It’s a new day. I’m feeling genuinely refreshed today, after a weekend of events and social expansion. I was bbq grill master and football color commentator all in the same day. And if feeling genuinely happy to be back. I feel refreshed, healthy and on-track with my mental health. I have had a very recent change in medications and I will be feeling the stabilizing effects of that very soon. But the progress I have made this weekend is largely mental, as I did not doom myself to isolation and did not spiral down like I had in weekends past. It was an activity-filled and productive break, and I’m ready to get after it today. No doubt about it: I’m back.
So taking proactive steps to correct a deteriorating mental state has direct outcome results. My mind can’t ignore that I refuse to let it implode into sadness. These are the steps necessary to get better.
I had a chat with my parents last night. They are in Northern California for a while, and will be headed back down to Southern California once Thanksgiving gets closer. But it’s nice to have them trucking around making the most of their RV life. I’m very happy for them. And they are happy that I am doing good, and have taken steps to ensure I stay healthy. Since my existence is at stake here, seems like I might have good priorities.
I went back to the county pharmacy to get the rest of my Welbutrin because they only had 10 of them available on Friday. I get a little sad going there, because most of the trip is the exact same way I would go after work every night to pick up Jax from her job in the Old Town Historic Park. I remember those nights, that drive playing over in my mind. How excited I was to see her, and to tell her all about what I had been going through on that particular day. Old soggy memories from a bygone time. It doesn’t hurt the way it used to. Maybe because when I was suffering acutely, I wanted that life to come back somehow. As opposed to now, where I would not take it back if it were offered under any circumstances. I fail, in my woe, to correctly identify the things which actually cause my hurt. My heartache is misled in thinking a restoration of the past would bring resolution, when the problems of the relationship were deep and unrepairable. But my memories don’t take that into consideration. They’re very “all or nothing.”
But here I am about to go into work. I feel ready and able. I aim towards a promising tomorrow, and except nothing less than real progress. Here we go.
**UPDATE 11:15 am**
Our software platform that we use to do basically everything company-wide is offline, making my job in billing almost totally impossible. So I was hammering it out until that happened. Should be a temporary thing though. I hope. I’d rather be busy than bored.
**UPDATE 12:30 pm**
Not much has changed. I still have a backlog of 6 orders that need to go in the computer, and the more calls I take the farther behind I get. So it’s a little discouraging today. I’m keeping myself under control: I had been going out in the mornings to get something unhealthy to eat, but since the med change I’ve stopped. I was only making things worse for the drowsiness and eating food with no redeemable qualities. So enough of that. Plus, I’d rather direct that enthusiasm towards my rejuvenated outlook on my life. I can do better than I have been. I was trying hard, but depression eats away at stability and happiness constantly, and gains ground as my health worsens. So I plan to go out of my way to better my mental state with positive and uplifting activities. Exercise, sociality, recreation and mindful eating can all play a part in getting me to a better place. It’s going to be a challenge to overcome depression, but I know I can do it.
**UPDATE 2:45 pm**
On my last break of the day. We finally got our software back, and it took me 56 minutes to get all the back logged orders put in the computer. Sigh. But now I can be effective again. Hooray! I just took my afternoon Welbutrin and I am here in my truck for just a minute more before I go back. But I wanted you to know I was doing great, and getting my shit done on time and without mistakes. Back on top of the ball again. Yes!