How Things Have Changed

I just went back in time to October 3rd 2012, and read my personal synopsis post, which was so very shocking. Back then, I really did hate myself. I had no pride, no escape from the mistakes of my past. The burden of my errors was smashing my mind to pieces. The post I read was dark, troubling, loaded with fury and seething with regret. I’m really surprised by it. I didn’t really recall it being so acutely bad. But clearly it was.

I reflect, because when I look at myself now, it’s truly amazing to see the full-scale transformation that I have undergone. I’m a man who is proud of who he chooses to be, not ashamed or otherwise mired in sadness. I am confident, assertive, charismatic, hilarious and honest. I sensed from my words that I was deep into depression and not able to grasp any sort of positive thought. I had no love for myself. The contrast between them and now is striking and noteworthy.

I see in this reflection a clear example of the dramatic change I have created for myself. I built this new life I lead from a place much like the one I wrote from more than two years ago. I have come so very far in that time. It shocks me to read those words I so vehemently spat onto the page. I was a troubled, unresolved, angry person back then.

So give it a look, if you dare. The words are laced with a deep internal rage, and unacknowledged loathing. Reader beware.


I had an opportunity presented to me at work over the last few days, of which I have already made mention. Today I finished the conversion spreadsheet. Not only that, I also documented each time where the agent who took the original exchange completely butchered the information collection process. These orders would have all been kicked back because they lacked every single piece of critical data they should have gleaned from the customers when taking the call. So of course Dominique had the most egregious errors, which doesn’t surprise me. He’s a fucking idiot. The others had one error or two, still not good, but less negligent. I handed that’s observations and the completed spreadsheet over to my bosses today, and was immediately thanked and acknowledged. I know they will be able to use that work I did, and now have a much clearer understanding of the status of our back orders.

I also took the initiative today and started working tickets in our web-based help request system, specifically, the ones that no one wanted to deal with and had been largely ignored for days or weeks. I hammered out four of them and am in process on another three. Which is a lot, considering that only two or three guys actually do them, and maybe one a day. Not seven. And my boss Don recognized me already for that, but I wasn’t about to stop applying myself after eating my cookie. Praise or no praise, I’m going to make sure I spend my spare moments during the peak hours on a task, only to be interrupted by an incoming call (which takes priority). I’m pushing myself to not only do what is asked of me, but to do something more than the expected. I’m a mentally ill guy, and for me, this is a matter of pride. Will I live up to my handicap, or will I work THAT much harder to show them all that this disability can’t keep me down? The rest of those guys have normal brains, and I intend to do what they can do, plus 4 times more. I’m better than them, handicapped or not. That’s how I show myself that even a severely ill person can still live a life that I can feel proud of.

And I’m humble. I would never flaunt any of my achievements at work, nor call attention to myself. I lead by example only, and I gain no satisfaction from boasting. I have dignity, and I respect the qualities of humility and politeness. If you really walk the walk, you don’t need to go telling everyone what you did. They can see plain enough what I’m about. So today I feel especially good about my work ethic and sense of self. I have earned a figurative gold star beside my name, and that is quality satisfaction that money can’t buy.

I have been missing Amanda. I’m feeling many positive things for her, and I am making the best of our fractured and infrequent ability to communicate. I am still talking to her quite a bit, but my heart aches for her. I can’t wait until I get to hold her again. This is a test of my self control, and so far, it has been difficult to contain these fledgling emotions I have inside me. New relationships have an energy that is impossible to replicate; they burn with the white-hot fire of 1000 suns. I’m looking down the road, to all the time I plan to spend with her and Tristan. The present moment being arduous, my sense of hope overrides everything with the intention of spending many more days with her than these few without her. It’s hard to direct my mind away from the warm glow of these new feelings, but I know this is only the beginning of a great new adventure. All good things come to those who wait.

Tonight I must retire rapidly. My wake up call will sound much earlier than during the week, as my shift starts two hours sooner. So farewell. More words to come.


I have been handed some new responsibilities at work. They are asking me to review and convert (if necessary) nearly 30 exchanges that have parts on back order. We can’t send those orders the way they are, so it became my responsibility to call all the stores that placed the exchanges and get them to agree to box up the broken equipment they have onsite and let our UPS driver come by and pick them up for repair. This seems like a simple enough idea, but the legwork involved in uncovering the information in one order, and then making an entirely separate order for the repair is a mess. And I’m finding that the other agents I work with place orders that are just shamefully wrong, lacking key pieces of information, and may not have shipped anyway because of the sad state they were in. I can’t believe these clowns still have jobs, and they don’t do them very well at all.

Anyway. I’m doing a lot of unpacking and converting, and calling stores to have them box up their equipment for retrieval. And I’m well over 50% done with the list (having had only one day to work on it), after figuring out that many of them had actually been filled and shipped, but we’re still on the list as back ordered. So those were, at least, simpler. But it was a whole new thing I was being asked to do; a total departure from my regular responsibilities. I was asked by Mike, Joel and Don (my three immediate bosses) to handle this. And so I am. And following each process through to the end. No mistakes.

My brain was furiously scrambling to gather as much focus and concentration as I could muster to keep track of all the open issues I was juggling. I got help from all over, and had lots of questions to ask my supervisors. Naturally. And they were happy with my work.

I was preoccupied with that for most of the morning and early afternoon. Then at 3 I hopped back in the queues and started taking live calls. I only ended up with 26 total, and some of those were the calls I made to the stores to get them to box up their broken equipment. Still counts though. My level of exhaustion is high, and I can’t wait to fall asleep.

It has been hard to be without Amanda physically. We text every day dozens of times, coping with the things that are going on in our respective worlds, so it’s not like we are out of touch. But I want her, and my body craves her badly, and the sudden yearning I experience at my desk keeps me from standing or moving at all until it passes. She had a really tough day today, and I wanted to be there for her. But that would have caused more harm than good. Her son hasn’t met me yet, and to just suddenly be there with her would leave him totally confused. I’m going to get a chance to make my introduction on Sunday, in a structured encounter where he can be there with his mom and feel safe. I look forward to meeting him, and taking the first steps toward becoming his friend.

My parents are in Sacramento helping my sister move out. I do believe she will be coming to San Diego with them, and will be back in town sometime this Saturday. I work 7:30 to 4:00 so I might be able to go see them in La Mesa once they settle in. It’s going to be quite a busy weekend too. Somewhere between breakfast and 3:00 I have to do all my laundry and clean my house. I have been in working mode for this week, and need some time to catch up on the essentials.

I know that was a lot of blathering. But I’m so full of thoughts from today, and this is where I go to let all that stuff out. Be free thoughts, be free.


I have been unfair in my presentation of my feelings for Amanda. There is much more to this relationship than I have indicated. I know I feel profoundly for her, but even though I have not met him, I care for her son too. He is a boy growing up in a fractured parental structure, and from what I have gleaned, he may not have a strong male role model in his life. This is where I come in: a confidant, friendly man who has only to lead by the example of consistency to be a boon in his life. I can do so much just by being there, playing with him, laughing with him, and being the father he should have had. If I’m really serious about falling for Amanda, I should also love her son like he was my own.

I’m a wonderful example of an atypical male who can be both strong and compassionate. I have an extensive history of bonding and befriending children of all ages. I used to tell the kids at the Boys & Girls Club (where I worked) that I had a private rocket ship that would take me on a trip to the mall on the moon, where all sorts of neat things could be found. I told them all about the amazing toys that were up there, and one day, I brought one back. It was a bouncy ball that started off one color, but the more you bounced it the faster it would change into a new color. Which was all true. But the kids lost the ball on the roof before they could get it to change color, and soon they had moved on to the next interesting thing (much the way children do). This was one of my many stories, and the kids looked at me like a big brother. They respected me when I asked them to do something. They listened when I had words to say. I have the capabilities inside me already to be a great friend, a trusted ally and as close to a father as I can manage.

It is important that this be clear: I’m in this all the way. Not just for Amanda, and never to divide her attention away from the most important person in her life. I just want to help him grow, and show him that with love he can feel safe and have someone to look up to. I have not forgotten Tristan amidst the sum of emotions I feel for Amanda. It is a role I am more than willing to accept.

So blog, I have been unfair to you: I have shown you only the new growth of passion I feel for Amanda. I feel it too for her son. He is not forgotten, and will be someone I greatly look forward to knowing. I hope this brief memorandum states the viability of my intentions clearly. I want them both in my life. The end.

Testament Of Respect

I’ve been a fool in the past, often committing myself to situations that warranted a much deeper level of understanding than they were given. I never offered myself the chance to know my partners, and the differences that arose once sturdy bridges had been built caused me a great deal of suffering. I have vowed not to repeat these same transgressions.

I’m thinking about Amanda, and the way she has accepted me, flaws and all. I have laid some seriously pungent history on her, and in return she has kissed me. I don’t know what to say, I’m surprised that she can still see who I am despite all the emotional crime I have perpetrated. I try so hard to live a life I can be proud of, that I often wonder if it will ever be enough to equalize the sins of my past. I’ve hurt so many, made so many fatal mistakes, even taken my life for granted and tried to throw it away. I don’t know why I deserve a person like Amanda.

But truly I am a being bound to the doctrine of forgiveness, and held upright by an unending desire to grow. I face myself in the mirror, and I look at the man I am, and I feel proud of him. I’m not discounting what I have done, but I am forgiving myself. I must. I need to be unencumbered by my mistakes in order to blossom as a new person. If I was stuck beating myself down over two divorces and three people I loved all driven away from me forever, how could I grow into pride again?

Amanda reminds me that I am a creature of change, and that my story is still being written. I have the choice to continue on and represent myself in the world, or I can spiral down and implode into nothing. The decision has always been mine, and now I strive for a life I can feel proud of. I don’t do this for her, I do it for me, because I am the only one I have any control over. I choose how I want to be; no one else can decide that for me. Can I rise to the occasion?

I think I am making progress as a person. I really do like who I am, heavy luggage and all. I have failed to learn enough from my past partners before offering them my unconditional love. I gave it out to whoever showed some interest, and that has led to consecutive failure. I will not do that again. I have grown from the boy who loved so blindly, to the man who thinks so clearly. I deserve that, and it is out of respect to Amanda that I am reserved, because I really do want to build something that lasts with her, and I would squander that chance by hurrying us along to a place we are still climbing up to. Time is the great spectator, watching events unfold: will we burn up like paper in fire, or will we glow like embers? The choice is ours.

So peace be with you on your journey. I am resting assured that my heart is singing the song of infatuation, while hardened by the respect of longevity. I will not ruin this beautiful thing I am making with Amanda. I will be strong. I will be true. Goodnight.

First Light

I’m in a good mood. I woke up this morning to the soft blue glow of the dawn, and was up and ready to go in to time flat. Today I’m not leaving home until much later than I normally do: I have to go by the credit union and create a cashier’s check so that I pay my rent. I always do this a few days before it is due, because that’s just how I roll. Punctual at all times, and preemptive whenever possible.

I have been hanging out in limbo over two very prominent mods: Ultimate Apocalypse and Edain, both of which were expected to be released between now and the end of March. I am unsure which mod will be our first, as Edain looks closer to releasing the four faction demo than UA. So I’m checking the sites regularly and the only news I have so far is that the UA team had some problems with donations, and were working on getting them fixed. Not really any news about a release date or any such event.

It’s Tuesday. I work straight through until Saturday, where I have another 7:30 to 4:00 pm shift. My parents will be in town at that time, so I may just cruise on over to the RV park in La Mesa and see them after my shift. I can pick up Moo and together we can go see the rocks, which were delayed in yet another technical snafu. One of the tumblers shut off and was not rolling for the entire week. The slurry never formed because they weren’t rotating because of a power failure to tumbler 1. Tumbler 2 was done though, and I switched it over to the 500 grit. So now we are a bit out of sync, and I am making daily trips down there to make sure they are behaving normally.

For now, adieu. Amanda’s son Tristan is sickies today, so have him and his wellbeing in your thoughts.

**UPDATE 8:35 am**

I just checked the tumblers, and they are both still going. No stoppages of rotation as far as I can tell.

I’m waiting for the bank to open at 9 so I can make my rent check. I have a bit of time to kill.

Today is going to be a good day. Last night sucked when Jason just decided to not take any incoming calls for the length of the final hour. So it was all on me. He’s a very skilled tech, but that was a lame thing to do to me. I was pretty pissed when I left there. I don’t care what kind of personal problem he might be having, don’t abandon your teammates.

**UPDATE 1:00 pm**

I got my new glasses today!!! I can see again! And it’s like having high definition vision. I had been used to everything in the background being out of focus, and now I can see with laser accuracy. I mean, laser. I feel great, and I fucking love my new glasses.

**UPDATE 3:30 pm**

It’s rad to be able to see again. I feel great. I had myself a big coffee and I am still tired. I guess the double shot is not going to do the trick anymore. My friend Will is going to call me tonight after I get home. I’m going to tell him all about the stuff I have been doing. He’s moving back to Portland in the coming days, and giving it yet another try with his (now) girlfriend Sandra. They have broken up several times and I sure hope this is a healthy thing for him to be doing. Though I would have no clue considering I know little about their relationship.

Anyway. The final quarter of my day is here. Time to make a mad dash for the finish line. See you tonight.

