We had a few things in common, my ex and I. And when they lined up, it was really special. But there weren’t a lot of things that we had to share overall. And our mentalities were on opposite pages. I’m remembering those rockhounding trips we went on, and how much fun we had. It’s not like it was all bad. Not at all. There’s no one-sided interpretation to be had here; my blog is about being real. So I do look back on those amazing adventures we went on, and I miss her company. But we differed on a lot of really essential areas. We were two people caught up in a love-dream that wouldn’t last the winter.
I mourn the loss of a friend, but (oddly enough) if we hadn’t fallen in love, I may not have even considered adding her to my social network. It’s just crazy what emotions can do to judgement, to tranquility. I made so many mental compromises in being with her, yet, I never stopped myself and reconsidered. It was all so permanent and final, flying her here from Florida to come live with me, even though we had never physically met. I think I really lose my way when I feel affection for someone. Like I’m willing to overlook things that would normally drive us apart for the sake of experiencing love. It’s emotional candy.
My mind is not empty of Jax thoughts, but I don’t suffer with them the way I used to. I see now that it’s better that we not be together, and that she find someone who is actually in to the same things she is. If some of those core commonalities are similar in the next partner she chooses, she will find a much bigger reward in happiness. As would I, if I were looking for such a thing.
I’m happier than I have been in a long while, out here on my own. I can’t say that I’m ignoring anything in my life, or falling into a destructive pattern. I have the serenity of a self-governed state, and I’m satisfied with the actions I’ve taken to forward my independent life. I don’t get lonely for companionship, I tend to recognize how much work it is to maintain and opt out of it altogether. I don’t have enough energy to spare to also be really good at a relationship. Not in a way that would honor the nature of the thing. So, for now, I’m a one man show. And I don’t mind it, because I’m proactive about continuing to be social and enrich myself with interactions. I have friends who I talk to, and friends who I write to. This level of involvement keeps me engaged and active. I have no complaints. Things are going great.
And my meds seem to be having a profound effect. I’m alert and ready for my day in the mornings, and full of vital energy that feels strong and sustaining. I’m not suffering any symptoms or side-effects. I continue to eat right and in reasonable portions. I’m still losing weight, even if I did take a step back this weekend with my uncle (he took us all out for burgers).
So blog, I still think about her, and that ratio of 4:1 things we didn’t have in common to things we did. I miss my rockhounding buddy sometimes, but I think that’s natural. It’s not in my mind to regret or desire to undo the things that happened. If not in March 3rd then sometime not long after would things have fallen apart. That’s just the way it was headed, for two different people caught up in the romance. No lamentations, just shiny spots in an otherwise dark chapter of my life.
**UPDATE 1:00 pm**
It’s lunch already? Damn dude. Today has been zooming by. I have not had a difficult or stressful call yet today, but my chances of that go up as the day wears on. I’ve found angry people typically wait until late in the day to call me. I don’t know why this is.
Last night was fun, as I posted. I had a hard time getting comfortable in bed for whatever reason. And there’s another big spider somewhere in my room. I walked into his web but failed to find the culprit. Eventually he’ll turn up and then he will die. Zero tolerance for arachnids. Especially when my bed is a part of his plans. Boo.
Have a great day blog.