75%

I’m returning to normal operations after a short plummet into depression. Monday and Tuesday were both really bad, with my energy and mood rendering me about 5% functional. I missed time at work because I found myself totally incapable of doing my high-energy job. I was no better than 15% functional in Tuesday, as taking 35 calls nearly drained the life from my limbs. After that abbreviated shift, I had a good evening with my family, a solid meal, and got a chance to pour over all the stones Moo and I had collected over the years to make some loads for the tumblers. That whole conclusion to the day, punctuated by helpful responses from the community here on WordPress and an uplifting conversation with my best friend Will, helped to get me on track.

This morning when I woke up I knew I was tired, but not overly depressed. I was low-energy at therapy because I hadn’t had any coffee and was still not quite overflowing with enthusiasm and hand gestures like I would be normally. But it was good to go there and just rehash my state, and go over the reasons not to plunge deeper into depression. I left there feeling positive, bought myself a big coffee, and went to work. My shift starts at 9:30 am and ends at 6:00 pm when the call queues close. I never once thought about ducking out early. I cruised through the day, getting resolutions and placing exchange orders with accuracy and ease. I say my overall functionally was up near 75% today. I was still pretty tired by the end of my shift, but I was confidant that I had done well and will continue to improve tomorrow.

Today I was out of the billing queue, as it is my mandated day off from taking those calls. But tomorrow and Friday I will have my feet to the fire once more. We at Mood Media have been extra vigilant about harassing customers with a past-due balance of any sort with a call or letter indicating we will shut off their service in 48 hours if they don’t pay. And sometimes they have paid, but get threatened anyway. So when wrongly persecuted people call in, they’re usually upset. That, and people who are incorrectly billed, or have had money withdrawn from their account and they don’t know why. Those are some of my “favorites,” where pretty much no matter what I’m able to accomplish on the phone, it’s going to be a miserable exchange. Tomorrow I do believe I will have enough strength to handle the most vile of billing calls. Bring. It. On.

Today was excellent progress from where I was. And Thursday will be a step forward from my 75% mark today. I know how serious my depression can be. It can crush me down flatter than hammered shit if it wants to. Sometimes the chemicals in my brain do not allow for me to experience any sort of positive feeling. I am rendered incapacitated by sadness, defeated by depression or otherwise maladjusted by the lack of certain neuro-transmitters between synapses. I have come to expect that with no warning or instigation, my whole demeanor can be changed, downgraded or otherwise obliterated. This is my illness. I have survived the many terrible things it has managed to do to me so far, and I will persevere through challenges yet to be posed. Reading this blog must truly be difficult to do: my posts are all over the spectrum, varying in seriousness and subject matter almost as dramatically as my fickle moods. I never intended this blog to be anything more than a sounding board for my thoughts, or a diary of my activities to keep the insanity at bay. 807 posts later, it seems to be doing the trick.

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8 thoughts on “75%

  1. Good for you! I have therapy tommorow after two weeks off. Cant sleep now cant delve into my issues either. I took a klonopin. Bought a new tv had a bomb drop on me etc. Same ol shit

    • Wow, sorry to hear things are going poorly. At least you get to go back to therapy and sort through some of that stuff. I know therapy really helps me see my own mechanics, and reactions to things all put into perspective. It grounds me in reality. I hope the same for you today.

    • I certainly will keep posting. Maintaining this blog is an active part of how I cope with my mental illness. It narrates my struggles, triumphs, and all odd places in between. I appreciate your comment. Stop by anytime.

      • That’s fantastic. What better way to be introspective than through the written word? I find that the harder I look, and the more carefully I inpack my thoughts, the more beneficial this place becomes. I will subscribe to your blog, as we have common ground in the ongoing struggle with mental illness. It’s refreshing to hear from someone who takes the same solace in writing that I do.

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