The Learning Stage

I’m at a special time in a relationship when the preliminary hurdles have been overcome: what mistakes were made in the past, what socially unacceptable things are a part of who I am, what sour chapters of my history that have been etched in the obelisk of my life, and so on. Once you get past the brutal reality, there is only green grass and warm sunlight for miles. The next task becomes exploration of a vast new land, full of secrets waiting to be unearthed. I’ve done this part of a relationship many times before, but I feel like I held back my preferences and beliefs, because they were not compatible with my partner. Some things I found caused me concern, but I never voiced it. I kept those things a secret from my partners and stuffed them down, stranding them in an oubliette of forgetting. I cannot do that again.

In this time of discovery, things begin to feel safer. The things that could have caused major differences are past, and what remains is largely about appreciation. The tumble into understanding hastens, and intimacy deepens as the pages are turned. I want to fall in love with Amanda, and I think I will. As I open up to her, I will unfurl my emotions and they will solidify into connections that bring us closer together. My heart already beats for her, and that energy invades all parts of me. My manhood is electric for her physical self, rising even with just a few words of trust from her lips. I am a machine, pumping the fluids of eccentric joy. I have found someone who I desire to know deeply, of who’s respect I yearn for, and who’s body I’m enslaved by.

Tonight is a night of peace, as the fertile land of my uncharted journey lays beneath me; a welcoming landscape I pine to explore. And soon I shall, and I will find myself neck deep in enthusiasm for her, as if I wasn’t already.

Have a tranquil and restful night. On the cusp of great things, I bid thee farewell.


It’s been:

331 days since I tried to kill myself, and my life with Jax came to an end.

218 days since I started working for Mood Media.

115 days since I moved into my apartment.

63 days since I was officially divorced.

12 days since I met Amanda.

Get After It

It’s the start of a new week, and I feel great. I spent a wonderful weekend with someone I care about, and even got some shit done all the while. I woke up ready for my day, and now that it is upon me, I find it to be pretty laid back and event-less. No one is calling, even though it is typically busiest on Monday morning.

I got a bit of a workout this weekend doing things with my body that I had not done in many many months. Not that I’m complaining; it’s the good kind of sore.

Today is already a slog. I will keep this little post updated over the length of my shift.

**UPDATE 2:30 pm**

It got busy for a little while there, but has slowed down again. Amanda wants me to meet her son, and it looks like we are going to do that on Sunday at 9. I’m excited that she wants to take that step. We are happy together, and we’ve already covered so much ground. Our conversations have been deep and meaningful. Our understanding of each other’s pasts has been extensive and optimistically curious. We are engaging on deep and meaningful levels in multiple regards. I’m very pleased.

I hope your afternoon is rolling by without being a pain in the ass. Peace.

**UPDATE 3:45 pm**

Last break of the day. Things have slowed again. I’m feeling like I could use some coffee, but I don’t have time to go get any, and there’s no way I’m drinking work coffee. Rancid pig vomit that stuff is. Also known as Folgers.

Amanda has her son this week, and I am glad she will be with someone who loves her. It’s an invigorating feeling to be the twinkle in someone’s eye, to have an everlasting hold of their heart. I admire and respect the mother-child relationship.

Things are good blog. I will be happy to be headed home, despite my need to go shopping before I get to jump into my jams. All good things to those who wait.


Rapture of night,
Hues bent and pale,
Sullen as the arctic sea,
Crisp snap of white fire.

Skirts caught in the wind,
The promise of hands–
And forgotten regret,
Shadows under the stars,
A distant whisper.

Run ragged in passion,
Exploratory fingers,
A taste of soft seams,
Subtle to yearn,
Desperate for release,
The clutch of together.

Child of moonlight,
A story in her eyes,
Wear the hat of chance,
Ever embraced,
The search is over.

Sunday Bliss

I have had an awesome day, and feel fantastic about how I spent my weekend. Amanda and I got back together this morning and had a day of talking, sharing, gaming and intimacy. I did my laundry with her, changed the rock tumblers as well, and found myself enjoying my day off tremendously, in the company of someone I find very special.

We fit together, and we are already building a bond that I intend to last. I don’t know what the future will reveal, but with every fiber of my desire, I want to spend it with her.

I feel amazing. Today is usually a sullen day, one that I spend alone, watching TV or playing games. But I have no one to talk to, and the stone floors are so very cold and unforgiving. I have been truly shocked by how good I feel with her, and how sweet and thoughtful she is. I find her interesting on many levels, and we still have so much to talk about. The learning has only just begun, and I am captivated by her at this moment in our journey. I don’t know what else to say, I’m happy right down to my core, and the empty hole inside me left vacant by love forsaken is being nurtured and healed.

I’m pretty tired. I didn’t get to bed until around 1 last night, and I will have to do some cleaning in my bathroom tomorrow morning. I had started to clean it, but then I shaved and messed it all up again. My dishes are done though, and that was bothering me that I hadn’t done them.

Have a good night blog. I will rest easy and peacefully, and dream of my Luna.


I’m up WAY past my bedtime, and with good reason. Plans changed rapidly today as towards the end of my shift Amanda and I got to talking. We agreed that instead of meeting for coffee we’d much rather play Diablo II, so she offered to host a LAN party at her apartment. I thought it would be way more fun than me sitting alone at home on Skype so I agreed. I went home after work and gathered up the essential computer components and headed over.

We got into a conversation, and soon Diablo II was nearly forgotten as we shared stories of trauma, past relationships and general philosophies about our perceptions of the world. It was the most refreshing and amazing discussion I’ve had with anyone in a long time. We held nothing back, and told each other the unadulterated truth. I asked her if we could see each other exclusively, and if she would be my girlfriend. She said yes. I reached out and held her hand, and then I sat beside her and wrapped my arms around her shoulders. We held each other for a while, and then we kissed. Fireworks.

We talked, drank coffee, and grew closer as the evening was spent. It was unlike anything I have known to be possible. We connected on deep, essential, fundamental points. Passion and synergy captured us, and soon we were together, as one, looking into each other’s eyes and sharing a moment of unity. It was an explosion of understanding, a raging fire of passion, everything I had imagined and more. She was incredible.

We luxuriated in our underthings and talked about our tomorrow, which was rapidly approaching. I knew I had to get home and take my meds, even though I wanted to stay the night there with her. I made the only choice, and we resolved to reconvene in the morning.

Blog, this was most unexpected, but completely welcome. She’s someone who I have grown very fond of, and want to go on a journey with as I understand her better. There are still many things we have yet to learn; the first chapter of our tale has only just begun. I’m not in love. How could I possibly have such a profound emotion at so early a stage? We are resolved to discover each other over the course of our relationship. We have a physical magnetism that cannot be denied, and we held nothing back tonight. We fit together.

I am on the path to discover someone who shares a remarkable number of commonalities with me, although I have learned much, there are many chapters yet to be written. Next week she will be with her son, and I will be in a holding pattern. I respect the irreplaceable bond between mother and child, and in time, I will come to know him too. I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t want anyone but her.

It has been quite a night, and now it is time for me to rest. Until tomorrow blog, be well travelers.


Tonight was a good night. I spent my few recreational hours with Amanda, and I am growing quite fond of her. We got through the underground passage and found the dark woods waypoint after running into some technical difficulties early on. But I managed to remedy the problem and get us playing for an hour or so. But I had to call it quits just now because my alarm will be going off at 6:30 am and I start work an hour after that. Tomorrow, after my shift, I will be headed out to get the tumblers going on the 500 grit, just two weeks away from their final stage. My mom will be back in town just in time to see them finish. Then I’m going out for coffee with Amanda. I’m really excited to see her. We’ve had fun over the last week or so. We exchanged over 200 messages on Match and have been texting each other every day just to see how things are going. Not only is she fun to be around but I’m really attracted to her. She’s cute, and is quite small (5’0″) which is so awesome. I love to be the big guy with the tiny girl. I can cover her up like a big man blanket. Wow. That sounded weird.

Anyway, it’s going to be a fun weekend. After that coffee date, we are going to go see The Battle Of The Five Armies on Sunday. I don’t know what to do about my growing feelings. Should I make the first move and ask her to be my girlfriend? Should I wait? We’ve been talking for 8 days, but I feel like I know her. Granted, there is still a lot of time to discover each other, and I’m not in a hurry to get anywhere. I feel my heart beating in my chest when I think about her, and the ways I’d like to kiss her. I’m pretty passionate, and sometimes that gets me in over my head. Things feel good right now, and I don’t want that feeling to stop. And neither does she, from what I can tell. I don’t know what to do still. I’m defaulting to taking my time and letting things play out naturally.

Have a safe and fun night. I’ll jet you know how it goes.

Almost There!

Hello and good morning. It is nearing the end of another week, and boy have I been on a tear. I’ve been doing great at work, fielding calls and making very few mistakes (and correcting them immediately in the event that I do make them). Just to compare, on Tuesday I was in the billing queue until 3:30 pm (as mandated by my boss), and I took 37 calls. Yesterday, with no billing queue, I took 18 calls. Holy. Crap. So yesterday was pretty laid-back, which is not my preference for my job, but I’d much rather have nothing to do than to take billing calls all day long. Now that we six DTOC agents are out of the billing queue, their numbers have dropped off (I suppose because it used to be that we picked up those overflowing calls when there was nothing going on in the drive thru queues, and now we don’t, and they sit on hold accumulating minutes while going unanswered). What I do is mostly about numbers and accountability. At my job, they keep track of every minute you spend while logged into the queue, whether you are in a worktime mode (when you are not eligible to take incoming calls), on a break or available, they monitor everything. So the faster we answer an incoming call, the better our numbers look. They are all graded by percentages. 100% means that no calls were abandoned (someone called, and got disconnected, and no one called them back) and all calls were answered in under 15 seconds. It’s hard to maintain a 100% because the more calls you take, inevitably some get abandoned, and eventually there are more of them coming in than there are agents to answer the calls, so they sit on hold and the longer that happens, the worse our percentage gets. We usually have 8 – 12 people available at any given time to take incoming calls, and most of the time, all of them are on a call already (but it still shows you as available unless you are in a worktime mode or on break). Out averages range between the upper 60s (on a not good day), and 90s. Now compare that to the billing queue, which has an average between 28 – 34 agents available and averages in the 70s pretty much all the time, rarely breaking 80. This just speaks of the problem with billing, in that no matter how many mooks you put in there, that queue still gets overwhelmed, and taking 6 people out of the pool of available agents doesn’t make much sense to me, but it’s what they decided to do, and I’M NOT COMPLAINING.

Enough about work. Emotionally, I’m doing great. Things are advancing down the path of friendship between Amanda and I. She’s really neat, and I’m enjoying the process of getting to know her. I hope we can continue to bond over subjects we share a common interest in. I just put together her playlist and I have only good things to say. It’s not obnoxious crap, it’s more in line with techno but darker and with lyrics. Some of the bass lines remind me of Paul Okenfold’s Tranceport. So it’s been cool to hear what her preferences are. I’m taking every opportunity I can to learn something from her.

Today is most people’s Friday, but for me it’s more like Thursday. I will get through today and be ready for some fun tonight. I’m also just about at the end of my food supply, which I will most likely remedy on Saturday after my shift. I’m in high spirits, and still managing to do good things for myself as often as I can manage. I’m pretty excited about my life again, and I’m glad for that change. Take care today blog.


I just spent the last couple of hours playing Diablo II with Amanda, and we had a great time. She’s really funny, and we were laughing our asses off the whole way through.

It bring into focus the last time I tried to play this game with someone. I’m still the same me, but change the partners and a huge transformation of results takes place. Not to get too into it or anything, but this new experience was a dramatic reversal from my last good-intended attempt. Amanda is open to suggestion, and understands that the Tank (me) leads and the DPS (her) follows where I go. The DPS doesn’t run off alone and get into a fight. That’s not how it works. Jax didn’t want anyone telling her what to do, ever, so she resented me for leading. She said I was too controlling.

Tonight’s highly entertaining and reasonable session was more on par with what I had hoped gaming with someone would be like. Everyone knows their rolls, we share and split gear, we designate who is picking up what, and it represents a coordinated effort of two experienced gamers having fun. It’s not a personal attack designed to make one person dominant over the other. Self-consciousness has no place on the innocuous world of video games. Diablo II should be about having a good time with a friend. And that we did; rendering a great deal of laughter and tomfoolery. That’s the way it SHOULD be. And I haven’t changed how I play Diablo II, I just changed the players involved and got a massively different outcome.

Amanda is really funny. Of Blood Raven she said: I need me some more mana potions so I can kill dis bitch. And had a squeal of joy for every loose stone we turned over that had gems hiding underneath it. She’s a pleasure to game with, and we had a great time knocking out the first two quests of act 1.

But now it is my bed time. I’m in a great mood. I have finally found an intelligent, confident and experienced gamer to roam the virtual countryside with. And that’s an awesome feeling. It’s not because I’m just a big controlling asshole, it’s just s matter of finding the right partner.

Hump Day

It’s my Wednesday because I work a 6 day week for the rest of this month. So hooray for hump day! I have lots of things that I’m looking forward to: changing the rocks over to the 500 grit on Saturday, going out with Amanda that night, and going to a movie with her the next day. Last night we Skyped and we’re getting her computer ready for multiplayer Diablo II. we would have gamed last night but didn’t let us connect with the Perfect Drop Mod. So we’re going to use Hamachi and just do a LAN game. Which works for me, and gets us playing together, which is going to be a ton of fun.

She gave me a playlist of music to listen to and I have since downloaded most of it, and will put the playlist together on my computer and give it a try. I don’t anticipate being unsatisfied. She has a bit of a subterranean musical preference, where I am just all over the place. I can listen to just about anything with the exception of country (which is lame) and rap (which is organized thuggery). I don’t care if your rap group is different, your musical medium is the flawed component, and highly undesirable in my opinion.

