Today has been largely bad. I struggled from the get-go with my energy at 45% and diminishing as the morning wore on. By the time 2:30 rolled around I was done. I packed up my show and went home.
I then fell deeper into sadness, allowing loneliness to take a hold of me. I missed my parents, and I generally felt stranded in a world without people. I made myself dinner and watched a movie on my way to bed.
I just got off the phone with my dad, and they are going to be gone for a month or more. They’re trying to help my sister rearrange her life, and will be going to Sacramento after they’re done at Lake Isabella. Weekends of running over to my Uncle’s house will come to an end when football is over, of which there are really only two weeks left. I’m going to have to be my own best friend, because I’m all I have left.
I was feeling bad about my situation, but it’s changing rapidly. What better an opportunity to prove to myself that I can indeed be on autopilot and not need anyone else around to hold me up? I have a chance to show how strong I have become, and how stable I am. I’m not saying that I’m going to just romp through my days with a happy-go-lucky demeanor, but I can remain upbeat and be good to myself. This is going to be hard, because I know how easily I can become frazzled or otherwise burnt out. I need to do everything in my power to ensure I stay afloat.
Tonight my sadness lingers. It reminds me that I will be alone. It brings to light all the people I’ve loved who have given up on me. It makes me think about painful memories that are lined with regret. I can’t change what has happened, but I can try and get going in a different direction. I can assemble a new chapter in my life, with a foundation in small successes over a great deal of time. This is part of what I have already started to do. So I don’t fret for long, but I still waiver.
I hope you have a good night blog. I’m going to bed. I’ve had my fill of today.