I’m taking a sick day today. I was on my way to work when I realized that there was something wrong with my brain and I wasn’t safe to continue driving. Not sure if staying up really late last night set me off, but I need a day to get my chemicals back into balance. I felt like I was doped up on medication; like I couldn’t gain any awareness of my surroundings. So this will happen from time to time. Not a big deal, and thankfully I can miss a day and not be unfortunately behind when I return. My work doesn’t pile up when I’m out.
Other than my neurochemestry being out of whack, I’m doing fine. I was getting depressed yesterday being alone in the house so I went over to see my aunt and uncle. I had dinner with them and that was nice. I needed to be around someone. All that sitting and watching and talking to no one kinda wore me down and made me lonely. But I had fun. And ate a tasty enchilada.
So chalk this one up to a chemical day. Things like this are bound to happen when you have a mood disorder. Believe it or not, but brain chemistry is pretty critical to existence.
**UPDATE 11:30 am**
Still out of it. I’m trying to do things, but I can’t stay focused on any one task. I picked up my parent’s mail which I had been meaning to do for a while. Trying to take it easy, but I feel just so fidgetafied. Can’t explain it. Part of my brain wants to shut down and go to sleep. The other part is running at full speed. Just gotta wait this one out.
**UPDATE 1:00 pm**
I’m much the same way. I should have made a better effort to push through my symptoms, but then again, I also didn’t feel safe to drive. Tomorrow will be better. There’s no chance of sleep. Too alert and too far into the day. I feel like sometimes I need these little breaks in the routine. I did work an extra day this week, you know. So I don’t feel bad taking some time for myself. This is necessary to maintain good mental health, and I’m good with that.
**UPDATE 2:00 pm**
I’m crying a little. I just got to feeling so lonely. I’ve had to get used to being alone, and how to stand up on my own. But when you’ve always had people around, not having them near presents a contrast. I’m going to be alright. I just get sad sometimes. I didn’t fill the hole up with someone else, I’m trying to fill it myself, which is a much harder thing to do. There’s no outside factor in action, so I will occasionally get lost when things slow down and there’s no distraction between me and myself. Work usually keeps me pretty occupied on days like this, when my chemicals are out of order. But even as I write this, I’m feeling better. I just needed to cry a little, feel that low point. I can come back out the other side of this, and I will. Life is not all one color. It doesn’t always go according to script. I feel very deeply, and I can sometimes lose sight of the long-term good things I have going for me. In the immediate, where suffering is present, I too can look down instead of up. I need to develop some decent coping skills to manage these times. On that note, I think I will do some exercise.