Blog, I’ve been pondering my tendency to isolate. At work I tend to play my cards pretty close to the chest. I don’t mill about and socialize like the other guys do. I am just a dramatically more serious person, I figure. I really don’t want to give off the impression that I take my position for granted. Or that I don’t care about it. But I’m not really engaging with anyone beyond my work related conversations. I guess I’m not “loosened up” yet, and I don’t feel a need to be carefree. Maybe I should ease off the throttle a bit though.
I got to thinking about how long I plan to be alone. And then I got to wondering why I would ever be with someone again, and how long a time that was going to be. It will be hard to fully let go of all the extenuating factors involved, like contact, conversation and understanding. I’m not very appealing. I’m still overweight, though not as much as I was. I’m stubborn and we’ll set in my ways. I’m coldly rational, and sometimes hard to understand. I don’t really have much to offer besides my personality, which is a good one. I am fearful that I will collapse into sadness after enough time, because some part of me will be totally unused and I will go on being lonely. I don’t know if I can bare that fate.
But here we are. And I know that the longer portion of this solitary confinement is still ahead of me. I’m having a hard time seeing the good in it, even though I know it’s there. In places like this, I sometimes just wish it was back to the way it used to be. When I had someone and it was not just me. There are flaws in that thinking, clearly, but it doesn’t appease the ache. Maybe nothing will.