Monthly Archives: October 2014

Lucky

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

I guess I owe a lot of my recent success to being pretty lucky. Like how I got my current apartment: I was the last one they interviewed and they didn’t even know I was coming (they thought I was going to show up a day earlier). I got in, and no more than 40 minutes after that interview with Ken and Jan, they called me to offer the place. I was lucky before that to get a call from Paula, a recruiter for Eastridge (the staffing company that put me on assignment at Mood Media). And I was lucky well before then that my parents happened to be in town when my life fell apart, lending me at least some temporary shelter at their RV. I was lucky to have family in town who could lend a hand when I needed to move. I can see a pattern here. Maybe I really did bust my ass and make the most of those opportunities, but I was still lucky to get them.

Isn’t a lot of what happens to us luck? Sometimes we get a break, and a random good thing happens instead of a random bad thing. I’m a big fan of putting life-events into perspective, and I owe a portion of my success to the whims of chance. I can both know that, but not let it downsize the effort it took to capitalize on those situations.

Like a wide receiver catching a short pass in the flat. He has to make a guy miss in order to gain any yardage, and he is presented the chance to make the most of that opportunity. He has to turn upfield, break a tackle, and get a first down in order for that short throw to have been worth it. The catch he makes is the luck component. His move after that moment is what he will do, given the opportunity to take that luck and make the most of it.

But come on. We have to give credit where it’s due. The hard part is making something of the opportunity. There are just so many ways to blow a chance and squander a lucky break. It’s all too easy. Realizing it for what it is, and then doing something about it is on you.

Today, I’d like to appreciate the favorable breaks I have been given. I just had to put it into perspective. It’s not like I walked out into the nothing by myself and made a whole new reality. I had luck on my side, and I put in the work to expand my potential. Makes sense?

So that’s some food for thought. I hope that this post rings true for you in your life, and maybe you haven’t taken advantage of luck, or maybe you have. Point being, we aren’t 100% in control. We live, at times, on chance. We need those breaks in order to advance our lives by greater than normal steps. Life can be ground away at. It can be shaved down over time, and worked (slowly) in to a more desirable shape. But it’s luck that cracks the whip of progress. And on this evening, I’m quite thankful for it.

Down To It

by in Mental Illness, PC Games & Theories, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

So I’m kinda bored. I get 2 billing calls an hour, and that’s no fun. This has been a silly day. Kids came by asking for candy, the music on the overhead speakers has been nothing but Halloween music today. 100%. I’ve heard the Ghostbusters theme and Thriller at least 4 times each. This has been a very odd day, with a low volume of calls and most everyone has left for the day. It’s me and Gabriel and Jason the whole rest of the way. And believe me, I’m counting down the seconds until I can blow this joint.

I look forward to going home and making another round of coffee and having an actual night of fun. I intend to try out the newest release of Ultimate Apocalypse 1.73.7 which was released a couple days ago. Not sure what kinds of changes they’ve implemented in this third pre-patch before the big 2 race expansion. They are not going to call it 1.74 either. They’ve got some Daemon type name that they plan to use to designate it as the big one. But they’re whetting our appetites with these little gameplay tweak type mods releases. I’m not complaining at all. Just curious about what they’ve done so far. But I think I will be giving some of my attention to Act 4 of Diablo II as well. I managed to utterly pummel Mephisto in my last run, along with the High Council, who stood no chance against my mighty assassin. I’ve dumped most of my skill points into her Burst Of Speed ability, which has a huge payout in insane attack rate, and being able to zoom through stages at 150% base movement speed or whatever it is. It’s nuts though, and I have it skilled beyond 20 with charms and a Stone Of Jordan ring which I made by harvesting fragments until I had a full moonstone. Nice. I’m wishing I was there now, instead of trapped in work purgatory. Sad but very true. Still 45 minutes to go.

8 Days A Week

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Well blog, it doesn’t take much to make me happy. Clearly. I find joy in the passive reassurance that my life is stable and set-up for a long run. If you had been on the roller coaster ride I have been on for the last few years, you just might see my enthusiasm differently. Personally, I find my fulfillment comes from consecutive acts of normalcy; to be free of a world bound to unpredictable change. Like so many of my past relationships, which tied me to the crucible of someone else’s prerogative (or mood), I have finally taken the liberating step towards establishing safety for the first time in a good long while.

So my heart is saying: hey, aren’t you lonely? Don’t you want somebody to love? Don’t you NEED somebody to love?

But to be honest, I’m not really interested in it. I’ve had so many consecutive bad experiences with others (and with myself going through the changes that love brings on), that I’m inclined to stay away from it altogether. I mean, I don’t hold it against my ex for going out and finding love again. I’m just not even on that page in the story. My needs have surpassed what love can offer, and my desires are not inclined towards needing love back in my life to feel complete. Love has made me feel fractured and out of place, not reassured and whole. With a mountain of evidence suggesting I steer clear of relationships, I’ve only done what is logical in this regard. It is not my mission to replace Jax in my life with someone else. It is not even necessary to replace anything in the first place. We’re two people in vastly different chapters of the life-story. There is no way or reason to compare the two.

So today is another silly day. It’s Halloween, a truly pointless and unrewarding holiday, and I’m just glad for the ongoing distraction from the regular grind of work. I go back in for training tomorrow at 8 am, and we’re learning three new drive-thru systems that Mood now supports. It should be no big thing. I’m good with the learning. So have a great candy day, or indulgence day or whatever we’re calling it. Be well.

**UPDATE 12:15 pm**

It’s a mad house in there today. Between people running back and forth with food, laughing and little kids walking around asking for candy, it’s a wonder I’ve even done work today. And it’s just silly. I already had some tasty food, and have this little break to relax from the insanity of my workplace. Pretty funny though. How often can one say that their work comes to a grinding productivity halt on Halloween of all days. I can’t even imagine what Christmas is like at Mood. Just bonkers. So I hope your day is going well. Mine sure is, and with a flair for the bizarre.

**UPDATE 3:15 pm**

Deserted. Most people have gone home, or are barely involved in work. I’m starting to go a little bananas over not having much to do. I handle like 2 billing calls every 45 minutes. And they typically only last for a few minutes. So this will be a long afternoon. A long, numbing, boring afternoon. Le sigh.

Familiarity

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Hello and good evening to you. I made a rather remarkable observation just now as I was doing the last several things I do before I get into bed: I turn my computer off, use my left hand to turn my desk lamp off, and plunge my domicile into complete darkness. But it only lasts 1 second, because when my monitor shuts off after the computer has, the screen’s backlight comes on, and the glow of it makes my room visible in a very faint way. In this brief illuminated moment, I reach out with my left hand and click the fan at by my footboard on, which has a blue LED on it which sends new light in all directions. With eyesight restored, I click the fan into high mode, which sets off two more LED lights. I take one last look at where I am about to walk in total darkness, and try to remember it when I click the fan’s LEDs off. I walk three steps, reach out with my left hand and touch the top of the metal knob at the end of my footboard, pull my shirt off directly over my head, take one more short step, and remove my pants. Then I sit, facing right, and while still in total darkness, I lay down on my bed. I pull the covers over me with my right hand, and then reach out into the empty space directly across from my pillow, and grab this iPhone to make a blog post. I’ve done this series of things enough times to have created some kind of permanent mark on my brain, which has become accustomed to these nightly actions. I feel almost overjoyed by this revelation. Frankly, being severely bipolar, it’s nothing but a relief to find myself arrived in a routine. Stability is my most precious commodity, and to have it makes me feel like a new person all over again. There have been many times where my emotions or some mental unrest has caused me vacillate between extremes. I have hoped something like this would transpire, and leave an indelibly positive mark on me. I can’t tell you how happy this little pattern makes me feel about all the work I have done up to this point. I just had to come out here and share that feeling. It’s the greatest thing a mercurial fellow such as myself can ever hope for. Goodnight.

Eventful

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So hello again from yet another workday morning. I’ve found it increasingly hard to get rolling first thing in the morning. For whatever reason, I’m hopelessly groggy and have a difficult time getting going. I get more than enough sleep. It seems I’m just not able to pop right up and rock it like I used to. No matter.

I’m going over to my Uncle’s house tonight to watch some Thursday Night Football, as my plans to go help trick-or-treat with the kids got called off due to their early bedtimes and my late shift at work. So scrub that plan, go with this new one.

As for the self check in, I’m doing fine. I have a couple of days left at the office, but will be free for Sunday. Emotionally, I can’t complain. The meds are doing what they’re supposed to, which is to keep my neurochemestry in order. The mental part is up to me. And this new policy of not looking back has helped me cope. There’s a lot of temptation to go back and relive the trauma of my past, or beat myself down over my mistakes. I know in my heart I could have been better to Jax. However, I don’t think I really liked her after I got to know her. I should have just told her that but I’m kind of an idiot when it comes to being introspective about love. I just lose my head in new relationships. Like, detached from my body and rolling some distance away. So a lot of this mess is on me. And there’s nothing left to do with it but learn a hard lesson and go onward.

Part of The Lone Bull Project was to be deeply introspective, and gain a better understanding of the practice of mindfulness. My therapist Margaret is especially proud of how I’ve handled this difficult concept. I find it most useful (oddly enough) when I’m driving. People get so apeshit over being in their little cars, that they endanger themselves and others with reckless behavior. I slow everything down, have a good look at all that’s going on around me, and exercise patience when possible. I let cheaters cut in the offramp line, because they stop in the right lane trying to get in and cars not trying to leave the freeway could easily smash into them. I give people a wide berth, never following close at speed. I am constantly checking my blind spot for tiny cars or motorcycles. It’s dangerous out there, but mindfulness helps me slow everything down. It’s truly awesome.

So have a great day blog. Things are going to be wild and crazy at work for the rest of the way, for sure.

**UPDATE 12:15 pm**

Still a ways to go, and I’ve got actual meetings to attend today. For us new hires. And the band is still yet to come by blasting their tunes. Not sure how they’re even going to fit a whole band in the “so called” large conference room. Exciting. But I’m doing swell and things have been pretty busy. So time goes by. See you later.

**UPDATE 2:00 pm**

So “Wild Party” came and played at our office, and it was rockin’. They even brought a drum set. Right? It’s all pretty insane, and they only played 3 songs, but a welcome distraction. For sure. And now, a new hire meeting for the next two hours. Yarf.

**UPDATE 3:15 pm**

Holy crap that benefits conference call sucked my brain out. But I already know I’m getting the “top of the line” plan because I’m just positive I’ll be using it all the damn time. I want to have frequent therapy, and semi regular psychiatry visits to keep my brain doing what it should. Plus I’ll be enrolling in the 401k as I have every intention to remain at Mood for the long term. I mean, the job isn’t getting harder, my level of understanding being the only thing that will need to grow over time. And a general familiarity with the policies and procedures involved in this job. It’s not like work has been before, either dependent on commission or fluctuating hours. This is as locked in as it gets for me, and the rewards pay out over time. I also get up to 20 paid days off a year, and 2 paid floating holidays. Though I only get 1 this year and I have to use it in December. I know this is truly compelling subject matter. But I’m excited to be in a serious job with great rewards and coverages for all the wrinkles of life. It’s an excellent time, and I’m feeling more stable, safe and secure as time goes by. Thanks for being here too.

The Night Noise

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I’m off work (yay) and doing super. It was a productive day at work, with a few snarly problems to sort through, but nothing I couldn’t handle. And more stuff learned that I did not really know before, but the contents of which would thoroughly bore you and also make no sense out of context. Point being: I had another day where I worked hard, put up good numbers, and had no one screaming at me about this or that. It was a belt-notch day. I indulged and had a terrible lunch, because I woke up late (again) and did not prepare one for myself. I need to go shopping, but will probably put it off until Saturday after work. THAT’S RIGHT, work on Saturday, all overtime. And it’s cake, as we’re just training on new systems we support, and how to fuck with them and get them working when they fail.

I’ve been having some really fun conversations, both here on WordPress, but also with Jacqueline, who usually has some time at work (like I do) to chitter chat about things. We’re trying to arrange a meeting, which would be fun if she came over on Sunday because we could both have fun watching football. YES. And did I mention that I’m 7-1, and in first place in my work fantasy league? Not bad I say. Next nearest guy is 2 games back. The 1 seed is clearly mine to lose.

I’m also glad to report a huge shift in thinking. I’m really not at all interested in going back to my past anymore, I mean, what the hell good is it doing me to dwell on things that will never change? I’m through with this unnecessary suffering nonsense. I’m resolved to improve as a person, and the best way to do that is to get up and move on. And So we will! No more depressing posts about memories and other such useless garbage. The future is nigh!

And on that note, I’m on a roll, and really actually enjoying not living outside my parent’s RV anymore (believe it or not). Even the loss of constant human contact has not been able to phase me. I still get lots of words thrown at me everyday, I have the internet and my little iPhone which manages all my social connections. I’m trying to be active to keep myself from stagnating. It is my hope that this somewhat 4G dependent connectivity is enough to keep me happy.

I’m doing fine though blog, really. I must keep putting one foot in front of the other for many consecutive days. It is on me to be a good steward of my life, and that is precisely what I intend to do.

P.S.

We’re having a live band come to the office tomorrow to blow our minds with some wild rock. I know. What the hell is a live band doing at an office (and a call center at that)? Beats me guys. I just know it’s happening, and we’re all invited. I also know Halloween is going to be a monkey mess, with little kids coming to trick-or-treat. I mean, WHAT? Is this my work, or insane party town?

So this is the end of my productive days and likely the beginning of the circus. Weeeeee!!!

Progression

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I just found out my debt consolidation payments will be lowered to $10 a month which is like: how will it ever get paid off at that rate? I guess they just need you to be actively trying to pay it down, not actually forking over an amount that would make a short-term difference. But I’m excited to get these loans out of default. That will be awesome. I have an unsettling feeling that there may be even more loans out there that I still have to pay, but I’ve heard nothing to give me that indication.

If you read the comments you know that a neat WordPress blogger named Sasha has become a new pal of mine and a friend of the Neurochemically Challenged blog. Hers, Rambling For Clarity is another example of a person being determined to better her life through an introspective journey. I especially admire her 90 day sugar reduction health kick. That is hard to do, for sure. And she’s on day 47 so over the hump. Way to go!

Work is slowing down like it does at the end of the day. I work Saturday for 4 hours of training. Not bad. Fatter check this time around.

But things are going great. I’m out here handling my life like a pro. I can’t complain, and know that I’m applying myself fully to the task of managing my life with efficiency and pride. And I am quite proud of all I’ve done. Thanks for watching, stay tuned for more stuff.

Outlook

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Hello again. I’ve decided to try and do away with the rants of frustration I sometimes find myself posting here. Problem being that ranting about things that bother me do not address the things themselves. I’m all about solving, not complaining. My solution to those feelings of frustration will now look more like an internal release rather than an external excretion.

