Agenda

I never really thought I’d come to lean on this blog the way I am. In my bland little life, this place has remained my solace, a historical document that transcends its original intent. I thought: “well, I’ll make a post every once and a while and try and keep up with it.” But what I did not know is how important writing out my thoughts was going to become in my mental health journey. When no one is around to hear me, I still have a chance to express myself (however flawed, delusional or otherwise off-base) without inhibition. This process, and my commitment to being honest, have been an unforeseen aid in a deep and perturbing history of doing battle with my mental illness. I have tried (and failed) to be honest with you, and I continue to pursue that goal. What good is this place as a therapeutic tool if I don’t at least try to be real with myself? I gain nothing by puffing myself up on lies. Lately, I’ve escalated the use of this blog as a live streaming literary documentary encapsulating my demise, and subsequent reconstruction from the rubble of my former reality. I’ve worked SO VERY HARD, and have real tangible rewards in (namely) freedom. I’m going to continue using this place to help me through this new chapter in my life, of which I am very proud. I don’t have an easy road, but it’s mine and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

500+ followers over the last few years says a lot. I’m clearly not full of shit or otherwise hoping you’ll participate in my delusion. My life can be hard, unrelenting, ugly, even. But I own it, every mercurial step of it. So from the bottom of my cold, dead heart, I thank you all for choosing to be here with me. I’ve got nothing to give you but my insane, unfiltered life. I guess it must be worth watching. You keep following, more and more as the days go by.

Thanks again. And be well, travelers.

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8 thoughts on “Agenda

  1. I’m proud of you! :) and there is no way your heart is cold and dead! If it were you wouldn’t struggle with emotional problems like you do! You’re heart feels more than most and that is the problem! I know because I have the same problem! Then I build a big wall surrounded by another wall to keep it safe.

    • I hear you. I’m 7 months removed from a divorce (my second) and have been rather critical of myself in the time since. I know now that I really must try to stand alone, and harden my heart some against a largely unforgiving world. I am very emotional, you put your finger right on the spot. And I have a lot to learn from your example. I will learn, and I will move beyond my past, as I have already started down that road. Thank you for commenting Sasha. I’d really like it if we could be friends, as there are lots of benefits in getting to know you better. I could learn a thing or two from your example. And your 90 day challenge is a lot like my Lone Bull Project, which kills me that you wanted to extend your challenge to 365 days. My project was started March 12th and runs for exactly one year, upon which I can complete the project, of renew it for another year. But with the kind of progress I’ve made this year, it may not be renewed. I have met almost all my goals except losing 75 pounds. I’m at 30, with some major work ahead of me. So thanks for your attention, and consideration.

      • We can definitely be friends! I think that it would be a mutually beneficial relatiinship. I think we have plenty to learn from each other. And if it makes you feel better I totally blew my diet out of the water with brunch today! :)

      • Hahaha that’s so funny about your diet, I’m taking a day off of mine as well. I should have packed a lunch but did not. I do believe we cam go far by sharing, understanding and learning. I’m thankful to have someone to chat with. Very. So thanks, and have a great day.

      • Well we got a cooking class with out stay and we made a ton of food! Crêpes, French toast, eggs Benedict, turnovers, and a cheese and egg tart! It was worth every bite though lol I appreciate having a chatting buddy as well :) Have a good day as well!

      • Wow that sounds amazing. And we do need to indulge from time to time to keep from going crazy. Everyone deserves a break. Hehe. Are you back home at this point? If not, hope you continue to have a fiun adventure.

      • It’s a eight/nine hour drive. We are in the process of making the trek now! I’m not driving yet, which is nice! But I’ll have to do the longer leg :/ I’ll survive though!

      • Cool. Driving such long distances can be a chore. I used to drive from Santa Barbara (where I used to live) to Sacramento (where my parents used to live), which is about an 8 hour drive north. And the central valley of California is desolate, flat and nearly treeless the whole way. Not an eventful drive, needless to say. So I get you. Safe journeys, regardless.

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