Still

I’m still in a down place, but not so detrimental to be able to hinder my actions today. Change from this comes slowly, and through a reapplication of the pattern. I need to continue to press on, and get in a full day today and the next. I will be over 40 hours this week, even with my early recess yesterday because I go in for training on Saturday. I’m here in the cold air of my stone-floored apartment and I am drinking a cup of french-pressed coffee. It has been an awesome change from the machine, which I guess was just so junked-up and corroded from the 2,000 pots of coffee I made in it that there was no real choice but to dump it. Coffee was starting to taste bitter, rancid and foul… among other adjectives to punctuate a failed machine. I’m sitting here in front of my computer screen wondering how it is that I’m going to make it through today. I just feel so acutely sorrowful, as if the dagger of sadness was buried in my chest. But I have to truck on, I have to survive and strive. I’m listening to Gollum’s Song, because it almost perfectly matches my current disposition. But it’s not helping me feel better.

It’s Tuesday. I know that I will be busy at work today, because I always am in the first half of the day. Now I have even fewer people around me who I can talk to now that Oscar has moved to the other row. I sit next to Jeff now, who I generally find to be an instigator and an idiot. Ryan is a decent fellow, but his work ethic is terrible and he doesn’t do his job very well. I have like zero respect for most of the people there, as they do not apply themselves and try hard. There’s no one there who is like me.

This just leads me back to feeling alone. I have no friends at work, I have no time for much of a life outside of my job. I am locked in. I have acquaintances, but none of which I would call sympathizers with my mental illness. They all get that I’m mentally ill, but there’s no one around who wants to get any closer than that (not that I blame them). It’s just a matter of fact. I push people away because of my disorder, and the general fear that pervades affects everyone I know to some degree. Especially now that I have spiraled into suicide attempts in my past.

Well, none of that is going to prevent me from trying my best to have a decent day. I’m enjoying my coffee even though I feel sad. I’m thinking optimistically about the work ahead of me, not framing things in a negative way. I will go out there and give it my best effort, regardless of how mightily I struggle. Today I will not be the victim of my mental illness.

I wish you all the best of luck, in doing whatever it is that you do that brings you fulfillment. I will press on despite hardships, pain and suffering. This is my life, these are my footsteps.

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2 thoughts on “Still

    • Thank you. Days like these are tough because I start off feeling so very low, and it makes me wonder where the great sum of energy I need to get through my day will come from. I know I can do it. But staring up to the top is daunting, because I have a long way to go before I get there.

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