Looking Ahead

I had a very affirming therapy session with Margaret today. We talked about how my mood has been since the medication change, and what things I have been going through emotionally. Albeit, I didn’t have a whole lot to report; as I’ve been on a tear since I had my meds adjusted. That “roll” I’ve been on, Margaret points out, is a direct result of me being introspective, and noticing when my moods fluctuate and why. Without observation, there is a good chance I could fall back into a negative pattern, or otherwise lose the stability I’ve fought so hard to achieve. These dangers are very real for me, and they have happened before. Sitting down with Margaret and discussing the ins and outs of my week was refreshing. It really put my mind into focus about the things I struggle with. I used this analogy: my sadness is like a lake behind a dam. Before, I would fill the lake, and the dam would break, sending my emotions everywhere, and in places they did not belong. But since, I have built a stronger dam in my logical mind, and now even when the lake is full of sadness, the dam holds. I now have a way to still experience my emotions without having them spill out into everything I do.

It was a gratifying session, with much discussion about what I’m doing now, and how I can still improve. I need to exercise in the mornings right when I get up. And I’m not planning to go all out at first. I want to start out small, and build my way up to something reasonable. If I can get myself to take this step, I will have overcome a huge roadblock that has been limiting how fast I lose weight. I really do want to meet my goal for The Lone Bull Project, but dietary change is not going to get it done by itself. So I have that to ponder.

I’m very thankful for Margaret. She has been real with me, straightforward and rational. Our sessions are usually really rewarding, and can often help me see things I wouldn’t normally take notice of. The tough part for me is that I’m not very good at identifying my problems without a proper mirror. I often get lost in moments, not really achieving perspective until something dramatic jars me from my place. This is an issue I hope to avoid in the future.

I have been keeping a regular conversation with Sasha, from Rambling For Clarity, and my friend Jacqueline. Both primarily via text, and usually in the downtime I have at work. Of which there is lots, especially late in the afternoon. Sasha has had a rough couple of days, which will happen. My sympathy for her situation runs deep, because I see a lot of the same things she goes through paralleled in my own life. She doesn’t take meds, but she may not need them. I know my illness is severe enough to warrant dramatic intervention, as I do not function without neurochemical balance. She can get by without medication, and that may not always be the case, but it is for now. I have nothing but understanding for her, and I’m glad to have made this connection. Jacqueline has seen me at my weak points, when I was really struggling for stability in my life. She has endured a lot of my antics while I scrambled over the last few months to rebuild my identity, confidence and stability. She was willing to still be my friend after all that, so I’m grateful for her. These two connections have been rewarding me with a type of interaction that I can take something positive from. Like I’ve said before: I’m not in the risk-taking business, but I will continue to nurture these connections for as long as they are positive.

I’m headed to bed. Goodnight blog. I hope your day was satisfactory.