The Mirror

I have a hard time putting things into perspective when I’m alone. It tends to get the better of me, negativity does. I don’t do a good job reflecting back at myself the angles needed to see alternatives. Instead I can see only what’s directly ahead of me, and that can lead to difficulties. Part of my problem is processing instantaneous feelings with an advanced priority, like just because they got here in a hurry somehow means they’re more important. I’m learning to swing down and through those feelings, and to offer myself a way out once I get to the bottom of the trough.

Today I struggled with feeling isolated. But instead of losing my mind in sadness, I took care of myself: I had some exercise to burn the negative feelings off, I had a warm shower to get myself feeling nice and fresh, and I entertained myself with some Diablo II. I didn’t spiral, and now having come to this better point, I can appreciate the good things I did to help myself out of that hole.

It’s not easy being bipolar. I can have pretty dramatic downturns which lead to suffering. But I’m active in trying to help myself gain perspective. All the great things about my life have not miraculously evaporated, they are still a part of everything I am. So I need to look at myself in the mirror and reflect on that. I haven’t lost anything, I’ve gained many new things. I’m not constantly suffering, this is only temporary pain. The more practice I get at this the better my life will be.

So blog, I’ve had an up and down afternoon, but I’m proactive in trying to help myself feel better. This will all be moot once I get back to the intense distractions of work. For now, I’m better.

I can’t tell you what a help it is to just wrote this stuff out. It acts like poison if I hold on to these thoughts and give them no way to be heard. I feel so many things, and I find the need frequent in a concerted effort to express. The longer the feeling stays bottled up inside the worse its impact can become. I’m making dinner, and having a good evening. It’s getting to be too cold at night to leave my windows open. Winter is coming.

**UPDATE 5:00 pm**

I have been processing my feelings this afternoon, and I got through the really hard stuff. Now it’s dinner time, and the football game is coming on. I knew I would be fine. Just right there in the thick of suffering, it can be really hard. I was crying and feeling sad because I’m pretty social, and I like to be around people. When I get locked in the house all day it can be tough to feel like I have much identity. Like somehow I lose sight of who I am. This is a transition time for me. And I’m learning what to do on my own, and I’m going to be fine.

2 thoughts on “The Mirror

  1. It’s strange how it is possible to feel isolated even when we are not. I am feeling off tonight myself and I was around people all day. Heck my dad is in the house and two dogs. It’s all about being trapped inside of my own head, I suppose. Anyway, I’m glad you are feeling better!

    • Thanks Sasha. I can get lost in sadness sometimes, and it’s hard to put things in perspective when suffering is acute. The process of writing this stuff out somehow makes the thought go out of my head and go onto the page, where it gets the attention and recognition of being seen. Realized even. So it may not be fun to read, but this place helps me get my feelings from piling up in my head and gives them a place to be. For me, this is integral to my mental health journey. So thank you again for stopping by and having a comment. I do appreciate the feedback. Especially considering the subject matter.

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