I’m at the end of another day blog, and I’m not quite as exhausted as I was yesterday. I’ve been thinking though about how very important putting my mental illness first has been. I live my life by a set of disciplines, keeping to my daily dosages of medications, never missing one, going to every scheduled psychiatry or psychology appointment given me, and keeping a good tab on what is going on in my mind. This blog has been a huge part of my ongoing success, as it gives me a place to express my thoughts and sometimes rant about this or that, as opposed to keeping my inner-dialogue a secret and burying it in my brain somewhere. I’m able to cope with sadness, struggle through negative moments, or even sessions of complete collapse, when it seems as though there is no hope at all. Since that final weekend in the awning room, I have been on a steady, stable path, with nothing left to perturb me from my consistency. I feel things, sure, sometimes terrible things, things that choke and clot in my throat and force out the tears, but is this doom? Is this even abnormal? I bet I have a better handle on myself than most people do. I doubt many deliberate as deeply as I do about the (seemingly) random whims of my emotional state. I think it’s a neglected art, one that goes totally unappreciated in modern culture, where men (especially) are the heads of their households, stern, unwavering, callous even. It’s the “don’t cry, rub some dirt on it and get back out there” mentality. I find it pervades the icons and cultural stigma surrounding my gender, and it’s largely deserved… I tend to think my much different perspective is in the minority. I don’t talk to anyone but you about these issues. Consolation is not common in my gender. It’s best that I continue to appear a bastion of strength rather than a flounder of feelings.
I’ve come to appreciate the struggle of life, which is not an easy thing to say. I have only myself to look after, for a good long while. Will I ever get back in the game? Maybe, but I’m so very far from even wanting that in a concrete way. The prospect of casual sex is unappealing as well, but still achievable if some need were to drive it. I just don’t see why it’s necessary, at the current juncture. I don’t live and die by sex like I used to. I used to think it was a HUGE part of any successful relationship, and when it dies, so to does the closeness, and so does the relationship on a total level. Sex is supposed to be an expression of vulnerability and closeness, and trust. But it’s not for causal tinkering, I have learned through trial and error. But that’s why we do things. It gets the guesswork out of hypothesis and puts a real experiment to the test. Logical much? Yes, it’s true, but don’t I really have to be? Considering the sorts of messes I have got myself into in the past, I’d rather over-think it than under. Life is all about experiments. We don’t just fucking NAIL IT with a guess, and have it work out for the long-term. Nothing planned in haste is worth doing, as these sorts of things present huge complications when factors not thought of at the onset are then revealed, and the ensuing badness implied.
So tonight I’m appreciating my “stick to it” attitude, my long term goals, and my current state of mind. I’m in a healthy, prosperous place, and I’m looking at dragging home more than double my rent on the month as of the 20th. I’m safe and secure, and prospering in a healthy state of mind. I am forming good habits, staying true to my mental health as the priority, and enjoying every minute of my life. I’m doing fantastic blog, thanks for asking! I’m at the point I thought I could never get back to, from the point of total destruction. 7 months ago, I had no job, no home, no wife, no hope. Slowly, in incremental steps, I started to climb back. I got a divorce, leaving the problems Jax brought into my world behind. I got healthy, started losing weight (nearly 40 pounds to date), started on new medications and took them every day, twice a day. I got myself a career job, with locked-in success as long as I continued to apply myself. I landed the perfect apartment, in a safe, stable place. And to top it all off, I got a raise, making my goal of self-sustainability a reality. I did all this with the help of my family, and their unending support. I also did this for myself, because I can’t be happy living a substandard life. I am driven, ambitious and constantly improving. I will continue to strive for my safe, independent life for as long as I possibly can. Blog, things have clicked into place, and the stress of not knowing has been lifted from me. I can’t tell you enough how good it feels to have done all this. It’s the greatest comeback victory in my whole life. I did it blog. And now, we’re here.
Have a great night you guys. It’s another day tomorrow.