told us he was looking forward to having us hired as full time employees of Mood Media. I had to pipe up and say SOMETHING. I grabbed the fucking mic and told Dave, straight up, that we were looking forward, ALL OF US (and there were like 10 people in that room), to joining the team, and we still felt like we were part of the team because of the months of work we’ve already put in. But it would be fucking sweet to have one of those ID badges that open the back door. And my name above my desk. Boom. So It’s going to happen, Dave said he submitted the request to keep us to corporate. It’s up to them to say how many of us can stay. I must surely be the first one they are going to consider keeping. I’m fucking spotless. Shit never comes back at me. EVER. Fucking every other new hire there has dealt with blow-back from angry internal departments. Not I. I get friendly email replies all the time, thanking me, or asking me for additional information. Or even to check my damn price list. People just love making up reasons to call Westin. It’s great. I am highly appreciated there. So, I have that sort of RAD finish to the day, and Saskia and I have been chatting all week, and that’s been just so much fun. It’s nice to make a friend. A person I can relate to, who comprehends my plight, my life, my persona in some way. That’s recognition, respect, trust, the valuable attributes. I’m not going to relationshiptown. Not for a long long time. Not until my personal salvation project has run it’s course. So things are great blog. Happy Friday. Peace.

Greetings

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Hi blog. It’s been a little while since I really sat here and gave you the proper attention. Hi. It’s nice that you are here, because you never seem to get tired of listening. Lately, things have been looking in a positive and upward direction. I’m doing just great at work. Mike came over to hang out with me and I got stuck at work again and had to finish my shit before I could go home. I’ve been doing great though. I’ve found myself singing more. I’m not saying I sing respectably. I am on key though. I just might be down an octave. My emotions have been both regular and stable. I’m thankful for provocations, calamities or other boogers that can bring on feelings. Uncontrollable feelings sometimes. Or so it feels. I contend that my body is a container that my insane feelings can’t escape from. Like a thermos full of hot coffee that stays hot for a long time.

My ethic has been rock solid. I’ve missed a couple of days to illness, but I doubt they’ll hold that against me. I infrequently ask rock solid questions, or if I am ever derailed by an issue, it’s usually because some higher up needs to get involved. That’s an ok problem to have. I’ve earned a status amongst the senior staff as the stand out new hire. The one they will think of first when they look to hire some us permanently. That’s a day I look forward to with great anticipation. I know it’s coming, somewhere, somehow. The corporate machine works slowly. And I have patience.

I continue to look around for a place to live but living off of temp agency paychecks is tough. I don’t make enough on my own to get a place. Everything is slightly out of grasp, and really only feasible under some limited circumstances. When Mood hires me, and I get a couple of paychecks under my belt, I’ll look better and (importantly) be ready. This is a steady climb. It’s not a sprint to the end of the race. My parents have been very supportive, and have helped me along a stable path to recovery. I had a long way to go, and some distance to go yet still. Life is a never-ending ever-changing series of events, where outcomes are never certain. But that’s the great fuzzy curiosity about the whole damn thing. It keeps me going, because we humans are always up to something, and if we’re not, the Earth does the rest. Our society is just as volatile as the geologic history of our planet. We are only fooling ourselves if we think we are never going to have to deal with it (in some regard). Whatever it happens to be, something comes along and changes the whole equation. It’s just about inevitable. The only real requirement is participation, not spectatorship.

Well blog, it’s been nice chatting. I don’t have big thoughts all the time or anything. I am just trying to have an honest assessment. My introspective processes are all designed to help me stay fresh and ready for more life. I don’t want to continue to be irresponsible for my sentience. I could just as easily live obliviously, but I don’t, because the extra effort to learn things makes life exciting. For me at least. I hope you have a pleasant evening blog. I am sleepy. Goodnight.

Chippy

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Sports Pontifications, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been on an “emotional roll” lately. I have had plenty of chances to feel sad or despairing over this or that, but I have taken none of it in, and have just gone about my life regardless. It’s hard recovering from such a catastrophic meltdown, but I have and I’m doing well. I’m interacting with new people all the time and sharing my interesting story. I find that the more chances I present myself to “get over it” the more of those chances I take, and make progress. I have been working with Margaret very closely, and she had some awesome conclusions for me to make at my last session. Truth is, I don’t have love for Jax in my heart anymore, or concern, or care. I just don’t want anything to do with her anymore, which was a hard thing to admit, given my morbid fascination with her life and it’s new direction. I’m through with occupying my time with Jax-thoughts. For good.

 

The “very exciting” NFL season starts tomorrow. A day I have awaited with much anticipation since the Fantasy Football leagues opened May 30. So I’ve had 80 some days to sit here and think about what I wanted to do, and when it finally came time to draft, I threw that plan right out the window and responded as the draft went a direction I could not have anticipated. Instead of doubling up on talented QBs in my jumbo-flex roster, I took 4 talented RBs and intend to steamroll my opponents with more ground game than they can handle. I run Jamaal Charles, Arian Foster, Le’Veon Bell and Ben Tate out there and see what I can get. I like having the reigns of an offense that focuses on the run, like Kansas City will have to considering their only wide-out is suspended. The guys I got will get 15-25 carries a game, and those are numbers you can build off to achieve success. You have seen my rosters, so you know what I did. The Ideus (Bailey) league is a bit murky. I’m not putting much stock in ESPN’s initial prediction that I will be swallowed by 20 points or more. Says I have a 20 point victory margin in the other league. Don’t put much stock in point-forecasting. If anything, it’s fun to compare how they project and how they perform when it’s said and done.

 

So I don’t have much for you this morning. I’m writing less because I’m not struggling with my feelings like I have been in the past. I’m doing well, and scooting along happily.

After The Draft Is Done

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Sports Pontifications, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

I’ve had both drafts in my two leagues, and they went very well. I have a wide-receiver heavy team in the Ideus (Bailey) league and a balanced attack in the work league. I won the best draft award in the work league with a B+. And I’ve already had to put down some silly trades. Ian is right back at it trying to get me to trade week 1. He’s so funny.

Anyway, in the Ideus League my roster looks like this:

QB – Drew Brees
WR – Calvin Johnson / A.J. Green
RB – Alfred Morris / Frank Gore
FLEX – Antonio Brown / Roddy White
TE – Kyle Rudolph / Heath Miller
DEF/ST – Cincinnati
K – Steven Gostkowski

And In the Detail Oriented league:

QB – Phillip Rivers / Andy Dalton
WR – A.J. Green / Brandon Marshall
RB – Jamaal Charles / Le’Veon Bell
FLEX – Arian Foster / Andre Johnson
TE – Jason Witten
DEF/ST – Cincinnati
K – Matt Bryant