I’m at the end of a long and busy day. I took 38 calls, which is above metrics (and the goals don’t really apply to me since I have the closing shift and my call volume is automatically lower) I’m pleased to say. I kept busy, mostly with billing issues, as that queue took well over 500 incoming calls. DTOC’s busiest queue was under 200 on the day, if that puts things into perspective. My contribution is necessary, but only a tiny fraction of the total. Anyway, today was a fast day. The trouble was, that I was feeling so depressed. I still kinda do, but I retreated to my bed as soon as I got home and generally feel better about things. Between my sheets is a magical land of warmth and harmony. I feel most safe here, and somewhat detached from the suffering of my disposition. I can tell you that I’m struggling, but managing.
I’m committed to being a solo project for a good long time, and that has the part of me that wants to be in love again all wrinkled up. It remembers how good it felt to love someone. Hey, it’s kinda hard to forget. But that part of me is yearning, and I figure that’s what it is supposed to be doing. I can’t be mad about that totally legitimate reaction to being alone. All things in perspective: I’ve come a long way and I don’t intend to set aside my goals in order to be in love. It’s not an option. I’ve seen only the calamity and none of the stability. I would need there to be a massive deviation from history in order to consider anything else. And I’m not looking for it at all. So that’s pretty final.
I know my mood will lift back up again as the days go by. I get a mini-break for New Year’s Day and then right back after it. I also work 3 additional weekends this month, so my paychecks should be healthy. I have a lot of things going for me: I have a loving family who always seems to have my back. I have a job that I enjoy and have not grown tired of. I have financial independence and I lean on no one to hold myself up anymore. I have a great apartment in a place I enjoy living, even if the driveway is crazy steep. I have a good life, and I really should be thankful for it. And I am. However, this does not make my feelings just poof away. I would never expect that to be the case. Instead, I respect my sadness and my loneliness so that even they have a chance to be understood or expressed. I’m not trying to live on one side of the coin.
It has been nice to sit here and rehash some thoughts. It’s going to get frigid tonight, measurably below freezing. Snow expected in the mountains. Winter is coming.