Today I will not field a single billing call. Hoo-fucking-ray. And I subsequently will not be needed to teach it to other agents. While I am somewhat sad that I will not have a chance to instruct others to do billing, I am many times more relieved that I do not have to take those fucking calls anymore. I hate billing, and I’ve had to do it for 6 months and I still hate it even though I know how to do it correctly.

So today I round the final stretch. Headed for home. I will be periodically updating this post as the day plods on. But I will have an amazing and insightful woman to chat with through the day. Not too shabby.

**UPDATE 2:00 pm**

I found out my glasses aren’t coming in until the 28th, which sucks. They said they were going to expedite it… so much for that. Instead of wearing my sunglasses all day long like a doofus, I’m wearing a pair of glasses from about five or so years ago. My long-distance vision is really really bad now. But within 5 feet or so I’m a fucking laser.

Tonight I’m hanging out on the internets with Amanda. I’m having a lot of fun with this neat woman. I hope things keep rolling along the way they seem to be headed. It’s all good news for me!

**UPDATE 4:00 pm**

This part of the day always drags. There aren’t many incoming calls, and I’d rather be busy than bored. But there you have it. Things at work are good, if not a little dull.

I’ve got an appointment with Dr. Judge at the beginning of February, and Margaret is telling me that continuity of care is the most important factor in my treatment plan. Even though I have valid insurance now, I would have to switch all my support team to a brand new crew, and I’m not excited about that. It will also start costing me a lot of money and that’s not something I look forward to either. But at some point it will have to happen.

Right now, I feel good. I’m a little tired. Boy was getting up this morning a real bitch. It was a little after 7, and I was hardcore struggling to keep my eyes open. Even after my French pressed coffee, I was still dead. I didn’t get to sleep last night until around 10 pm and apparently that’s no bueno.

Have a good evening. I can hardly wait to get out of here.


They have taken us all out of the billing queue!!! I never anticipated that this day would come, in fact, I thought I’d be teaching billing to the rest of the team. They, in their infinite mercy, decided to do what I did not think they would ever do. Now, I’m just a DTOC call agent, the actual job I was hired to do. I’m relieved and thankful. Frankly, I’d rather have nothing to do with billing. The calls suck, the kickback is constant, and no one seems willing to do their jobs correctly. Now I can wipe my hands of the sordid affair. A great sigh of satisfaction pervades.

I got up early and went to therapy this morning. It was great to go see Margaret with a basket full of news. I got to tell her all about Amanda, and what a change it has been to be talking to her. I’m really having fun, and being super self aware as I go. I’m not over-investing and I’m not getting my hopes up. Anything could happen still. But the way it looks for now is quite promising. Indeed. So I had lots to talk about, and she really did notice how much more upbeat I was. It was a productive session.

I’m in the middle of my day. Tonight Amanda and I will begin our quest towards glory as we begin scouring the realm of Sanctuary of the evil that now dwells there.


Windblown thickets
The surreal golden hue
Radiant eyes piercing
Tattered garments
Crisp slicing cry
Lining up like splines
Kicking the rampant
In a daze of autumn
Stumbling over fascination
Tossing and curling delicates
Batting eyelashes
Cool blue reason
Air of promise
Redeeming in reality
Blood pumping
Sweat pouring
Caught up in knots
Splintered to strain
Destined for touch
The kiss of fire
Warm hands folding
Walking over bridges
As the sun sets

Great, Great, Great!

I met Amanda tonight, and it went really well. Super good, in fact. We connected on several more life-related subjects, and I had her laughing all the way through. And she had me laughing too. There was no topic that was too deep, no area where we dared not go. It started with a hand shake and ended with a big hug. Phenomenal!

She’s totally cute too. And I was genuinely surprised by how attracted I was to her. Her pictures don’t do her justice. Not at all. Blog, I really like this woman. There’s no denying that I have very real feelings for her. Seeing her in person just brought it all back into focus for me. Things are happening.

Maybe this is the beginning of a great new adventure that I will go on. Maybe it will wash out and become nothing. I can’t predict the future. But I can tell you that she makes me feel really good in my heart; she makes me not alone anymore. And I think that understanding is mutual.

I will be sleeping tonight in bliss. Maybe I will dream something exciting. My brain is all energized with positive thoughts. I’m stoked. Wow. Just. Wow.

**UPDATE 9:00 pm**

She wrote me and said that it was “wonderful to meet me.” Blush. And she is looking forward to coffee on Saturday. As am I. I can’t tell you how good all of this is making me feel. I’m on a fucking roll. Boom.


I’m glad to have something really uninhibitedly positive emanating from my life. This is the result of the application of a little proactive courage, as I have pushed myself to address the lonely place in my heart with some kind of action. I was having such a hard time tearing myself away from the sadness; a natural side-effect of extended isolation. Now, it’s not like I was suffering all the time or whatever. That’s not the case. I was doing fine, but not 100%. I knew my life was missing something, and friendship is the beginning of that gap being bridged. I could have proceeded with my life much the way it was, with me going to work and grinding for my pay and coming home to an empty, cold house every night. But that kind of life does not foster an escalation of happiness, instead, it presents me with a routine that I follow in order to stay alive. I yearn for something more than just stability.

This morning, I am drinking my coffee with a smile on my face. I am very pleased that tonight, after work, I will be meeting up with Amanda at Starbucks to give her the Diablo II battlechest I purchased for myself by mistake. I tried to cancel the order, but it had already been boxed and labeled for shipment, so there was no going back. It worked out well though: Amanda was going to have to go to a retail store to find it, and I doubt that would have ended in immediate success. The game has been out for more than 10 years… it’s not something you can just pull off the shelf of any old store and expect them to have it. Now, however, things are lined up. We will be gaming at night during the week and having fun slaughtering the endless minions of Diablo as they infest the realm of Sanctuary. To victory!

So I’ve got some things to look forward to. I’m not sure if we will be gaming tonight, because it will be close to bed-time before I get back to the house and eat dinner. We are also going to connect via Skype, which should be good. I will really enjoy having someone to talk to about game stuff.

Blog, I must be clear: I’m not thinking that this road will expedite my journey back to love, but rather, has presented me with a chance to get to know someone better, and relate to another human being on a deep level. I can’t say where this path goes, I mean, can I see the future now all of a sudden? I am open to whatever logical, healthy processes occur as a result of this interaction, but I don’t have any expectations, and I don’t have all of my eggs in one basket. If this goes away, I will still have the confidence I gained from starting this journey to find someone to be in my life, and that will not dissipate. I am sure that I can find a friend, even if Amanda (however optimistic I am about it) doesn’t fit into my life for whatever reason. I have been talking to myself over the last few days, so that I can be aware that there are possibilities for me regardless of what transpires between she and I. There is no reason for me to bet it all (again) on someone so early on into the interaction. Or at all, even if the thing does seem like a lock. I am not going to fall into the trap of setting myself up to repeat the same mistakes I have made in my past. I have grown and learned from that time, and I will be a better steward of my life.


Have a great day blog. I’m waling out the door with a grin from ear to ear. I can’t help but be happy right now. I have good feelings prancing about in my heart, and my sorrow is far away from the forefront of my mind. May your day be awesome!

Expecting To Fly

What a day blog. First off, apparently most people had today off (Martin Luther King Jr. Day), and therefore, zero traffic. I zoomed, both directions, no snarl whatsoever. Then, work was pretty light, I was well under average today. I may not have even broke the 30s. I was really tired though, so I drank two big coffees today and that perhaps was not a good idea. I had my last one around 1 pm and now that dinner is here I still have a suppressed appetite. But I’m still cooking a flank steak anyway. I need to eat. Can’t drive the boat without a captain.

I’ve been talking to Amanda all day, and I was really nervous for part of it, because I had a big huge reveal about my mistake-laden past and then I didn’t hear anything back for a couple hours. So naturally, I panicked, thinking that she had read what I wrote and been inclined to withdraw. But I was proven wrong by her intelligent, understanding and ultimately sympathetic reply. She too has been through some shit, and she generally accepted me despite all that poop. I was relieved, happy, heck, even joyous that someone could look at the sum of mistakes in my history and still find cause to engage with me. I was both stunned and ecstatic. I’m having a really good time talking with her, and tomorrow night, we meet for the first time. I’m really looking forward to it.

Today I talked to myself a lot and tried to be rational despite all the fun I’m having. My life has been pretty bland lately, and Amanda has come right along and spiced it right up. I have someone insightful and relevant to talk to, and that makes me very content indeed.

Tonight I will trade words with her some more, and continue building a meaningful bond. This is a cause that truly seems worthy of my attention. I long to find a cure for my unending loneliness, and now that I have applied myself to remedying that, progress is being made. In leaps and bounds, even. Have a great night. I know I am.


Part of getting to know someone is the process of unpacking your past so that they can better understand your life and tribulations. I’m going through this with Amanda, and since I have so much mud on my shoes (so to speak) I’m nervous about it. What if she rejects me? Things are moving along so nicely, could the stark truth of my past bring an end to that?

It seems though, that we have more things in common than we do major differences of opinion and circumstance. We both had similar upbringings being someone with a mental illness being raised by someone (also) with a mental illness. We have both endured bullying at school, but hers because she was always the more mature “new kid” on the scene. Mine was just because I was truly different, odd, perplexing and random. And kids enjoy a general sense of conformity, which is what seems to be the norm for them. Anything outside the umbrella is ridiculed and hated, and so was I. I skipped 6th grade so that I could get away from those kids, and move on to a better circumstance with my peers in a new grade, new scene, new try.


But I’m still afraid that she will frown on me for having been divorced twice, but I’m also not going to hide the truth from her. Anything I build here must be forged on the anvil of honesty, and that is the driving goal behind all my actions in this regard. I do not want a repeat of the past, so what better a way to assure that than to make the past public knowledge? I can’t think of a way that spins me as doing the wrong thing here. If there is going to be any future between Amanda and I, it will have to be built on truth.


I’ll keep you updated as to the outcome of my reveal.

Outcome = understanding and honest acceptance. We continue to be very relatable to each other, and our conversation is becoming more real, and less experimental. We are connecting on some very fundamental levels. I’m really ecstatic about this. I’m headed in such a positive direction now, better than I have had in a long time.

**UPDATE 1:00 pm**

I’m feeling great today. Talking about hard stuff and being accepted despite that is really amazing. I feel a genuine connection to Amanda, one that gives me a lot of hope for the future. I don’t know where this road I’m walking will lead, but I am excited to be taking steps to help myself live a better life. One that I can feel proud of and comforted by. This world is hard and quite unforgiving at times. To have a genuine connection with someone willing to see who you are is quite extraordinary. I’m having fun with it, and everything we’ve shared so far leads me to believe more good things are lying in wait.

Getting It Right

So I’ve noticed that after the weekend, I tend to fall flat on my face emotionally. I don’t really know why this is, but maybe it has something to do with not looking forward to going back to work for six straight days. Or coming down from the relaxation and family interaction of the recess. I’m thinking it’s just kinda hard to get up and go face my Monday sometimes, knowing that there’s going to be a ton of work there for me to do. I haven’t been able to hang the last two Mondays, I’m really hoping I can buck that trend and stay for my full shift. I’m gearing up so that I’m more than ready for tomorrow. I know things are going to work out fine.

I’m downloading a legit copy of Diablo II from right now, and I’m going to install it momentarily and run the perfect drop mod on it. Then Amanda and I are going to convene for some excellent gaming on the interwebs. She’s going Amazon, for the ranged component, and I will be going Druid (shapeshifting of course). I want to be able to tank Werebear and DPS with Werewolf. Bear tank with hunger is hard to stop.

Update: it’s confirmed, I’m legit and connected to US East for open with the Perfect Drop Mod installed and ready to go. I can hardly wait! This is going to be some fun, I can tell you that right now. But I’m officially a dork: I forgot that I had already registered my Diablo II CD keys years ago. Why is this important? Because I just ordered the game on Amazon yesterday. Doh. So now I have two copies of the game. I have already messaged Amanda to see if I can give her that copy I ordered. Saves her a trip to the store anyway.

My new glasses will be coming in sometime this week, though I know not when. I’m ever eagerly awaiting the call to come pick them up. Maybe by the time I do my eyes will be fried beyond recognition for having had to strain through sunglasses for several days in a row. I hope I don’t lose all the valuable light sensitivity resistance I’ve accumulated from having not worn my sunglasses for a long time before this most recent disaster. Being tinted all the time is a bummer. But I’m a dork and those glasses died horribly, and are now out in the trash.

Today was cool. I went over to my uncle’s house in the morning and had breakfast. He had thought the NFC Championship game was on at 10:00 am, when it was actually on at 12:05 pm. So we had some time to kill before the kickoff. We chatted about football, and made interesting observations from our comfy seats. He has a 65 inch LED in his living room, and it’s like a damn movie theater in there. That screen sucks you in it’s so gargantuan. My uncle is planning to do lots of modifications to the house and make it a deluxe palace of screens and radness. He has an outdoor patio area too that has another TV and seating all around it. It’s a nice place, and there’s a good reason I like going over there. The being around people is the best part though, and having the chance to interact with my aunt and uncle. We extended family members are generally much closer to each other than in most other families, I’m finding.


This week is going to be different than most weeks. I have quite a few things to look forward to, and the lack of those things generally causes me distress. But this week will be different, I can tell already. I’m going to be fine. I made a good CD that I’ve had fun listening to. I have my gaming with Amanda and then two dates on the weekend! What more can a lonely boy ask for?