I used to harp on addressing issues so that they stop becoming a nuisance. But lately I’ve found myself slipping back into a pattern of complaining about things but not resolving the core issue generating it. So I’m going to try an internally let go of my problems as they arise. Giving them life here on the blog is not a good idea. They achieve a status I don’t want them to have, and they aren’t fun to read, and accomplish nothing. So we’re taking the high road on this one. I’m going to need to learn how to tolerate unpleasantness without venting it somewhere. And this seems like a good idea, as I’m going to need to improve all forms of coping skill in order to get through my life. It’s a step I should have made a while ago. It’s hard to make internal decisions like that though, especially when there’s no one around to reflect back at me.

Onward and upward I say. Time to institute a better way of handling the frustrating aspects of life. I can manage that in a healthy and constructive way. I may falter, but at least the blog will henceforth be free of needless ranting. I will still need to talk about my down times, but I don’t need to be barfing my woes to you on a regular basis. Wish me luck.

Wild World – Cat Stevens

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Now that I’ve lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it’s breakin’ my heart you’re leavin’
Baby, I’m grievin’
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do
And it’s breakin’ my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don’t be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware

Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware

Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl

Agenda

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

I never really thought I’d come to lean on this blog the way I am. In my bland little life, this place has remained my solace, a historical document that transcends its original intent. I thought: “well, I’ll make a post every once and a while and try and keep up with it.” But what I did not know is how important writing out my thoughts was going to become in my mental health journey. When no one is around to hear me, I still have a chance to express myself (however flawed, delusional or otherwise off-base) without inhibition. This process, and my commitment to being honest, have been an unforeseen aid in a deep and perturbing history of doing battle with my mental illness. I have tried (and failed) to be honest with you, and I continue to pursue that goal. What good is this place as a therapeutic tool if I don’t at least try to be real with myself? I gain nothing by puffing myself up on lies. Lately, I’ve escalated the use of this blog as a live streaming literary documentary encapsulating my demise, and subsequent reconstruction from the rubble of my former reality. I’ve worked SO VERY HARD, and have real tangible rewards in (namely) freedom. I’m going to continue using this place to help me through this new chapter in my life, of which I am very proud. I don’t have an easy road, but it’s mine and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

500+ followers over the last few years says a lot. I’m clearly not full of shit or otherwise hoping you’ll participate in my delusion. My life can be hard, unrelenting, ugly, even. But I own it, every mercurial step of it. So from the bottom of my cold, dead heart, I thank you all for choosing to be here with me. I’ve got nothing to give you but my insane, unfiltered life. I guess it must be worth watching. You keep following, more and more as the days go by.

Thanks again. And be well, travelers.

Hours

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Spinning fingers fly
The canvas of unfurling time
Who’s artistic touch–
Bends the world, breaking
A sickness, run deep in the mind
Uncured by lies
Regarded yet despised
The shadow of her past still lingers
Progress stopped in hate
Hours, days dwelling
Incumbent of pain
A moment is passing slowly
Haste, lost its way
Pages, falling scrambled
Words crumbling
Memories burn in the din
Simple seconds go by
The chapter being done.

Promised a new sunrise
Saying goodbye to unforgiving night
Transition beckoning
A day, a lifetime of regret–
Pressing the iron of years
Futilely struggling
Passively prevailing
Another way is chosen
And on it goes

Temper

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

I don’t think I want to rant about old stuff. The past is gone and means nothing for the future. I’m happier now than I have been in many years, and I’ve made huge strides in being (by my own evaluation) a better person. The past is dead. The future is now, and I’m glad for where my life has brought me. Everything, even pain, is a learning experience. And I’ve done a lot of learning.

So I’m sorry about that rant, if you happened to see it before I took it down. There’s no reason to reiterate the obvious. My life is mine to live, and no one stands between me and my future. I hope your day takes a positive upturn, as mine has. Be well travelers.

**UPDATE 1:00 pm**

Thanks for putting up with my temper. I really have no cause to feel cross. I’m trying me best to be introspective, but sometimes I dig up unpleasant stuff and that can be not fun. In truth, I’m doing fine. I have a lot of genuinely great things going for me, and I can’t be thankful enough for the life I have been given. It’s been nearly 10 years since I felt do situated and in control of my destiny. All I have to do here is continue to apply myself and I will surely go far. I appreciate your positive responses. Thanks.

As a side note: I’m especially proud of my willpower. I’m choosing not to spiral down into poor eating habits. No junk food, no sugar, no bad stuff. All around me at work people eat fast food and candy all day long, and I usually eat my mayo-less sandwich in my truck alone. It’s alright. I’d much rather be healthy then deal with the long-term consequences of eating poorly. But surrounding me is temptation, that I have been able to challenge myself to resist. I stopped marijuana, sugar and alcohol. I’m on the path towards a better state, and I thank you for coming along with me. Have a super day.

**UPDATE 3:00 pm**

I have a headache right now. Trying to drown it in coffee but that isn’t working. I really should go shopping today but I don’t think I’m going to. I didn’t plan well today and ended up with no lunch. I have no excuses, just not doing enough to get my show together. I could have gone out for a sandwich at lunchtime but meh. It’s pretty boring in my world. I don’t need all the shiny parts of life to keep me going. I can live on a bare minimum of nourishment and don’t have a need for constant entertainment. But that’s always been my MO. I’m a thinker and a dreamer, and I procure my own imaginative wanderings to pass the time. I’m happier not being a sheep amidst the flock. It solidifies my solidarity, but that’s fine by me. Others are a liability. And an unnecessary risk. Things are moving right along. Can’t complain. Be well.

**UPDATE 4:15 pm**

So dead around here. I’m getting like one call every 20 minutes. I keep thinking about my past, my regrets. But then I wonder what the hell good that does me. I don’t benefit from wishing something that did happen, shouldn’t have. I guess things are going so well for me that I’m scared like something terrible may come along and derail my party train. Jacqueline is supposed to come over this week, and I’ve been getting a lot of attention from my friends, who call to check in on me. I’m feeling the love blog. I should continue doing this, my life, much in the way I have been, which had spurned my most recent streak of unprecedented success. I’m happy inside blog. I talk to myself over the weekends and laugh at my own jokes. It’s not pathetic, I think, but endearing. I’m a big fan of who I am, and I don’t need anyone’s approval to go on being myself. I have been listening to the Pointer Sisters this last few days. Because “Neutron Dance” has been my secret theme song. I’m done updating this post for today. Bai.

It Begins Anew

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It’s Monday morning and I’m about ready to walk into work. It was a nice weekend, not too hectic, not too boring. I got over the emotional wear and tear of the week pretty fast, and feel very well rested and content. That dream I had last night was so insane I had to stop everything and write about it. I guess my very fiction-oriented mind can create multiple tangents of strange logic and twisted storytelling for me to follow. I’ve had vivid dreams like that before. Sometimes I feel like I glimpse the core of some distant truth in those nightly adventures, but having no way to substantiate my dreams, I tend to just let them go.

I have a positive outlook on my week. I’m in a good frame of mind to (no doubt) be posed new challenges both mental and emotional. Also, I get to go shopping for myself sometime this week, though it’s really only breakfast and lunch stuff I need. I have a massive amount of frozen meat to go through before I’m officially “out” of things to eat. My healthy living log should come in handy when the time comes. Probably after work sometime this week.

I hope you had a nice weekend. I went 2-0 in my fantasy football leagues this week, bumping my work record to 7-1 and pulling myself back up to .500 in the family league at 4-4. I’m currently the 4th seed if the playoffs started today. Next week I might be getting A.J. Green back which would be a huge boost to my potential. And Megatron will be back for weeks 10-17, just in time for the postseason push. I know the World Series is happening but I could really care less about baseball. It’s a one-dimensional sport, and not nearly as exciting as the NFL.

I hope you all have a good week as well. I’m bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready for calamity to strike me back into humility. Yorf.

**UPDATE 3:40 pm**

What a zooming day. I’m already here? Really? I feel like I just got here. I’ve been highly productive today. I published more tasks to Oracle than I ever have before in one sitting, and I did it all right. As far as I can tell. Hope your day doesn’t make your head spin off its axis. Bai.

The Flight Of The Navigator

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I’ve had the most amazing dream. At first there were four of us, and we were all friends somehow before the visitors made their first appearance. I think maybe we were never intended to know the truth. Aliens from another world, another time saw us though. We felt them. But time passed after the first encounter. I tried to convince Jax that we had to do everything we could to get back to them. We had to pack up our lives and go back to find them at whatever cost. One of the original four was devious and a cheat, and he wanted to exploit as his primary objective, so they shut off his kidneys and let his body die. Jax fought with me, said I was ruining our life, and she yelled that she hated me. A literal chasm developed in the floor of our bedroom, and I took what I needed and fled to the woods. She came looking for me, but only to get more angry with me. She killed herself instead of coming with me to find answers.

So there were only three of us, and we worked together in a high security facility somehow connected to the first encounter. We used our access to gather clues. I was determined to face the visitors again. And on that final night, we executed our plan to go back to the rendezvous point. And the authorities were closing in, knowing too late what we were up to. They were waiting for us. And just before we were captured, they took us with them in their silver spaceship.

I get the feeling this being had taken a liking to us, and interactions between us and the visitors were hallucinated scenes, sometimes another traveler in an recognizable barren desert, sometimes just a voice or strange objects which seemed to defy reason. Like glass that melts in your hand like water. Or vials filled with fluid with strange words printed on them. But we all were onboard their ship traveling to who knows where. There was difficulty, since the gulf of understanding between our two beings was so vast, we got the feeling that we would never be able to directly interface with our hosts. Time has no meaning to them. They can move into any parallel reality, on a whim.

The alien who had taken the three of us had then been ordered to put us back. So they dropped us into an ideal reality, one where we would want for nothing. But I couldn’t stay there, not after having touched the edge of understanding. I questioned that reality they put me in. I begged to be taken back. We all did. Our minds were open now, and we didn’t belong back in a closed world. I saw my friends again back on the silver spaceship. We talked some about what we had each seen. Then they began to age before my eyes, their bodies were moving in an out of time and space. I watched them blend into one being, who I knew then to be our host, and I finally had my chance to ask him questions. It was clear we could not be put back on Earth. We didn’t belong there anymore. Something about seeing these aliens had changed us forever. There was only the vast unknown of the universe stretching out before us. And we were all going out into that vast unknown together. With a benevolent guide who was just as fascinated by us as we were by him. We headed out into the stars, together.

My dream ended there.

Saying Hello

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My parents are on the road for the next 3 weeks as they cruise around Northern California, eventually landing in Sacramento around thanksgiving. I called them to find they had made it to my old stomping grounds of Carpinteria, where I used to work for the Boys & Girls Club. Fun coincidences, though I don’t have a lot of great memories from that part of California.

Today was a scoring avalanche across the NFL. I had 4 players go over 30 fantasy points, which is pretty uncommon. Nothing has been decided yet, but I’ll know where I stand by the end of Sunday Night Football.

So I went to my cousin’s daughter’s first birthday. It was basically a ton of people I didn’t know all standing around talking while I watched my fantasy numbers come in. I stayed for most of it, but I got to not feeling well and bailed before presents got opened. Not that Dylan would have opened them anyway. Or has any idea what’s going on. But I’m happy for them. It’s just not my scene, and everyone there is either married, with someone, or has a family. I don’t really have much in common with them, and I usually end up not having much to say. I’m not big on giant unfamiliar crowds where everyone knows each other and I know like 2 people. Sigh. But I basically did as much as I felt I could in light of my disposition.

Emotionally I’m doing fine. I was off to a rocky start at the beginning of the weekend. Like Friday night I was feeling pretty mixed up. I was needing a break from the work grind, and I got it, and now I’m doing fine. I’m still trying to figure out my drowsiness coping mechanisms but I think I’m getting on top of it. I’ve had a lot of coffee today. But I was also up at 4:45 am or so. So that’s going to stretch me pretty thin on the energy levels thingie. Not much negative stuff to report, like I said.

So I hope you all have a good night. I’m doing just super. A little tired, but you know how that goes.

**UPDATE 7:00 pm**

I’m in snuggy town. Feeling like sleep is sneaking up behind my eyes, inching closer to realization. I’m glad to be going back to work tomorrow. I really do like my job, and it’s not about to get any more complicated than it already is. I mean, next weekend I actually have to go in for training. And the weekend schedule has come out, and I will pick up 3 extra shifts over the next two months. Overtime baby. All of it over my 40 per week, so I’m jazzed to be bringing home fatter checks as a result. Just thought I’d pop by here one last time before bed. Ni night.

#693

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It’s been way too long since I had a mental health check-in. I used to do this every 5 – 10 posts or so, but being in much better states has led me to not check-in nearly as often. This will be the first in over 100 posts. I’m being very analytically serious. I don’t mask what I’m feeling. I don’t conceal my state behind a veil. I’m out there in the open. It’s what these check-ins are good for: it marks the progress I’ve made on my mental health journey.

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = serious problem, 10 = not a problem), rate the following:

Emotional Health:                             6

Physical Depression Symptoms:     6

Physical Anxiety Symptoms:           10

Racing Thoughts:                              9

Depressed Thoughts:                        8

Self-Esteem:                                       9

Concentration:                                   8

Enthusiasm:                                       7

Charisma:                                           10

Motivation:                                        9

Paranoia / Fear / Anxiety:             10

Outlook / Hope:                              9

OVERALL:                                   8/10

CASE NOTES: I’ve been dealing with some emotional instability of late, and perhaps in large part due to circumstantial external factors. My personality is still strong along with my confidence. Where I lose points are in areas where my sorrow or painful memories become triggered. This is somewhat natural, however, considering the rapid change in lifestyle I have been through. There are very real causes to my downward turns, and most of which will be due to lower energy reserves as work may or may not weigh on me. Some weeks I seem to do fine, where in others I struggle. None of this points to a problem, as the 8.4 average rating is still quite good.

Things On My Brain

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This was just what I needed today: a good uninterrupted block of relaxation time. I think the Geodon drowsiness can be countered with caffeine in timed doses. Too much and the whole thing goes the other way back into sleepiness again.

So I have been thinking about time, and how much of it has passed and how things have changed. From March 3rd 2014 (the day I attempted suicide) to Saturday October 25th, 237 days have passed. Here are some of the events that took place during that time:
On April 4th (day 33) I moved out of my apartment in La Mesa and started living in a shelter surrounding the awning of my parent’s RV.
On May 20th (day 79) I filed my divorce.
On July 23rd (day 143) I was hired as a temp to work at Mood Media.
On October 4th (day 216) I moved in to my own apartment.
On October 20th (day 232) I got a pay increase which will guarantee my independence and financial stability for the foreseeable future.

It’s taken a while, but there is no doubt I’ve come a long way from that lowest of low points. I literally had nothing, not even walls, a roof or a bed. I stayed true to the goal of rebuilding; to not let failure be the thing that would dictate my life. I will not be defined by my mistakes. I will learn from them, gather up what’s left, and move forward. I have not taken steps backward, I have gained ground each and every day. And I will continue to do so.

In that time, I went to every psychologist and psychiatrist appointment, went to groups 3 times a week until I got a full time job, and I never stopped writing.

I hope this place continues to be a very real and accurate record keeper for the ongoing project that is rebuilding my life. Thanks for being here while it all happened. I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have you.

