Fool Of Feelings

I feel still pretty mixed up inside. I had a very difficult time being alone yesterday. Part of me almost expects there to be human interaction, and when it doesn’t happen, I get deep in sorrow. I’m not sure why that is. I have been proactive about seeking contact in the past, when I’ve been isolated for an extent. I don’t just sit and suffer indefinitely.

Today is a new day, and my emotional state is still pretty jumbled. I can’t really enjoy time off if I feel like I didn’t work hard to earn it. Which yesterday qualified as a not earned therefore not fun day. I guess. Things are going to be better today. I’m already out the door to go to work. I know, it’s early, but I just couldn’t stay in that house any longer. I had to change the scenery. I have procured strong coffee and I will be attempting to gather my wits for the new day ahead. Traffic is likely to hold me up in transit for a while. I also am taking some time to write this post, which I’m hoping will bring some clarity to the veritable soup of feelings I’m dealing with. Life is not always a clean-cut answer. It can swing to extremes, it can be mired in consistency. Life doesn’t stop for you, it’s going by whether you’re onboard or not. I have to treat myself callously sometimes in order to meet those expectations.

I followed some of the work emails coming in on my iPhone. Looks like more headaches in the billing queue. I’m not sure what event set that off, but they’ve added a new wrinkle to the equation. Now we have to fill out an eform for every billing call we take. Seems like there is a larger problem going on and they’re trying to find out what and where. I’m happy to follow procedures, so no complaints here.

Blog, I need to remind myself sometimes about the content of my life: I live independently in a 1BR apartment which I can afford, I have a steady job that pays well, I have medical insurance and a great support network of doctors who are willing to help me, and I have a loving family who are always there for me no matter what’s going on. Just this weekend I went over to my uncle’s house and had my spirits lifted. It is possible that the onset of winter (well, fall, to be accurate) will flatten my mood a bit. I’m not sure. Spring is usually when I get most depressed. No matter, I’m moving forward.

So I’m going to see Margaret tomorrow, which is perfect timing considering how volatile things have been over the last 3 days. A perfect opportunity to go over my coping skills.

I hope you all have a good day. I am trying to do so with mine.

**UPDATE 9:00 am**
I’m ready as I’ll ever be to start my shift. I’m hopeful that today I will be able to stay busy but not be overwhelmed by circumstance. I’m a hard worker, of that there is no doubt. I need my work to keep my brain occupied with something productive to do. Otherwise, I run the risk of spiraling into sadness like I have. I really should get with Dr. Judge about that. Maybe we’re due for an increase in Geodon. All food for thought. Point is: I’m here and ready to have a full, productive day. Wish me luck!

**UPDATE 11:30 am**

I just ate lunch and I think I’m doing fine. It’s been a steady flow of incoming calls. Some billing, some drive thru (exchanges so far). So I’m doing a lot more data entry than problem solving. No matter. This will be zooming right along and be over before I can blink.

**UPDATE 1:00 pm**

Day moving right along. Had a guy get furious at me for having the audacity to do my job correctly. I am enjoying the wind today. The air is crisp and a little cold, but howling over 15 miles an hour. A totally welcome distraction. Mood wise I’m doing just fine. It feels really good to be back at work and having a purpose again. Taking yesterday was both a gain and a loss, and maybe an indicator of where I still need to improve on my recovery. I’m going to keep eating right and exercise a little every night when I come home. I shouldn’t get into the habit of stagnation. So my mind is headed in the right direction. My body is still in sleep mode. I’ve had more than enough foul work coffee. Blog, life is good, and I am comforted by the wind. It makes me feel like I’m flying.

**UPDATE 4:15 pm**
It’s shocking to see the sun very near to setting already. Daylight savings time really messes me up. Tomorrow morning I go see Margaret. Yay. I’m actually more looking forward to my December 1st meeting with Dr. Judge, because I’d like to go over the meds again. The recent upwellings of sadness should not go by unnoticed. I am going to be proactive, and not just brush them off. So I’ve been in a benefits meeting and I’ll be enrolling as of the 15th of the month for full coverage for all of 2015. So very pleased. I am happy to have arrived at this point, where I am stable and have good healthcare for the first time in my adult life. It’s nice to know I won’t eat a penalty at the end of the year for not having coverage as well. Cruising. I’ll catch you later blog. Still got an hour and a half to go. Boom.

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