So I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I can no longer drink alcohol, as this substance ruins my mood and upsets my stomach. My parents came over today to watch football, but I was not having a good time after I drank the beer my mom brought. I made matters worse by then drinking an entire pot of coffee (albeit, in an effort to stay awake for them). Needless to say, the drowsiness brought on by the beer has thoroughly won, and all that remains is a gurgle of unhappiness. So beer, at long last I am done with you.
Lesson learned. I was up at 3 this morning, and I’ve struggled with exhaustion all day, coming to this point of total collapse. It’s not my bed time yet, but I see no likelihood in my remaining conscious beyond this afternoon. A disappointing football day followed by a less than friendly chemical war in my stomach.
But what can you do? I tried to make the best of it, and I failed. Things happen. My upset stomach will pass. My fatigue will be cured by rest, and tomorrow is a new and exciting week as a regular employee. Huzzah. I’m looking forward to starting, and hammering out the hours as a member of the team officially. I have had my rest, and now it’s time to get after it. And I can do that.
Blog, I know things are moving along. I’m more certain than ever that companionship is not a good road for me. All my attempts to reach out to others have ended in my enthusiasm being ignored. I’m not going to fall in love with anyone. I’m not even remotely interested in the prospect. So why all the attempts to reach out and meet someone? Am I even slightly inclined? Frankly the whole line of thinking is flawed. I don’t even want it. So why beat myself up over not having it? It’s probably a lot more trouble than it is reward. And the emotional energy it takes to keep a relationship alive and healthy is not a commitment I’m interested in making. I have so many good things going on in my new life; I wouldn’t put that at risk for anyone else. With all my efforts driving me to keep myself balanced and healthy, I don’t have enough left over to make anything work. I could just wing it, but why? To say that I got over Jax by getting a new relationship? Or that somehow we were racing to see who could be happiest first? It all seems like rather petty motivations for such a life-altering thing.
It’s nice though, this life I have. Perhaps not when I have nuked my system with chemicals, but good for the most part and definitely headed in the right direction. I still have many things to look forward to. I’m in the rather boring business of living life for myself, and doing the same thing for a long time. I sometimes scare myself: thinking I don’t have enough sanity to keep my head out of trouble, or that I will somehow blow it and lose my life again like I have in the past. But these fears are unsubstantiated. I can go back into my past and say: look, here’s the point where I lost it, and understand why it happened. It’s not 100% because I lost control. Other people have s huge influence on me, and can greatly accelerate my deterioration. I’m currently thinking: without anyone else to poison my well, will I do it to myself, or will I be ok?
I’m pretty tired. I think 12 hours of rest is an order. Goodnight to all these mixed thoughts, and you.