I’m having a much better morning. I woke up on time and feel alert rather than tired. Yesterday was hard because I never got “on track.” But today I’m doing fine. I was awake fully this morning and feel ready to tackle my day.

I’m lingering at my house for longer in the mornings because I don’t like getting to work absurdly early and having nothing to do. So I luxuriate at my apartment and go when the traffic is good.

I will be updating this post through the day. I’m off to a much better start though.

**UPDATE 1:30 pm**

Training day two concluded. I have a fairly good handle on the new material. The overall attitude of my coworkers leaves much to be desired. Wayne is solid, and a good person to learn from because he does it right. Some of these guys are trying their hardest to do as little actual work as possible. They don’t create notes in Oracle for others to see, and find ways to pass off the responsibility of solving the problem to someone else. I can only speak for myself. I have no intention of half-assing it so that my job is easier. Boo to that. I’d rather go home and know that I did it right.

Hope you all have a good afternoon. My day is moving right along. I might squeeze in a check up in the evening when things slow down.

**UPDATE 3:00 pm**

Hey blog. I’m at my desk hoping something happens soon. I am having a good day, not a particularly eventful one, but positive. I’m looking forward to getting into the queue for Mbox and helping figure out those problems. But that might have to wait until I get done with training, probably tomorrow. Which works out nicely, because I have my regularly scheduled break from billing that day, and will be able to concentrate on those trusonic calls.

I struggle with loneliness sometimes. I get caught in a snare thinking about being in love, and how magical it is. There’s such s rush that you get from it; that feeling of being enamored in someone else and fascinated by them. I’ve never had that feeling last very long. In the end it gave way to angst, frustration and feeling misunderstood. I’m a complicated guy, so I get that I might be confusing. But the realization of how irreconcilably different we were hasn’t been lost amidst all this loneliness. I suffered, and deluded myself that I actually was doing fine. I told everyone I was ok, and that was not true. But I’ve learned.

I may be on my own, and get sad, but that’s totally natural for me. I can’t expect to live a 100% happy life. There is no such thing. We endure pain because it is contrast; a necessary parameter to understanding things like hope and love.

Have a contemplative afternoon.

6 thoughts on “Perky

    • It sounds like you are struggling. I’m sad to hear that. I know you have tried a lot of different medications, but do you take any currently? I’ve taken nearly every major antidepressant they make and most of the mood stabalizers and anti-psychotics, so I get the frustration. I’ve been doing great, then abruptly downspiral as my med just straight up stopped providing a benefit. It can be hit and mostly miss sometimes. I hope you are ok, and I’m around if you need someone to talk to.

      • Wow. There are so many medications out there, that would take a long time to go through them all. I’m sorry for your frustration. I’ve had some luck in finding high doses and a couple meds that work pretty well. But it’s not a cure, just a helping hand. I have to do most of the work for myself.

      • That is terrible. It makes my heart break to hear that. Depression is so daunting, so overwhelming. To face it without help really sucks. I know I am a shadow when my depression is taking over. I have no substance. No life.

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