Another Belt-Notch

It’s the end of another day blog, and I’ve been released from the 40+ call madness that had ensnared me earlier in the week. Today was a much more reasonable sum in the 30s, which does not have me feeling like I need to slither between the sheets and call it a day. I had a long day though, starting at 6:00 am sharp and to therapy before I clocked in. I had a great session with Margaret today, and we were covering an issue that has me pausing for thought: am I going to make it out here on my own? I know that sounds pretty silly, but truly, I’m unsure of myself, because I’ve never once been successful at this independence thing. I’ve had my shots, and blown them for one reason or another. And now, I’m apprehensive, because I don’t know if I will fall victim to an insurmountable sum of loneliness, or if I’m going to be ok without much human contact. I have friends at work, but they’re not the caliber that I would value or consider adding to my inner-circle. Margaret and I talked a lot about my “standards” and “convictions.” I have minimum standards for friendships or even relationships in general, which I know now MUST be met in order to proceed. In my past relationships, I was willing to compromise my standards for the sake of love, or lust, or whatever poor secondary factor. I compromised and I grew to dislike my partners, and I didn’t want to be with them after a while, because they were not the kind of person I had assumed they would be. In reality, this tangent of thinking will almost certainly alienate me from 95% of the world, but that’s a fact I have to be fully ok with. I’ve tried to go the other way, and look where it got me? I said: well, she’ll change as we get older… and that was only sorta right. She did change, but not in a good way, and not in a way that would have worked. They all did, and frankly, I hated myself for my decision to be with them. I used to mutilate myself, tear my flesh open, because I think I was suffering, deep in my mind, I was fundamentally unhappy. I know now that If I’m going to get close with someone, anyone, it will have to be on my terms. And 95% of you have now tuned me out, but in this one-man project, I’m the executive, not you. I’d rather be alone, than suffering silently with you.

 

So I have to come to grips with my state, and accept that I will need to find a way to make myself happy. I will have to be an automaton; fully self-sustaining, independent, and dictator over my nation. I don’t have a choice blog. I really don’t. If I value myself, my beliefs, my views, my standards, I must hold firm to them, and respect that my word is the only word that counts. It’s all about me now, and I am going to have to find a way to hold myself up despite unforeseen obstacles. It’s a challenge I am eagerly looking to prove to myself that I can take on. I’ve got this. See you all later.

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3 thoughts on “Another Belt-Notch

  1. I hope I don’t dound too crude here. But we’re all alone. All on our own. Anyone we meet is our attempt to fill the void. Love is a powerful glue, and reality is a strong solvent. You’ve made it this far on your own, you can make it to the day you end up pushing daisies.

    • Not crude at all, just frank. And I agree with you. I’ve had a hard time learning that lesson through the years, but I think I have a better understanding of what I need to survive, and what I don’t need.

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