White Out

Do you ever look back on a dark chapter of your life and wonder how it ever happened? Some of the memories I have of Jax just leave me scratching my head, now. At the time, I remember having reservations, apprehensions… but I stuffed them all away and said “no” to them. I would do something to distract myself or attempt to explain them away or otherwise excuse fact for delusion. Albeit, there were plenty of good times. But why couldn’t I see the warning signs? Why wouldn’t I let myself in on the fact that something was wrong?

It seems that I possess the flaw of being complacent in relationships. I do, currently, adhere to a much higher standard of introspection. But this was not always the case. In fact, I have perpetuated acts that led directly to the death of my last relationship, and did so blindly. I’d hope (for my sake) that a disaster such as Jax would lead to some wholesale changes in me.

Turns out that I’m kinda correct about those changes. Margaret said to me today “you’re doing such a good job being aware of your feelings, and trying to have a handle on your mental health.” Boom. I agree Margaret. In fact, this is just a preview of the implementation of radical self-growth. In response to calamity, I’ve taken as much good from it as possible, and will continue to strive for better mental health.

Being accepting of my personal responsibility was a huge step. One that I have never avoided, but have had difficulty in understanding. I know that there were serious problems with my role in my relationship with Jax. Problems that I kept from her, and punished myself with. But who are we, if not bound to learn? I have divulged my flaws, even formally apologized to my ex, and transitioned beyond that sullied history. It is now solely my responsibility to make the changes in myself that need to occur for my continued wellbeing. A long process, needless to say, but one I will not shy away from.

I am more determined than ever to cleanse myself of sadness and feeling forlorn. I will rise to meet new challenges, and assume a bigger role in the stewardship of my reality. I owe it to myself to love who I am (flaws and all) and present that person to the world. Not too much to ask, for an overachiever such as myself. I hope you can hear the hopeful, inspired words I write, and take a hard look at your own introspective processes. Couldn’t hurt.