I’m crying. For having done next to nothing all day it sure has taken a toll on me. I’m feeling unquenchably alone, and unwillingly so. Everyone who has ever been close to me has left. At some point, the truth of my undesirable disposition becomes apparent. It’s these times where I struggle; thinking back on all the personal failures of my life. I’ve had many opportunities to be happy with someone else, and they’ve all come unraveled.
Blog, I try to keep my head on straight about these feelings. But sometimes I just break down; I lose sight of the good and become immersed in negativity. Being at work lifts me, and drains me simultaneously. It’s a net gain, but I knew something was wrong today. I was in a funk and I haven’t been able to lift myself out of it at all. Now we’ve come to the low, and the bottom of the grade is here. Even as I write this, my sad little tears are drying. I haven’t talked to anyone today. I’ve been almost totally silent. I put on some music, but I couldn’t sing. I just didn’t feel the music at all. My fingertips are numb and my face is straining underneath a frown.
I’m expecting a call from Ray my MHS case worker. He’s still working on making sure I’m doing ok, even though my 90 days at Mood have already passed. So there’s that.
I’m calling it quits for today. I took my nighttime meds and I’m not leaving my warm bed for any reason. I just want to go to sleep so this terrible feeling will go through me and let me be. It’s never that easy. I have only the internal dialogue of pessimism and slanted arguments to contend with. Blah. My sadness is fleeting, which is why I’m resigning.
I know I’m not fundamentally sad. I am occasionally haunted, which is not very fun when it happens. It comes with the territory of being who I am. I wish I could be normal, and have someone, and not be ripped apart by it all. Maybe companionship is just not possible for me. Who knows?
Well. It’s been an uneventful but dreadful day of what was supposed to be rest, and what has turned out to be remorse. Tomorrow is another day.