The Other Side

Good morning blog. I’m feeling ok, perhaps a little tired. I went down to the pharmacy this morning thinking I was going to have to wait to my meds filled since my doctor had called them in over two weeks ago. But those ladies were on top of it. They had everything ready and I was out of there just as soon as I had come in.

Doing that drive down through old town reminds me of those nights when I would get off work and come down to the San Diego House and wait for Jax to get off work. I would sit in the car and sing and look forward to when she could sit with me and talk about our day. It was really nice having someone I could do that with. Even though we were sometimes on different pages, there was nothing quite like that ride home with her, as we got reconnected after work. It’s a good memory, and it reminds me of the advantages of a partnership.

I’m hoping today is not another miserably slow day with nothing to do. I don’t want to just sit at my desk and stare mindlessly at the screen for hours on end. That was painful on Wednesday. But I’m getting paid whether I work or not, and I’m coming back in on Saturday for another shift, one of three that I picked up this month. My wages should be well within the healthy category. And I’m pleased to report that all my bills are paid and done for the month. It feels really good to be on top of my shit.

Sometimes I get to feeling that I’m not worth very much, or really likable at all. All my partners have gone away after having spent much time with me. I was with Jennifer for 4 years, Emelia for 2 and Jax for a little over 1. Eventually things go to shit, and I’m a big part of why that happens. But it’s not just on me, I contribute to the dysfunction but I down own it outright. I’ve made some hasty decisions and even more poorly thought-out ones in reference to love. I don’t really think building a lasting relationship is in the cards for me. Not now, not anytime soon. I’m still a case study: a volatile person with a severe mental illness and disparaging tendencies. I have tons of work still to do on myself before I ever consider roping someone else into the equation. I have to reiterate this point because my loneliness cries out for change, but it’s not that easy. In this area, it will take me a great deal of work before I am ready to go on to the next thing.

So I have some stuff on my mind. But my shift is about to start. I’ll keep you updated if I’m having a slow day.

**UPDATE 1:20 pm**

It’s been medium. Pretty slammed in billing, not much in drive thru. I’m feeling mixed up today. Not really sure where I stand. I can tell you that I’m not having much fun at work. I’m struggling to keep myself focused. It seems like my brain is a bit fuzzy. Hopefully this goes away soon.

**UPDATE 3:15 pm**

Well it’s finally slowing down. I was busy, but still able to play the song lyrics game with Mike. This day has gone by pretty fast, but I still have a few hours of it to go still. I’m not as hazed as I was before. I have been pretty busy doing my job and don’t really have the luxury of being slow.