Cooked Ham

I have been successfully engaging in sociality. I have made a friend, Sara, from OkCupid and have been on 2 dates (if we can call it that). I say that because my secret is out and I may have unintentionally put an end to the possibility of romance. I came clean about my past, my bipolar disorder, the bulk of the “dangerous” category. The category that makes me an alien. The very same that has been the end of so many engagements. But at least Sara was straight with me. It didn’t seem to upset her, but then again, she was stuck in the truck with me. To be honest blog, I don’t know what I want in this, but I’m fine with progression. I am a lost boy. I am searching, desperately, for understanding. I may have sabotaged my relationship with Sara by being blunt. I’m willing to embrace failure as I have before. But it may not go that way. I don’t know. I still want to know more. As all things should progress naturally, hopefully. But do I know? No. I’m fumbling about just like many others are. I just hope for a continued exploration of uniqueness. How could such things be bad? They are not. And may be lost, but have been a good thing thus far. I like Sara. She’s fun and I enjoy her company. I don’t want to have a plan. I can’t handle s fucking plan. I go to therapy tomorrow early. And Dr. Judge on Friday. I don’t have too much to report. Things are going to be just fine.

**Update 10:00 pm**

Looks like we are on different pages. It wasn’t because of my honesty, but because my uncertainty is not in line with her directive. I respect that; a woman who knows what she’s after. I certainly don’t know. And I’m reasonably ok with not knowing. Besides, things are still in transition for me. I have a lot of work to do before stable. But I’m trying to get there. I had fun with Sara, but she’s not going to wait around for me to figure it out. I have no clue how long that might take, and maybe this means I will have friendships not partnerships. I don’t know. Food for thought. A little sad. What can you do?

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