I’m fighting with depression today, and it is winning. I left work early pretending I had a migraine, but in reality I’m just very down and have no zest or excess energy to go around. I’m sad inside, over my solitary, one-dimensional life. I live in a hole; cut off from others and internally focused. I don’t socialize very much at work. I don’t go anywhere or do anything of consequence during the week. I feel utterly alone.
And this is because everyone who has ever loved me has been driven off by my dysfunctional personality. Or my stubbornness and general callousness. I am stranded on a lifeless island having scorched all precious things around me into ash. I have nothing left to offer. I dwell in solitude. I have been rejected by many, scorned by a few. I have more enemies than friends.
I’m going up to Carlsbad today, leaving here around 5:30 and likely being snarled in traffic for hours. Then I will get there late and have 10 minutes to socialize before I have to turn around and go home. To get up tomorrow and go to an early therapy session. Good timing too, considering the shabby state my mind is in.
I don’t know what to do to help myself. I tried playing a game but I grew immediately frustrated with it. Then I tried watching a movie, but all I can think about is how I’m stupid and that I suck. And no one wants anything to do with me. And no one cares what I have to say. I’m as irrelevant as a bag of garbage waiting on a curb to be collected and dumped.
I’m not happy anymore. I’m frustrated that my life is so meaningless. I strive for no one but myself. I endure suffering and receive no reward. I benefit from my deeds alone and receive no breaks from fate or chance. I’m headed in a downward direction. I feel like I already reached the peak of my success and have been sliding down into obscurity since. I’m meaningless.
I don’t know how I am going to face them all tonight. I feel like the hatchet of shame is buried in my back. I have nothing to bring, little to say and few are the reasons for caring about me at all. My parents care, but it’s their job to care. No one else will take the job. And even if you do, it’s only a matter of time before I drive you off too.
I know I can be better than this. I’m just very sad and disappointed by my life. I don’t know what there is to say about it. I’m knee-deep in the mud. I know things will get better. Eventually. I just have to be brave, and survive the storm.