Largely Unchanged

I’m still not feeling all that great, but here we are, at the start of a new day. I gave myself plenty of time to rest, but my neurochemestry has not rapidly rebounded, instead, maybe coming about half way back to normal. I feel slow, like my actions and movements are dragging laboriously through invasive jelly. I plod on through the muck of despair regardless. My mind is hung up on sad songs reminding me of being alone, or the revitalizing passion of love; a feeling I am utterly alien to now. I am wondering how I am going to get through today. I can’t afford to retreat back into my apartment again, I used up that “get out of jail free” card yesterday. I can put my best face on and go out there and be in front of the eye of the world, and submit to scrutiny. I feel bleached and tattered, devoid of color and substance. I sit here drinking my coffee, and I register that it is warm, but it does not make me happy, or even feel more awake. I don’t know how I am going to do this today.

 

I have struggled before, and I will surely do so again. What defines me is my ability to persevere and survive these wretched states despite the inward spiral they initiate. I can’t afford to go missing. I often think about the hole that would be left in the worlds of some if I took my own life. How they would miss me, and simultaneously hate me for doing it. How much more selfish an action is there to deprive yourself of the full responsibility of life? I know that nothing about being alive with a mental illness is easy, but inflicting great pain on others is not where my head is at. I’m not desperate for a solution, just sad that there isn’t one. Depression has it’s fangs in me, and it’s holding on tightly in case I try to get away.

 

Blog, I’m sad that this is the tempo that will set my day in motion. I was hoping that after a good night’s rest I would be (more or less) prepared to have a good day. My mood is not cooperating. I’m not sure that there’s anything that can be done. I’m drinking my coffee. Soon I will put on my dress shirt and get in my truck and drive to work. I will be faced with the challenge of bringing a positive demeanor and attitude to my every action, forcing an unprecedented level of energy to be expended above the norm. I have no choice.

 

I really hope that I steadily improve even if the signs of that are not present. I will try to do the best job I can, and set aside this terrible pain and try to perform at my normal level. I can’t promise success, but I can certainly try for it.

**UPDATE 8:45 am**

I’m here waiting for my shift to start. I feel deeply depressed, acutely so. I’m absolutely out of control in my head right now, with thoughts, feelings, music and nightmarish notions all spinning around on a carousel. I wish it were different. I wish my head was not so maladjusted and that I would be able to have a good day. Happiness is far from reach. I feel hollow and empty of vitality. As the nervous seconds tick by, I contemplate fleeing this situation, but know logically that I cannot. I would only be hurting my future for the momentary needs of my present. I will just have to hit this out, and get to 6:00 pm in one piece.

**UPDATE 1:00 pm**

I’m barely hanging on. People have gone out of their way to insult me and treat me like shit on the phones. It’s almost as if they could sense my weakened state and then move in for the kill. I’ve handled calls pretty much non stop since I clicked in. I have had no break from the queues. They are overflowing with incoming calls, and most people are content to still goof off and otherwise vacate responsibility and professionalism.

I am probably going to stay until 4:30 or 5 and then go. I am beat, mentally deflated and crushingly depressed. I have negotiated an activity for tonight: I will be making new tumble loads out of the loose rock we have on hand. I’m not sure what that means for my current situation. I feel so acutely miserable, it becomes hard to imagine there being much else. I’m suffering and I don’t like it. It’s been so hard to do this customer service job. It saps me of my vital energy and leaves me desperate for positive feelings. I continue on regardless of hardship, for about as long as I can manage.

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