Hanging On

I had a constructive session with Margaret today. She called me “one of my shining star clients,” which I was flattered by. We talked a lot about my other therapist Robert, who I liked but was not very honest with about my marriage. I had started seeing him before I even got together with Jax and I slowly deteriorated on his watch. Now, we must remember that I was misconstruing the truth that things were in a bad way. I was hurting myself and spiraling down. Not good. But he never knew because I never told him the truth. A truth I would have been unable to see anyway, as I was right in it, and had no perspective. I can’t address the problem if I won’t even acknowledge that there is one. Right?

So we went over my downfall, hospitalization, and slow recovery from that point. I started working with Margaret shortly thereafter, and things have been slowly climbing back up the slope. I just had SO FAR to go from that starting point. I was determined though, and clearly that has paid off. I’m in a better way than I have been in years.

So the client plan is done, but I have to go back tomorrow because I forgot to sign it. No big deal. Extra 15 minute car ride. Today has felt fast, but I know it’s actually slow. I’m so glad I’m not in a relationship with Jax anymore. I had a chance today to remember all the bullshit she used to pull. Like ignoring my opinions when it ran up against something she wanted. Or the constant delinquency of attention and the complacency with things like her health and mental illness. I have since realized that I was more like a parent than a partner, always trying to bring her ridiculous fantasies about stupid shit back down to earth. The girl just had no idea about what was really important. Things like motorcycles, piercings and more tattoos were a priority. Sigh. Well, at least I know now that I’m far more practical and less outrageous than most people. I’m concerned with really fundamental issues, not insane random dreams or inclinations.

I’m genuinely happy to be on my own. I make the rules, and I have only myself to blame if things were to go poorly. I vastly prefer it that way. She was never really onboard with what it meant to be married. And grown up. I still think she probably wants to be someone’s boss, like I was in our relationship. Like I tried to be until she would rebel and disagree with me. Ah yes, good times when I was utterly ignored or not taken seriously.

So a lot of stuff came up with Margaret. But all in all, it only reassured me that what I was doing was right for me. And that was a good affirmation of my actions thus far. I hope your day is as thought-provoking as mine has been. Take care.

**UPDATE 3:50 pm**

Dinner is cancelled due to Angi’s popularity. Just too busy today. So I’m going to have yet another quiet night. I appreciate this blog being a receptacle for my conflicted feelings. More often than before, I try to express them and give them life beyond being just a thought in my head. This takes them from irrelevancy to permanence, and after, they don’t hang on me as much. But I still have upwellings. I’m just learning that expression is a fantastic way to cope.

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5 thoughts on “Hanging On

  1. ” I appreciate this blog being a receptacle for my conflicted feelings. More often than before, I try to express them and give them life beyond being just a thought in my head. This takes them from irrelevancy to permanence, and after, they don’t hang on me as much. But I still have upwellings. I’m just learning that expression is a fantastic way to cope.”

    This speaks to me so much. It really is strange how much my anxiety or sadness will be eased by writing down my thoughts, even if they are rambunctious and all over the place. I don’t really understand why it works, but it really does!

    • Hey Sasha, thank you. I appreciate that. I’ve had this blog since October of 2012, and I haven’t always been honest with it I must say. I’ve tried by best, nevertheless, to always express what’s going on in my head, in order to give those thoughts a place to live other than in my mind. I don’t always have something nice to say, but I’m still trying to be as real as I can be. Of late, I’ve tried to be unrelentingly honest because of how far I have been let down by my actions and mistakes. I want to learn, not suffer indefinitely. So this blog is really my last stand, my bastion of hope, my eternal listening place, and a historical document detailing a slow spiral into depression, a near fatal disintegration, and the ongoing journey to rebuild from there.

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