I’m at a special time in a relationship when the preliminary hurdles have been overcome: what mistakes were made in the past, what socially unacceptable things are a part of who I am, what sour chapters of my history that have been etched in the obelisk of my life, and so on. Once you get past the brutal reality, there is only green grass and warm sunlight for miles. The next task becomes exploration of a vast new land, full of secrets waiting to be unearthed. I’ve done this part of a relationship many times before, but I feel like I held back my preferences and beliefs, because they were not compatible with my partner. Some things I found caused me concern, but I never voiced it. I kept those things a secret from my partners and stuffed them down, stranding them in an oubliette of forgetting. I cannot do that again.
In this time of discovery, things begin to feel safer. The things that could have caused major differences are past, and what remains is largely about appreciation. The tumble into understanding hastens, and intimacy deepens as the pages are turned. I want to fall in love with Amanda, and I think I will. As I open up to her, I will unfurl my emotions and they will solidify into connections that bring us closer together. My heart already beats for her, and that energy invades all parts of me. My manhood is electric for her physical self, rising even with just a few words of trust from her lips. I am a machine, pumping the fluids of eccentric joy. I have found someone who I desire to know deeply, of who’s respect I yearn for, and who’s body I’m enslaved by.
Tonight is a night of peace, as the fertile land of my uncharted journey lays beneath me; a welcoming landscape I pine to explore. And soon I shall, and I will find myself neck deep in enthusiasm for her, as if I wasn’t already.
Have a tranquil and restful night. On the cusp of great things, I bid thee farewell.
331 days since I tried to kill myself, and my life with Jax came to an end.
218 days since I started working for Mood Media.
115 days since I moved into my apartment.
63 days since I was officially divorced.
12 days since I met Amanda.