I’m in that odd little piece of useless time before work starts. I’ve been thinking since my last post, where I was feeling kinda down and lonely, that I should probably get used to having those emotions. I’m clearly a being driven more to feel than to think, and this rebuilding process will no doubt have its difficult moments. I will be challenged to sit with my emotions and comprehend them, rather than discard or reject. It has been my tendency (in the past) to shy away from my most acute feelings, and not give them the attention of understanding. Because it sucks to feel pain, to ache in my chest and gasp for air. It’s not a place I enjoy finding myself, but that doesn’t make it any less prevalent. I still have to cope with it in order to move forward.
I guess I yearn for something I actually don’t want. I remember the good feelings that would come from a relationship, but none of the bad that accompanied that (seeming) emotional bliss. It was difficult to come to realize that my partner and I were married, but totally incompatible. Like I have said before, for every one thing we had in common, we were different on four others. I can see how two people could fall in love over an idea, but have that love dry up once the reality set in. I was foolishly committed to a long-term relationship to someone I often times didn’t get along with. I have since learned that if love is ever to come back into my life, it would take a much more sustainable pairing. But looking for new relationships is not on the agenda, oven if my heart burns for it. I know such a thing might undo all of the labor I put in to building my independent life. I might just abandon my principles and risk everything on love again. Which is not a good idea, but I wouldn’t put it out of the realm of possibility (however stupid a choice that would be, I’ve done similarly in the past).
I guess I just needed to vent out what I was going through. I appreciate your support and thank you for helping me see a way through that difficult spot.