Guts

I’ve been struggling HARD in the morning as I think the Geodon is sedating me even after food (protein) and oodles of coffee. I even went out and bought a tall cup right before my shift, and it didn’t matter. I was on the verge of calling it a day, but held strong. I have to… I can’t afford to go home because I’m extraordinarily drowsy. But I was close. Avoided it as it tends to wear off after 12 or so. But I was desperate today, and I think staying up late last night AND drinking an entire 22oz bottle didn’t help my Thursday slog.

I miss her laugh, the way her smile could fill a whole room, the caress of her kiss. I got to wondering how long it’s going to be before I ever get a kiss like that again. Songs that come on over the overhead speaker system are reminding me of sad things sometimes. I didn’t go from one relationship to another right away; I don’t have new love to distract me from old pain. And that’s (logically) a good thing, because I don’t want to mess up what I have going for me. I’m somewhat afraid that a relationship would do that, or at least throw a monkey in the wrench of my emotions.

But I can’t help thinking about her. Sometimes I really miss my ex, and thus causes me temporary suffering. But it’s not the end. It’s only a new beginning, and I’m just starting to gain ground in this vastly-different-than-before direction I’ve taken my life. I’m proud of what I have managed to do, with the help of family and friends. I see stuff on Facebook about people going through hard times, self inflicted mind you, and I am kinda proud by comparison. I’ve had some fuck-ups, but I haven’t spoiled my potential at all. I continue to push my life in a positive, progressive manner. I don’t settle for substandard conditions, I vie to improve them.

It’s not all pom-poms and cheers either. I suffer. Not terribly, but it budges me from my path. Noticeably sometimes. I have no where else to go with these feelings but here, as I would be baring my soul in therapy but it’s still 6 days away. You are my record-keeper and my silent confidant, and for that I am grateful. I don’t present the story of like you to see, I lay out reality for everyone to view, without alteration or fabrication. It’s what I’m feeling/doing, and if I can’t even be honest about THAT then I’m really in trouble. Deceit begets disaster. Lesson learned MUCH earlier than most out there, who have no reservations about lying.

Goodnight blog. I need some solid rest to get ready for this last day of work for the week. Hooray for Fridays.

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