I’m a little sad to not be in a relationship around this time of year. It’s a family togetherness thing, where every day feels like a long hug. I get lost thinking about Jax and how she ate that entire loaf of sour cream bread. I had this cute picture of her with her mouth attached to the corner of an uneaten loaf. It was gone shortly after that. Ha. Christmas is fun when you have someone you love.
But things change. I will be working more this holiday than enjoying time off. I think this is an acceptable distraction from my loneliness. I’m turning my solitude in to money. And lots of it.
I started playing the original Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater. I really hate skaters, but I adore this game. When I was in high school, I used to go get stoned with my friend Beanjo and play this game for hours. It was one of the more fond memories of my turbulent childhood. We’d laugh our asses off the whole time.
I guess I miss Jax in a lot of ways. Though with how much I work, I’d probably never see her. We’d have dinner at 6:30 every night, and I’d rant on and on about my day. I’d buy her tons of jewelry supplies with all the extra money I make. We’d go on rockhounding adventures this winter, and good ones because of all the rain we’ve had. But I would end up blathering about where the rocks came from in geologic time and lose her attention. And we’d get home and disagree about what music to listen to. Or fight about something that could have been avoided if only I would have listened to her feelings.
I reminisce, and I’m well aware that it does me no good. But I can’t help feeling lonely. I though I was going to be married to her for the rest of my life. We were together for a year and 5 months instead. That’s not what I thought was going to happen.
It’s pretty slow here at work. Blog, sometimes I really wish I had someone to hold. I guess I’m not thinking very realistically about things. I am aware of this. It doesn’t stop me from feeling a bit heartsick at this season of firelight and hospitality.