So what really needs to happen this week is a steady uphill climb towards the next achievable goal: making it to the weekend again (however abbreviated). I did spend a lot of this weekend alone. I did things on my own and spent maybe 2 hours with my uncle, all told. I went shopping, I did my laundry, I took out the trash, and I turned the tumblers over. I also went to work for four hours on Saturday. Definitely eventful. But on a more introspective note: I spent a lot of time with myself too. Just being around the house, or playing a game on my computer. I need to get used to being alone, because I’m not always going to have someone to be with. My parents will only really be here for the shorter part of February, and then they’re off on a cross-country trip to the Florida keys. That will take them a very long ways away. I will need to muster the strength to only count on myself, and find safety and tranquility in that fact. I believe that I can do it, nut it will no doubt challenge me. I believe I am ready.

One final note here: I had engaged several women with emails indicating I’d like to chat with them on Match, but heard back from Amanda first. Another nice lady, Sia asked me on a date and I had to turn her down. I am already walking down the road with someone… I’m not going to lead anyone on. And just ten minutes ago another lady, Erin emailed me asking to start a conversation. Holy crap! When it rains it pours I guess. Another person I will have to turn down is what it amounts to. I have had huge success with Match compared to OkCupid, and a much better pairing as well (Amanda and I have quite a few things in common). I’m not happy to have to tell people “no,” but it’s kinda a good problem to have. Confidence boosting, that’s for sure.

Have a great night blog. My Sunday keeps getting better and better.

Good Tidings

I’m having a great day so far. All last night before bed and all this morning I have been chatting with Amanda. Turns out we have quite a few things in common. Not only that, but we have set-up another date, this one the day after our coffee meetup, in which we plan to go see The Battle Of The Five Armies. Two dates on consecutive days? Nice! Also, during the week we are going to skype together and play Diablo II. She expressed an interest in the game and I told her all about the Perfect Drop Mod, and we’re going to play a few games on open and see where it goes. But we’re both clearly really excited about each other. Not only is she a creative artist, she’s also a pianist, and quite attractive. This is a really good turn of events for me.


I’m quite ecstatic about our interactions so far. We have some really fundamental things in common, which bodes well for future compatibility. She wakes early, and goes to bed before 10, like someone else I know. She has a son and is divorced, but none of that makes a difference to me. I’m great with kids, and I respect that she is still a part of her child’s life despite the divorce from his father. I am taking small steps in getting to know this neat woman more, and wherever it leads, I’m prepared to go. I’m strong and independently stable, and I don’t plan to jeopardize that. I also don’t want to be hopelessly alone any more. I can’t wait to tell Margaret I have not only one date but TWO, and online meetups scheduled for the week. Rad.


Blog, you have been here with me while I rebuilt my life, and now you can see the amazing transformation from decimated and depressed to engaged and active. Now it’s time to take the next step, and see where it takes me.

Things I Did

I worked this morning from 8:00 am until 12:00 pm or so. We were all in for some training in yet another drive thru system we support. Our instructor got a little carried away with making problems for us to figure out that even she didn’t know the answer to. It’s not stuff we are going to run into on the phones, in reality. But learning is always an opportunity, in my mind.

After that was over, I drove out to El Cajon to set the rock tumblers. They have been rounding on the 60/90 aluminum oxide grit and are now on the 120/220 grit. The stones are taking shape already, as the first week usually sizes them up pretty much to where they will be in the end. The next stage will help make the surfaces of the stones smoother, while also shaping them a bit more. By the end, they become glassy and reflective, and reveal a layer of color never before seen. It’s a really neat process, I find. Ant the tumbler who’s motor I replaced is doing super, and powering along like nobody’s business. Everything looked to be in order, and I’ll be back next Saturday to get them started on the 500 grit.

I had a lot of free time this afternoon. I watched the first third of The Return Of The King, as I had seen the other two films last weekend. I was bored though.

In social news, I have a date next weekend! I’m going out for coffee with Amanda, and I have started talking to another woman named Sia. But Sia is cautious about talking to me because I’m mentally ill and divorced. She may or may not be talking to me further. Amanda, on the other hand, has just finalized a date for next Saturday night at 6 at the Starbucks in La Mesa, one of my old haunts. Let me say that again: I have a confirmed date next Saturday! I’m pretty happy about that. We’ve had a good conversation so far, and I’m having fun.

I’m going over to my uncle’s house tomorrow for breakfast and football. He’s been pretty awesome about letting me come over and hang out. I find the games are more fun when you have a buddy to watch them with. I’m bringing over eggs and sausage so we can have a right-proper feast. And then I will come home in the afternoon and do my laundry.

So blog, things are going pretty good for me right now. I have a lot to look forward to. New places and new faces and who knows what will come of it all. I’m cautiously optimistic. But I can’t get down on myself. Look at all the good, nourishing things I am doing to help keep me happy and stable!!

Have a great night you guys. I’m on a roll!

January Mood Album – Leaps And Bounds

I haven’t done one of these in a good long while, and since I’ve been on such a tear of late, now would be great time to do one. The motivation for this album comes from the narrative of progress, and the struggle to endure the cycles of depression. This album goes from a fractured, angry place to a corrected path leading to prosperity, with pauses along the way to remember the past.

1. Holiday – Green Day
2. Falling Away From Me – Korn
3. Meet The Creeper – Rob Zombie
4. All Over You – Live
5. Tonight She Comes – The Cars
6. Too Low For Zero – Elton John
7. What I Got (Reprise) – Sublime
8. Philadelphia Freedom – Hall & Oates
9. Creep – Radiohead
10. Walking On Broken Glass – Annie Lennox
11. Big Girls Don’t Cry (Personal) – Fergie
12. Laid So Low (Tears Roll Down) – Tears For Fears
13. Stand Or Fall – The Fixx
14. Deep – Pearl Jam
15. Kyrie – Mr. Mister
16. Paparazzi – Lady GaGa
17. Neutron Dance – The Pointer Sisters
18. A Little Respect – Erasure
19. Can’t Take It With You – The Alan Parsons Project

It’s Still Thursday For Me

But what a Thursday it was! I learned a lot at work today about equipment we support that I really didn’t have much experience with. I had a customer tell me this afternoon: “you’re much more knowledgeable than the other techs I’ve talked to. Can I ask for you next time I call?” I’ll take that compliment all day. Even though the other techs and I were all hired at the same time, I come off as WAY more on top of my shit than those other guys do. For whatever reason.

So today was good. I ate my little sandwich like I always do, and worked hard. In the morning, I went to the optometrist to get my eye exam and order new glasses. Fun, right? They did about 4 million tests on me, which amounted to staring into a dark hole and having something bright flashed in my eye over and over again. But I’m going to get more durable frames this time. For sure. My insurance covered about $250 of the cost, and I ate the $325 left over. My eyes are definitely worth it. I kinda need them.

My mood has been consistent, and subsequently good. I’m around 80% mostly because I had to get started so fucking early today to get to the eye doctor on time. I have some song lyrics stuck in my head, as you may have deduced from my first post today. Poignant words from an unexpected source. Tomorrow is Saturday but since I still have to go to work, it’s more like a Friday. I go right from there to storage to change the grit in the tumblers, which has me all excited to see how they handled the first big shape-changing stage. Hopefully there were no power failures or other calamities that would have caused this process to be delayed. And then I should probably go shopping.

I’m doing good, overall. I think that I’m finally getting back into a positive groove with my life. I’m reaching out to others and at least attempting to make my social network bigger. I am not weighing success in dating as progress, but rather, healthy activity that can come and go, considering the attempt at it is the thing that makes me feel better. I’m trying, and I have been proving to myself that I care about this and would like to change how lonely I feel.

Another early start for me tomorrow. But not a whole shift. Just 3 hours of training on a new system we cover. My bosses are going to be in there too. So I’ll check back in tomorrow when I am free.

Fergie – Big Girls Don’t Cry (Personal)

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You’re probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection, baby
To be with myself in center
Clarity, peace, serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, myself and I
We’ve got some straightenin’ out to do

And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry

The path that I’m walkin’, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps ’til I’m full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, myself and I
We’ve got some straightenin’ out to do

And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We’ll play jacks and Uno cards
I’ll be your best friend and you’ll be my

Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to
‘Cause I want to hold yours too
We’ll be playmates and lovers
And share our secret worlds

But it’s time for me to go home
It’s getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself in center
Clarity, peace, serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, myself and I
We’ve got some straightenin’ out to do

And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry


So remember when just the arm of my glasses broke? A situation that was addressed by some well placed packing tape? The frame was so uncomfortable on my face, and colliding with my eyelashes that I attempted to make minor adjustments to have them not awkwardly smashing my left eye. Turns out, that was just the excuse my glasses needed to destroy themselves, breaking into two pieces at the nose bridge. Joy. As luck would have it, I still owned a pair of prescription sunglasses, which were not in several pieces. So I wore my shades, explaining to everyone in the fluorescent-lit call center about the demise of my regular glasses. My shift doesn’t end until 6:00 pm, so driving home in the dark with my sunglasses on was really dumb, and potentially dangerous. But I had no choice. Tomorrow I go to get my new glasses, but they may not be ready for days. So sunglasses or bust.

So I started a account, and paid for a month with all the bells and whistles. Someone I reached out to this morning wrote me back, interested in conversation. Her name is Amanda, and we had an exchange of messages that lasted the length of the day, trading interests, hobbies, insights and truths. I didn’t hide that I was bipolar. Why would I? It would need to be discussed at some point anyway. So we had a good chat, one that is scheduled to continue into tomorrow. It’s a very promising start, needless to say. And more importantly: it’s making me feel good. She’s a neat lady, and I really would like to get to know her better. And that may happen, or it may wither away into nothing. We’ll have to wait and see.

Today I took 34 calls, above average again, and thus time it was due in large part to the billing queue. I was busy all day with payments, invoice reprints, autopay setups, and other escalated issues that could not be resolved by me, prompting tasks and emails to get the attention of someone who would be able to address the problem. And I got yelled at for things I have zero control over, but didn’t have a single order kicked back at me. Ryan had like four, and he never looks at his universal work queue to grab his orders (which can’t be shipped because something is wrong with them) and fix the issue with them that is causing the hold up. He and several other agents had orders kicked back at them, and they spent the whole day not doing anything about it. Nice, right? These are the people I work with.

I’m back up to 90% which is generally about as high as this percentage thing goes. I’m never at 100%, because I’m not perfect, and there is always a little something wrong that keeps me in check. Lingering regret, bad thoughts, or general fatigue are all things that damage the percentage. But I really can’t ask for more. I’ve been on a roll these past few days. And I’m feeling super.

I need to go to bed. I’m up at 6:00 am to get my act together and get over to the eye care center by 7:30. Farewell blog. I’ll see you tomorrow.


My stupid glasses broke this morning and now it’s annoying to wear them because they’re all messed up. I put tape on them to prevent a complete failure but they’re sucky now. I made an appointment with the eye doctor for tomorrow at 7:30 so I can go in there and get some decent glasses. Plus I have vision care now, so the cost should be minimal.

I also created a Match account, I guess because I was tired of hearing myself complain about being lonely, or reminiscing about lost loves. I don’t have much hope that anything will come of it, but at least now I can’t say that I have bound myself to indefinite suffering. My expectations are none, as my only hope here is to try and build a friendship with someone new, who shares a common passion. I’m into some neat things, and I would like someone to explore them with. Maybe this will result in something positive, or it may wash out to nothing. But I’m trying, and that’s better than shutting down and isolating over the long-term.

Today is my hump-day, because I have two more full days of work after this one. And that will be the case for the remaining part of this month. I don’t mind that it’s not overtime. It’s still $112, which I’m not going to just pass up for any reason.

So that’s the news. Emotionally, I’m somewhere around 85% today, and trending up. A full day of work typically deans me pretty good, but as I’ve been resting early and waking up refreshed, I’m not concerned about maintaining a decent energy level. The downward trend is over, and now will begin the steady climb back to normalcy.

I’m being proactive: whether it’s my eyes or brain, I’m keeping a close watch on my health and stability. It’s my only solemn duty at this point so I’d rather not muck it up.


I just wanted to let you know that I was somewhere around 85% today and holding strong. I had a bit of a sulky morning, but that passed as I got down to business during my shift. Things have been improving all week, and that’s a reassuring sign. My parents are coming back by the end of January instead of mid next month. Also bonus.

My life might be boring, but it’s stable. And I am so thankful for that, because living between extremes as I have been is untenable. I don’t want my world to explode again like it seems to every few years.

Tonight, I rest easy. Things are on the up-and-up. It’s another busy day tomorrow, and I’m looking forward to the challenge.

Back Then

I’ve been reminiscing. I was officially divorced in late November, but that was not the thing that would push her out of my mind. Instead, I find myself pondering the strange outcome of our life together. We were so happy at times, so sad at others. I found that my depression really took hold of me through the winter of 2013 and our relationship being destroyed was collateral damage to my down-spiraling. I had gained a ton of weight, and was smoking cigarettes every day. My life was hanging by a thread. But for all of the sweet caring and love Jax had for me, I think she was shocked and horrified by how deep my rabbit hole goes. When she saw me break down into suicidal anger, and threaten those cops with weapons, she lost all semblance of respect for me. It was too painful a thing to behold, the one she loved willing to throw his life away. I know that after that night, she wasn’t coming back. She had seen the demon and wanted out. And frankly, I don’t blame her. My life was being primarily destroyed by me, and in my haste to obliterate myself, I had forgotten all about her. I was not interested in her trauma, the story was about MY trauma, and MY suffering. I made no space for her to breathe, and I choked her out of our relationship.

