#745

I’m in that odd little piece of useless time before work starts. I’ve been thinking since my last post, where I was feeling kinda down and lonely, that I should probably get used to having those emotions. I’m clearly a being driven more to feel than to think, and this rebuilding process will no doubt have its difficult moments. I will be challenged to sit with my emotions and comprehend them, rather than discard or reject. It has been my tendency (in the past) to shy away from my most acute feelings, and not give them the attention of understanding. Because it sucks to feel pain, to ache in my chest and gasp for air. It’s not a place I enjoy finding myself, but that doesn’t make it any less prevalent. I still have to cope with it in order to move forward.

I guess I yearn for something I actually don’t want. I remember the good feelings that would come from a relationship, but none of the bad that accompanied that (seeming) emotional bliss. It was difficult to come to realize that my partner and I were married, but totally incompatible. Like I have said before, for every one thing we had in common, we were different on four others. I can see how two people could fall in love over an idea, but have that love dry up once the reality set in. I was foolishly committed to a long-term relationship to someone I often times didn’t get along with. I have since learned that if love is ever to come back into my life, it would take a much more sustainable pairing. But looking for new relationships is not on the agenda, oven if my heart burns for it. I know such a thing might undo all of the labor I put in to building my independent life. I might just abandon my principles and risk everything on love again. Which is not a good idea, but I wouldn’t put it out of the realm of possibility (however stupid a choice that would be, I’ve done similarly in the past).

I guess I just needed to vent out what I was going through. I appreciate your support and thank you for helping me see a way through that difficult spot.

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10 thoughts on “#745

      • It’s no problem. No, I am not in a relationship. I have been in one with different partners over the last 12 years, and am trying to live my life on my own now.

      • I’m hoping that I can be. I know that it’s not going to be easy. But nothing is certain. I have no clue about what the future holds for me. I can only say that in this moment, I must find a way to cope with my loneliness.

      • My cat helps. I also have an appointment to see a lcsw friday. I have one friend I can call and one who stops by. I have a bf but he is in az and things are not well for us now as im in illinois.

      • I underdtand. It’s hard to have a long distance relationship because so much of that bond that connects is is lost because we can’t see or touch or smell. But I hear you. I too have friends who I see, but it’s not the same feeling as having your partner with you. There’s a special kind of need that only someone you love can fulfill or understand. I hope that something changes for you and your boyfriend. Being together physically is the only way to make a relationship feel real, and to take away loneliness.

      • We plan to move together but since we are not getting along well it is making it difficult for us to make that step. He is on.probation and would need approval to leave the state. I dont want to move there. I have my own bus iness here etc. I have anxiety with moving and not having people close who are emotionally supportive.

      • That’s unfortunate. I’m sad to hear that things are not good between you. In my past relationships, when things were not going well, I ignored it and burried those feelings and just pushed through it. Then it all fell apart in a spectacular, traumatizing event (a suicide attempt). I regret not seeing the warning signs, and finding a way out sooner, before it all got out of hand. I don’t know what issues you face, but I know I should not have avoided reality the way I did. The best I have been able to manage has been to lean on my friends and family who live near me for support, and recognize that my sadness is not poison, but a real emotion that is justified in being with me. I just have to find a way to cope with it, not avoid or bury it. I hope that makes some sense.

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