Cat Napper

by in Mental Illness, PC Games & Theories, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve never really tried just having a sleep in the middle of the day, because I have had a hard time doing much afterward. Considering my responsibilities are all done for today, I can pretty much just relax and do whatever I want. Sounds good?

I was right about just needing to go to bed yesterday to get the badness out of my brain. It’s gone now, and I’m thoroughly enjoying this football eve. My day has been uneventful. I finished act 2 and am about a third of the way through act 3 in Diablo II. The last thing I did was to give Ormus the Gidbinn and receive a substandard rare magic ring. I am still looking for the Flayer Jungle waypoint and my character is about to be level 30. But I find I’m being abused by the ranged (blowgun) flayers and have to full rejuvenation potion myself a couple times when I get into a swarm of them. I’m also keeping my rogue scout archer (ranged) and I keep her gear updated. I’m an Assassin (melee) and do not like chasing after stupid flayers when they run away like they do. And the fire breathing shaman flayer stack hurts me bad. But in PDM, I get access to Phoenix Strike and the third charge releases a big blast of cold which will stop those pesky flayers dead in their tracks. Ah, good times.

But besides all that tomfoolery, I’m having a great day. I have been in bed writing this blog post, but now that it comes to it I may not nap after all. I need to be up by 6:00 am tomorrow to find out if Megatron will suit up for the Detroit Lions, as they meet the Atlanta Falcons in Wembly Stadium, London. That’s a 6:30 am pacific time kickoff, for a back to back to back to back Sunday of NFL games. Yeah buddy.

So it’s going good. I’m still drinking coffee, and I kinda feel like I might have to keep doing it. The only thing that cuts down the terrible morning Geodon drowsiness is coffee, and when used in moderation, still has an awakening effect. My problem was that I was drinking a truly excessive amount of it daily, including the rancid sludge they are so quick to procure at work. Barf. But if I time it right and make my coffee after I’ve taken the Geodon, I get into a normal offset of symptoms. So I know I said I was going to stop with the coffee, and I don’t mean to go back on what I said, but you see my predicament. Not taking the Geodon with food lowers its effectiveness by 90%. I can’t have that. And I wasn’t getting drowsy because the medication was not being processed at all. I will still not be drinking alcohol at all, as there is no benefit whatsoever to it. And pot I will never do on my own or have any on hand in my house. It’s not practical and not needed.

I hope your Saturday is going well. See you later.

**UPDATE 4:30 pm**

No nap after all. I just watched some tv and played a little more Diablo II. I think I’m doing great. I reached out to my friend Jacqueline (not my ex), and we’re going to have a dinner at my place sometime next week (when she’s done being sick). She just came back from a vacation in South America, which has a face value of being exciting. I don’t think travel really “does it” for me. I tend to stick to traveling to places where I know the rock collecting is good.

Believe it or not though, I crawled back into bed and am now in a sort of limbo: impossibly early for bed, too late to cat nap. I’d fall asleep and wake up at about 1:00 am and be wondering why I did this to myself. Tomorrow at 12:00 pm I’m going to my cousin’s daughter’s birthday, her first. My parents gave me a present to bring to them, so I am going just right over the hill to La Mesa (on the way to where I used to work) for an afternoon of fun. Football will be on, and my fantasy team better put up a decent amount of points this week. My playoff chances in the family league are dwindling with unimpressive performances for the last 3 Sundays. Boo.

So hi. I’m having a good time not doing much. I think I am looking forward to getting back to work a little bit. To be honest, the time off is a bit uneventful because I don’t really have plans to do much. I’m not out rock collecting my myself. That could be a disaster if I were to get hurt out there and have no one to help me. I had invited Joseph over but he kinda ignored me, so I won’t be asking him again. My family is always available for stuff, but at least for the time being, I kinda like not having anyone else around. I can patrol the house in my underwear, I can pee with the door open, I can decide to lay down at any time and no one will judge me for it. I don’t have anyone’s standards to meet but my own.

So happy Saturday to you, in doing what brings you respite.

Polarity Personal

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m a creature of change, rarely abiding the static, emphasizing progress. I guess part of me is always looking for answers, but I’m not sure at all what I’m seeking. Maybe I can never settle, and am bound to a life of constant change? I don’t think the world operates in polar opposites (even if my mood does).

I have a lot of questions on my brain, clearly. I’m doing my laundry and listening to my awesome mega shuffle of hits. I owe you all an October album as well, which I have some ideas about already. I suppose I’m doing fine, all things considered. I have some bad feelings in me still, and a lot of it is totally unnecessary worry over things I can’t control.

I will be more proactive about reaching out for friendships. I have a way of totally isolating myself if left to my own devices. I don’t want to fall back into that again. So this weekend I’ve got guests coming over and parties to go to. I’m working on not turning into mole man.

So have a good Saturday. I’m going to be busy in a good way this day.

End

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I’m pretty pooped this evening. It’s been a tough week, and I’m having a very hard time reminding myself about the good things in my life. Right now I feel like nothing I do amounts to anything and I might as well just give up. I don’t like to be this way.

Sadly I think I just take things too seriously sometimes, and don’t rush to forgive myself for mistakes. I am under the weight of punishment and not able to come up for air. I don’t really deserve this disposition. So: I’ve crawled into my bed and I’m going to end this mood with sleep. When I wake up tomorrow, I will feel refreshed and invigorated.

Blog. I know that I have made awesome progress in my life. I know that what I do is important and worthwhile. I also am aware of the multi-faceted person I am, and sometimes I just get in a bad way. I think it’s fair to say that bad temperaments happen to everyone. Mine are a little different, because I have this voice in my mind telling me I should hurt myself because I’m a complete fuck up in my own life. It doesn’t need any evidence to justify its demands, it just hates me, and it makes me think I should hate myself too. I have a hard time defending myself against this voice (who has a distinctive presence that is not a part of my normal internal discourse). He seems to get stronger as I face challenges, and he is constantly berating me with accusations, sad memories, reflections on things I have done wrong, and other such mental weaponry. It’s a side of myself I both accept and detest, because he is the one who gets me to try and kill myself (which has happened 3 times to date).

I can’t ignore it. It affects my mood, my attitude, my actions, everything. There is no escaping it. It is always in my mind, nestled deep down in the fabric of my consciousness. Sometimes I can’t see past his words, and I get down, like today. Everyone around me is blind to my suffering, and I would never reveal my struggle regardless. Except to you. Out here where my words get a chance to be free of my mind, my thoughts gain permanence and are given existence someplace other than in my head. This grants me serenity and is the only way I have so far discovered to deal with the acute sadness and depression. These are the early warning signs that if things were to continue unchanged, I would listen to the voice and it would try to destroy me.

There’s nothing quite like knowing your enemy, the one who will never stop hating you, is stuck inside my brain and will never come out. His goal is for me to die, and he won’t stop until that happens. I have been learning how to manage this struggle without letting him win, but on a late Friday at the end of an exhausting week, he has formidable traction.

Blog. I’m going to be ok, right? The voice does not win, I win. I am the decider of my life, and I decide to fight. The battle is hard when supply lines have been cut for days and all my troops are starving or have dysentery. I know things will get better. I just need some rest.

Tired

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

I stayed up way too late last night. I went to my uncle’s house and had a couple hits and that made me all energized the rest of the night. It was not a good decision, as I find my weekdays are usually pretty exhausting. I should have exercised caution and I didn’t. My parents are officially out of town now. They left this morning to go on a Northern California adventure to go up the coast and see my sister in Sacramento. I didn’t have a good mood last night. The Chargers got humiliated on national tv, Phillip looked like a rookie, we were outplayed in all aspects of the game, and it was generally no fun to watch. And I had a shitty day at work before all that. Busy day, and AMS had to coach me on how to appropriately tell people to do their jobs. Because being straightforward is not good, and putting a pretty pink bow on a bad situation is now mandatory. I feel like I’m fucking things up and I don’t like that feeling. Like when they talk about me over in Austin, it’s with resentment. Like THAT guy is more trouble than he’s worth. I guess I feel like I should be doing better, and I’m not. I don’t want to get fired, even though I know that such punishment is far from being mentioned. They’re glad I take so many calls, not upset about how some of them go. I should be ok though, but I’m just a little stressed out. I will be fine though. This morning I’m trying to get my rent out of the bank and even that seems to be going wrong. Sigh. But what can you do? Besides be late for work, which it’s looking like I will be unless something changes. What a series of hours this has been. At least it’s Friday, right?

**UPDATE 11:45 am**

I made it to work with 1 minute to spare. Phew. And I’ve broken my promise about stopping coffee. Today I needed the lift, and it has given me just that (so I can be effective and not mired in fatigue). So I will stop again as soon as I run out of it at home, which I thought had happened last week, but my parents bought me a bag of it on their way out of town yesterday. So I’m not going to throw it out. I will just have to postpone my coffee-free life for a while. But I will still do it. As when it comes to my money, I won’t be spending it on more coffee.

**UPDATE 3:30 pm**

Day is moving right along. I can’t say I’m pleased with the work ethic of my coworkers. Joseph just decided not to take billing calls anymore and removed himself from the queue. Without telling anyone, or asking a supervisor. That’s just fucking lazy and stupid. The delinquent crowd spends most of its time laughing about dumb things or rolling over after break time is over to red cup so they don’t have to take calls. Or just ignoring them, or answering the phone while still laughing about something. Unprofessional. And they put people on mute to make fun of them WHILE still on the phone with said customer. Just bad. And it will blow up in their face eventually. They won’t draw the line between work and giggle time.

But I’m doing fine. Collections still ignored my call until I landed on a supervisor (and it seems they can’t ignore me). But whatever. I’m doing my job, and that’s all I really should be concerned with. Hope you have a good Friday. Seems like Angi forgot about dinner plans tonight. I’m kinda bummed about being forgotten. But what can you do?

**UPDATE 5:00 pm**
Feeling the drowsiness of not having had enough sleep squishing me down. I’m avoiding the raunchy work coffee, so fatigue is uninhibited. But we’re coming up on the home stretch. Not too much more day to go until freedom. And rest. Angi didn’t forget about me, but I’m not in a social place at all. I’m not happy. I’m tired and frustrated with my depleted energy levels. I’ve had a tough week. A harder than usual week. The robo call from our billing department had caused a huge influx of angry people to call and berate us. And sometimes me. So I’m going to try and salvage my night by playing some Diablo II and going to bed early. It’s better that I be a grump all on my own.

The Time Capsule

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Permanently attached to the menu of my blog is a very neat little document. It’s about as old as any sequence of words I have come to create. It began 16 years ago when I was much, much different. It was originally a WordPerfect document, was then converted to a .doc file, and has been preserved ever since. It’s survived dozens of computer transfers, dead hard drives, and has prevailed in the test of time. I took the contents of that file and posted it in the blog. Since this file began, I have promised to follow the rule: whenever you find it for the first time in a long time, add an entry, and see how many times You can do that. And so it has endured to this day. Ultimately, It is a testament to the kind of person I am. I have had so many changes in my life, and all those names are a kaleidoscope of my transitioning identity. I am a person in flux. A mentally ill male who has this record keeper to put my disorder into perspective: a lifelong story detailing more than half of my reality as a fractured, changing, evolving individual. I know to you this document doesn’t have any of the memory of having kept it for so long that I possess. I KNOW I didn’t just create those words in 2012 (when the blog was started) like it would seem to you. I remember a time when it was down to being on 2 flash drives. It came so close to being totally erased on several occasions. There’s no way I can convince you of the truth. I have no way to prove it. Other than to hope that after making THIS FAR down the post you would probably think I was being straight with you. I stand to gain nothing by deceiving. And besides, you can tell by my enthusiasm that I’m proud I’ve had it for so long. It’s really quite amazing. It’s not much, but it has been with me through it all, and there are very few things in my world that can say that.

Partners

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Not that I’m “in the market” for one of these, but for my own reasons, I’ve decided to articulate my lofty expectations if there were ever to be one. Why? And not certainly because I deserve anyone like this (nor would this fantastic person EVER want to be in a relationship with me). It’s not about articulating a reality, it’s about expressing the things I have learned I will need in order to ever do it again. This slim chance is still a chance, and anything is totally possible… but it would take a set of extreme circumstances to unfold and become realized. I have a list. And believe me, I practice what I preach:

1. Be mindful. The greatest gift you have is being aware, and being able to reflect on yourself. Your mindfulness keeps you from rushing to judgement, and keeps us from escalating our disconnects into fights. You are observant and respectful of your feelings, and you articulate them precisely, and without context, so that I too can see what you’re feeling, and respond appropriately.

2. You’re realistic, with your head firmly in this reality. You don’t expect lofty dreams to come true without a great sum of labor. You are a practical thinker, with your mind defaulting to a more thought-out less rambunctious mentality. Your actions are accordingly predictable, and you find joy in stability and consistency.

3. You are aware of the value of trust, and respect. These two things typify your interactions with others, and you seek to build these two elements in all relationships that have value in your life. You don’t condescend, you corroborate. Working with you is being on a team with an equal, and you both deserve and dispense these two virtues.

4. You are intelligent, and more importantly, curious. Your ambition is only rivaled by your love of knowledge; the pursuit of understanding. You are not satisfied with common beliefs, and seek a personal truth to your existence. Your qualities are emphasized by your observational, rational mentality. As a result, your keen understanding of your world reflects in the thought-out actions you take. Your mind is never sated, you pursue answers regardless of the difficulty in understanding them.

5. You are trustworthy, not a cheat, or a liar, and you detest these things as they have no place in or near your moral compass. You have a good heart, and it is not in your nature to deceive, as this brings you guilt, not satisfaction. You are, rightfully, appalled by most people and consider yourself apart from them in most all aspects of how you conduct yourself through the world.

6. You understand the value and commitment of love. To you, love is a sacred bond between two people that is not at stake in every fight, and not a bargaining chip. You respect love as the core expression of both appreciation and desire, and you are aware that without maintenance, love will grow cold and become dormant. Love is not passion and it is certainly not driven by lust or attraction. Love is a compromise of the soul, a merging of essences, a mutual prerogative. Love is not to be created in haste, and takes an act of deliberate treason to abolish. Love is made stronger by openness, trust and grows with respect and patience.

7. You know who you are, and you are proud of that person. Your opinions may not matter to anyone else, but because they are yours, they are the most precious of all. You respect your mind and your body. You do not wish ill upon yourself, even though you sometimes doubt, the core of who you are is never in jeopardy of being forgotten. You know yourself, and you aspire to be the best “you” you can be.

If you’re out there, I’d sure like to hear from you. It’s only 7 virtues long, but you would be the only person I’m still looking for in this world. I don’t expect to find you, mostly because it’s hopeless to look, and I have nothing to offer you in return that would compare to the sort of person you would have to be. But a boy can dream.

Hanging On

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I had a constructive session with Margaret today. She called me “one of my shining star clients,” which I was flattered by. We talked a lot about my other therapist Robert, who I liked but was not very honest with about my marriage. I had started seeing him before I even got together with Jax and I slowly deteriorated on his watch. Now, we must remember that I was misconstruing the truth that things were in a bad way. I was hurting myself and spiraling down. Not good. But he never knew because I never told him the truth. A truth I would have been unable to see anyway, as I was right in it, and had no perspective. I can’t address the problem if I won’t even acknowledge that there is one. Right?

