I’m here in my truck before my shift starts. I feel somewhat mixed: nagging sadness hangs over a will to drive forward. So far, I’m not bailing out of my responsibilities because things feel bad. I’m enduring the pain and marching on regardless. It would be nice to have an upbeat demeanor, but that would require a shift in the foundation (being built on sadness).
I am bummed that I will be going it alone this month, and then some. I talk a lot about not having someone, but do I really want the implication of that feeling? I’m not on the market, I’m doing nothing whatsoever to seek out companionship, and fundamentally have no interest in it. I may be lonely, but that’s my road; one that I’m unwilling to break away from. I have achieved such unprecedented stability, and wealth, that I would not dare jeopardize it for easy companionship. The truth of the matter is that I am unlikely to find someone else who would be willing to deal with me. My violent mood swings, my dark deteriorations, and my pessimism. I’m not an easy person to love. Not at all. I don’t want to get involved with someone only to have to disappoint them when they find out who I really am.
My heart is empty. I don’t know that there is a resolution to any of that. I feel unsatisfied, unwanted, alone. Here at work, it’s only a reiteration of that, as I grind through call after call with no pause to socialize or gossip. I just do my job, regardless. It’s not very fulfilling, except for the motivation I give myself so that I can do well and succeed. But I’m just a conjurer, and I manage to fool myself into a positive state more often than not. It’s really only after time and repetition that the veil is lifted and sadness invades. It seems like my depression is gnawing at the edges of my stability waiting for a chance to come back in. Incessantly.
So I’m resolved to make it through a full day today, and for the rest of the week. I have nothing else going on in my world to otherwise occupy me from this duty. I have lost my flare and passion. My desire to game has all but vanished of late. I have been mostly reading things with my down-time, and writing out my struggles here. I’m generally hopeless. There will be no easy way out of this long stretch of solitude. There’s no where to go, no one’s arms to hide in. I have to stand up against it and do everything I can to hold it off, and push it back.
I’m going to get through this. It’s just hard, perhaps abnormally so for someone of my disposition. Struggling and prevailing is part of the lesson I still am learning. That things can feel desolate and empty, but that is not forever. The pendulum swings, and things are better again.
**UPDATE 1:00 pm**
It’s been a tough day. I’ve had lots to do all the way through to this point. My mind is a tad mushy. I’m having to be extra careful that I do not screw up any orders. But things are moving along. I still have the longer half of my day to go, and already I can see that it will be boring. But what can you do?
I’m putting my head down and doing what is asked of me. I’m not really in the mood to wander around and talk to people like some of these guys seem content to do. I just went up to the gas station to fill up my truck, and I didn’t buy any junk to eat. Small victories. But I’m dragging. Feeling the press of anguish and the energy to defend myself from it slowly draining away. As my day goes on it will get less stressful. I don’t have much left to give. I’m struggling for balance here but that seems to be a far-off objective. I don’t have the resources left to correct my port side list. Maybe I’ll do better than how I actually feel. I hope.
**UPDATE 3:30 pm**
I went and got myself a big coffee, and that was nice. I’m hanging tough despite many factors weighing me down. I feel sad, but not overly so. I can sense that my emotions are right in the forefront, flattening my potential exuberance. But things are ok, I suppose. I should find a way to get out of my shell this week, maybe by the weekend that will be manageable. We shall see.