I wish things hadn’t gone that way, because she had a lot of value as a person, she was caring, creative, understanding and funny. She enjoyed coffee just as much as I do, and we had a blast collecting rocks together. I miss her sometimes, at least, those things about her. There were plenty of places where we were impassably disconnected, but neither of us realized that those differences could have been bridged with understanding, if only given the time to build it. I gave up on Jax first, sending myself into destruction. But she also saw me at my weakest, most vulnerable point and chose to sleep with someone else, which kinda sucked. When I was in the hospital, I cried myself to sleep at night on those plastic pillows. I sobbed because I was sad about what I had done, but more importantly, scared that I had lost the one person I loved. Which I did, I just hadn’t been told that yet. She came back after that night that she asked me to “let her go,” but it was clear her mind was in another place. She was already gone.


I did this to myself. And ever since that dismal point, I have striven to make something better out of my life. I admit that along the way, I lashed out at her in anger, in comments and emails. But eventually I wrote her a formal, heartfelt apology, where I laid out the shortcomings of my actions and asked her for forgiveness. I became aware of the large margin or responsibility I was accountable for, and took action on doing the right thing with it. I learned something from the fall, and I have moved on from that broken place to the best of my abilities. Do I still resent Jax? No, not at all. I actually completely understand why she did what she did. It’s not what I would have done, but I get where she was coming from. I have been looking at that night as a tragedy, when in reality it was an opportunity. A chance to prove my worth to the person who matters most… me. And that I have done.


So today as I work, I really don’t spend much time thinking about sadness as it pertains to that night. I think about a friend who I lost, and a life that I was leading that had all but dried up and was heading no where fast. It needed to be changed, but could I have been the one to change it? Not likely. It was already too far gone, and the board needed to be wiped clean and the reset button pushed. It was the only way, and our relationship may not have survived that, even if I had not melted down. I still regret the way I treated her, because I was so blinded by my own suffering that I never gave her the attention she deserved. I never really listened to her pain, only questioned why it was important. I was in no way mentally capable of handling anyone’s problems but my own. And even at that job, I was failing.


As I go along through my life, I can only look back and thank Jax for the time she spent with me. Having her in my life was a source of joy that had no rival. She has since moved on and found someone new to love, and a new place to call home, and I wish her nothing but the best in her journey. I have my own adventure to go on, and I’m very glad I am. Jax, wherever you are: thank you for being with me. I had fun, and I’m sure you did too. You will always have a space in my heart to call your own, and no one will remove you from it. That part of me will always be yours, whether you want it or not. Have a good life, as I will try to as well.


I made it through a full shift. But at what cost?

Meanwhile, in my brain: an epic struggle for control is unfolding between depression and rationality. The pervading and present adversarial view renders me down to my most undesirable qualities. I’m a person in contrast to most, and the things I derive meaning from are not (generally) embraced or understood. I struggle against the norm, I flounder as a popular representative of anything, and my meager opinions about reality are unanimously unwanted. On the other end of the roulette pistol is my logical mind, which builds arguments based on evidence, and acknowledges patterns and routines as foundational to progress (which I am inclined to agree with). These two forces are tearing each other apart in my mind, in a struggle that is wearing me down mentally to a point of not being able to function. The process is slow, so I do have lots of time before I totally dissolve into nothing. I’m on an introspective quest to better understand the deeply frustrating venue of my thoughts.

Today is a prime example of this conflict of forces: my life still must transpire, but at a degree of difficulty made unreasonable by civil war. I found that my actions were labored, and my concentration utterly fractured by the pulling and pushing of ongoing mental warfare. I tried to keep things in perspective; I endeavored to persevere. By the end of my shift, I had nothing left. I drove myself home bent in a frown while torturously sad music looped on endlessly. I promptly disassembled into my underwear and ate something so that I might then go to bed and finally be at peace. And this, here I am, alone in the dark making this trivial blog post to express the frustration of living with severe mental illness. I have nothing I yearn to do with my time but retreat to bed and seek the comfort of my sheets.

I don’t rightly know what drove me forward today. I was acutely aware of how much energy I was using to get through my shift. I started the day at 55% and finished the day at 30%. The battery isn’t taking a full charge anymore. I can get enough out of rest to go back to my desk and do what I am asked to do, but then afterward, I have little or no motivation for anything else. Life between shifts is bland and could easily be made of cardboard.

So tonight I’m hoping to fall asleep rapidly, and wake up refreshed and somewhere above 60%, which would mean my energy is gaining lost ground back, and then some. That’s all I’m really hoping for. I don’t have any assurances that it will happen.

May your night be far more spicy and exciting than mine, as you are not bound to struggle with every step, thought and breath, as I am. Or, so I hope.


I’m here in my truck before my shift starts. I feel somewhat mixed: nagging sadness hangs over a will to drive forward. So far, I’m not bailing out of my responsibilities because things feel bad. I’m enduring the pain and marching on regardless. It would be nice to have an upbeat demeanor, but that would require a shift in the foundation (being built on sadness).

I am bummed that I will be going it alone this month, and then some. I talk a lot about not having someone, but do I really want the implication of that feeling? I’m not on the market, I’m doing nothing whatsoever to seek out companionship, and fundamentally have no interest in it. I may be lonely, but that’s my road; one that I’m unwilling to break away from. I have achieved such unprecedented stability, and wealth, that I would not dare jeopardize it for easy companionship. The truth of the matter is that I am unlikely to find someone else who would be willing to deal with me. My violent mood swings, my dark deteriorations, and my pessimism. I’m not an easy person to love. Not at all. I don’t want to get involved with someone only to have to disappoint them when they find out who I really am.

My heart is empty. I don’t know that there is a resolution to any of that. I feel unsatisfied, unwanted, alone. Here at work, it’s only a reiteration of that, as I grind through call after call with no pause to socialize or gossip. I just do my job, regardless. It’s not very fulfilling, except for the motivation I give myself so that I can do well and succeed. But I’m just a conjurer, and I manage to fool myself into a positive state more often than not. It’s really only after time and repetition that the veil is lifted and sadness invades. It seems like my depression is gnawing at the edges of my stability waiting for a chance to come back in. Incessantly.

So I’m resolved to make it through a full day today, and for the rest of the week. I have nothing else going on in my world to otherwise occupy me from this duty. I have lost my flare and passion. My desire to game has all but vanished of late. I have been mostly reading things with my down-time, and writing out my struggles here. I’m generally hopeless. There will be no easy way out of this long stretch of solitude. There’s no where to go, no one’s arms to hide in. I have to stand up against it and do everything I can to hold it off, and push it back.

I’m going to get through this. It’s just hard, perhaps abnormally so for someone of my disposition. Struggling and prevailing is part of the lesson I still am learning. That things can feel desolate and empty, but that is not forever. The pendulum swings, and things are better again.

**UPDATE 1:00 pm**

It’s been a tough day. I’ve had lots to do all the way through to this point. My mind is a tad mushy. I’m having to be extra careful that I do not screw up any orders. But things are moving along. I still have the longer half of my day to go, and already I can see that it will be boring. But what can you do?

I’m putting my head down and doing what is asked of me. I’m not really in the mood to wander around and talk to people like some of these guys seem content to do. I just went up to the gas station to fill up my truck, and I didn’t buy any junk to eat. Small victories. But I’m dragging. Feeling the press of anguish and the energy to defend myself from it slowly draining away. As my day goes on it will get less stressful. I don’t have much left to give. I’m struggling for balance here but that seems to be a far-off objective. I don’t have the resources left to correct my port side list. Maybe I’ll do better than how I actually feel. I hope.

**UPDATE 3:30 pm**

I went and got myself a big coffee, and that was nice. I’m hanging tough despite many factors weighing me down. I feel sad, but not overly so. I can sense that my emotions are right in the forefront, flattening my potential exuberance. But things are ok, I suppose. I should find a way to get out of my shell this week, maybe by the weekend that will be manageable. We shall see.


I’m still in a down place, but not so detrimental to be able to hinder my actions today. Change from this comes slowly, and through a reapplication of the pattern. I need to continue to press on, and get in a full day today and the next. I will be over 40 hours this week, even with my early recess yesterday because I go in for training on Saturday. I’m here in the cold air of my stone-floored apartment and I am drinking a cup of french-pressed coffee. It has been an awesome change from the machine, which I guess was just so junked-up and corroded from the 2,000 pots of coffee I made in it that there was no real choice but to dump it. Coffee was starting to taste bitter, rancid and foul… among other adjectives to punctuate a failed machine. I’m sitting here in front of my computer screen wondering how it is that I’m going to make it through today. I just feel so acutely sorrowful, as if the dagger of sadness was buried in my chest. But I have to truck on, I have to survive and strive. I’m listening to Gollum’s Song, because it almost perfectly matches my current disposition. But it’s not helping me feel better.

It’s Tuesday. I know that I will be busy at work today, because I always am in the first half of the day. Now I have even fewer people around me who I can talk to now that Oscar has moved to the other row. I sit next to Jeff now, who I generally find to be an instigator and an idiot. Ryan is a decent fellow, but his work ethic is terrible and he doesn’t do his job very well. I have like zero respect for most of the people there, as they do not apply themselves and try hard. There’s no one there who is like me.

This just leads me back to feeling alone. I have no friends at work, I have no time for much of a life outside of my job. I am locked in. I have acquaintances, but none of which I would call sympathizers with my mental illness. They all get that I’m mentally ill, but there’s no one around who wants to get any closer than that (not that I blame them). It’s just a matter of fact. I push people away because of my disorder, and the general fear that pervades affects everyone I know to some degree. Especially now that I have spiraled into suicide attempts in my past.

Well, none of that is going to prevent me from trying my best to have a decent day. I’m enjoying my coffee even though I feel sad. I’m thinking optimistically about the work ahead of me, not framing things in a negative way. I will go out there and give it my best effort, regardless of how mightily I struggle. Today I will not be the victim of my mental illness.

I wish you all the best of luck, in doing whatever it is that you do that brings you fulfillment. I will press on despite hardships, pain and suffering. This is my life, these are my footsteps.


Today has been largely bad. I struggled from the get-go with my energy at 45% and diminishing as the morning wore on. By the time 2:30 rolled around I was done. I packed up my show and went home.

I then fell deeper into sadness, allowing loneliness to take a hold of me. I missed my parents, and I generally felt stranded in a world without people. I made myself dinner and watched a movie on my way to bed.

I just got off the phone with my dad, and they are going to be gone for a month or more. They’re trying to help my sister rearrange her life, and will be going to Sacramento after they’re done at Lake Isabella. Weekends of running over to my Uncle’s house will come to an end when football is over, of which there are really only two weeks left. I’m going to have to be my own best friend, because I’m all I have left.

I was feeling bad about my situation, but it’s changing rapidly. What better an opportunity to prove to myself that I can indeed be on autopilot and not need anyone else around to hold me up? I have a chance to show how strong I have become, and how stable I am. I’m not saying that I’m going to just romp through my days with a happy-go-lucky demeanor, but I can remain upbeat and be good to myself. This is going to be hard, because I know how easily I can become frazzled or otherwise burnt out. I need to do everything in my power to ensure I stay afloat.

Tonight my sadness lingers. It reminds me that I will be alone. It brings to light all the people I’ve loved who have given up on me. It makes me think about painful memories that are lined with regret. I can’t change what has happened, but I can try and get going in a different direction. I can assemble a new chapter in my life, with a foundation in small successes over a great deal of time. This is part of what I have already started to do. So I don’t fret for long, but I still waiver.

I hope you have a good night blog. I’m going to bed. I’ve had my fill of today.

Respite’s End

My two day weekends will be a thing of the past from here on out, as I work each Saturday until the end of the month. The last two days have been good, with me getting a good deal of stuff done for my house as well as getting in some family time at my Uncle’s house. I actually went over there both Saturday and Sunday, as there were meaningful football games to watch on both days. I was at home watching them by myself but I was chatting with and texting my Uncle the whole time so he just invited me over again. It’s nice to share an activity like that with another passionate fan. So all in all, rewarding and fun. And my house is clean and stocked with food. I also got the tumblers going again, with four barrels full of new rock to be polished. I was kinda silly for setting them on a Saturday because I really should have waited for Sunday so that I would have more time to get them going. Now I will have to change them after work for the next three Saturdays. Which I guess is ok, but I could have waited. I was on such a roll though, I just wanted to keep working and getting things done. And I did handle quite a bit that first day off, leaving myself with nearly nothing to manage on my Sunday.

My mood is ok. I’m a bit low energy. I have that voice in my head telling me to go home, but I’m not really listening to him. His argument has no foundations. I’m perfectly capable of making money today, no reason to throw that away. Though that voice is persistent. He always wants me to fail at something I’m trying to do. And while I admit I’m below normal on the energy meter, it’s not enough to provoke me into taking action against myself. I am going to motor on through without delay, because that’s the thing I need to do right now. It’s my job to go out there and have a good day.

After having seen all three Hobbit movies in rapid succession, I started watching The Lord Of The Rings movies again. I downloaded the extended versions and have made it to the first third of The Two Towers. Those are some great movies, truly well done, if not spiced up with some creative interpretation of the lore. Aragorn never falls off a cliff and nearly dies. So on and so forth.