So we went over my downfall, hospitalization, and slow recovery from that point. I started working with Margaret shortly thereafter, and things have been slowly climbing back up the slope. I just had SO FAR to go from that starting point. I was determined though, and clearly that has paid off. I’m in a better way than I have been in years.

So the client plan is done, but I have to go back tomorrow because I forgot to sign it. No big deal. Extra 15 minute car ride. Today has felt fast, but I know it’s actually slow. I’m so glad I’m not in a relationship with Jax anymore. I had a chance today to remember all the bullshit she used to pull. Like ignoring my opinions when it ran up against something she wanted. Or the constant delinquency of attention and the complacency with things like her health and mental illness. I have since realized that I was more like a parent than a partner, always trying to bring her ridiculous fantasies about stupid shit back down to earth. The girl just had no idea about what was really important. Things like motorcycles, piercings and more tattoos were a priority. Sigh. Well, at least I know now that I’m far more practical and less outrageous than most people. I’m concerned with really fundamental issues, not insane random dreams or inclinations.

I’m genuinely happy to be on my own. I make the rules, and I have only myself to blame if things were to go poorly. I vastly prefer it that way. She was never really onboard with what it meant to be married. And grown up. I still think she probably wants to be someone’s boss, like I was in our relationship. Like I tried to be until she would rebel and disagree with me. Ah yes, good times when I was utterly ignored or not taken seriously.

So a lot of stuff came up with Margaret. But all in all, it only reassured me that what I was doing was right for me. And that was a good affirmation of my actions thus far. I hope your day is as thought-provoking as mine has been. Take care.

**UPDATE 3:50 pm**

Dinner is cancelled due to Angi’s popularity. Just too busy today. So I’m going to have yet another quiet night. I appreciate this blog being a receptacle for my conflicted feelings. More often than before, I try to express them and give them life beyond being just a thought in my head. This takes them from irrelevancy to permanence, and after, they don’t hang on me as much. But I still have upwellings. I’m just learning that expression is a fantastic way to cope.

Talk It Out

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I’m about to head in for therapy. Though it’s not likely to be an exfoliating session, but rather, my annual review with an intern present for training. Not that I mind any of that. It’s just going to be a “business” rather than “personal” session. But weeks overdue, so it’s about time we got to it.

Other than that, I’m not on any coffee, and I’m also conducting an experiment to see if my drowsiness because of the Geodon is linked to eating food with it. So far, I seem to be ok. But we won’t know anything until about 9:45 once I’m at my desk and trying to concentrate. Lately, focus has been a huge problem because of the fatigue. I was even fearful I had been so out of it that I may have messed up an order because I couldn’t keep track of what step I was on. Hopefully it’s the food that’s causing the drowsiness to take hold, and if I stay away from it first thing in the morning, I’ll be fine. Test in progress.

Other than that, I’m doing fine. No crazy feelings that I can’t control, no moments of collapse to speak of. My dinner with Angi might be postponed until Friday as she has plans already for Wednesday. But that’s probably for the best, as I don’t want to be strung out all day from having to get up and go around 6 this morning.

Have a good day out there. I know I will, regardless of what happens.

**UPDATE 10:15 am**

Not drowsy at all. This is great news. I have to stay away from food in the morning. Done deal. I’m back.

**UPDATE 12:00 pm**

Still going strong, but I did break my no coffee rule for today. But I do vow to stay strong there. I’m not buying any for my house, and since the coffee at work is just so foul, I have little motivation to deviate. I’ve been getting some just some silly slash stupid calls today. Moving on.

The Need Driven Action?

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I’m having a bit of a mental debate: what constitutes a good decision, if we can truly see no farther than what is directly ahead? I think back on mistakes I have made, and I wonder about why I made them. So many critical, time-sensitive factors come into play at these junction points. But I clearly didn’t comprehend more than the immediate, and later perished under the strain of badness come to light at delayed intervals. Is this a common problem? Because now I think I’ve gone radically conservative to prevent such decisions from even being on the table. Why burden myself when this whole line of thinking can be avoided?

I’m not saying apprehension has become my way of life, but I am trying to think about my decisions a lot more. Albeit, I haven’t made any risky ventures which would put any portion of my reality up for grabs. This presents me with an unwavering routine (a concept I have failed to follow at every turn up to this point), that I must adhere to or perish. My life depends on my consistency. So preserving life should be my ultimate goal.

Either way I look at the prospect, I don’t see how I can avoid making terrible mistakes if I don’t have the hindsight of knowing what compendium of variables exist attached to the event. Why am I even frustrating myself trying to? I’m resigned to caution. But how will I ever “spice up” my meager existence without risk?

Absolution

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Poor Marco looks like he let his emotions take control or something, because now he’s not at work anymore. I knew he was pissed about the whole thing, but I didn’t know he would get kicked out of the office for it. Though this is only speculation based on his absence from the queues today. He was here briefly, then he was gone.

I’m struggling through my morning drowsiness. But moving past it now. I was hurting earlier and ate my lunch to get my energy back up. Seems to have worked.

I’ll be checking in periodically as this day has slowed to a crawl already. With loads more time to go.

**UPDATE 3:00 pm**

The queues are sorta slowing down. But not staggeringly slow. I haven’t heard back about my I-9, which I assume is a good thing. Today has 3 hours left to it, and my day will be slow. I usually see a pickup in billing calls because the people in Austin go home and the late night billing calls go straight to us.

It’s going to be a good day. I’m having no trouble with my feelings and generally keeping my head down. feel positive about the steps I’ve been taking in my independent life. Ever do I realize the hard work I put in to get here. And let’s not forget all the fantastic people who helped me. Never forget. But things are slowing down. Conversation getting a bit too off topic for my liking. Up to a pitiful 19 calls handled on the day. I’ll be lucky if I get above 25 today. Slow day. But I’m doing my job at a high level, and boy it has certainly been a while since I had an order kicked back at me. Not even a so-called “coaching” email that I actually deserved. I’ve been on a roll.

I’m packed this week. And I actually invited Joseph over for football this weekend, but I have a feeling he’ll turn me down. I’m just not cool enough for them guys would be my guess. I’m going to have fun regardless. Goodbye for now friends.

**UPDATE 5:30 pm**

Almost to the end. Just me and Gabriel the whole rest of the way. Jason being out today. But we’ve got this. It’s been a day blog, both good and somehow not busy enough. People like to just fuck around and are even sometimes informal when they answer the phone mid-laugh. Don’t like that.

But I don’t get it my way most of the time. Just too many “cool kids” out there. Hangin’. So I’ll see you probably tonight.

Tuesday Action Check-In

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Hey. I’m moving right along this morning. I feel like I have more time than I want to have before work, and not enough after it’s over. But this is my schedule, and it also affords me a less-stressful working environment, which I am glad for. I wonder if the guys who sit around me try as hard as I do. I somehow think that with time and familiarity comes complacency. Like they’re so good at the job they hardly even have to try. It’s speculation, albeit. I don’t really have much to go on, as I don’t ask questions that would cause me to dig at the truth.

I was pleased that someone other than me threw one of the delinquent employees under the bus where he belongs. Dominique is a fucking idiot, and on top of that character quality, he just plain doesn’t do his job. Poor Marco had an overnight shipment land on his plate and had to do it all by himself because Dom had only just started the order, then just left for the day. The order would never have shipped, and the customer would have been irate if what Dom promised him he’d do never actually got done. If I had an order that I didn’t finish, it would bother me every second of the day until I got it finished, booked and shipped. I wouldn’t be able to just get up and leave. I have a conscience. I would know that I was failing at my duty. Dom is a fucking moron, and he doesn’t have that problem.

Today I intend to kick a lot of ass, and take names as I go. Or I could go Duke Nukem and say that I’m here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I’m all out of gum.

Tomorrow I go in for therapy. And that night Angi is coming over for dinner. Then the next night, my parents are having a party at my uncle’s house as my parental convoy will be headed north on Friday morning. They’re going up the coast to Sacramento to see my sister. So I really will be totally alone.

But I always have you. And I can get all my frustration out, while also sharing the finer points of existence with you. Seems like a good deal.

**UPDATE 9:00 am**

I’m going to eat some Skittles. Haven’t done that at work since I was a VAO at the San Diego Zoo (at that time, I essentially lived off them). Not exactly what I am planning, but I did just turn in my completed I-9 to HR so I can be an official employee and whatnot. I knew I needed some time to make all the copies and send the completed form as an email attachment. So that’s done. Now all I’m waiting on is for the management staff to fix the confidentiality statement so I can fill out the e-form online. It’s currently broken, as discovered by me.

So I’m going to punch my time card in a little under 30 minutes. I hope Marco has a better day today. Dom is up to his usual loud-mouthery and laughing in that stupid way hacks. Sigh. At least Kevin is out of there. Good riddance. I couldn’t understand half of what that guy said. Truly failed at language.

Goodbye until later, when boredom will bring me back here.

Paleolithic Shorelines

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I feel like a dry lake sometimes. At this point you’re going: “I’m sorry, what?”

You see, I have been full of life, people, places, generally speaking. I have had different lives, in various cities, with varieties of relationships and love. Every time though, I lost it, and the water receded, and my smaller life took on a new shape, and had different edges than before. But my lake has slowly been running dry. And everywhere I look, I see where all my water used to be, the old shape it once had still etched in the land. I’m reminded of how full it used to be. How deep my waters ran. But this metaphor is an illusion.

Maybe now you’re not saying “I’m sorry… what?” But instead: “ok, so what does this have to do with anything?”

I’m always looking for a new way to articulate my experiences. And I live in the shadow of my past, which I have not forgotten, because reminders of it are everywhere. But now, in this outstanding direction, I’ve revitalized my lake and filled it right back to capacity, burying all the memories of shapes it once had below the surface forever. I don’t live haunted by my failed lives. They are subject to erosion, not preservation. I am still with that past, but I vow never to let my life take a shape that is less than what I deserve. Now you might be going: “I still think the post about the muffin metaphor was better.”

How Long Until Freedom?

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I’m at work, the calls aren’t pouring in. The creep of boredom looms. And to top it off, it’s all Halloween music all the time at work. Which means I get to do the Monster Mash and Thriller until my ears bleed.

I am going to make it. I’m doing great and I have nothing but good things headed my way. I have so much to look forward to. So much future ahead of me. I can only hope for dedication out of myself. I want to have the ongoing strength to endure. I believe I can do this, and I will. Stay classy blog.

Judgement Day

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My past mistakes have finally caught up to me. My $53,000 in student loan debt has come due, and I’ve arranged with a collector to start paying it off. It’s the sum of all my flagrant mistakes, and the fiscal remainder of my bout with depression while I was in school. My time there granted me the intellect I have today, and the life I lived was paid in borrowed money. Which then, when that life failed leaving me nothing, I was forced to move on. The debt defaulted, ruined my credit rating, and has been an ever-present reminder of the cost of failure. At least now my loans will one day be paid off, and my credit standing rebuilt in time. But it was an unfriendly call, one I had waiting for me at my desk phone, and I returned that call, knowing full well that it would bring this past mistake into my present life. They are willing to work with me though, and they will get my loans out of defaulted status in 9 months. I fully intend to take responsibility for this, as this is my mistake and I own it as such. No one forced me to do what I did with my life in Santa Barbara. I got depressed and I alone decided to drop out of school and start my life over again. This day has been coming, and somehow I knew it would. But the moral of the story is: take action for your mistakes. Don’t shove them aside and hope they just vanish. I did these things, and I will pay for it.

I’m back at work, realizing that now, more than ever, I must stick with it and go far in this job. It’s the only thing that will keep me solvent, as the sheer magnitude of my debt would crush me otherwise. I think they would be willing to cut out all the fees associated with my loans, bringing the sum down to $39,000. Still a lot. Like buying a brand new luxury car. Only I bought a life that utterly failed and left me in ruin. Abandoned. Divorced. Stranded.

But that was almost 10 years ago. Things have changed since then. I’m doing better. I just hope I can pay off this debt in a timely not accelerated or inflated fashion. Too much payback and my life will go belly-up. But who knows what the next few years will hold. I just have to keep making the payments. Every time. For my future. For my past.

**UPDATE 3:15 pm**

I’m through most of the day, and I feel more strain than is usual. I mean, wouldn’t you be a bit freaked if a collector called you and said: it’s time to pay bub?

I feel like I will have to work for 12,000 years to ever pay it back. But I’m willing to try, at least. I’m just scared.

The day will be over before I even realize, and soon I’ll be on my way back home. Joy. I know there’s a game on tonight, but I don’t think I care all that much. I’m in a perturbed state. Not quite sure what to do with myself. But there you have it. Locked-in for the long term. I have been putting my head down and doing my job. I get the feeling not many take it as seriously as I do. I don’t mind the jokes, but does it really take you 38 minutes to put in one exchange? I guess I’m kinda grumpy. But this is life. Hard, yes, unbearable? Doubt it.

Shameless And Sleepy

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I still have little monkey thoughts in my brain. I often wonder about my future: we have to consider the path of torment I so often subject myself to. Things are already pretty hard being mentally ill. I make it even more treacherous by ruining my chances of success. I chose to evict my loneliness with companionship instead of learning how to stand by myself. It’s just so damn tasty at first. Love can be like a warm muffin in the beginning. But this variety of emotion doesn’t have much else going for it. Pretty soon, all that’s left is that annoying paper cup where once there used to be wholesome goodness. My time here has been short. I was willing to keep the muffin pants and go forward having no more to eat. But alas, if the muffin is gone, the joy is sucked right out of the everything and no one eats the pants.

My analogies are a tad strange. But I think you get my point. What I’ve been doing is avoiding eating my muffin. I don’t want the muffin. I put it into the refrigerator (intact) and have no intention of eating it. Not sure where this is headed. Point being: anyone can just eat the muffin. That’s the fun part. But what then? What drives sustainability of the thing worth keeping has lost all its value? I don’t want this to happen to me, as I have grown fat on muffins and know better than to keep buying a new one when the old one is gone.

Blog, I have confidence. Not a whole lot can really dig at me. I’ve got no part of my life that can’t be managed by me. I have no circumstance which could decide my fate, then being vastly out of my control. In the inevitable act of comparison, I have no desire to replicate the lives or actions of my exes, and I don’t look at them and say: “hot damn, I wish I was doing that.” In short, what I have is just what I want, and nothing less. Did I screw up? Sure, I mean, don’t we all at some point? But did I go from living a life that didn’t work, to then living a similar life expecting a new outcome? Isn’t that a really dumb thing to expect?

I think it’s foolish to hope that life moves on. Life doesn’t do anything for anyone. It constitutes a stage where events take place. It doesn’t know how to adjust, WE adjust, and WE dictate the outcomes. No one is going to take the responsibility away from you. It’s yours, whether you choose to own it or not. Life goes on, much like the oven where my metaphorical muffin is baking.

