I’m fighting with depression today, and it is winning. I left work early pretending I had a migraine, but in reality I’m just very down and have no zest or excess energy to go around. I’m sad inside, over my solitary, one-dimensional life. I live in a hole; cut off from others and internally focused. I don’t socialize very much at work. I don’t go anywhere or do anything of consequence during the week. I feel utterly alone.

And this is because everyone who has ever loved me has been driven off by my dysfunctional personality. Or my stubbornness and general callousness. I am stranded on a lifeless island having scorched all precious things around me into ash. I have nothing left to offer. I dwell in solitude. I have been rejected by many, scorned by a few. I have more enemies than friends.

I’m going up to Carlsbad today, leaving here around 5:30 and likely being snarled in traffic for hours. Then I will get there late and have 10 minutes to socialize before I have to turn around and go home. To get up tomorrow and go to an early therapy session. Good timing too, considering the shabby state my mind is in.

I don’t know what to do to help myself. I tried playing a game but I grew immediately frustrated with it. Then I tried watching a movie, but all I can think about is how I’m stupid and that I suck. And no one wants anything to do with me. And no one cares what I have to say. I’m as irrelevant as a bag of garbage waiting on a curb to be collected and dumped.

I’m not happy anymore. I’m frustrated that my life is so meaningless. I strive for no one but myself. I endure suffering and receive no reward. I benefit from my deeds alone and receive no breaks from fate or chance. I’m headed in a downward direction. I feel like I already reached the peak of my success and have been sliding down into obscurity since. I’m meaningless.

I don’t know how I am going to face them all tonight. I feel like the hatchet of shame is buried in my back. I have nothing to bring, little to say and few are the reasons for caring about me at all. My parents care, but it’s their job to care. No one else will take the job. And even if you do, it’s only a matter of time before I drive you off too.

I know I can be better than this. I’m just very sad and disappointed by my life. I don’t know what there is to say about it. I’m knee-deep in the mud. I know things will get better. Eventually. I just have to be brave, and survive the storm.

17 thoughts on “Courage

    • I needed the time, and I didn’t feel like I would be able to get away unless I cooked up some bullshit story. I’m sorry about your headache. That is no fun.

      • It’s not that easy. I’m not about to go telling my employer that I need the afternoon off because I’m depressed. That’s a great way to be humiliated at work, and judged and misunderstood. I’ve told employers of my mental health in the past, and it has never been a good thing. I’m a liar, but don’t I have to be in order to protect myself? The world is not an understanding place, not a compassionate or understanding one. I admit to being a liar, but I have no guilt in doing so.

      • I don’t understand. Are you mentally ill? Do you have any comprehension of what I’m talking about? This question you are asking me sounds like a disagreement from a person who has either no sympathy or no understanding of mental illness, and the stigmas attached to it. Your comments make you sound petty and ignorant of a much bigger issue. I’m protecting myself, and if you can’t see why I would need to do that, than you have no real understanding of what it is to be mentally ill.

      • I completely understand why you do it. I might be mentally ill because I actually dont have feelings for people. I mean feelings dont’t bother me. I am cold hearted ): but i’m trying to get better. I just wish you could be yourself. Why are you depressed?

      • I wish I could just be myself too, but the “real” me is not accepted in society, and not understood by most people. Mental illness is a huge burden, mostly because it is thought of as a joke. Depression is treated like laziness, anxiety treated like the a bad case of the jitters. It’s these stereotypes that pervade, not compassion or sympathy. I understand that I should not lie, and for 99% of the time I don’t. But when it comes to telling people I’m mentally ill, I avoid it at all costs. The shame is too much for me to handle, especially coming from my bosses or peers. I don’t want to be thought of as a weakling with a made-up disorder. So I conceal. Your comment makes more sense when you say that you don’t understand my feelings on the issue. It’s ok to be callous, I understand that. I will be patient. I’m not sure why I am depressed… maybe just the stress of the life I lead is wearing me down… maybe I’m acutely lonely because I’m spending Christmas by myself. I get depressed in the winter/spring, every year. It’s just a question of how hard can I fight to keep the symptoms at bay. But today they won. But they won’t win every day.

      • Thanks very much for saying so. I enjoy your comments very much, and look forward to what contributions you have to offer. Your words make me smile, and help me feel less depressed. Like I said: I don’t really know why this is happening to me, but I’m taking steps to not let it crush me down. I just went and did a bunch of my exercises because I figured it would be a good way to burn off some of that negative energy. Turns out I was right, and I’m feeling better after thoroughly tiring myself out. I really appreciate the feedback, and those words are precious to me.

      • Yeah, enough space so they can have their own little kingdom and hiding places and stuff. How old are you? I’m 31. I miss having a cat, they are so much fun. And snuggly. And I love playing games with them.

      • Right now our youngest cat (Bentley) is obsessed with the Christmas tree. We have been having quite a time with him.

      • HAHAHA, that’s awesome. The things they get in to… I have always been a good kitty parent. I like to enrich my cat’s lives with things they are not expecting. I take time to play with them and love on them. It’s hard when you work 40 hours a week to be a good kitty parent. I want to be there with them, not off at work while they are stranded in my apartment. I want to have a cat, and give it a good life, not the shabby parent I would make if I had one now. I want one, but I know it wouldn’t be right to have one. If that makes any sense.

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