My shift is rapidly approaching. That voice is still bugging me, telling me to give up and go home. But why would I do that? I’m fine. I might be a tiny bit hungry and another part tired, but that’s no reason to just give up on the day. Is it? I don’t often have a keen sense of what my body needs or doesn’t need. Right now my fatigue is the thing that will limit my functionality, but I sense, not to a degree that would impede what I need to do. I guess it’s just the prevailing sadness of knowing that the break is over, and now I must go on a five day trudge through the world of work.

I’m going to be fine. I’m not listening to that voice, and away we go.

**UPDATE 12:30 pm**

I’m struggling with energy. And my concentration is totally shot. I’m not having a very accurate day. I feel like I’ve already made some mistakes. But I also kinda don’t care today. I guess it’s my poor attitude about the grind, which is an accurate way to describe my trials at work. I just want to go take a nap. But I also know that I never really nap and that the feeling of fatigue should fade as the day wears on. But to struggle so from the get go is upsetting. I’d rather be high energy and be able to handle my responsibilities, but instead I’m struggling to survive. Keeping my head above water will be the priority. However, managing that will take its toll on me.

The Night Is Young?

I’m home from a 31 call day, and generally feel upbeat about this week. I know I got off to a terrible start, but I finished strong. I’m not going to be able to stay up past my bedtime and play games or watch TV… I’m tidally-locked into a routine that will irrecoverably induce fatigue by 9 pm or so. I can drink as much coffee as I can handle, but it will not change my 9 pm bedtime. Things went well at work today, with everyone moving seats around me, and even carrying over into the next few rows. I don’t know if it’s a good thing, or a bad thing that I’m not moving. I guess it’s one less hassle for me to endure. Now I sit next to Jeff, who is generally an idiot, but not as bad as some others. Chris has been moved to within direct earshot of Mike (my Manager) who will, no doubt, be appalled by the way Chris handles customers on the phone. Chris is generally rude, puts people on hold to finish talking to his friends, and has a dumb way of communicating with people. He treats customers like morons, which is not a good policy… it’s even bordering on hypocritical considering the capabilities of his own dimensionless mind. He has the worst phone manners out of anyone in the call center, with Ryan coming in a close second. I found an order today that Ryan started entering in the system, but he then completely abandoned it, ensuring that there was no way it would ship, and that someone (eventually) would call us (upset) wondering what had happened to the order they placed. That’s where I come in. I field the call, and can offer the explanation of neglect or delinquency for the reason this paying customer does not have what they asked for more than a week ago. Needless to say, that customer does not think much of us anymore, and I don’t blame them. I have been calling out these mistake-prone agents in emails asking how they managed to fuck things up so badly, and a carbon copy to my supervisor, who I’m sure is aware of the problem, but should be informed of big errors that result in escalated calls. It makes me wonder about the value the company places on it’s public face, in us. They have some certifiable retards manning the phones, and that sort of ilk is a great way to get a bad reputation about the customer service of Mood Media.

On the emotional homefront, I’m doing better by leaps and bounds. I have had support from all angles during a time of genuine crisis. People I reached out to helped, and people reached out to me from unexpected places. I was quite surprised by the attention, and have been thanking people ever since I got my shit back on the rails again. I’m on my own now though. My family has taken their rig a solid 270 miles north to Lake Isabella, where they were planning to stay through the beginning of February. I don’t think they’re going to be up there for that long, but we’ll see. Apparently, the fishing is good there, but my dad doesn’t freshwater fish, like I do. I have a top-notch bass rig that I have taken to several venues and had success with. But that’s more a summertime event, whereas the depths of winter are typically bass sleepy-time. They can be pestered into a strike, but it’s hard to do. Anyway, they are gone, and I’m flying solo for a while.

This is my last two-days-off-in-a-row weekend for the rest of the month. I have a Saturday shift for three weeks. I’m happy about that, in large part, because I have missed some time at work and would like a chance to get that money back. I’m making more than I spend every month, even with the lost hours. I’m in the + by $200 to $400 after two biweekly paychecks. Rad. That’s assurance and safety beyond anything I had been able to throw together in the previous 12 years of independence. It’s a good time to be me right now. I’m on the rise and have an unprecedented level of both success and stability. I’m doing great, despite occasional emotional setbacks. There are bound to be bumps on the road.

Mandosrex updated the Improvement Mod today, but the Japanese are still broken. Animals do not go to shrines regardless of how close you build one to a herd. And captured livestock do not fatten at houses or farms anymore. Mandosrex was trying to explain to me why this was so, as it has something to do with how the AI gathers food, or doesn’t as the case may be. I typically out-resource the AI in every category but wood regardless of who they choose. I applaud Mandosrex for trying to fix it, however, the Japanese are now unplayable. Wild animals going to the shrines encompasses the lion’s share of xp gathering for that faction, and without it, you may as well not even pick a home city deck, because you’ll never use it. It’s sad, because I like the Japanese, and now I can’t use them.

Tomorrow is the divisional round of the playoffs. I have 25 points in the bracket game, and the current leader has 41. My fate will be decided by the first game tomorrow, as a Baltimore win would greatly improve my chances of winning. A New England win buries me in the clear with few chances left to distinguish myself from the herd. I’m the only one who picked Baltimore. Fingers crossed.

Goodnight blog. It’s been a fluctuational sorta week. I survived. The end.


My mood has been great for a third consecutive day, and that is quite reassuring. I was starting to wonder if I was headed into a deep depressive cycle back on Tuesday, but since then, have shown a turnaround in mood and demeanor. My attitude is positive and my disposition is proactive. It’s another promising start to what will surely be busy day.

I’m almost done downloading all those TV shows I had queued up for my parents and myself. Prospectors is a show is very much like to watch over again, and there are three seasons of it. And there are several others, like History Channel’s Vikings and Fox’s Da Vinci’s Demons. My mom wants to see all three seasons of Revenge and all 7 seasons of Mad Men. I found MM to get a little boring after season 5. My dad requested all seven seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I fucking love that show, and I must have seen nearly every episode. Total download size around 200 gigabytes.

Last night I said goodbye to my parents, who may not be back in town until the beginning of February. I’m glad they are getting away and have a chance to go do something fun. A change of scenery is usually always a good thing. I will miss being able to go over to their RV and have an evening with them. But all in all, this is part of the advantage of being able to take your house anywhere you want.

Have a good day blog. I will probably be busy for the better part of the morning. Maybe things will slow down by the evening.

**UPDATE 12:30 pm**

Seats are changing today, and the cluster of retards will be broken up and redistributed through the rows. Thank heavens. We’ve been so busy lately that it’s been hard for the delinquents to fuck around all day like they used to. This location switch should largely stifle any further attempts at group idiocy. I’m very happy. My seat, also, will not be changing. Most guys are moving, but not I. Rad.

A shakeup. That’s just the thing we needed to send the message about shit getting more serious. I’m tired of the carefree and irresponsible attitude some of these guys walk around with. They think they can do whatever they want and no one is going to hold them accountable. Wrong.

**UPDATE 1:00 pm**

I’m keeping busy and on-target today. Feeling generally pretty positive about life. I have nowhere to go this weekend, sadly. I will be on my own to develop something to do with my day. I’m going to be watching the playoffs, naturally, and doing my chores. But I will likely be alone and that may spin me down into a sad place. I’m not positive what my reaction will be, but it is an object of my concern. I don’t want to start next week like I started this one. So here’s hoping I can preserve an upbeat attitude through the weekend.

**UPDATE 4:45 pm**

I made a plan to go over to my uncle’s house on Saturday night to watch the first NFC Divisional game. So my weekend will not be wholly spent in isolation. I will have good food and company at least. The last hour is always so very slow. The seating switch is nearly done, with most everyone moving here or there. Fun stuff. I’m looking at a quiet evening tonight with an acceptable bedtime. I feel fatigue creeping in on me already. I would like to drink another yummy coffee tonight. That’s not going to keep me up past 9 though. Im not sure what I’m going to do with my freedom. I need to go shopping early tomorrow as I hardly have any food left in my house. Chores. Sigh. But hey, this is my last full weekend. I work every Saturday remaining this month.

A Goodbye Day

My parents are making a 270 mile (one way) trip up to the foothills of the southern Sierra Nevada tomorrow to go camp near Lake Isabella. They will be gone for more than a week, or until they get bored and decide to drive back to San Diego. I’m going over to my uncle’s house after work today to say goodbye to them. I have enjoyed their uplifting presence in my life for the past month or more. I have had fun watching football games with them, lamenting the end of my fantasy season, and eating good food / making merry.

On the homefront: I’m doing much better, maybe up past 85% today. I can’t really explain the way my mood deteriorated into depression, I just know that it happened, and now appears to be over. I’m no neuroscientist, so the true cause for my descent will remain unknown. But I do know that I have come back from that point, and have mustered my strength for the remaining portion of the week. In the end, my paycheck taking a hit will be one of the few signs left that there ever was a depressive episode.

Today is going to be busy. I’m back in the billing queue, and I expect that it will take over 600 calls today. So some fraction of that will be handed to me, along with a fraction of the 260 or so drive thru and exchange calls we will take. I should be occupied for the first few hours of my shift, and would expect things to slow down around 2 pm or so.

As I sit here writing this (in my truck before my shift starts), raindrops are falling, making that distinctive popcorn popping sound as they collide with my roof. Today the forecast says clear skies, 0% chance of precipitation, high of 77 degrees fahrenheit. So this casual rain is far from expected. There is no cold front or storm cell within 300 miles of my location. Much like my inexplicable brain chemistry, this rain makes no sense.

I hope you all have a good day out there in the world. I’m feeling so much stronger than I did earlier in the week. A truly amazing turnaround. Your support was essential, and I thank you again for that.

**UPDATE 1:00 pm**

My day is roaring by. The longest break I’ve had between calls was less than 90 seconds. I must have over 20 by now. Anyway, I’m doing really good. I’m holding a high level of energy and working hard. It’s been a positive but hectic day.

I am doing fine emotionally. I’ve heard some songs come on the overhead speakers that remind me of Jax, but what predominates these recollections is a sense of genuine disappointment. I didn’t want things to crumble the way they did, but I’m glad she’s not in my life anymore. She is a vastly different person than what I need, and it was a big downgrade to pair myself off with her. Regrettable decisions aside, we were rarely on the same page. I just am really glad she’s not in my life
anymore; just look at me soaring in promising skies! I’m doing better than ever before, and I would never have been able to get here if she hadn’t cheated on me and ended our relationship. I have sad feelings, but more happy ones by comparison.

Back to the grindstone I go. Be well travelers.

**UPDATE 2:00 pm**

So the rumors of discipline and less wholesale tomfoolery are true. They will be dividing us up, rookies with vets, and cutting down on the bullshit things these jokers are doing everyday. A big email went out detailing how we would now be staying on task, and not doing the stupid shit that I have grown so very tired of. These guys try to get by doing as little as possible, and they do their jobs poorly. It’s time this horseshit came to an end, and I welcome the change. Hugely. I know I’ve been busting my ass here everyday, to the best of my abilities. I can’t be faulted for lack of effort. I rarely make mistakes, and follow through on my responsibilities every time. I welcome the age of regulations and order that is to come. Soon there will be no people yelling or laughing or motherfucking loud enough for customers to hear. There will be no watching YouTube videos of monkeys getting their heads bashed open so people can eat their brains. There will be no standing around making rude comments at people who are on the phone doing troubleshooting. Sigh. Do you see the sort of shit I’ve put up with? I can hardly wait for the seating change to take effect. Puns and needles. Stay tuned.


I’m returning to normal operations after a short plummet into depression. Monday and Tuesday were both really bad, with my energy and mood rendering me about 5% functional. I missed time at work because I found myself totally incapable of doing my high-energy job. I was no better than 15% functional in Tuesday, as taking 35 calls nearly drained the life from my limbs. After that abbreviated shift, I had a good evening with my family, a solid meal, and got a chance to pour over all the stones Moo and I had collected over the years to make some loads for the tumblers. That whole conclusion to the day, punctuated by helpful responses from the community here on WordPress and an uplifting conversation with my best friend Will, helped to get me on track.

This morning when I woke up I knew I was tired, but not overly depressed. I was low-energy at therapy because I hadn’t had any coffee and was still not quite overflowing with enthusiasm and hand gestures like I would be normally. But it was good to go there and just rehash my state, and go over the reasons not to plunge deeper into depression. I left there feeling positive, bought myself a big coffee, and went to work. My shift starts at 9:30 am and ends at 6:00 pm when the call queues close. I never once thought about ducking out early. I cruised through the day, getting resolutions and placing exchange orders with accuracy and ease. I say my overall functionally was up near 75% today. I was still pretty tired by the end of my shift, but I was confidant that I had done well and will continue to improve tomorrow.

Today I was out of the billing queue, as it is my mandated day off from taking those calls. But tomorrow and Friday I will have my feet to the fire once more. We at Mood Media have been extra vigilant about harassing customers with a past-due balance of any sort with a call or letter indicating we will shut off their service in 48 hours if they don’t pay. And sometimes they have paid, but get threatened anyway. So when wrongly persecuted people call in, they’re usually upset. That, and people who are incorrectly billed, or have had money withdrawn from their account and they don’t know why. Those are some of my “favorites,” where pretty much no matter what I’m able to accomplish on the phone, it’s going to be a miserable exchange. Tomorrow I do believe I will have enough strength to handle the most vile of billing calls. Bring. It. On.

