Today, Tomorrow

I crashed and burned this Monday. I was totally out of it when I left home this morning and, since then, have tried to force myself to do what I normally would. My attempts to gut it out failed not long after I got to work and discovered I could hardly talk (I was so drowsy I was slurring my speech). Then I tried to do anything I could to get myself right, and that failed as well. I was drowning in exhaustion and deeply unhappy. I took myself off the front burner, and went home.

Since getting here I have not felt better, only worse. My mood continues to plummet and my fatigue extends broadly over my activities. I tried to do things I would typically enjoy, and none of that brought me any happiness. I often stare blankly at my computer screen, feeling the crush of having so few things to look at or puzzle over. With my mood in the gutter, there’s very little I can do to lift myself out of this tough spot. I’ve tried distractions, but all I can really think about is how shitty I feel. I want to sit here and cry because I feel so alone, so cut-off from the world. There’s no barricade between me and the sadness; it pours into my thoughts like running water. I just don’t have much of a life. I’m isolated, and when my parents are gone next week I will have hardly anyone to spend time with or feel nourished by. I am going to have to face it without help, and I don’t much like that thought.

As I sit here writing this, I feel an ache pressing down in my chest. I have little tears pooling up in the corners of my eyes, and my face is bent in a frown. I’m feeling stranded on an island of suffering, and there is no rescue from it. Everything that could potentially take me away from it is poisoned and unusable. I would try and distract myself, play a game, watch a movie, something. But every time I try, I am reminded of how terrible I feel. It groans in me and presses my organs down into pulp. All I can think about is how fucking stupid I am, and how there is no escape from my suffering.

I want it to be night so I can just go to sleep and be done with today. I’m frustrated and tired of this mood, this rotten disposition. I’m so sad, I’m crying and I don’t know why or what good any of this is doing me. I just don’t want to feel so alone, so isolated from the world. I’m not generally likable. I’m more of an ass who has to be right all the time. I don’t have many friends. I lean on my family for support but they will be out of town again soon. Then I will have no one. I’m here in my cold apartment by myself and not able to be saved from torment. I’m suffering so badly. My tears have turned to sobs. I’m doing the best I can to be coherent and introspective despite all that. It’s hard to look at yourself when things are so awful. All I can think about is how bad it hurts, how sinking and crushing the feeling is. There’s nothing I can do to escape it.

I just want today to be over, so I can start again tomorrow without this terrible burden on me.

**UPDATE 5:00 pm**

After a long cry, I’m feeling a little better. I’m going to bed early. I just want to be done with this whole state. It’s just unrelentingly painful. I don’t think there’s much to do here but start over. Push the reset button.

If you asked me to describe what I am sad about, I would not be able to say. I just feel so poisoned by negativity, and drunk with exhaustion. It felt like I got two hours of shitty sleep and woke up in the trough of a depressive cycle. Sometimes this happens: the mood that I counted on for stability completely fails leaving me stranded in a place of unending torment. But I’m mentally ill, so I guess this is par for the course.

My mind was hoping for a chance to understand why this has happened, but everywhere I look I’m offered no explanation. Nothing has changed except the date and time. My neurochemestry is a flawed entity with substandard corrective potential. I do the best I can, and cut my losses. Full retreat into sleep.

**UPDATE 6:30 pm**

I called my bro Will, who also struggles with depression. He helped me come up with some reasons why not to despair. He reminded me of all the positive steps I have taken leading up to today, and how none of that can be undone by this feeling of sadness. I’m still having a hard time feeling good about anything, but his words, and others who have spoken up, are helping me feel less alone.

9 thoughts on “Today, Tomorrow

  1. My heart is going out to you tonight, my dear friend.
    It is going to be okay. You are not alone. You have instant access to the entire world via the web. Reach out. I think you did so already one way, in this honest post. Someone is waiting for you. There are places you must be and things you must do. This is but a rough bump in the road that was supposed to be paved. You’re still shining. Even in the dark. Your pain illuminates your humanness.

    • Thank you very much Mandy. It’s especially trying for me, because I enjoy being able to think my way out of a tough spot, or at least have some ability to change my mood. But when THIS happens, I struggle deeply because the sadness has no origin, no boundaries. I am devoured by it, and become enveloped. Your words are meaningful, and I respect them. You help me to realize that despite what I may feel, I am indeed not alone, and even in my loneliest most vulnerable state, there are others who see me and realize who I am. It’s really as simple as acknowledgement; a sign of recognition that helps to drive off the present misery of solitude. You bring a candle into my dark room, and I truly thank you for that.

  2. You write intelligently and coherently despite an horrendous mood. I don’t always read your posts; I’m not into the pastimes you enjoy, but this post is so human and it feels like I’m reading an authors work. Have you considered writing, apart from blogs?
    When I have been low, I sat outside(the sunlight is supposed to help) and read a huge, novel. Despite the tears clouding my vision(they just wouldn’t stop that day) I kept going so that the next meal to prepare would come, the routine of shower and night and finally sleep would come so I could start afresh the next day. I also work out daily before I do anything else(before my brain switches on and says No, go back to sleep). I find this invaluable (which you will notice on my blog ponderings), to set the tone for the day. Even if it goes downhill from there, I have something positive to look back on.
    I am Cyclothymic so my low mood generally doesn’t last long and is not as severe(normally) as what you describe, so I applaud you for getting through.
    Skinny Jeans Mum

    • Thank you very much. Your compliments are appreciated. I do the best I can to articulate my moods and thoughts using the language skills I’ve acquired over my years of education. Sometimes writing things out is one of my only coping skills, and I’m sure glad I have it. I agree that sunlight somehow helps, and can give that a shot when next I find myself in a tough spot. Your advice is welcome and appreciated. Thanks for stopping by.

    • And no, I have not considered any sort of professional writing. I prefer to write as a mechanism for dealing with my pent-up feelings and thoughts that would otherwise be unknown, and unrecognized. I find that giving even the most trivial of thoughts some permanence as words greatly alleviates the emotion or perturbation that was the original cause of my need to write. Expressing it, and letting it have life beyond my head acknowledges that thought/feeling and legitimizes it’s right to exist. It now has a life of it’s own, free of my head, where it can get all the recognition it wants. Writing is highly therapeutic, but it doesn’t always result in my mood improving. Sometimes the writing just makes me more aware of how deeply I suffer, or how hopeless things are. I hope you have a good day, and thank you again for your kind words.

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