Do I find it hard to imagine anyone else being at fault for my mood, my life’s events (at least, at this juncture)? I did the very thing I set out to do, and I didn’t go back on my words and edit them to fit my choice; I proceeded with the intention of following through with what I had originally said. I can now look in the mirror and know I didn’t lie, cheat, mislead, or hurt anyone getting my muffin baked. I told you all I was going to bake a muffin and so I did. And I don’t have to eat it. I can save it forever, as a tangible sign of the physical achievement of my success (and baking skill).

And I’ve made good decisions for my long-term health and stability. On that front: I’ve also been weeks without pot, something I could have continued to do but declined for my own health and wellbeing. And now I will be giving up alcohol. And to follow the parade of sacrifices; I have resolved to stop drinking coffee. Frankly, good coffee is an unnecessary expense, and my kitchen is all about efficiency.

Like I said at the start: this is all a big mess of monkey thoughts. But it’s my blog and I’ll natter on about whatever I want. But now I’m kinda hungry…

Poisoned By Stupidity

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So I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I can no longer drink alcohol, as this substance ruins my mood and upsets my stomach. My parents came over today to watch football, but I was not having a good time after I drank the beer my mom brought. I made matters worse by then drinking an entire pot of coffee (albeit, in an effort to stay awake for them). Needless to say, the drowsiness brought on by the beer has thoroughly won, and all that remains is a gurgle of unhappiness. So beer, at long last I am done with you.

Lesson learned. I was up at 3 this morning, and I’ve struggled with exhaustion all day, coming to this point of total collapse. It’s not my bed time yet, but I see no likelihood in my remaining conscious beyond this afternoon. A disappointing football day followed by a less than friendly chemical war in my stomach.

But what can you do? I tried to make the best of it, and I failed. Things happen. My upset stomach will pass. My fatigue will be cured by rest, and tomorrow is a new and exciting week as a regular employee. Huzzah. I’m looking forward to starting, and hammering out the hours as a member of the team officially. I have had my rest, and now it’s time to get after it. And I can do that.

Blog, I know things are moving along. I’m more certain than ever that companionship is not a good road for me. All my attempts to reach out to others have ended in my enthusiasm being ignored. I’m not going to fall in love with anyone. I’m not even remotely interested in the prospect. So why all the attempts to reach out and meet someone? Am I even slightly inclined? Frankly the whole line of thinking is flawed. I don’t even want it. So why beat myself up over not having it? It’s probably a lot more trouble than it is reward. And the emotional energy it takes to keep a relationship alive and healthy is not a commitment I’m interested in making. I have so many good things going on in my new life; I wouldn’t put that at risk for anyone else. With all my efforts driving me to keep myself balanced and healthy, I don’t have enough left over to make anything work. I could just wing it, but why? To say that I got over Jax by getting a new relationship? Or that somehow we were racing to see who could be happiest first? It all seems like rather petty motivations for such a life-altering thing.

It’s nice though, this life I have. Perhaps not when I have nuked my system with chemicals, but good for the most part and definitely headed in the right direction. I still have many things to look forward to. I’m in the rather boring business of living life for myself, and doing the same thing for a long time. I sometimes scare myself: thinking I don’t have enough sanity to keep my head out of trouble, or that I will somehow blow it and lose my life again like I have in the past. But these fears are unsubstantiated. I can go back into my past and say: look, here’s the point where I lost it, and understand why it happened. It’s not 100% because I lost control. Other people have s huge influence on me, and can greatly accelerate my deterioration. I’m currently thinking: without anyone else to poison my well, will I do it to myself, or will I be ok?

I’m pretty tired. I think 12 hours of rest is an order. Goodnight to all these mixed thoughts, and you.

The Art Of Spin

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I could be miserable, but I’m not going to let myself feel that way. I have some say in the matter when last I checked. And I have been struggling with feelings for the last day, but it happens and that’s ok. I have a choice, and I can decide to take it easy on myself, or, find a way to make my situation somehow unbearable. I may be lonely, but it’s not a sensation that will command my actions or determine much of anything. I’m choosing to rest because my body is asking for it. My feet are tired and my boring disposition does not have to reflect a declining mood. I had fun today, got to go walk around outside, take in the air, and do one of my favorite activities. One that I took advantage of while my rockhounding buddy is still in town. Eventually they’ll be on the road and I will have to inspire my own adventures.

And I am playing Diablo II again with the perfect drop mod, which is not as lame as it sounds. Rares drop infrequently and you might only expect a unique item off a named mob, sometimes an elite mob or ghostly or whatever nomenclature that distinguishes it from the trash. It grants experience at a rate comparable to the level cap as the end result of beating the game in hell mode, so there’s actually a decent chance of successfully leveling up into the high 80s, thereby granting use of some of the game’s finest equipment. I always hated how the game would become impossibly hard and there was no chance EVER of completing a set off the weak-ass boss drops. Sets are just so rad, and to actually play a version of the game where picking up the elements on the drop becomes a reality is the best ever (slight exaggeration). I love that. I’m not going to, but if I wanted some pre expansion set, all is have to do is grind. This game keeps the fundamentals intact, and makes item drops exciting again. Hooray for that.

Blog, I also find writing to you to be helpful. I get all these words piled up in my head and sometimes I just don’t know what to do with them all. I can get lost interpreting them negatively, and that can lead to a rapid decline in mood. But today I did a fun, and I just now called my mom to thank her for taking me rock collecting. I wanted her to know that I had a good time. Which is all try and should be reiterated as often as possible. I really do think I just needed that one extra day to not have to go grind my face off at work, to be able to sit back for a bit and let myself refill with energy. Blog, I feel fine, and even now, I’m excited to get back to work. I’m starting out my first day as a real employee now, not just a temp. I’m certified. I feel just so awesome about that.

So I’m in bed a bit early, but I’ve already eaten dinner and taken my nighttime meds. I know all my body is asking for is tranquility and rest, which I am only too happy to oblige. I want you to know that I’m going to be fine, and my spirit is lifting, and the rain clouds are passing by. I’ve got a ton to look forward to out here. My life is in the best way it’s been in years. I have a loving family, a solid support structure to catch me if I were to fall, and a sense of worth I haven’t had for years. I took the broken bits of my life, gathered them up, and glued my leg statue lamp back together again. It’s a major award you know?

Have a fantastic Saturday night doing whatever makes you smile. It’s a little early for A Christmas Story jokes, but I couldn’t resist.

The McCain Valley Rockhounding Trip

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We woke up and got this thing rolling. We were on the I-8 East by 7:00 am and the morning marine layer had just started to lift up and away as we rapidly gained elevation outside of El Cajon. Then we were cruising through the mountains, with the yellow sun beating us head on over the ridge-tops. Then the oddest thing happened… the temperature plummeted to 43 degrees and this insane mountain fog showed up, thick, wet and freezing. I had to document:

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So we drove through that, and got out to McCain Valle Road, which is miles of dirt road all pretty well maintained, to my surprise. And there were lots of open use campgrounds with no rangers but pay boxes for your $6 per night fee. Pretty cool. We saw some people camping in the freezing cold and I remembered my recent trip to the so-called Lake Morena. Ah, memories.

 

We went out to the spot I picked, and did our best collecting at that first site. I knew the back of the valley would have the highest chance of yielding collectable samples, and I was mostly right. The terrain was far more bushy than I had thought it would be, and my uncovered legs got pretty scratched up as we hiked through narrow granite riverbeds and low brush. Eventually we had walked out into another campsite, and just took the road back. Actually, we collected some nice samples right out of the gravel road, which had been seeded with local till as well as gravel. I picked a very nice rose Quartz while we went on our way back. On the way out of the valley, we stopped at a lookout and I used my pitiful iPhone camera to capture the Carizzo overlook, and the desert floor below.

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With Moo up to her usual antics

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After that, we drove down into the Jucumba flats area, and hit two more collecting sites, a dirt turnout near old highway 80, and a long river-wash near some hilly outcroppings. The last site yielded some fine Feldspar samples, mostly white, but with remarkable features.

Once home, we washed the samples and laid them out for a picture, which didn’t come out very well. But hey, I’m not expecting much from my phone after all.

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So, a successful, and fun trip. I should not have forgotten my sunglasses, as the white granite and sand was utterly blinding me. But you can see the rose Quartz I picked up, as well as a nice Amatrine my mom found, and the Feldspar is the white stuff.

 

Great adventure, fun day, phew, I’m tired. Good show. See you later.

Little Pieces

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I’m crying. For having done next to nothing all day it sure has taken a toll on me. I’m feeling unquenchably alone, and unwillingly so. Everyone who has ever been close to me has left. At some point, the truth of my undesirable disposition becomes apparent. It’s these times where I struggle; thinking back on all the personal failures of my life. I’ve had many opportunities to be happy with someone else, and they’ve all come unraveled.

Blog, I try to keep my head on straight about these feelings. But sometimes I just break down; I lose sight of the good and become immersed in negativity. Being at work lifts me, and drains me simultaneously. It’s a net gain, but I knew something was wrong today. I was in a funk and I haven’t been able to lift myself out of it at all. Now we’ve come to the low, and the bottom of the grade is here. Even as I write this, my sad little tears are drying. I haven’t talked to anyone today. I’ve been almost totally silent. I put on some music, but I couldn’t sing. I just didn’t feel the music at all. My fingertips are numb and my face is straining underneath a frown.

I’m expecting a call from Ray my MHS case worker. He’s still working on making sure I’m doing ok, even though my 90 days at Mood have already passed. So there’s that.

I’m calling it quits for today. I took my nighttime meds and I’m not leaving my warm bed for any reason. I just want to go to sleep so this terrible feeling will go through me and let me be. It’s never that easy. I have only the internal dialogue of pessimism and slanted arguments to contend with. Blah. My sadness is fleeting, which is why I’m resigning.

I know I’m not fundamentally sad. I am occasionally haunted, which is not very fun when it happens. It comes with the territory of being who I am. I wish I could be normal, and have someone, and not be ripped apart by it all. Maybe companionship is just not possible for me. Who knows?

Well. It’s been an uneventful but dreadful day of what was supposed to be rest, and what has turned out to be remorse. Tomorrow is another day.

Adventure Season

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We’re going rockhounding this Saturday, and I already have our site picked out in the McCain Valley, right at the top, in the Anza-Borego State Park. All through the valley is primarily Indian land, but this one secluded corner is still in our reach. I’m not quite sure what to expect, besides schorl. I don’t even know if we will be able to get there, but we could sure try, as the pickings in the McCain Valley are good.

I’m at home, and so is everyone else, so the Internet connection speed is pathetic for websites. It usually times out, and I’m now contemplating reconfiguring my entire setup to maximize connectivity to the router, which is up and deep in the main house. I’m not positive what sorts of things disrupt a wireless n signal, but I know it’s happening. I’ll reposition my wireless antenna so it’s closer to the ceiling and maybe that will help.

As I paused in writing this post to test my theory, I report success, and a now 130mbps signal almost entirely uninterrupted and very near the ceiling.

I’ve been trying to nap for hours, and nothing’s working. I drank my last beer hoping that would make with the sleep, but no dice. I downloaded and installed Diablo II earlier this morning, running the famous drop mod, which will be fun starting over with as I have long since deleted my old toons. I used to play with Jax, but that was a disaster, and just another complaint that I was too controlling. We never went back to it because we could never talk about and address our problems. She would get mad about something but never look to fix it, or at least talk it out. That wasn’t her way. She buried problems deep and waited until the breaking point to uncork everything. It must have made it easier to cheat on me; all that unresolved anger. Why not cheat on him? He’s a fucker.

Blog, I think I needed today, but I always get frustrated with myself when I can’t perform at an optimal level. I mean, I forget that I have s disability which can hold me back sometimes. I’d rather be normal, and be able to grind out my days and never have to think twice about it. But I’m not, and beating myself up over my shortcomings isn’t helping me.

At least I have the weekend. I’m hopeful that tomorrow’s adventure is fun and good, as most rock collecting trips tend to be. McCain Valley or bust.

I would have been wholly useless at work today. I barely have enough energy to keep myself conscious, but too much to fall into sleep. It’s a tough spot. Goodbye for now.

Southwest

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Shameless corners dust and dirt,
Parched ever in the wilting sun,
Made brave in the blasting heat,
Long shadows come undone.
Whispering in the stale air,
Their cries of want and endless thirst,
A mellow red sunset long,
The clash of color due to burst.
Reckless, cringing scrape of night,
The heat of day did not belong,
When eyes are groping for the light,
And crickets make their special song.
Arise again the break of dawn,
Emboldened, clutching hand-in-hand,
Another pale promise gone,
Buried deep beneath the sand.

Caved

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I gave in, and called myself in for the day. I had been debating all morning, as I woke up lat again and had a really hard time getting started. My battery must have been at 30% or less right when I woke up, and I can’t function like that. I know I need some rest today, some nap time, and food, and not the pressing stress of work keeping my energy level from coming back up. I just had no choice, other than to force myself to go and suffer miserably all day, which I was not willing to do for fear of sullying my good feeling towards work. I like my job, but I’ve been grinding for like 3 weeks here and I needed just 1 day of extra rest, which I believe is permissible. I have to put my health as the number one priority, and frankly, I’m doing great financially and will be just fine for next week. I get a boost in pay, and will grind every single hour I can get at that premium rate. No reason to fret. I’m getting more and more sedated in the mornings because of the Geodon interacting with food, I suppose. I had been taking it on an empty stomach earlier in the year, and didn’t have this problem… but I need to continue to take it as prescribed, which includes a meal.

I’m going to catch up on some rest blog, after I finish my laundry. I know, exciting right?

 

I  also made contact with a Cynthia on OkCupid, and I hope that we can have a decent conversation over the course of the weekend, and week. I’m only looking to chat with someone. I don’t want anything more than a friendship, thought I’m sure we will encounter an impasse if things do progress as relationships do. But I don’t know. I’m going to just play it by ear, and see what happens. I’m in no rush, and have no expectation. Boy am I tired. Damn this Geodon.

 

**update 11:00 am**

It appears the Geodon causes drowsiness without the ability to then sleep. This is a good thing to note, as I now know not to try and sleep it off, as this will not alleviate any symptoms. I may be able to crash out later, but I’m extraordinarily tired and unable to appease it. Lesson learned. I suppose.
 

Guts

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I’ve been struggling HARD in the morning as I think the Geodon is sedating me even after food (protein) and oodles of coffee. I even went out and bought a tall cup right before my shift, and it didn’t matter. I was on the verge of calling it a day, but held strong. I have to… I can’t afford to go home because I’m extraordinarily drowsy. But I was close. Avoided it as it tends to wear off after 12 or so. But I was desperate today, and I think staying up late last night AND drinking an entire 22oz bottle didn’t help my Thursday slog.

I miss her laugh, the way her smile could fill a whole room, the caress of her kiss. I got to wondering how long it’s going to be before I ever get a kiss like that again. Songs that come on over the overhead speaker system are reminding me of sad things sometimes. I didn’t go from one relationship to another right away; I don’t have new love to distract me from old pain. And that’s (logically) a good thing, because I don’t want to mess up what I have going for me. I’m somewhat afraid that a relationship would do that, or at least throw a monkey in the wrench of my emotions.

