Blued

I have some sad Jax related thoughts in my head. Memories triggered by my driving to the corner gas station by where we used to live. It doesn’t have much baring on anything, but I remember how good it felt to be in love, how passionate and pure it can be. To be honest, it doesn’t have much else going for it. But I am currently not loved by anyone, nor done grieving from the last encounter with it. The idea of wanting it back isn’t very real or strong, but there is an emptiness in me where I once was in love. But that’s the trick: it ropes you into commitment with a ton of up-front emotions, then fades over time. The newness of love becomes (hopefully) the strength of dedication. But that comes not as a welcome transition but rather more like starvation; the body yearning for a fire that has long since gone out. I find that we forget the full path of choosing partners because we become lost in the feelings that hit first; the instant-gratification of being in love. I have also come to observe what happens after that fire starts to grow into an ember. It requires nurturing and patience to get it back to where it is still warm. I have not the time or inclination to do right by love, and to treat it with the respect it deserves. Maybe I will again someday, but I do respect the severity of my next encounter with love, in that I can’t afford to screw around with it like I have in the past. Everything now depends on my stability, and for that reason alone will I steer clear of love. For now.

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