You know, my meager little existence is a largely problem-free environment. I don’t do anything to intentionally subject myself to circumstances that would lead to problems. As a result, I live rather simply, transitioning between work and home, enjoying breaks and not juggling more than I can handle. It gives me pause, to reflect on the situation I most recently came from:
Every time I look back on my past, I see something glaringly wrong with how I was handling my life. These alarming instances of failure (on my part) had to do with my ability to cope with my life. In some way, I was always trying to escape it; through drugs or sugar or cigarettes, I didn’t want to be there. Instead, I wanted to expedite my death so I could be free of it.
Today, I’m trying to be attentive to my emotional and mental state, perhaps more so than I ever have before. I’m scrutinizing my feelings, and trying to avoid evaluating (see judging) them as good or bad. I want to be able to accept and process the litany of reactions I go through on a daily basis with loving respect. I have the hope in mind that I will be able to roll through hard times, when I am most alone or isolated, and be able to survive without harming myself.
I have taken Sasha’s “no sugar no badness (paraphrasing)” challenge to heart, an I myself could use a kick in the ass in this department. I will be (again) scaling back my use of the substance as much as possible, and continuing to exercise and get to my final Lone Bull Project goal. I still have enough time before the project ends. Got like 4 months to lose 30 or so pounds. I think that is achievable.
Today the air smells rich and full of pollen and dust. The wind is blowing around 10-15 miles an hour in the afternoon, and all the deciduous leaves are scattered around the parking lot; signaling the arrival of fall. The trees seem to know that the Earth is positioned away from the sun, but the weather does not. Still very warm, like summer part 2.
It’s Thursday, which means there’s a game on. Browns at Bengals. It’s funny to think back on just how little I had in common with Jax. She hated football. Never even cared one lick how I did in fantasy. But then again, I never really got in to her jewelry. I supported it financially, and invested a ton in it, but I never got into it with her at all. Sometimes we can be paired up with people we find ourselves to be wholly incompatible with, and stuck with them; stubbornly refusing to detach and move on. I’m sad for the way she chose to end it (by cheating on me) but I’m glad it’s over. I wasn’t getting any sort of benefit from the closeness we had. We were two people standing on vastly different plains. But now I get to actually enjoy the games without inhibition or disapproval. Rad!
I hope you have a good day wherever you are in the world. I also wish that whatever season it happens to be where you are, that the Earth knows it too.
**UPDATE 3:05 pm**
I’m struggling with fatigue. Seems to never have let me up today. I’m just beat down mentally exhausted. And there’s still the quiet final hours at work to slog through. I’m so glad to be going into see Dr. Judge tomorrow. This feels like depression tiredness. And we can’t have that. I made another payment to the debt collectors. Just 7 more months and I’ll be out of default. Good things are happening. I’m just at the end. So ready to call it quits and go home. Looking forward to that immensely. But there’s still a slog to endure. Wish me luck.