To Forget

My emotions have been a soup of problems. I’m hanging in there, but this is an undesirable state leaning towards misery. I have no real incentive for feeling this way. There is no cause or malady to address. As far as I can tell, this state of being is poisoned by an unfair source. A place where my defenses have no value and all I feel is pain. I don’t deserve what I feel, and that’s the ultimate irony of it.

Tonight was the end of a long and strenuous block where I was right back in the fray answering call after call. And I find my patience is short with people, especially when the fundamentals of language are non-present. I don’t dance around and I don’t panic under duress. I listen to some of these guys, and they bumble around and say more words than they have to. I’m concise, and purposeful in speech. There look. I gave myself a compliment. Yet.

Blog. I have the hardest time constructing validation, to help engineer positivity. Especially in the face of such cold, unrelenting sadness. I’m going to put one foot in front of the other and get going. This is life.

**Update 10-01-14 @ 3:25 pm**

I’m getting better day by day. My energy is slowly returning. But this is final week. And I’m down to my last 2 nights in the shelter. Soon, I’ll be in my apartment. Soon, my stable lifestyle of independence will begin. While I am transitioning to stability, my friend Will is road tripping around the western United States looking for something. I honestly could never do what he is doing. Not want to. I value stability versus the meandering inconsistency of having no real plan. Will thinks he is going to get to do whatever he wants and not have to deal with reality. I don’t understand the path he’s on and I disapprove. Not that it matters what I think. He doesn’t care anyway. Life, for me, has to be self sustaining and nurture tranquility through routine. This is my primary motivation. It is not a shared goal. But I’m doing better. Confused by the poor choices of others. What can you do?

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Kite

Dry and parched
A screaming wind
Bellows of the maker
Tumble down rivers
A torrent, a whisper
The long shadow of loss
Bridges over the ruin
The cries of the unheard
Shallow in merits
Fueled by want
Unfolding for no one
The secret of day remains
Chasing itself backward
On the wing

September Mood Album: Frisky Mittens

  1. Mad World – Tears For Fears
  2. Any Way You Want It – Journey
  3. Spanish Flea – Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass
  4. Hysteria – Def Leppard
  5. Walking On A Thin Line – Huey Lewis & The News
  6. Secret Separation – The Fixx
  7. Please Please Me – The Beatles
  8. Kodachrome – Paul Simon
  9. Kiss On My List – Hall & Oates
  10. The Night Owls – Little River Band
  11. A Little Respect – Erasure
  12. Baker Street – Gerry Rafferty
  13. The Promise – When In Rome
  14. Somebody To Love – Jefferson Airplane
  15. I Don’t Wanna Go On With You Like That – Elton John
  16. The Other Side Of Life – The Moody Blues
  17. Every Breath You Take – The Police
  18. More Than A Woman – Bee Gees
  19. Caught Up In The Rapture – Anita Baker

An Off Day

I needed one, after I woke myself to the awareness of being dejected, drained, empty and alone. It seemed like the weekend never actually recharged me, never actually gave me back any energy to continue on with the week. I awoke to the strange feeling of being heartbroken all over again, crushed and otherwise cast down in shame. It’s not that I did anything to deserve this. I helped my parents sort out their anger issues with each other on Sunday, and guided them to a  resolution of a conflict within my little family unit. I thought I was rather the hero, but I guess these things take unseen tolls. I was drained of my emotional security, and fell prey to nasty thoughts right away. I was devastated this morning, and crying because all the bad stuff was coming back at me. I couldn’t keep it away. I had a hard time articulating anything, and I quickly came to the determination to help myself out of this state. I called in today, and regretfully found myself incapable of the job required of me. So much for my outgoing personality and my exuberance. It got eaten by the darkness today. As is sometimes the case when the mind is under duress. It’s my last 4 days here. Then I’m moving in to my new house, which I am very excited about to be truthful. And scared. Because I’ve failed SO MANY TIMES at life, and I’ve tried to throw this thing together before and lost it. I am keenly aware of my shortcomings, and trying my hardest to avoid disaster. Some days the boogey man wins, and he gets to lord it over me that I have no fight left to stop him. And sometimes this is the way of things, but it never lasts. It is always sunset over the empire of sadness. I make my way through this life as best I can figure. It just hurts sometimes.