Today was excellent progress from where I was. And Thursday will be a step forward from my 75% mark today. I know how serious my depression can be. It can crush me down flatter than hammered shit if it wants to. Sometimes the chemicals in my brain do not allow for me to experience any sort of positive feeling. I am rendered incapacitated by sadness, defeated by depression or otherwise maladjusted by the lack of certain neuro-transmitters between synapses. I have come to expect that with no warning or instigation, my whole demeanor can be changed, downgraded or otherwise obliterated. This is my illness. I have survived the many terrible things it has managed to do to me so far, and I will persevere through challenges yet to be posed. Reading this blog must truly be difficult to do: my posts are all over the spectrum, varying in seriousness and subject matter almost as dramatically as my fickle moods. I never intended this blog to be anything more than a sounding board for my thoughts, or a diary of my activities to keep the insanity at bay. 807 posts later, it seems to be doing the trick.

Rising Son

I’m doing much better today blog, markedly so. I’m recovering from that severe low place, and rapidly climbing back out of the hole again. Today has been less busy than today, but it’s my attitude that has improved. My demeanor is changed and I genuinely feel more optimistic and hopeful about life. I’m quite pleased with this turn-around.

I needed to get on top again, and here we are. Feeling more focused and more in control is refreshing, given how badly I was doing. I’m going to be ok blog. I really am.

I want to thank those who reached out to me and helped me through my dark time: Will and MoodyMandy, Angryalpha and Kamillej2014. You have all helped me get to a better place. I appreciate you very much.

It’s up to me to maintain this good feeling and make sure I stay ahead of my depression. I’m already half way through the day and I’m doing good. I can feel my edges fraying a bit, but the call volume is headed down from here and my business will lessen. I’m headed in the right direction blog. Cheers.

But This Time… With FEELING!

I had a rough day at work today. It seemed to me like people were extra relentless on the phones, like they could sense my weakness, my vulnerability. All the more reason to obliterate me (they must surely have thought). And so they did. And I was done with that at about 4 or so. I was nearly to the point of tears on the drive home, but then I remembered I was going back to my apartment to get the rocks and bring them out to the RV so Moo and I can prepare the next tumbler loads. We got to tear open bags and sift through a mighty collection. From our travels in California, and my mom’s adventures in Arizona and Utah. We went through two full boxes of rock, settling in on about one freezer bag’s worth of stones of varying sizes. It looks like it’s going to be a lot of colored quartz and jasper (red and yellow). I’m going to go down there Sunday morning and set them in motion yet again. It’s an amazing, transformative process. I can’t wait to see how these most recent ones will do. So there’s another thing I have to look forward to.

I sometimes come here and write about the progress in making as a person. Other times, to lament or express sorrow. I’m bipolar, and my whole life is a non-stop twisting insane roller coaster of emotions. It has no rhyme or reason, sometimes striking me down in my prime, or kicking me when I’m low. My bipolar disorder is mostly not helpful, and rarely stays level for long. I’ve learned that the more I can take these thoughts I have, and get them out of my head, the better things will be. I give my emotions recognition by publishing them here, a permanence they so desperately (and initially) sought from me. When you don’t have someone you can talk to everyday, you find ways to still express, and vibrantly. I find my written narrative to be far more coherent and reasonable than anything I manage to utter. Stark contrast, in my opinion. But I’ve relieved many compliments on my verbal skills from customers and from peers.

Sometimes you need to fall down, in order to see all the reasons to get back up. Maybe I’m just stumbling along too fast for my own feet and right on the edge of losing it. I walk a fine line, and it doesn’t take much to unseat what frail stability is maintained. I endeavor on, trying to hold on to all of the really good things I have going on in my life.

Tau Empire vs Chaos Space Marines (Ultimate Apocalypse – Game Notes)

I didn’t think I still had moves, but I do. I was in some doubt as to the potency of the Tau ranged offense. But not any more. I had a timely 22 minute victory over the AI, left right in the mode at which I last fought competitively with the AI. So I figured, I’d wear my best, and play Tau against a random, and of ALL the options, it drew Chaos Space Marines. You know, the only one I faced when I played duels with Will? Yeah, ironic. So it was like a backyard scrap, a sentimental showdown, and battle at full speed when my rig is just starting to have the dust shaken off of it. Time to go!


Map: Frostbite River
AI Difficulty: Harder

00:00 – 05:25
At this point I’ve managed to get a cluster of drones down to the north end (my side of the river) slag deposit and will rapidly have a generator up. I’m quick to notice he’s already kiting my stealthsuits off their posts at either critical location on my side. I build a kroot barracks on my side near the power generator, and at that moment we began to trade posession of each other’s critical locations. He rapidly filled in to the south, clustering some ranged infantry and cultists down near the entrance down there, and my two listening posts (with the first level turret improvement purchased) could not hold them off alone. They may have been able to push past them, but I kept feeding them squads of gun drones, which their melee things ate pretty rapidly, but it kept hem distracted, and my turrets laid down suppressing fire, uninhibited or threatened. That wore them out. I sent a squad of fully upgraded fire warriors down there to investigate, but they ran into trouble rapidly in the form a mechanized dreadnought which ate them (mostly) for lunch. As this sad thing was happening near my relic (with a tier 2 cannon upgrade purchased), a command squad of battlesuits was on it’s way down there. It never got out of hand from that moment on.

05:25 – 10:35
We’ve gone back and forth in the north. My kroot barracks unleashed the alphas on the infidels hiding in the south. They ran screaming before the carnage. Order restored to my perimeter, I moved my command units back to the north, where I had taken the enemy’s critical location on that side of the map with the help of the kroot hounds I had stationed there. Followed swiftly by that useful battalion of surviving fire warriors from their encounter with the dreadnought. Since having been reenforced and upgraded with all the finery, are ready for action on the front. I have moved north, and have pinned them back behind the perimeter of their base, with their tier 1 turreted listening posts firing back at me. In the south a new situation has come to light, that is, the arrival of the tipping point in the game: skyray missile gunships.

10:35 – 22:33
It was a merciless, costly push. I took the relic on his side, and the other critical location, and had him back behind the perimeter, and no where else. Or so I thought… after capturing the southern most critical location, the line of sight it provided revealed an enemy power generator built on the slag pit. It was precarious, because I could not divert any units away from the front to go over there and destroy it. But fortune favors the patient. The skyrays (3 of them) I had queued up from earlier were deploying, and once their long range missiles were upgraded, hammered that power generator until it moved no more. Then they turned their weapons loose on the front. My units, indifferent to the heavy bombardment, proceeded to annihilate all remaining standing units as they were bounced and pummeled by missile artillery. It was rapid disingtigration from there. They mustered more units, even a big shambling walker thing, but my commanders had long since been upgraded and reenforced, and were deadly effective killing machines. They were followed with sunfire battlesuits, once the home base slammed tier 4. It was over before they even got there.


Game Time: 22:33


Units KIlled: 121
Units Lost: 55
Buildings Razed: 17
Buildings Lost: 0


Egregious (Tau Empire)
Requisition: 21380
Power: 15962

AI Harder (Chaos Space Marines)
Requisition: 13252
Power: 9081


Research Count: 29
Enemy Research Count: 10
Captured Strategic Points: 4
Enemy Captured Strategic Points: 4Captured Critical Locations: 6
Enemy Captured Critical Locations: 3
Captured Relics: 2
Enemy Captured Relics: 2

Largely Unchanged

I’m still not feeling all that great, but here we are, at the start of a new day. I gave myself plenty of time to rest, but my neurochemestry has not rapidly rebounded, instead, maybe coming about half way back to normal. I feel slow, like my actions and movements are dragging laboriously through invasive jelly. I plod on through the muck of despair regardless. My mind is hung up on sad songs reminding me of being alone, or the revitalizing passion of love; a feeling I am utterly alien to now. I am wondering how I am going to get through today. I can’t afford to retreat back into my apartment again, I used up that “get out of jail free” card yesterday. I can put my best face on and go out there and be in front of the eye of the world, and submit to scrutiny. I feel bleached and tattered, devoid of color and substance. I sit here drinking my coffee, and I register that it is warm, but it does not make me happy, or even feel more awake. I don’t know how I am going to do this today.


I have struggled before, and I will surely do so again. What defines me is my ability to persevere and survive these wretched states despite the inward spiral they initiate. I can’t afford to go missing. I often think about the hole that would be left in the worlds of some if I took my own life. How they would miss me, and simultaneously hate me for doing it. How much more selfish an action is there to deprive yourself of the full responsibility of life? I know that nothing about being alive with a mental illness is easy, but inflicting great pain on others is not where my head is at. I’m not desperate for a solution, just sad that there isn’t one. Depression has it’s fangs in me, and it’s holding on tightly in case I try to get away.


Blog, I’m sad that this is the tempo that will set my day in motion. I was hoping that after a good night’s rest I would be (more or less) prepared to have a good day. My mood is not cooperating. I’m not sure that there’s anything that can be done. I’m drinking my coffee. Soon I will put on my dress shirt and get in my truck and drive to work. I will be faced with the challenge of bringing a positive demeanor and attitude to my every action, forcing an unprecedented level of energy to be expended above the norm. I have no choice.


I really hope that I steadily improve even if the signs of that are not present. I will try to do the best job I can, and set aside this terrible pain and try to perform at my normal level. I can’t promise success, but I can certainly try for it.

**UPDATE 8:45 am**

I’m here waiting for my shift to start. I feel deeply depressed, acutely so. I’m absolutely out of control in my head right now, with thoughts, feelings, music and nightmarish notions all spinning around on a carousel. I wish it were different. I wish my head was not so maladjusted and that I would be able to have a good day. Happiness is far from reach. I feel hollow and empty of vitality. As the nervous seconds tick by, I contemplate fleeing this situation, but know logically that I cannot. I would only be hurting my future for the momentary needs of my present. I will just have to hit this out, and get to 6:00 pm in one piece.

**UPDATE 1:00 pm**

I’m barely hanging on. People have gone out of their way to insult me and treat me like shit on the phones. It’s almost as if they could sense my weakened state and then move in for the kill. I’ve handled calls pretty much non stop since I clicked in. I have had no break from the queues. They are overflowing with incoming calls, and most people are content to still goof off and otherwise vacate responsibility and professionalism.

I am probably going to stay until 4:30 or 5 and then go. I am beat, mentally deflated and crushingly depressed. I have negotiated an activity for tonight: I will be making new tumble loads out of the loose rock we have on hand. I’m not sure what that means for my current situation. I feel so acutely miserable, it becomes hard to imagine there being much else. I’m suffering and I don’t like it. It’s been so hard to do this customer service job. It saps me of my vital energy and leaves me desperate for positive feelings. I continue on regardless of hardship, for about as long as I can manage.

Today, Tomorrow

I crashed and burned this Monday. I was totally out of it when I left home this morning and, since then, have tried to force myself to do what I normally would. My attempts to gut it out failed not long after I got to work and discovered I could hardly talk (I was so drowsy I was slurring my speech). Then I tried to do anything I could to get myself right, and that failed as well. I was drowning in exhaustion and deeply unhappy. I took myself off the front burner, and went home.

Since getting here I have not felt better, only worse. My mood continues to plummet and my fatigue extends broadly over my activities. I tried to do things I would typically enjoy, and none of that brought me any happiness. I often stare blankly at my computer screen, feeling the crush of having so few things to look at or puzzle over. With my mood in the gutter, there’s very little I can do to lift myself out of this tough spot. I’ve tried distractions, but all I can really think about is how shitty I feel. I want to sit here and cry because I feel so alone, so cut-off from the world. There’s no barricade between me and the sadness; it pours into my thoughts like running water. I just don’t have much of a life. I’m isolated, and when my parents are gone next week I will have hardly anyone to spend time with or feel nourished by. I am going to have to face it without help, and I don’t much like that thought.

As I sit here writing this, I feel an ache pressing down in my chest. I have little tears pooling up in the corners of my eyes, and my face is bent in a frown. I’m feeling stranded on an island of suffering, and there is no rescue from it. Everything that could potentially take me away from it is poisoned and unusable. I would try and distract myself, play a game, watch a movie, something. But every time I try, I am reminded of how terrible I feel. It groans in me and presses my organs down into pulp. All I can think about is how fucking stupid I am, and how there is no escape from my suffering.

I want it to be night so I can just go to sleep and be done with today. I’m frustrated and tired of this mood, this rotten disposition. I’m so sad, I’m crying and I don’t know why or what good any of this is doing me. I just don’t want to feel so alone, so isolated from the world. I’m not generally likable. I’m more of an ass who has to be right all the time. I don’t have many friends. I lean on my family for support but they will be out of town again soon. Then I will have no one. I’m here in my cold apartment by myself and not able to be saved from torment. I’m suffering so badly. My tears have turned to sobs. I’m doing the best I can to be coherent and introspective despite all that. It’s hard to look at yourself when things are so awful. All I can think about is how bad it hurts, how sinking and crushing the feeling is. There’s nothing I can do to escape it.

I just want today to be over, so I can start again tomorrow without this terrible burden on me.

**UPDATE 5:00 pm**

After a long cry, I’m feeling a little better. I’m going to bed early. I just want to be done with this whole state. It’s just unrelentingly painful. I don’t think there’s much to do here but start over. Push the reset button.

If you asked me to describe what I am sad about, I would not be able to say. I just feel so poisoned by negativity, and drunk with exhaustion. It felt like I got two hours of shitty sleep and woke up in the trough of a depressive cycle. Sometimes this happens: the mood that I counted on for stability completely fails leaving me stranded in a place of unending torment. But I’m mentally ill, so I guess this is par for the course.