But I can’t help thinking about her. Sometimes I really miss my ex, and thus causes me temporary suffering. But it’s not the end. It’s only a new beginning, and I’m just starting to gain ground in this vastly-different-than-before direction I’ve taken my life. I’m proud of what I have managed to do, with the help of family and friends. I see stuff on Facebook about people going through hard times, self inflicted mind you, and I am kinda proud by comparison. I’ve had some fuck-ups, but I haven’t spoiled my potential at all. I continue to push my life in a positive, progressive manner. I don’t settle for substandard conditions, I vie to improve them.

It’s not all pom-poms and cheers either. I suffer. Not terribly, but it budges me from my path. Noticeably sometimes. I have no where else to go with these feelings but here, as I would be baring my soul in therapy but it’s still 6 days away. You are my record-keeper and my silent confidant, and for that I am grateful. I don’t present the story of like you to see, I lay out reality for everyone to view, without alteration or fabrication. It’s what I’m feeling/doing, and if I can’t even be honest about THAT then I’m really in trouble. Deceit begets disaster. Lesson learned MUCH earlier than most out there, who have no reservations about lying.

Goodnight blog. I need some solid rest to get ready for this last day of work for the week. Hooray for Fridays.

Dinner Talk

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I made dinner for Angi, who came over to my place tonight. We had a blast talking about past events, our recent camping trip, and products and services made or outsourced to China. She’s visiting from Italy, but grew up here in San Diego with me. We both took 3 years of drama in room 262, and have been through some shit together. Tonight was great; I made baked broccoli and cauliflower with a touch of garlic salt and I fried some tofu and oudon noodles in sesame oil. I didn’t like the way the oudon came out. A little too crunchy. Like overdone hash browns. But all tasty, and totally vegan.

We talked for the better part of 2 hours, and I enjoyed it. We have been friends for years, and like I said earlier, I don’t want to miss my chance to hang out while she is here for 2 months. Soon she will be gone, and I’d like to know that I made the effort to enjoy her company. Unlike the last time she visited and I was off Facebook and I never even knew she was here. I doubt Jax would have liked me seeing her, even though her jealousy would have been hypocritical. Like I’m the one who needs to be worried about cheating.

I made it through the day blog, and now we’re on to the short half of the week. Tomorrow night the New England Patriots host the New York Jets, which looks to be another wipeout on Thursday Night Football. Just about par for the course, even though Houston did manage to claw their way back into the game last week, it was clearly Indianapolis’ to lose.

Today we set a new high water mark for views on the blog: currently 85. The old record was 62. Shattered! Thanks for the attention, I do appreciate there being some kickback from the surrounding world. It inspires me to keep writing for my own health and ongoing sanity.

I’m pretty pooped, and up WAY past my bedtime. I hope you all have a happy football eve. Goodnight.

Closed Out

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I’m stuck at work today as my dad needed the truck. It’s fortunate that we even have the freedom to do this, and somewhat a bummer since I can’t flee to my truck or even go out for additional food. I should start bringing more for lunch. I have nothing for the end of the day. I eat early, like at 10. But I’m also up by 5:30 or 6 am. So it makes some sense.

I just got off the phone with my therapist, and an intern is going to sit in on our next session. This will also be my second annual review at North Central Region Center. So I’ve clearly stuck to it, and never missed an appointment. I also talked to Annette from Hope Connections, and they are going to close out my case, as the resounding opinion is that I’ve achieved success, and met my goals. I remember first walking in there and telling them about what I had been through. I sad story with no end. I was at a zero point, and from then on forward, I started climbing. I had a long ways to go, but I stayed strong and met my goals. I’m doing great, and Annette was super happy to hear about all I’ve done. I had been meaning to call her, because it had been a couple months between check ins. But here we are, severing the ties with the gantry and standing independent. I’m truly happy with where things ended up. Blog, you were here the whole time. You saw it all. I hope you are as pleased with the outcome as I am.

Thinking About Stuff

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I’m at the end of another day blog, and I’m not quite as exhausted as I was yesterday. I’ve been thinking though about how very important putting my mental illness first has been. I live my life by a set of disciplines, keeping to my daily dosages of medications, never missing one, going to every scheduled psychiatry or psychology appointment given me, and keeping a good tab on what is going on in my mind. This blog has been a huge part of my ongoing success, as it gives me a place to express my thoughts and sometimes rant about this or that, as opposed to keeping my inner-dialogue a secret and burying it in my brain somewhere. I’m able to cope with sadness, struggle through negative moments, or even sessions of complete collapse, when it seems as though there is no hope at all. Since that final weekend in the awning room, I have been on a steady, stable path, with nothing left to perturb me from my consistency. I feel things, sure, sometimes terrible things, things that choke and clot in my throat and force out the tears, but is this doom? Is this even abnormal? I bet I have a better handle on myself than most people do. I doubt many deliberate as deeply as I do about the (seemingly) random whims of my emotional state. I think it’s a neglected art, one that goes totally unappreciated in modern culture, where men (especially) are the heads of their households, stern, unwavering, callous even. It’s the “don’t cry, rub some dirt on it and get back out there” mentality. I find it pervades the icons and cultural stigma surrounding my gender, and it’s largely deserved… I tend to think my much different perspective is in the minority. I don’t talk to anyone but you about these issues. Consolation is not common in my gender. It’s best that I continue to appear a bastion of strength rather than a flounder of feelings.

 

I’ve come to appreciate the struggle of life, which is not an easy thing to say. I have only myself to look after, for a good long while. Will I ever get back in the game? Maybe, but I’m so very far from even wanting that in a concrete way. The prospect of casual sex is unappealing as well, but still achievable if some need were to drive it. I just don’t see why it’s necessary, at the current juncture. I don’t live and die by sex like I used to. I used to think it was a HUGE part of any successful relationship, and when it dies, so to does the closeness, and so does the relationship on a total level. Sex is supposed to be an expression of vulnerability and closeness, and trust. But it’s not for causal tinkering, I have learned through trial and error. But that’s why we do things. It gets the guesswork out of hypothesis and puts a real experiment to the test. Logical much? Yes, it’s true, but don’t I really have to be? Considering the sorts of messes I have got myself into in the past, I’d rather over-think it than under. Life is all about experiments. We don’t just fucking NAIL IT with a guess, and have it work out for the long-term. Nothing planned in haste is worth doing, as these sorts of things present huge complications when factors not thought of at the onset are then revealed, and the ensuing badness implied.

 

So tonight I’m appreciating my “stick to it” attitude, my long term goals, and my current state of mind. I’m in a healthy, prosperous place, and I’m looking at dragging home more than double my rent on the month as of the 20th. I’m safe and secure, and prospering in a healthy state of mind. I am forming good habits, staying true to my mental health as the priority, and enjoying every minute of my life. I’m doing fantastic blog, thanks for asking! I’m at the point I thought I could never get back to, from the point of total destruction. 7 months ago, I had no job, no home, no wife, no hope. Slowly, in incremental steps, I started to climb back. I got a divorce, leaving the problems Jax brought into my world behind. I got healthy, started losing weight (nearly 40 pounds to date), started on new medications and took them every day, twice a day. I got myself a career job, with locked-in success as long as I continued to apply myself. I landed the perfect apartment, in a safe, stable place. And to top it all off, I got a raise, making my goal of self-sustainability a reality. I did all this with the help of my family, and their unending support. I also did this for myself, because I can’t be happy living a substandard life. I am driven, ambitious and constantly improving. I will continue to strive for my safe, independent life for as long as I possibly can. Blog, things have clicked into place, and the stress of not knowing has been lifted from me. I can’t tell you enough how good it feels to have done all this. It’s the greatest comeback victory in my whole life. I did it blog. And now, we’re here.

 

Have a great night you guys. It’s another day tomorrow.

Fatigue

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I’m having a war with the voice in my head telling me to go home for the day. But I know that even though I’m quite tired, I still need to stay. I can’t afford working less than my full 40 hours, and boy do I truly need to pinch every penny. I bought some whole bean coffee for the house. Hot damn is that shit expensive or what? But I’m also a coffee snob who only drinks Peet’s. Shit is so rich, pure, smooth and good. It’s going to be a long day. Still quite slow out there. Here’s hoping we get busy and the end of the day comes sooner.

**UPDATE @ 2:00 pm**

I’m still here, and doing better after I ate some lunch. Not the best lunch, but this was kind of an emergency. I just needed something to keep me going today. Damn I hate music sometimes; all I can think about is being alone, and sorrowful about it to some extent. I really don’t need all the extra emotions bubbling up right now. It’s hard enough just managing my own stuff, let alone with extra salsa on top. But hey, no one said it was going to be easy. I don’t expect it to be either, but I should be allowed to remark on it.

So I’m hanging tough until the end of the day. Staying as busy as I can given the dreadfully low call volume. Sigh.

**UPDATE 3:30 pm**

I’ve found that things pick up after 2:30 when the first wave of people leave for the day. With only a few queue calls coming in, the workload gets dispersed between myriad available agents. But towards the end of the day, there are only a few still in, so the calls are concentrated, even backing up forcing more than a few minutes hold time. So it started out rather slow, but has picked up. You know blog… I have a lot to look forward to. I always have you, and you do such a great job listening. I have friends, and even if they are far away, they are still my friends and I appreciate them. Angi is coming over for dinner tomorrow, and Thursday night football will feature some of my fantasy players (J. Edelman and S. Gostkowski). I have a supportive family who loves me, and I’m super happy to be where I’m at with my life. I have no regrets about how I transitioned from a broken life, to a successful one. So chin up. It’s just Tuesday.

Uncle Schmuncle

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I’m officially 2-0 after a truly nail-biting finish in the Family league, squeaking by with a 1.8 point margin of victory, moving me to 3-3 on the season, and in sole possession of first place in the western division. I’m 5-1 at work, and have just catapulted myself into first place riding a 3 game wining streak. The REAL test is this week though, because 2-0 weeks like the one I just had don’t mean much if you follow it up going 0-2. Week 7 is a pivotal matchup with the derelict team in the work league (a must win) and a matchup with my languishing cousin David in the family league, as his team holds down last place in the west. He even had the first pick overall, but lost it to Adrian Peterson, who is indefinitely suspended for beating (disciplining) his son with a stick.  Talk about rough luck. But his team is not very good, and certainly beatable, so I will be counting on two big wins to keep this hot-streak going.

But more to the point: I don’t need my stupid uncle’s fantasy football league, nor would I want any part of it if offered. I despised the attitude of those people the first time around, and their complaining, whining and otherwise bitching until they got their way. Yeah, sounds like a blast Uncle Phil, boy I’m sure glad I missed all of that excitement…

He had the audacity to think his league would just be too good to resist, and I would come crawling back and submit my surrender and forget about all the nasty bullshit things he did. Right. On second thought, maybe I’ll just ignore your future emails and consider you a not important source of information moving forward. I wonder which road I’m going to choose?

So ta ta uncle Phil. Good fucking riddance to you and your pompous, narcissistic, oblivious self. I’m having a grand-ole-time out here running my own league (in which there has not been a single complaint that wasn’t respected and treated with seriousness), and have been enjoying fantasy football without your guru-like insights. He even had the arrogance to call himself “Rozelle” as though he had earned the respect and dignity of a real professional sports commissioner and we should all just listen to him and his amazing, super-insightful points of view. How preposterous. What an ass. I’m so glad to be done with him. I had long since considered this well to be poisoned, and I’m glad to see I was right all along.\

 

Sorry, I had just been brewing these thoughts on my own for a while, and have really no place else to go with them. People who just act and treat me like I’m (first) not an adult, and second, with no respect, don’t deserve much of my attention. It’s pretty damn early, but this is my everyday schedule eh? I go to bed around 9 as well, and I hardly ever stay up past my bed time. I’m kinda boring, but also stable and happy, which I wouldn’t trade for anything. Not even DeMarco Murray.

Solitary

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Shivers down the bone-spine,
The wet hiss of rain.
Skin pulled like a drum,
Cracking under the sum.

Amidst the shadows, long
Whispered moments–
Eaten by time.
Pale light of the dawn,
Cold alleys and wasted days,
Churning in the innards,
Split in two by thunder.
Driven like a bent nail–
Contorted wrong,
About the mystery of chance,
The shouting cries of pain,
A heart thumping deep,
Scraped by trapped hands–
Put between like bricks,
Separated forever.

Making lies dripping sweet,
Stung in the gasp of terror,
Expelled by thieves,
Shattered mirror.
A face without a name,
Quiet sadness,
Abhorrent in memory,
The pale rumor lingers,
Strumming like fingers,
On the edge, not looking back
Falling swiftly into nothing.

Standing Here

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Since today is colonization genocide day, people aren’t calling in very often because they think we’re closed. At what is supposed to be the halfway mark of the day, I’m only at 14 calls. I got involved in an unfriendly email exchange with my uncle Phil, who is a genuine narcissist, in which I basically told him I was still mad about the debacle that was his personal fantasy football league. You remember, the one he disbanded over people complaining about his unfair leadership? Well striking up a casual conversation with me did not yield any fruit, though he had no difficulty telling me why my feelings on the matter are irrelevant and that he was right all along. It put me off, needless to say. And resulted in a permanent ignore, lest I make the foolish mistake of becoming emotionally instigated to reply. I don’t have anything constructive to say.

Well that kind of put my mood into a rut, but no matter. The Chargers eeked out a victory in Oakland agains the hated Raiders, which will almost certainly make me smile. And Frank Gore being worth more than 6 fantasy points will put me at 2-0 for the first time since week 1. Hopeful that nothing goes seriously wrong with the 49ers offense, but damn near anything is possible.

Blog, I’m sorta down today, and feeling a lot of heavy emotions. I’m going to be fine, but everything I do today seems just a little harder. I know I have good things coming down the pipe, and stability in my long term future. But am I overflowing with happiness? I write that, but I don’t even really expect anything like it. In fact, it might raise more caution than incite joy. I’m not out here expecting to be giddy and in love. I’m not even sure about making friends, even though I took a big step in that direction over the weekend. Things are moving along. But you know me… I’m usually contending with some emotional uprising. My uncle being such an arrogant asshole doesn’t help. Of course it’s my fault he ruined the league for everyone that year, I mean, duh.

**Update @ 3:17 pm**

It hasn’t gotten much better in there. It’s dead. And the incessant creep of boredom is present, subdued only by the unfortunate ramblings of the “cool kids.” I think they are sure they are so very cool, and they have one-dimensional conversations and go on about the stupidest subject matter. One day it was people eating monkey brains in foreign restaurants, today, its water-boarding and torture as a fun thing to laugh about. Oh joy. So this is likely my final post for the day. I’ll be watching football tonight and doing my best to hold myself together. Things are hard, on occasion. But not as bad as they have been in the past, and subsequently, improving. That, I can grab on to.