**Update 11:06 am**

I’d be taking my first break right about now. I feel let-down by my poor mental state of being, I feel disappointed in myself, but I know that’s just going to make it worse. I have to get sick, like anybody gets sick and can’t perform the responsibilities of his or her job from time to time. My illness necessitates action, and I vastly prefer to have the freedom to chose wisely rather than be so desperate that I have to crunch-down and endure regardless of circumstance. I let myself recover as I should, in order to be back sooner, rather than exacerbating a small issue and potentially rendering myself useless for a longer period of time. I want to maximize my success, and sometimes you need a day to reconsider things. I’ve been in such haste to get to this point, but have I ever stopped to consider just how lonely I might get? Or how I will truly have not another person to talk to about my day, my adventures, my missteps. It’s not like the property owners are going to want to hear about my day, regardless of how nice and fun they are. It’s not their place to be the recipients of knowledge of that nature. I will keep a lot of things pretty much to myself, and my mental health is surely one of  them. I long for stability, but that means I will be fending for myself, by myself. I got a little boost from dad in the bank account department, which was nice. It all helps me in a small way, get to a bigger goal. And I want nothing more than to meet my challenges head-on and overcome them. I know I can. I suffer in some moments, I reign victorious in others. Thus is the way of the bipolar roller-coaster.

The Nectar Of Guessing

We play so many games. We take calculated moves, and ruin them with foolish impulses. I find my self presently unafflicted by poor decision making. Not trying to jinx it or anything. I’ve worked hard, and made a ton of tiny incremental steps towards this moment of now. Success doesn’t approach by leaps and bounds. It meanders like the gentile erosion of a desert river. We stake too many things on happenstance and don’t give enough patience to our logical, thinking minds. Everything has become an instantly achieved sensation driven by a bloated want replete with fulfillment. Satisfied and gorged on getting whatever it wants. The tough choice are the ones that require a new set of merits: dedication, common sense, skepticism, analysis and hypothesis. The more time we give to thought, the better this existence will be. Courtesy a stranger because it’s easy to be cheap on observation. Recognition a vagrant at the hands of a gambler. Why do we tolerate such cultural norms? Am I the few, who refuse to play the game and become another suckler at the teat of Babylon? I beg for a more useful lot rather than the purgatory of desire. The Lone Bull Project is about living my life mindfully, openly. But I’m estranged from my peers. I have few things in common with you. But I guess that’s ok, considering I’ll NEVER compromise.

After Banana

Hello blog. Fancy meeting you here. I’m doing swell, after a long day which started with therapy. It’s hard, getting started first thing going into some deep shit. Having to go back over the last two weeks and recap everything for Margaret. Which I don’t mind at all, and it gives us lots of things to talk about. Today we were going over some basics about what I’ll need when I’m independent: not just skills but essential stuff like nutrition and medical stability. I still have the county to lean on for now, until Mood hires me, then I’ll get the best medical plan they have. Fuck to the yes. In the mean time, I go see Dr. Judge on Friday at 8:30 in the morning. Not bad. I’m bright-eyed and bushy-tailed by then.

I’m doing swell at work. Often times running into trouble that requires some form of manager to resolve. Stuff I don’t really know about, or have knowledge that the issue is beyond my sphere of control. There’s only so much a customer service agent can do, you know? I had a real reminder of how temporary I am today when Jason referred to me as a temp. I tend to think of myself as a member of the team, if not in law then in name. I’m one of them, and good at what I do. And I don’t hear any blowback from those guys who work all around me. They’re pretty reckless sometimes, like watching whole soccer games on the live stream, then stopping to take a call. But those guys are the first-class agents, and they get to do what they want because they’re fucking experts. I’m not, so I don’t feel I deserve the same sort of carefree attitude, or whatever we want to call it. You have to EARN your respect, and I intend to out-pace those guys and I do believe that I am. I took 28 today, and Oscar said he takes between 20  and 25 a day. I had 33 the day before, and I was busy pretty much the whole way. Until that last hour of death. But things have been good blog, very good. I can’t wait to move in. I’m just so excited about it. I’m looking forward to being able to dust everything, and set-up my computer station in a new place, and bring my giant LCD TV out of storage. They have dish, so score. I may need to talk them in to buying RedZone channel so I have things to observe on any given Sunday. Hehe.

 

So goodnight for now, blog, and be well. I’m still frisky so I’ll see you later.