Outlook

Hello again. I’ve decided to try and do away with the rants of frustration I sometimes find myself posting here. Problem being that ranting about things that bother me do not address the things themselves. I’m all about solving, not complaining. My solution to those feelings of frustration will now look more like an internal release rather than an external excretion.

I used to harp on addressing issues so that they stop becoming a nuisance. But lately I’ve found myself slipping back into a pattern of complaining about things but not resolving the core issue generating it. So I’m going to try an internally let go of my problems as they arise. Giving them life here on the blog is not a good idea. They achieve a status I don’t want them to have, and they aren’t fun to read, and accomplish nothing. So we’re taking the high road on this one. I’m going to need to learn how to tolerate unpleasantness without venting it somewhere. And this seems like a good idea, as I’m going to need to improve all forms of coping skill in order to get through my life. It’s a step I should have made a while ago. It’s hard to make internal decisions like that though, especially when there’s no one around to reflect back at me.

Onward and upward I say. Time to institute a better way of handling the frustrating aspects of life. I can manage that in a healthy and constructive way. I may falter, but at least the blog will henceforth be free of needless ranting. I will still need to talk about my down times, but I don’t need to be barfing my woes to you on a regular basis. Wish me luck.

Wild World – Cat Stevens

Now that I’ve lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it’s breakin’ my heart you’re leavin’
Baby, I’m grievin’
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do
And it’s breakin’ my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don’t be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware

Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware

Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl

Agenda

I never really thought I’d come to lean on this blog the way I am. In my bland little life, this place has remained my solace, a historical document that transcends its original intent. I thought: “well, I’ll make a post every once and a while and try and keep up with it.” But what I did not know is how important writing out my thoughts was going to become in my mental health journey. When no one is around to hear me, I still have a chance to express myself (however flawed, delusional or otherwise off-base) without inhibition. This process, and my commitment to being honest, have been an unforeseen aid in a deep and perturbing history of doing battle with my mental illness. I have tried (and failed) to be honest with you, and I continue to pursue that goal. What good is this place as a therapeutic tool if I don’t at least try to be real with myself? I gain nothing by puffing myself up on lies. Lately, I’ve escalated the use of this blog as a live streaming literary documentary encapsulating my demise, and subsequent reconstruction from the rubble of my former reality. I’ve worked SO VERY HARD, and have real tangible rewards in (namely) freedom. I’m going to continue using this place to help me through this new chapter in my life, of which I am very proud. I don’t have an easy road, but it’s mine and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

500+ followers over the last few years says a lot. I’m clearly not full of shit or otherwise hoping you’ll participate in my delusion. My life can be hard, unrelenting, ugly, even. But I own it, every mercurial step of it. So from the bottom of my cold, dead heart, I thank you all for choosing to be here with me. I’ve got nothing to give you but my insane, unfiltered life. I guess it must be worth watching. You keep following, more and more as the days go by.

Thanks again. And be well, travelers.

Hours

Spinning fingers fly
The canvas of unfurling time
Who’s artistic touch–
Bends the world, breaking
A sickness, run deep in the mind
Uncured by lies
Regarded yet despised
The shadow of her past still lingers
Progress stopped in hate
Hours, days dwelling
Incumbent of pain
A moment is passing slowly
Haste, lost its way
Pages, falling scrambled
Words crumbling
Memories burn in the din
Simple seconds go by
The chapter being done.

Promised a new sunrise
Saying goodbye to unforgiving night
Transition beckoning
A day, a lifetime of regret–
Pressing the iron of years
Futilely struggling
Passively prevailing
Another way is chosen
And on it goes

Temper

I don’t think I want to rant about old stuff. The past is gone and means nothing for the future. I’m happier now than I have been in many years, and I’ve made huge strides in being (by my own evaluation) a better person. The past is dead. The future is now, and I’m glad for where my life has brought me. Everything, even pain, is a learning experience. And I’ve done a lot of learning.

So I’m sorry about that rant, if you happened to see it before I took it down. There’s no reason to reiterate the obvious. My life is mine to live, and no one stands between me and my future. I hope your day takes a positive upturn, as mine has. Be well travelers.

**UPDATE 1:00 pm**

Thanks for putting up with my temper. I really have no cause to feel cross. I’m trying me best to be introspective, but sometimes I dig up unpleasant stuff and that can be not fun. In truth, I’m doing fine. I have a lot of genuinely great things going for me, and I can’t be thankful enough for the life I have been given. It’s been nearly 10 years since I felt do situated and in control of my destiny. All I have to do here is continue to apply myself and I will surely go far. I appreciate your positive responses. Thanks.

As a side note: I’m especially proud of my willpower. I’m choosing not to spiral down into poor eating habits. No junk food, no sugar, no bad stuff. All around me at work people eat fast food and candy all day long, and I usually eat my mayo-less sandwich in my truck alone. It’s alright. I’d much rather be healthy then deal with the long-term consequences of eating poorly. But surrounding me is temptation, that I have been able to challenge myself to resist. I stopped marijuana, sugar and alcohol. I’m on the path towards a better state, and I thank you for coming along with me. Have a super day.

