An Off Day

I needed one, after I woke myself to the awareness of being dejected, drained, empty and alone. It seemed like the weekend never actually recharged me, never actually gave me back any energy to continue on with the week. I awoke to the strange feeling of being heartbroken all over again, crushed and otherwise cast down in shame. It’s not that I did anything to deserve this. I helped my parents sort out their anger issues with each other on Sunday, and guided them to a  resolution of a conflict within my little family unit. I thought I was rather the hero, but I guess these things take unseen tolls. I was drained of my emotional security, and fell prey to nasty thoughts right away. I was devastated this morning, and crying because all the bad stuff was coming back at me. I couldn’t keep it away. I had a hard time articulating anything, and I quickly came to the determination to help myself out of this state. I called in today, and regretfully found myself incapable of the job required of me. So much for my outgoing personality and my exuberance. It got eaten by the darkness today. As is sometimes the case when the mind is under duress. It’s my last 4 days here. Then I’m moving in to my new house, which I am very excited about to be truthful. And scared. Because I’ve failed SO MANY TIMES at life, and I’ve tried to throw this thing together before and lost it. I am keenly aware of my shortcomings, and trying my hardest to avoid disaster. Some days the boogey man wins, and he gets to lord it over me that I have no fight left to stop him. And sometimes this is the way of things, but it never lasts. It is always sunset over the empire of sadness. I make my way through this life as best I can figure. It just hurts sometimes.

**Update 11:06 am**

I’d be taking my first break right about now. I feel let-down by my poor mental state of being, I feel disappointed in myself, but I know that’s just going to make it worse. I have to get sick, like anybody gets sick and can’t perform the responsibilities of his or her job from time to time. My illness necessitates action, and I vastly prefer to have the freedom to chose wisely rather than be so desperate that I have to crunch-down and endure regardless of circumstance. I let myself recover as I should, in order to be back sooner, rather than exacerbating a small issue and potentially rendering myself useless for a longer period of time. I want to maximize my success, and sometimes you need a day to reconsider things. I’ve been in such haste to get to this point, but have I ever stopped to consider just how lonely I might get? Or how I will truly have not another person to talk to about my day, my adventures, my missteps. It’s not like the property owners are going to want to hear about my day, regardless of how nice and fun they are. It’s not their place to be the recipients of knowledge of that nature. I will keep a lot of things pretty much to myself, and my mental health is surely one of  them. I long for stability, but that means I will be fending for myself, by myself. I got a little boost from dad in the bank account department, which was nice. It all helps me in a small way, get to a bigger goal. And I want nothing more than to meet my challenges head-on and overcome them. I know I can. I suffer in some moments, I reign victorious in others. Thus is the way of the bipolar roller-coaster.