Blued

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I have some sad Jax related thoughts in my head. Memories triggered by my driving to the corner gas station by where we used to live. It doesn’t have much baring on anything, but I remember how good it felt to be in love, how passionate and pure it can be. To be honest, it doesn’t have much else going for it. But I am currently not loved by anyone, nor done grieving from the last encounter with it. The idea of wanting it back isn’t very real or strong, but there is an emptiness in me where I once was in love. But that’s the trick: it ropes you into commitment with a ton of up-front emotions, then fades over time. The newness of love becomes (hopefully) the strength of dedication. But that comes not as a welcome transition but rather more like starvation; the body yearning for a fire that has long since gone out. I find that we forget the full path of choosing partners because we become lost in the feelings that hit first; the instant-gratification of being in love. I have also come to observe what happens after that fire starts to grow into an ember. It requires nurturing and patience to get it back to where it is still warm. I have not the time or inclination to do right by love, and to treat it with the respect it deserves. Maybe I will again someday, but I do respect the severity of my next encounter with love, in that I can’t afford to screw around with it like I have in the past. Everything now depends on my stability, and for that reason alone will I steer clear of love. For now.

Crispy Critter

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So the night was rather eventful. A screech owl decided that 2:47 am was a great time to make a bunch of noise. I checked my phone really only because I was hoping it would be close to sunrise. Wrong. Sometime after that, I was again alerted by the sound of very loud snoring from some distant campsite. So unreasonably loud. I can’t even imagine the dozens of people who would have (no doubt) been perturbed by this onslaught of auditory interference. I was hundreds of feet from the source, and it still got my attention. All those shenanigans, plus the unforgiving earth caused various parts of my body to fall asleep and get so tingly that I was forced awake on multiple uncomfortable occasions. Ok, camping rant over.

On the bright side, I had my own tent which was easy to set up, and faster to take down. The air was awesomely fresh and the stars were phenomenally clear and bright so far from city light pollution. I did have a fun time out there. It’s still a shock to see the lake had almost completely vanished. The last time I was there, maybe 10 years ago, the terrain was vastly different. The first few RV hookup sites were all lakefront. Now, there’s no water anywhere in sight of the campgrounds. It must be pooled up at the base of the dam, harboring some truly foul level of mud and dead fish. I bet all the bass are gone, with a catfish or two making up the remnants of a once diverse aquatic ecosystem. This drought has clearly taken a toll on our local landscape. Sad, but also largely out of our hands.

I’m in bed pretty early tonight. I’m just so very tired blog, and was so eager to climb into my comfortable snuggle place. I am relieved to be on my mattress. Grateful even. Thank that guy who invented the mattress. Brilliant.

It’s the start of another work week, and this will be my last week receiving an Eastridge paycheck. On the 20th, we officially start as full time employees of Mood Media. The raise was just perfect, and set me squarely on the path to self-sustaining independent life. I’ve never before been so unwaveringly sure of my future, now that it is squarely in my control. I’m the master of my domain, the presidential decider of my fate. I feel both gratified and confident. No one else can derail this but me. And I’m all I need to count on.

I hope you all had fun with your weekend, as I did (more or less). I did get a little drunk, which also helped me sleep. Good timing.

On The Ground

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I’m writing you from the place that used to be Lake Morena, but is now a desolate basin of dead plants and sand. Google said that we were under 25 feet of water on our little hike around the perimeter of the so-called lake. We went right out to the dead center of what should have been the eastern edge of the lake, and found nothing but sand. Sand, dead water plants and bare rocks which all carried the straitons of previous water levels. All since long gone. The water at Lake Morena is at 4% capacity, and no matter where you look, there’s no water. No water where there used to be 20 feet of water and submarine plant life long since crisped in the unforgiving sun. We must have walked close to a mile into what should have been water, and found not even a single fishing lure stuck to something. I observed some active geology in the area, but mostly an impacted Quartz vein that had been long since eroded into crumbly bits. I got to talk a little geology with my camping crew. But here I am, in my tent, about ready to call it a day. I hope you all have a much more comfortable night than I am going to have. I will be hoping the dirt I’m sleeping on will at least let me rest for five hours or so. We’ll see. But this is camping baby. Rough it or die.

My Friday Story

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I had another blistering day in the billing queue, handling more than 40. And at least one very irate person who wasn’t listening to me even though I was nice. She just really wanted to yell at someone and I got lucky and pulled the call. I wish only that I could have helped the lady with what she wanted, but she wasn’t going to listen. Regardless of the words I said. I heard a song today that really hung with me, as you may have noticed by the song I put up late in the afternoon. It just reminded me of what it felt like to lose Jax and know I was never getting her back. Just hit me hard. Sometimes that happens with music, for me anyway.

Blog, it’s the beginning of my weekend. Yet another leading me to the week in which my new position will at last be realized. I went up to 14 an hour… which is effectively $300 more a month. It’s like getting a fifth paycheck every 4 weeks. And I will get medical benefits, retirement and all that. I fully intend to stay with Mood for the rest of my days, so buying into the retirement 401k is a great idea. Get started on living the high life later on down the road. And I do mean way way later.

I do feel like I’m walking on broken glass sometimes, but I guess it’s really a testament to how deeply I feel. I get emotionally injured, and that seems like a difficult thing to recover from even after nearly 7 months. She’s moved right along. But I have not stopped hurting… it just lessens after days, weeks go by. I don’t sit and cry about it like I used to. So I got that going for me.

Tomorrow we pack the truck and head on out to lovely Lake Morena for a one-night campout. I haven’t been camping since… OH WAIT, I have been camping outside my parent’s RV for the ENTIRE SUMMER. And what do I go and do the first weekend I get to myself? I go camping. Duh.

So blog, it’s been an intense week, and now it’s time to take a break and have some fun. I will, however, not particularly enjoy sleeping on the ground, as dirt is usually pretty hard. It makes me think: if I were homeless, I’d get tired of sleeping on the ground in a hurry. It may be enough to inspire me to advance myself to the point of not having to sleep on the ground. If get motivated for the sake of comfort. For sure.

Goodnight blog. Hope you have as much (or more) fun with your weekend as I will.

Walking On Broken Glass – Annie Lennox

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You were the sweetest thing that I ever knew
But I don’t care for sugar honey if I can’t have you
Since you’ve abandoned me
My whole life has crashed
Won’t you pick the pieces up
’cause it feels just like I’m walking on broken glass

Walking on walking on broken glass

The sun’s still shining in the big blue sky
But it don’t mean nothing to me
Oh let the rain come down
Let the wind blow through me
I’m living in an empty room
With all the windows smashed
And I’ve got so little left to lose
That it feels just like I’m walking on broken glass

Walking on walking on broken glass

And if you’re trying to cut me down
You know that I might bleed
Cause if you’re trying to cut me down
I know that you’ll succeed
And if you want to hurt me
There’s nothing left to fear
Cause if you want to hurt me
You’re doing really well my dear

Now everyone of us was made to suffer
Everyone of us was made to weep
But we’ve been hurting one another
And now the pain has cut too deep…
So take me from the wreckage
Save me from the blast
Lift me up and take me back
Don’t let me keep on walking…
Walking on broken glass

Walking on walking on broken glass

Mathematically Sustainable

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I got a raise! And one that will now keep me in the green every single month. Self sufficient status achieved! Now it’s all on me to get myself to work and do the responsibilities of my life. No one but me to contend with now. I can’t tell you enough what a relief it is to know my future is way more stable than it has been in a long time. I’m tempted to say that nearly every hurdle presented during The Lone Bull Project has been cleared. I still have some weight to lose, but that seems achievable for sure. I’m still sticking to my diet. All the way. So here’s to another landmark victory in the ever progressing story of my life. Hoorah!

I Don’t Wanna Go On With You Like That – Elton John

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve always said that one’s enough to love
Now I hear you’re bragging one is not enough
Well, someone told me you’re not satisfied
You got plans to make me one of four or five

I guess this kind of thing’s just in your blood
But you won’t catch me carving up my love
I ain’t no puzzle piece that needs to fit
If it takes more than me, let’s call it quits

‘Cause I don’t wanna go on with you like that
Don’t wanna be a feather in your cap
I just don’t wanna tell you honey I ain’t mad
But I don’t wanna go on with you like that

It gets so hard sometimes to understand
This vicious circle’s getting out of hand
Don’t need an extra eye to see
That the fire spreads a faster in a breeze

And I don’t wanna go on with you like that
Don’t wanna be a feather in your cap
I just don’t wanna tell you honey I ain’t mad
But I don’t wanna go on with you like that

No I don’t wanna go on with you like that
One more set of boots on your welcome mat
You’ll just have to quit them if you want me back
‘Cause I don’t wanna go on with you like that

Oh, if you wanna spread it around, sister that’s just fine
But I don’t want no second hand feeding me lines
If you wanna hold someone in the middle of the night
Call out the guards, turn out the light

And I don’t wanna go on with you like that
Don’t wanna be a feather in your cap
I just don’t wanna tell you honey I ain’t mad
But I don’t wanna go on with you like that

No I don’t wanna go on with you like that
One more set of boots on your welcome mat
You’ll just have to quit them if you want me back
No, I don’t wanna go on with you like that

Left Wanting

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Hiss the hot, red words–

Burning the motives from action,

A gavel sounding the silence,

Mandated from the sender,

The message is lost entirely,

But in the twilight of excuses,

The maddening hours pass unresolved,

A lie told for a lie,

Corked and cast away on the sea of concern,

An outrage totally unheard.

But truth abides–

In the house of caution,

Belittled by the construct,

But aware of himself alone,

The daunting struggle of days,

Alone, content.

Proprietor of destiny,

Turns the eye of sorrow,

Back to peace.

 

31

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On a note vastly different from the last post, I turn 31 tomorrow. Or, in a little over 5 hours. I really like being in my thirties. I am of the somewhat insane belief that no one takes you seriously in your twenties. Might as well have stayed a teenager for all the respect my age managed to garner. So an unceremonious transition to 30 a year ago tomorrow was nice, but now I’m officially not a “new arrival” to the 30 plateau. I’ve taken up residence and fully intend to stay frankly, I’d like to be turning 40. There’s no fucking around with a 40 year old. You mean business at forty. And at fifty you might as well fall over and die because it’s all downhill from there. It has been my intention to live, even though I have endangered my own life on multiple occasions. I’m not of sound mind and body at times. And like I mentioned before, deteriorating relationships have been the primary cause of my past suicide attempts. I gamble big on the success of my relationships, and when they fail, I feel like my life is over. So, maybe it’s time to go solo for a good long while. Hopefully.

Blog, you just turned 2 about six days ago. I don’t take you very seriously. You have a long way to go before you figure out what the fuck is going on around you. It’s all puppies and rose petals in your inexperience. Me, on the other hand, a formidable veteran of the psychic wars, first mate on the starship whatthefuckjusthappened. I’m going to let you off with a warming this time, but if I catch you alone in the carpool lane again I’m writing you a ticket.

Happy birthday eve!

Another Belt-Notch

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It’s the end of another day blog, and I’ve been released from the 40+ call madness that had ensnared me earlier in the week. Today was a much more reasonable sum in the 30s, which does not have me feeling like I need to slither between the sheets and call it a day. I had a long day though, starting at 6:00 am sharp and to therapy before I clocked in. I had a great session with Margaret today, and we were covering an issue that has me pausing for thought: am I going to make it out here on my own? I know that sounds pretty silly, but truly, I’m unsure of myself, because I’ve never once been successful at this independence thing. I’ve had my shots, and blown them for one reason or another. And now, I’m apprehensive, because I don’t know if I will fall victim to an insurmountable sum of loneliness, or if I’m going to be ok without much human contact. I have friends at work, but they’re not the caliber that I would value or consider adding to my inner-circle. Margaret and I talked a lot about my “standards” and “convictions.” I have minimum standards for friendships or even relationships in general, which I know now MUST be met in order to proceed. In my past relationships, I was willing to compromise my standards for the sake of love, or lust, or whatever poor secondary factor. I compromised and I grew to dislike my partners, and I didn’t want to be with them after a while, because they were not the kind of person I had assumed they would be. In reality, this tangent of thinking will almost certainly alienate me from 95% of the world, but that’s a fact I have to be fully ok with. I’ve tried to go the other way, and look where it got me? I said: well, she’ll change as we get older… and that was only sorta right. She did change, but not in a good way, and not in a way that would have worked. They all did, and frankly, I hated myself for my decision to be with them. I used to mutilate myself, tear my flesh open, because I think I was suffering, deep in my mind, I was fundamentally unhappy. I know now that If I’m going to get close with someone, anyone, it will have to be on my terms. And 95% of you have now tuned me out, but in this one-man project, I’m the executive, not you. I’d rather be alone, than suffering silently with you.

 

So I have to come to grips with my state, and accept that I will need to find a way to make myself happy. I will have to be an automaton; fully self-sustaining, independent, and dictator over my nation. I don’t have a choice blog. I really don’t. If I value myself, my beliefs, my views, my standards, I must hold firm to them, and respect that my word is the only word that counts. It’s all about me now, and I am going to have to find a way to hold myself up despite unforeseen obstacles. It’s a challenge I am eagerly looking to prove to myself that I can take on. I’ve got this. See you all later.

Scald

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Tantrum bold
Always cold
Sighing sleep
The two should meet
Awakened eyes
Told only lies
Behind the fray
She wouldn’t stay
Alone again
Lost a friend
Seconds tick
Brick by brick
Stole away
Another day
Dashed his clout
Without a doubt
The rocks can tell
Just where he fell
Some secrets deep
Where hearts don’t beat
Away the rise
The sun despised
Blow me down
A distant town
Far from this
The end of bliss
Tomorrow comes
But I’m undone

Pictures I Saw

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I see pictures from back when we were together, and I remember those times. It’s not a good feeling. I think about how different it was then, how much things have changed since. I think about where we are now in our lives, how much I’ve altered the course of my ship, how distant I have become from that past. It’s alien to think of being back there, where I was slowly destroying myself in unhappiness. Things were different, yes. But I had my chance at that life, and now it’s gone.

 

I discontinued the search for new people through OkCupid. It’s just not what I need right now. No one wants to talk to me, and I can’t keep a conversation going with anyone. They lose interest and eventually fail to reply. I don’t even really know what I was expecting. I went on a few dates, but am I looking for love? Am I even remotely interested in a relationship?

 

I can abide the solitude, because I really should learn how to stand on my own. Every time, and I do mean EVERY time I have attempted to be fully independent, I had someone else in mind. I was eventually working to make a relationship happen, AND juggle independent life. Though at that point it ceased to be my independent life and became ours. I was accountable and involved with someone who then became fundamentally necessary to my success. And every time, I lost he relationship, and lost my life as I then knew it. I let myself hit rock bottom. I decided my life was no longer worth living, more than once. And why? Because I staked my claim on life with someone else, and that unpredictable variable sent the whole thing to the shit-house.

