Understood

It’s the start of the week, and I’m feeling a bit murky. My thoughts keep drifting back to Jax and the things we used to do together. I am at the county pharmacy, but it’s off the same exit on the 8 west that I used to take to go pick her up from Old Towne when she worked in the San Diego House. I remember those nights sitting there in the truck and singing; waiting for her to get off work. I was always happy to see her. But things change. I guess that even then, during those happy times, I wasn’t willing to admit something could be wrong. I had staked my whole life on the success of a relationship. I bet everything on it. And it failed, and so too did I fail. Now, she’s found love again, but this time with a convicted criminal. Before the divorce was finally submitted even. And I just wonder why it all happened the way it did. All I can deduce from her division-making is that a criminal is more desirable than I am. I’m not saying that her evaluation has any clout in my mind, because I’ve long since lost the need to respect her thinking. It doesn’t help much that I may still feel lonely, but have no desire to engage in building a relationship. Just way too much to lose, and next to nothing to gain. Sex is immaterial. Trust and respect are both earned with a great deal of time. Neither thing just pops out and pays dividends without any sort of investment. This is where Jax may get into trouble, because nothing worth keeping is built in a rush. Delicate, measured steps lead to interactions which may then lead to something more. But to rush from heartbreak to love seems like a bad thing, not to mention difficult to reconcile. I wonder if she’s really happy. Somehow I doubt it. I’m probably more stable, sure footed and ready for things that may come. With all those emotions flying around, I’d be shocked if stability was one of the primary attributes. But I know nothing, so I really couldn’t tell you.

Blog, I had a productive weekend, and my body aches with fatigue and muscle strain. Nearly every section of my legs are in some sort of pain, and my back feels like someone drove two iron bars up either side of my spine. But all the boxes are gone. I have food and clean clothes after I did my laundry on Sunday. I’m basically caught-up with my moving related tasks. DirecTV came and hooked up my system. Sweet. I’m geared up for an infinite sum of NFL Sunday adventures as we get Sunday ticket for free this year. I will certainly be buying it next year, as life without it would be both bleak and sad. Haha. But another weekend is now in the books, and I’ve positioned myself for the week’s tribulations. Whatever they may be. I’m doing things right. I know that. And no matter how hard it is to think back on my past, I am always returning to my successes as a person since that meltdown. I didn’t slap-dash my life together. I built I back slowly, and with patience. Not everything goes the way we want, but that’s life. We get knocked down, we get right back up and get ready for the next one.

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