**UPDATE 3:00 pm**

I have a headache right now. Trying to drown it in coffee but that isn’t working. I really should go shopping today but I don’t think I’m going to. I didn’t plan well today and ended up with no lunch. I have no excuses, just not doing enough to get my show together. I could have gone out for a sandwich at lunchtime but meh. It’s pretty boring in my world. I don’t need all the shiny parts of life to keep me going. I can live on a bare minimum of nourishment and don’t have a need for constant entertainment. But that’s always been my MO. I’m a thinker and a dreamer, and I procure my own imaginative wanderings to pass the time. I’m happier not being a sheep amidst the flock. It solidifies my solidarity, but that’s fine by me. Others are a liability. And an unnecessary risk. Things are moving right along. Can’t complain. Be well.

**UPDATE 4:15 pm**

So dead around here. I’m getting like one call every 20 minutes. I keep thinking about my past, my regrets. But then I wonder what the hell good that does me. I don’t benefit from wishing something that did happen, shouldn’t have. I guess things are going so well for me that I’m scared like something terrible may come along and derail my party train. Jacqueline is supposed to come over this week, and I’ve been getting a lot of attention from my friends, who call to check in on me. I’m feeling the love blog. I should continue doing this, my life, much in the way I have been, which had spurned my most recent streak of unprecedented success. I’m happy inside blog. I talk to myself over the weekends and laugh at my own jokes. It’s not pathetic, I think, but endearing. I’m a big fan of who I am, and I don’t need anyone’s approval to go on being myself. I have been listening to the Pointer Sisters this last few days. Because “Neutron Dance” has been my secret theme song. I’m done updating this post for today. Bai.

It Begins Anew

It’s Monday morning and I’m about ready to walk into work. It was a nice weekend, not too hectic, not too boring. I got over the emotional wear and tear of the week pretty fast, and feel very well rested and content. That dream I had last night was so insane I had to stop everything and write about it. I guess my very fiction-oriented mind can create multiple tangents of strange logic and twisted storytelling for me to follow. I’ve had vivid dreams like that before. Sometimes I feel like I glimpse the core of some distant truth in those nightly adventures, but having no way to substantiate my dreams, I tend to just let them go.

I have a positive outlook on my week. I’m in a good frame of mind to (no doubt) be posed new challenges both mental and emotional. Also, I get to go shopping for myself sometime this week, though it’s really only breakfast and lunch stuff I need. I have a massive amount of frozen meat to go through before I’m officially “out” of things to eat. My healthy living log should come in handy when the time comes. Probably after work sometime this week.

I hope you had a nice weekend. I went 2-0 in my fantasy football leagues this week, bumping my work record to 7-1 and pulling myself back up to .500 in the family league at 4-4. I’m currently the 4th seed if the playoffs started today. Next week I might be getting A.J. Green back which would be a huge boost to my potential. And Megatron will be back for weeks 10-17, just in time for the postseason push. I know the World Series is happening but I could really care less about baseball. It’s a one-dimensional sport, and not nearly as exciting as the NFL.

I hope you all have a good week as well. I’m bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready for calamity to strike me back into humility. Yorf.

**UPDATE 3:40 pm**

What a zooming day. I’m already here? Really? I feel like I just got here. I’ve been highly productive today. I published more tasks to Oracle than I ever have before in one sitting, and I did it all right. As far as I can tell. Hope your day doesn’t make your head spin off its axis. Bai.

The Flight Of The Navigator

I’ve had the most amazing dream. At first there were four of us, and we were all friends somehow before the visitors made their first appearance. I think maybe we were never intended to know the truth. Aliens from another world, another time saw us though. We felt them. But time passed after the first encounter. I tried to convince Jax that we had to do everything we could to get back to them. We had to pack up our lives and go back to find them at whatever cost. One of the original four was devious and a cheat, and he wanted to exploit as his primary objective, so they shut off his kidneys and let his body die. Jax fought with me, said I was ruining our life, and she yelled that she hated me. A literal chasm developed in the floor of our bedroom, and I took what I needed and fled to the woods. She came looking for me, but only to get more angry with me. She killed herself instead of coming with me to find answers.

So there were only three of us, and we worked together in a high security facility somehow connected to the first encounter. We used our access to gather clues. I was determined to face the visitors again. And on that final night, we executed our plan to go back to the rendezvous point. And the authorities were closing in, knowing too late what we were up to. They were waiting for us. And just before we were captured, they took us with them in their silver spaceship.

I get the feeling this being had taken a liking to us, and interactions between us and the visitors were hallucinated scenes, sometimes another traveler in an recognizable barren desert, sometimes just a voice or strange objects which seemed to defy reason. Like glass that melts in your hand like water. Or vials filled with fluid with strange words printed on them. But we all were onboard their ship traveling to who knows where. There was difficulty, since the gulf of understanding between our two beings was so vast, we got the feeling that we would never be able to directly interface with our hosts. Time has no meaning to them. They can move into any parallel reality, on a whim.

The alien who had taken the three of us had then been ordered to put us back. So they dropped us into an ideal reality, one where we would want for nothing. But I couldn’t stay there, not after having touched the edge of understanding. I questioned that reality they put me in. I begged to be taken back. We all did. Our minds were open now, and we didn’t belong back in a closed world. I saw my friends again back on the silver spaceship. We talked some about what we had each seen. Then they began to age before my eyes, their bodies were moving in an out of time and space. I watched them blend into one being, who I knew then to be our host, and I finally had my chance to ask him questions. It was clear we could not be put back on Earth. We didn’t belong there anymore. Something about seeing these aliens had changed us forever. There was only the vast unknown of the universe stretching out before us. And we were all going out into that vast unknown together. With a benevolent guide who was just as fascinated by us as we were by him. We headed out into the stars, together.

My dream ended there.