 

This time, it’s different. I don’t have to do anything for anyone but me. And frankly, I’m hard enough  to deal with on my own, let alone with another person muddying the waters of possibility. I just have to find a way to cope with the big huge sum of loneliness that will build as time goes on. I am hoping that I can still find solace in this blog; expressing my thoughts daily, venting about my woes, telling you all what I’m doing with my inconsequential little life. I have no one else. I’m made to be this way, maybe too volatile and odd to be paired off with anyone for the long term. Hey. I had the idea once that finding another mentally ill person to be with would be the way to go (thinking that two people who understood what it was to be mentally ill could sympathize with each other in a most unique way). I even used this very blog to find that person, who must have had some understanding of my situation, being that this blog encapsulates my mental health journey in all it’s vacillation. But, frankly, I was misled. I was not accepted or protected, I was forgotten, and them abandoned. I may have been my own undoing as well.

 

I clearly have a lot swimming around in my brain right now. I’m trying to stay awake so my nights don’t become nothing. I don’t want to fall into a pattern of coming back to my home, eating, sleeping, and getting up to start my work day having had no unwinding time between. See blog? I’m thinking about how to take care of myself. This is the evidence of progress beyond my past relationships. This is the step I have been trying to take for nearly 12 years. I have a long way to go yet, but I’m really trying. With all my heart.

 

So thanks for your presence blog reader peoples. Even if you casually glance over my latest nattering, you are, at least, there in a place where few would chose to be. Most people don’t care what happens to me, or want nothing to do with me. I’m not surprised by this, but it does make my world a lonely place sometimes. It is what it is. I’m coping. Thank the Jeebus I have therapy tomorrow. I could sure use it.

The 40s

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I’m way over metrics the last two days. Is it really going to be this way for the long term? I doubt it. Maybe things will slow down as the week progresses. But averaging 40 per day. Easily. Though the labor involved is fairly intense, and over 50% billing. Which is not what I was hired to do, but am doing it anyway because I’m a go getter. I put a ton of effort into my job, and it takes a physical toll.

I’m experiencing morning fatigue after I finish my coffee. I think I need to eat something first thing in the morning. Right now I’m eating hardly anything then taking my meds. Which I’m guessing is a bad plan overall. This high call volume for 3/4 of the day is wearing me down. I just handle so many calls. All these issues are bouncing around in my brain and ugh. Well, what can you do? Work is supposed to be hard.

I don’t mean to complain. I’m just expressing my mental exhaustion. I’m still on the clock, so things remain an ongoing saga of constant energy application. Sigh. And tonight I’m going to have to configure a router when I get home so I have a decent connection (which I currently do not have). The connection is shit, and it times out every time there’s any traffic on the network. Hopefully we get this sorted. But still tired. Blah.

So Tired

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I’m exhausted after a 44 call day. Considering my metrics say I should be at 32. I’m above the curve. But it takes a physical toll on me, as I’ve been home for all of 30 minutes and I’m already in bed. Blog, I just got so tired today. I was busy, mind you, but achy from the move and yawning constantly. My eyes were heavy from the very moment my shift started, and I think I know what happened. I may have accidentally taken my Doxepin instead of my Buproprion this morning. Which would account for the seemingly insurmountable fatigue which haunted my actions all day. But I was busy. No doubt of that.

You’re all thinking: three posts in one day? Has this boy lost his mind? Possibly. But truly I am just feeling like sharing. My days have become considerably more lonesome as my parents will only be here in this city for a few more days. I used to come home to their faces at night, and I would tell them all about my day. Now I have no one to talk to. Except you. So here we are, as one-dimensional as this can be, I still take solace in writing. It’s always been a special medium for me. And even if I don’t have a real human person to talk with every day, I still have you.

Hang in there with me as I comprehend my loneliness and do combat with its sometimes acute symptoms. I’m here in my snuggy bed all covered up and content. These cool fall nights are wonderful. The air here in Spring Valley is so fresh up on the hill. Above the stench of industry and roadways. Back at the RV ranch we were right next to a busy street, so road grease and tar dust built up on every conceivable surface, including me. Here though, the air is rich and clean, the horizon is low, and blinking with happy little city lights, just as the last pale red glow of sunset filters out the sky. It’s hard to stop and enjoy when you’re beat-down tired as I am. But it’s all there for me, and I’m not going to “miss out” because this is my new everyday. Blog, I’m just so pleased with the result of all this effort. I worked so hard to get back to having an independent life, and look where we are now! From shiftless loser living in a tent to grand magistrate of consistency abiding in a palace of solitude.

I make a bigger deal out of things than is necessary. But I’m glad to be where I am. Even if I do get carried away for good or ill. My highs are astronomical, my lows are abysmal. Think I might have bipolar disorder much?

Have a good night blog. Happy living. See you tomorrow.

Churned

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Dipped in sallow hate
The swaddling, strewn reckless
Across the pin-tipped moment
Where blurred reasons ache
And tomorrow’s a tough swallow
Estranged like a beaten spouse,
Churned in the red
Begins a relapse of memory
Time and tide becoming
The veil is lifted by hours passing
Cooling in the night
Promised a better fate than this
But sinking nowhere
In forgotten dreams

Understood

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It’s the start of the week, and I’m feeling a bit murky. My thoughts keep drifting back to Jax and the things we used to do together. I am at the county pharmacy, but it’s off the same exit on the 8 west that I used to take to go pick her up from Old Towne when she worked in the San Diego House. I remember those nights sitting there in the truck and singing; waiting for her to get off work. I was always happy to see her. But things change. I guess that even then, during those happy times, I wasn’t willing to admit something could be wrong. I had staked my whole life on the success of a relationship. I bet everything on it. And it failed, and so too did I fail. Now, she’s found love again, but this time with a convicted criminal. Before the divorce was finally submitted even. And I just wonder why it all happened the way it did. All I can deduce from her division-making is that a criminal is more desirable than I am. I’m not saying that her evaluation has any clout in my mind, because I’ve long since lost the need to respect her thinking. It doesn’t help much that I may still feel lonely, but have no desire to engage in building a relationship. Just way too much to lose, and next to nothing to gain. Sex is immaterial. Trust and respect are both earned with a great deal of time. Neither thing just pops out and pays dividends without any sort of investment. This is where Jax may get into trouble, because nothing worth keeping is built in a rush. Delicate, measured steps lead to interactions which may then lead to something more. But to rush from heartbreak to love seems like a bad thing, not to mention difficult to reconcile. I wonder if she’s really happy. Somehow I doubt it. I’m probably more stable, sure footed and ready for things that may come. With all those emotions flying around, I’d be shocked if stability was one of the primary attributes. But I know nothing, so I really couldn’t tell you.

Blog, I had a productive weekend, and my body aches with fatigue and muscle strain. Nearly every section of my legs are in some sort of pain, and my back feels like someone drove two iron bars up either side of my spine. But all the boxes are gone. I have food and clean clothes after I did my laundry on Sunday. I’m basically caught-up with my moving related tasks. DirecTV came and hooked up my system. Sweet. I’m geared up for an infinite sum of NFL Sunday adventures as we get Sunday ticket for free this year. I will certainly be buying it next year, as life without it would be both bleak and sad. Haha. But another weekend is now in the books, and I’ve positioned myself for the week’s tribulations. Whatever they may be. I’m doing things right. I know that. And no matter how hard it is to think back on my past, I am always returning to my successes as a person since that meltdown. I didn’t slap-dash my life together. I built I back slowly, and with patience. Not everything goes the way we want, but that’s life. We get knocked down, we get right back up and get ready for the next one.

Too Giddy To Sleep

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I’m just so very thrilled to have slept on my bed again, and have an actual roof over my head and not a fabric canopy. It’s been quite a perilous journey getting back here, as I have mentioned in previous posts. 215 days blog, since Jax cheated on me and kicked my ass to the curb. 215 days since I lost everything, and had to retreat into healing mode. I am emotionally healthy now, not burdened with that miserable unrequited love feeling I had. My empty heart has progressed beyond the moment of suffering, in large part, thanks to the direction and insight of my therapist Margaret.

I did sleep though, from about 9 pm to 4 am. That’s 6 hours. Not bad. And my arms never fell asleep like they always did on the futon. The unforgiving 4-inch-thick flat, hard thing I laid my head down on so many a night.

I’ve brewed a pot of black coffee, and my day is off to an early start (and likely, an very early finish, probably before the end of Sunday Night Football, I reckon). I’m at peace blog. The hardest part of this whole transition was the actual move itself, which was going to incur a sum of labor over the course of a day or so, but even that went faster than I could have ever imagined. My back is stiff, and my muscles are a tad achy this morning. But I mean, yeah, I figured something like that would be in store for me.

Whatever unexpected twists and turns life has yet in store for me, I think I’m pretty much ready to handle it on my own. My only set-back has been at the hands of an emotional disturbance in my parental units, which I was the one to revert, and I was the one to suffer the emotional consequences. I won’t have that problem when I’m by myself. Who am I going to incur strife with? Me?

Anyway. Good morning. Happy Sunday. I’m about ready for some football.

 

Welcome Home Me!

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I made it to my new digs blog. I’ve unpacked (90%) and am now enjoying my first evening in my own little apartment! I have a 1 bedroom unit on the hill in lovely Spring Valley, where I will be residing permanently for the foreseeable future (which I’m hoping, is a really long time). I like the people here, and I like that I’m not in a giant complex with dozens of other tenants. this is a 4 unit house, in which I am in a fully independent apartment nestled under the main house, which is built back up into the hills. I can tell you honestly that this is the greatest little place I’ve ever tried to call my own. It is the perfect size, has nice amenities and has good landowners. I just know I’m going to have a good time here. I can tell already, with how quickly we all executed the move itself, how little time it has taken me to unpack, how wonderfully I’m enjoying not having to live outside an RV anymore.

 

I was going to post some pictures, but things are not “picture ready” quite yet. I’m still dealing with some loose items, thingies that have to be put away or altogether taken away. I have some rolled packing elastic laying around, some miscellaneous items here and there. But like I said in the intro, we’re like 90% there. I’ll be putting the finishing touches on this Sunday, and I will have my TV hooked up as well. Sweet, right?

 

So goodbye for now. I’m ecstatic, and living it up in my own place! Hooray!

Lone Bull Project, you have taken a huge leap forward in making your 1 year goal! way to go!

The Last Night On Earth

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215 days ago I lost my whole life. I came out of the mental hospital at a zero point. No wife, no apartment, no job, nothing. Ever since that day, I’ve tried to advance the cause of my independent life by accumulating minor successes. I went to every single therapy session I had an appointment for. I joined 3 support groups and went to each until I got a job. I met with my psychiatrist and diligently took my meds, every morning and every night. I tried to keep a positive outlook on things, never giving in to depression, never compromising my health. I became the top priority of my life. And tonight is my last night in the awning room. After tonight, I will have my own apartment, a bed, a real roof, and the confidence of having conducted my journey to this final day. Purgatory over.

Something critically important to my development has been the love and support of my parents. Though I am largely not understood or explored as a person, their willingness to help me get my life back has literally been the shelter by which my life regrew. And I would be NOWHERE without them. They have never given up on me, no matter the circumstances. I’m so eternally grateful for them. I can’t articulate my gratitude. It’s just huge.

So blog. After 215 days of living in a 6 foot wide tent, I’m finally out. I’m back. And I’ve had such an amazing journey, full of seemingly trivial but incremental successes. I’ve learned through all of this about how to take care of myself. How to enjoy my life fully. How to slow down and be mindful. I’ve tried to keep a regular correspondence here, and again, this blog has taken me every step of the process. From that post the day I went to the hospital, and nearly every day since. It’s all there. Plain to see.

I know now that my happiness can’t be dependent on another person, or subsist off the energy of a relationship. The core of understanding is acceptance and an open embrace of personal responsibility. These founding principles lead to happiness, because they are not derived from a delusion, a false understanding, or an act of deceit. My feelings are real. My heart is open, and I’m ready for tomorrow. Big day. Lots to do. Goodnight, and when you hear from me next, it will be from my new home. Be well.

2 Years Ago Today

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I started writing here at Neurochemically Challenged. It’s been a fairly unbelievable journey, with unexpected twists and turns. Through that two years, I’ve moved across California, got married and then divorced, got a job, lost it, and got another, AND will have moved into two apartments. Dude. And I’ve been ruler of my destiny, then petty straggler at the race of life. An amazing sum of change has transpired. I can’t say I’ve wholly enjoyed the experience. I’ve suffered with tremendous heartache and loss, while sampling the idea of joy. I can’t say honestly that I ever settled in or became truly content. I had no idea what I would really truly need in order to succeed in happiness. I had hopes that became delusions. I had memories which now burn like fire in the back of my mind. The future holds both doom and promise, with an indiscriminate sense of selection. What more can I say? I have rebuilt, destroyed, and rebuilt again. Each time, a new iteration with the hope of stability. I don’t know what’s coming next. And neither do you. That’s why we watch.

Blog. I’ve had many a vent-session and many a dark, foreboding poem. This is, after all, the unfiltered thought-faucet of an idiot savant. Preparing yourself for insane nattering is almost certainly needed.

Be well travelers. Goodnight. And happy second birthday.

No Pot

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I’ve officially off the pot. As I am moving into my new apartment pretty soon, I’d think it prudent to eject any activity that could upset the balance. The risk far outweighs the need in this circumstance. Frankly, I’m a recreational user, not so in to it that it’s fundamental or needed. So after using for nearly 6 months straight, I’ve stopped cold and had zero issues. It’s there, I do it, because it’s fun and a social thing. But in my spare time? As though I would take time out of the day to do it? No, not likely. Even if it were hunky-dory, I doubt I’d do it alone. It’s not any fun alone. Being part of the scene is a part of smoking, and if there’s no one around to talk to, all the social benefits of the drug are utterly lost.

So that’s happening. And I doubt I’ll be looking back. I’ve done this before, stopping cigarettes cold turkey. Not really a problem. I never relapsed out of a desire to do it. If I went back to it, I tried it for a while, and then gave up on it shortly thereafter. And coffee, which I genuinely enjoy, I could stop at any time. It’s just how I’m wired. I have no difficulty with that aspect of things.

A busy day at work today. I handled 37 calls today, but some of those were calls I made internally to the collections queue to get a few things done. I can’t print installation or equipment only invoices, so I have to go ask a collector to do it for me. Not a big deal methinks, but the collectors log themselves out of Zeacom so that they don’t have to take my call. Nice, right? Can’t answer the call if you’re not logged in to the program. But eventually someone helps me. Daniel is usually my go-to guy. I got some positive feedback at work today. Mike complimented me on my upsell at the end of my calls, only because I’m trying to kill two birds with one stone. If they need something, get it done for them now, rather than waiting until they’re desperate and need it in a rush and we won’t be able to do that. So thinking ahead is rewarded, apparently. I’m doing well. Trying my best, as usual.

 

Two more days in temporary land. Soon, the fruit of the tree shall be plucked, and it’s flavor enjoyed. Ok. Or something. How about: I’m pretty excited about all of this change, and I think this is for a really good reason that my life become finally situated in a place where it has a chance to level-off and be consistent. I yearn for stability. A lot of the things I have done so far have lead me to this point, and I am indeed happy to be here. I get sad, as evidenced by earlier posts. I get haunted by the darkness from time to time. But this is not Sparta. This is my life, and I don’t want to be kicked down a giant hole. Boo to that.

 

At any rate, I’m about to sit down for a fun fantasy football chat with my little sister. I’ll catch you guys later.