My mind was hoping for a chance to understand why this has happened, but everywhere I look I’m offered no explanation. Nothing has changed except the date and time. My neurochemestry is a flawed entity with substandard corrective potential. I do the best I can, and cut my losses. Full retreat into sleep.

**UPDATE 6:30 pm**

I called my bro Will, who also struggles with depression. He helped me come up with some reasons why not to despair. He reminded me of all the positive steps I have taken leading up to today, and how none of that can be undone by this feeling of sadness. I’m still having a hard time feeling good about anything, but his words, and others who have spoken up, are helping me feel less alone.


34 calls today, most coming in the morning, was idle for stretches of 35 – 50 minutes at a time in the evening. The majority of my work today came in the form of contract exchanges: When the equipment used at drive thru restaurants breaks down (mainly headsets and order taking belt packs) they have an agreement with us that enables them to swap bad equipment for working (refurbished) equipment. Fry kitchens are not a good place to use technology, because everything in there is abused, bent, dropped, stepped on, and coated in a film of grease. So replacements are frequently needed, and that’s where I come in. I identify what type of gear they use, then record a serial number off it, and place that information into Oracle. The software platform we use has 32 distinct steps to get from my handwritten notes to an order that will be filled and shipped same day. That’s 32 things I’ve had to memorize how to do in the exact same sequence for countless error-free orders. If you make a mistake, somehow, someway, it’s going to come back at you. An angry customer will call in and complain that their order never arrived, or it was the wrong equipment, or incorrect quantity. It’s imperative even to do it right every time, a point totally lost on my peers. The error report came out again last Monday, and for the second week in a row I was not on it. As it should be.

In the morning I was occupied, but things drop off dramatically after 3:30 or so. The bulk of the agents go home, and the few that remain are usually more than enough to handle the diminished volume. I do a lot of reading online, needless to say. But I’m not upset or anything. I like my job, even if it is boring from time to time.

My mood was pretty low this morning, but has since picked up. I was thinking a lot about the fun I used to have with Jax. Dwelling on these things doesn’t usually get me very far. I don’t know why I do this. It may be that I am trying to move on but everything I remember about her acts like an abrasive to my still healing wound. It’s been nearly a year, and I’m still not quite out of it yet. That life I had back then; I thought that was it, the final and perfect permutation of my destiny. But what did I do but squander it? I foolishly kept into things without thinking, and then I let depression and relationship troubles erode away at the foundations. It was doomed to collapse, as all things will when neglected and left to their own devices. I have no one to blame but myself.

Life is funny in how it can basically destroy you, and then give you a chance to come back. I didn’t create opportunity, I just made use of it when it was offered. I did the best I could, and that really seems to have paid off.

I am feeling like my sexual motor is starting to rev up again. I’m frequently entertaining myself often with just my imagination. I have lots of sexy things I can think about. But what good does any of this do me? I’m not going to have a casual sex relationship. Not going to happen. I’ve been down that road before and it only leads to despair. But what to do? Really, there is nothing that can be done. It’s just a shame that I feel the urge and there won’t be an opportunity to un-urge for a long time. And when I do it will be quite anticlimactic, as my skills, stamina and tolerance threshold have all gone to shit since. It’s one of the many predicaments this solo life has presented me with. But one that can’t be thought out or reconciled. I just have to hope that the motor shits itself off again before it drives me insane.

I work tomorrow morning at 7:00 am until 3:30 pm and I don’t have anything planned. Sunday the rocks will come out of the tumblers and we will get our first look at 3 of 4 loads. They have already proven to have spectacular color and clarity. Moo and I were talking about going to Pala and trying out luck at one of the tourmaline mines, or perhaps the area around it. We would likely need permission from the Native American tribe that owns the land, so that might be a long shot to actually execute. But we could pay and go in and sift through the till of an existing mining operation. Maybe the included, imperfect tourmaline is of no value to them, but could be gold to us. So a rockhounding adventure potentially on the horizon. It will be good to see the stones. We’ve waited a month, and now it is time.

My parents moved their RV out of La Mesa and back to east El Cajon where they were back when I lived with them. Or rather, just outside them. I keep thinking back on those seven months during the spring and summer that I lived entirely outdoors. It was good timing that it happened before winter got here. Truly. I could never have lived out there the way I was with no insulation through the cold nights. I would have been suffering. But I found a place to live in late September and was moved in by October. Problem solved.

I tried on a pair of jeans I had worn back when I was still with Jax, and I found that without aid, I could not keep them on my body. I’m surely back near a 36 to 34 inch waist again, because those 38s I tried on were unwearable without a belt. They were like jumbo parachute pants made of denim. They were baggy around the thighs as well, which I remember was a problem last time I wore them because it was uncomfortable to store things in my pockets because they were so tight. Things have changed. Part of my Lone Bull Project goal has been met. Not the whole thing, but a good chunk. At my worst I must have weighed 285 or so, and now… I really have no idea. It’s less, that much I’m clear on. But how much? Beats me.

Have a good night blog. Happy Friday for you (but not for me since I work).

The Other Side

Good morning blog. I’m feeling ok, perhaps a little tired. I went down to the pharmacy this morning thinking I was going to have to wait to my meds filled since my doctor had called them in over two weeks ago. But those ladies were on top of it. They had everything ready and I was out of there just as soon as I had come in.

Doing that drive down through old town reminds me of those nights when I would get off work and come down to the San Diego House and wait for Jax to get off work. I would sit in the car and sing and look forward to when she could sit with me and talk about our day. It was really nice having someone I could do that with. Even though we were sometimes on different pages, there was nothing quite like that ride home with her, as we got reconnected after work. It’s a good memory, and it reminds me of the advantages of a partnership.

I’m hoping today is not another miserably slow day with nothing to do. I don’t want to just sit at my desk and stare mindlessly at the screen for hours on end. That was painful on Wednesday. But I’m getting paid whether I work or not, and I’m coming back in on Saturday for another shift, one of three that I picked up this month. My wages should be well within the healthy category. And I’m pleased to report that all my bills are paid and done for the month. It feels really good to be on top of my shit.

Sometimes I get to feeling that I’m not worth very much, or really likable at all. All my partners have gone away after having spent much time with me. I was with Jennifer for 4 years, Emelia for 2 and Jax for a little over 1. Eventually things go to shit, and I’m a big part of why that happens. But it’s not just on me, I contribute to the dysfunction but I down own it outright. I’ve made some hasty decisions and even more poorly thought-out ones in reference to love. I don’t really think building a lasting relationship is in the cards for me. Not now, not anytime soon. I’m still a case study: a volatile person with a severe mental illness and disparaging tendencies. I have tons of work still to do on myself before I ever consider roping someone else into the equation. I have to reiterate this point because my loneliness cries out for change, but it’s not that easy. In this area, it will take me a great deal of work before I am ready to go on to the next thing.

So I have some stuff on my mind. But my shift is about to start. I’ll keep you updated if I’m having a slow day.

**UPDATE 1:20 pm**

It’s been medium. Pretty slammed in billing, not much in drive thru. I’m feeling mixed up today. Not really sure where I stand. I can tell you that I’m not having much fun at work. I’m struggling to keep myself focused. It seems like my brain is a bit fuzzy. Hopefully this goes away soon.

**UPDATE 3:15 pm**

Well it’s finally slowing down. I was busy, but still able to play the song lyrics game with Mike. This day has gone by pretty fast, but I still have a few hours of it to go still. I’m not as hazed as I was before. I have been pretty busy doing my job and don’t really have the luxury of being slow.

On Holiday

I got today off, and that was nice. I went over to my parent’s RV and had a tasty breakfast and then went to go see the third Hobbit film. It was very entertaining. I especially liked the scene with Bard and the black arrow. I’m not giving anything away that isn’t already common knowledge for anyone who has read the book. When we last left the movie, Smaug was on his way into Laketown to punish someone, anyone. They really handled that whole sequence really well. The special effects were outstanding, and so devastating. The movie was full of emotional moments, as the story played out in almost the same fashion as it did in the book. Bilbo is the driving force behind waking Thorin from the sickness of gold he becomes infected with upon retaking Erebor. And they did a good job of portraying Thiron’s mental collapse, and his redemption. The two orcs that they set in opposition to the dwarves were quite nasty. Azog the Defiler was truly deplorable and Bolg was not much better. Very realistic and grotesque. Overall I thought it was well done. It needed to be dramatic and heartbreaking and it was. The end of the story is always a little sad. But the conclusion of the Hobbit takes us right up to the point that The Lord Of the Rings begins, with Gandalf’s arrival at Bag End for Bilbo’s 111th birthday. Still some gratuitous action scenes, but the battle itself was amazing.


An Unexpected Journey = B+
The Desolation of Smaug = B-
The Battle of the Five Armies = A-

Today I had a couple of good games of Age Of Empires III. I had the Japanese on Large California first, and that one was a hoot. The AI was the Dutch, and they were rapidly up in my business harassing me from early on. They killed the small number of troops I had milling about in age 2 and marched on my town, destroying two or three houses before I could get enough units to rally to my defense. It was dicey there for a bit. I built up about 5 -10 ashigaru musketeer and I think I had two samurai go in there and force them out. Then I noticed the entry point: a gap between to plateaus where the conduit from their base to mine was shortest and easiest to traverse. They ignored my northern trading post even though I left it undefended. It should have been destroyed, because my hold on those two posts (that, and having my shrines all producing xp instead of resources) enabled me to dump nearly all of my home city cards, save the hill fort card and the extra rice paddy shipmen, which I had decided I didn’t need. My economy be game a juggernaut around age 3, and I managed to get into age 5 by the time I had made my offensive push. I built nearly all infantry: melee with samurai and ranged with ashigaru musketeers, American riflemen and culverins. It was effective. But the enemy was not foolish, they came back at me with artillery, primarily field guns, and they smacked me around for a bit. But like I was saying, once I had all my home city shipments bought, I was left with the infinity 6 samurai card. I bought it several times, and had 15 – 20 samurai all on artillery destruction duty at the front of my gathering point. And they ripped up those field guns with ease when they came back, and sealed the advance of my units. I marched in with several culverins from the third tier export armies which also include a number of riflemen. I had two dojos producing musketeers so I imagine that by the end I had more of those than anything else. The AI surrendered after I had razed the second town center and the third of four banks. In the final score, I had been out paced on coin, but had a substantial lead on the other two. I had the military advantage, but it was only 65 – 85 units difference. I can’t remember the exact numbers. 36 minutes of gametime and the computer had accumulated 32000 coin. But they didn’t spend it on mercenaries, as I would have. All in all, a fun game.

Tomorrow I’m back to work, and I feel good about that. I like having a day of rest here and there. It doesn’t need to always be two in a row. I can do the things I like to do in just one day. Fuck, one afternoon even. I got in a game of ROTWK today and tested the program fully to see if it would crash (like it had in the past, since the last time I used the crack). It did not shut down prematurely with the new hacked .exe file I got. And I played at least three games of AOE 3 as well. My brain is happy. I had a different strategy for each match. I like that I have to invent a new way to win depending upon the opponent or map. The more the primary variables change, the more interesting I find the battle. I get to a point in some games where I know when I have to switch over to farms/mills and plantations (or rice paddies). I call this the internal economic shift, because primary resource gathering goes from hunting/mining to gathering at a slower pace at a building with infinite resources. Some maps enable a coin shift before the food shift, because there were more herds and less mines. Or some such situation. And I don’t often take the water, if there is any. I only really consider it with the European civs because their navies are so much more developed. But for the most part, if I can avoid the water, I do.

Well, I suppose that’s enough rambling for tonight. Be safe.

The Edain Mod 4.0 NEWS

In a stunning turn of events, a content release is in the works. Turns out, they can create a demo version of the mod, with 4 races perfected (Gondor, Rohan, Isengard and Mordor) and ready for play. SWEET DUDE! Two of my favorites are already done and playable, I rather like that. So that will be happening sometime in the next three months, but probably sooner rather than later, as the gameplay videos so far have looked really polished. I don’t understand all the rallying and retreating they do in the gameplay videos, but maybe this is a mechanics thing that will become apparent to me as I play. I will be trying my hand with Gondor / Arnor (if they still switch to Arnor on northern maps), but I imagine I have a lot to learn about the new capture and hold expansion and node-based construction. But the game itself looks amazing. The units are highly detailed and well textured. The new maps they’ve built are all just eye-candy. They’ve 100% changed the core game, and created something new, epic, diverse and challenging. I’ve watched the livestream, and I’m genuinely excited. It will be like learning a whole new game over agian, but it’s a challenge I look forward to immensely. And with Mordor as a surefire backup, I should be set for countless hours of entertainment.


I just had a game on patch 2.01, and it’s like I remember it being before the first Edain mod came out, very fast-paced and unit heavy right from the get-go, expand the colony or die. And games were pretty fast too, like 18 minutes or less, depending on how far into upgrading buildings I got. But that way of gaming is going out the window, because the new Edain 4.0 will have bases and capture points nestled all over the map, garrisoned by creeps to start, but soon taken over by one side or the other, and used to create new buildings and units. It’s an innovative idea, like Dawn of War’s node capture and hold idea, but taken to a new level, where once the node is captured, it can produce units or research technology (which seems like a way cooler use of the node than JUST to gather resources). I don’t even know how the new resource system works, but it surely must, because they’re already having competitive games. I just can’t wait to try it out.

Soon we will have access to this phenomenal game, the lore and history built into it. They have a heroes sub mod which adds in the minor players back into the playable units pool. Like the two blue wizards, and many other second age characters. I’m quite ecstatic over this breaking news.