Between Two Feelings

This morning’s commute was pretty nuts. Not one blob of traffic the whole way. I imagine most people are doing their holiday vacations right about now, and are nowhere to be seen for those of us headed into work.

I find myself in a mixed state today: both proud and sad. I was reminded of how well I am doing by a simple thing in paying the cell phone bill. I have (seemingly) great sums of money in my account and only really spend it on necessities. I did buy myself some playstation 2 memory cards, but not a major expense by any stretch. I’ve been able to stockpile my money and keep my financial future strong. I’m simultaneously sad that I have no one to share this success with. But am I actually doing anything about that sadness? Not really. I can feel it and not need to rush out and fix it with a relationship. It is hard doing this alone, but I need to in order to preserve the kind of life that I deserve. Relationships muddy the water. I am in no state of mind to invite the inevitable compromise that comes with a partnership. Frankly, I really like the way I’m doing things, and have no want to tamper with that. The more I think about it the less interested in sadness I become. It’s a misguided feeling; conveying a useless message for no good reason. If love came up to my door and invited itself in, how could I dare gamble my success on that? Why would I tie my life to someone else’s when I should learn how to stand alone? I have gone so far proving to myself that I am all I need… to go back on that and get in a relationship after that is treason.

I think disparagingly sometimes about myself, and I guess the need is for someone to somehow be unendingly compassionate and understanding of my circumstance. But not necessary. It’s a hollow place inside me that yearns to be full and active again. But love is more trouble than it is worth. I go back to see Margaret on Christmas Eve, and I’m imagining telling her about this conflict. There’s not really much to it though. The logical side of me wins out every time. I’m not about to let emotions rule my actions.

Somehow I know that this solo project is going to come to an end at some point. I will find myself in a desirable permutation of the original need and take appropriate action. I don’t know how it will happen (duh) but it will eventually. I’m living a promising life, with stability and safety to pass around. I just have to keep applying myself in my life and keep my positive attitude and exemplary work ethic. I’m not bored or complacent like I have been and can sometimes become. I have a feeling that my languishing had a great deal to do with the depression caused by my disappointment in partnership choices. I grew really depressed in my relationships because I knew they were not what I wanted. I was crushed that I had locked myself in with people I didn’t really get along with, or could not share the more important aspects of companionship with. I’ve set myself up for failure, and learned the hard way that hardly anyone is willing to change who they are for someone else. Another duh. Maybe I have learned to have higher standards, and to not just dive at the first person who comes along and shows interest. Selectivity leads to sustainability.

I guess I’ve talked myself out of feeling sad. I miss the cute things she used to do, but that’s wholly detached from the real memory. I hurt myself with feelings taken out of context, as if to say “boy, don’t you miss that?” But in honesty I don’t because I’ve proven to myself with facts that I do better alone than with someone. I have never been more on-target and true to course and heading. I know where I’m going and what I want, and no one can derail me but me. And I’m not planning to.

**UPDATE 11:30 am**

Yeah it sucks to have a mix of emotions and thoughts going around. But I’m handling my feelings in a productive fashion. I guess it’s just a very snugly time of year and I long for someone to snug. But the work involved in making that a reality is far from the direction of my life. I’m doing a good job keeping my shit in order. The last thing I want to do is mess that all up with a relationship. So I’m off the market indefinitely, and of my own free will. I do so with the intention of living as trouble-free a life as I can. I have no chance of being crushed by a partner who bails out of the relationship. I have no emotional risk that could otherwise hurt me if things were to change. I have no one to disagree with and feel misunderstood by. I guess I like my way less complicated life, and that will be a lonely road at times. But I have such great friends and family for support. I never get too down about it.

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