Hey blog. I had the whole day to myself today and I didn’t implode! I did try and get out to support a friend at a craft fair, but it turned out to be an event at someone’s house, which I was not expecting. So I went looking for a street fair, didn’t find one, then turned around and went home thinking to myself “you probably got the wrong directions off the Facebook group’s page.” Nope. Just didn’t at all consider that someone would want to hold a craft fair in their house. How could they ever expect any foot traffic? Made no sense to me then, and now.
But the real test here was to see if I could be alone all day and not deteriorate into a puddle of sadness. I had contact with people all day through email and text. So I did do proactive things to avoid feeling lonely. But I had my moments of boredom. I stared blankly into the abyss and refused to fall in. I could have, but I went out and took every opportunity to be social that I could. I got myself invited back to my uncle’s house tomorrow to watch football. I also got invited to a Texas Hold ‘Em poker and fajita event here at the apartment. My landlord came and knocked on my door to invite me to the fun. And I didn’t pass up that chance to get out and be social. So I can’t then look critically at myself and feel like I was suffering and did nothing about it. I was proactive, and that is something I can appreciate myself for.
I did manage to get through my tough spots today on my own. I just reassured myself, listened to music, tried to get lost in Diablo II. I had fun, and I didn’t just sit and suffer. It will take a few more days before I notice any changes brought on by the medication, but I know that there is help on the way. I can and will get through the onset of depression and I will be able to move past it. I can’t be dragged under by sadness. It’s not an option. My life is too important to let mental illness ruin it.
So blog, I’m trying to frame things in a constructive way. I don’t want the foundation of my house to be built on mud. My mental health is the top priority, and I’m doing everything in my power to prevent a relapse. It is work that I need to do now so that I might be able to live the life I deserve. I can see no other way than to fight my way out, and try to make myself proud of who I am.
I wish you all the best in whatever struggle presents itself to you. Know that if a severely mentally ill person such as myself is capable of surviving the madness of bipolar depression, you can probably hang in there too. We are not alone in our suffering. I’m right there with you, cheering you on towards s better tomorrow. Be well.