My emotions have been a soup of problems. I’m hanging in there, but this is an undesirable state leaning towards misery. I have no real incentive for feeling this way. There is no cause or malady to address. As far as I can tell, this state of being is poisoned by an unfair source. A place where my defenses have no value and all I feel is pain. I don’t deserve what I feel, and that’s the ultimate irony of it.
Tonight was the end of a long and strenuous block where I was right back in the fray answering call after call. And I find my patience is short with people, especially when the fundamentals of language are non-present. I don’t dance around and I don’t panic under duress. I listen to some of these guys, and they bumble around and say more words than they have to. I’m concise, and purposeful in speech. There look. I gave myself a compliment. Yet.
Blog. I have the hardest time constructing validation, to help engineer positivity. Especially in the face of such cold, unrelenting sadness. I’m going to put one foot in front of the other and get going. This is life.
**Update 10-01-14 @ 3:25 pm**
I’m getting better day by day. My energy is slowly returning. But this is final week. And I’m down to my last 2 nights in the shelter. Soon, I’ll be in my apartment. Soon, my stable lifestyle of independence will begin. While I am transitioning to stability, my friend Will is road tripping around the western United States looking for something. I honestly could never do what he is doing. Not want to. I value stability versus the meandering inconsistency of having no real plan. Will thinks he is going to get to do whatever he wants and not have to deal with reality. I don’t understand the path he’s on and I disapprove. Not that it matters what I think. He doesn’t care anyway. Life, for me, has to be self sustaining and nurture tranquility through routine. This is my primary motivation. It is not a shared goal. But I’m doing better. Confused by the poor choices of others. What can you do?