Rock Or Marshmallow?

I’m meeting Amanda’s ex husband on Sunday. Why you ask? Because he doesn’t trust Amanda’s judgement about what a “good guy” is, and wants to vet me before trusting me around his son. I don’t blame him for this concern, because in and of itself, it’s legitimate. But to base this encounter on a lack of trust is not a good motivation to meet someone. This is not about curiosity, it’s a security concern, one that I must both adhere to and comprehend fully. I’m thinking that this may not be a very friendly meeting. I’m also hoping to reveal zero percent of my flamboyant, emotional self, as this would be interpreted as general weakness. Apparently, Jesse is a robot; both callous and cold. I can say that I have been those things at certain times of my life, but never as a trait. So I have raised shields to maximum and armed the photon torpedoes. I’m prepared for whatever he asks, and I don’t intend to mislead or otherwise lie. Not at all. I just only want him to see some of me. Not all. I intend to put his fears to rest. Hopefully. But this whole encounter has me thinking lots of anxious thoughts. Nothing I can’t handle, but I feel the wheels turning about this. So wish me luck.

As Things Get Better…

Score: +2.5

Things in my life are coming together, and I’m really excited about where I am headed. I have been assertively vigilant about my mental health, and that has paid dividends in stability. I have nourished my social self, which has culminated in a rewarding relationship with a wonderful woman. I have excelled at work, getting a bounty of opportunities to strive and succeed. Things are improving as time goes on, and I apply myself fully to my life.

As things get better, I will find less cause to come here and express my inner-dialogue. Why? Because it’s the negativity that I am trying to get out if my head, and when I have very few problematic thoughts, I find fewer reasons to rant. Trust me, I will still be using this place as a tool for reflecting introspectively, but there won’t be a post a day like there had been.

I have been diligently keeping score, even if I am not posting. I have 16 days worth of entries so far, at an average of 2.7. I’m on the low-end of the good range, for sure. I’m only slightly concerned about my energy, as that has been a little low of late. But I’m really, truly, doing wonderfully. Im happy all the way through me. My body, however, may enter full revolt soon. I have been repeatedly exposed to viruses and believe I may have contracted one. I’m not sure though. I was able to chase off a vile headache this morning with 250mg of Naproxen, but I’m waiting for the hammer. I have been pounding the vitamin c, so here’s hoping it works!

Have a great day blog. Things are at a new unprecedented level. I’m so satisfied with my life. I’m falling in love with an amazing person, and I’m healthier than I have been in years. I think this is the path I was meant to walk; I am executing a philosophy of self care, and it is rewarding me greatly. Thank you for being here through all the crazy ups and downs, your feedback is greatly appreciated.


Score: +2

As the week goes on, I find myself in a stasis between functional and exhausted. I have a 6 day work week, culminating in a 6:00 am to 2:30 pm shift on Saturday. Things have slowed down to historic lows at my job, to the point of wondering why there are as many of us as there are on staff. I mean, I understand the caution in always wanting enough people to handle the influx of potential issues, but our staff seems bloated. We could stand to lose 3-4 people and still be in great shape. Plus, if we cut the weakest ones, then the extra work they were making via their mistakes will also go away, leaving more time for the rest of us to do our jobs.

Today Jojo, a seasoned veteran of the DTOC, came to my desk and asked me a question that he could have asked a manager, but he chose me instead. And I didn’t know the answer, but I went and found out what it was and told him. I was shocked. Why should I need to field a question form Jojo? He should know 7 times as many things as I do. But either way, it felt amazing to be needed, and to provide an answer.

Today is night 3 of my consecutive trips to my parent’s RV. My sister is coming over for dinner too. It’s one of the last few nights we will all have together before they hit the road for Florida and the keys. They will have quite an adventure and I am glad for them. But they will be out of the equation for a long time, and I will have to do without them for months. This makes me a tiny bit sad, but more happy for what fun they will have.

Well shit. It’s time I got back to work. See you later.

One Day

Score: +1

I was in a rut right from the start. I felt down, like the wind had been taken out of my sails. I went to work and did my job admirably, but it was much harder than normal to maintain my composure. Songs would play on the overhead speakers and I would nearly lose my shit. I wanted to cry when “I Will Wait” by Mumford & Sons came on.

This is the result of an imbalance in my brain, which sometimes, cannot be avoided. Occasionally symptoms just happen, given no rhyme or reason. I had a fantastic weekend, and a productive day at work, and I was blue all the while. These things last for a day, but only rarely do they repeat themselves or merit extra attention. A blip on the radar of time, nothing more.

Despite the score, I am at a good, healthy average of 2.79 on the scale which is in the “Goldilocks zone” between 2 and 5 (an area I most desire to stay in because it represents unprecedented stability and also happiness).

Between 1 and -1 there is a significant loss of abundant energy. Things have recoiled to a minimal level, and are operating on low power standby. If that makes any sense.

Between -2 and -5 any number of bad events can cause a decline to this point. It is only problematic if it represents an ongoing trend.

And the polar ends of the scale account for accentuated episodes of extreme emotions, often culminating moments (between +/- 6 and +/- 10). So we need not overly worry ourselves over one shitty day. Bad times are usually prolonged, so as long as we can avoid that, I think things are going to be just fine.


02/20/15 – Score: +2
02/21/15 – Score: +3.5
02/22/15 – Score: +3

The last three days have been crazy. Friday I was busy all day on the phones. I made more outgoing calls than I took out of the queue by a 2:1 ratio. My brain was a mashed cantaloupe by the end of the day.

Friday night I went and picked up Amanda and we drove over to my parent’s RV and I formally introduced her to them. It went great. We all sat around and joked and passed the pipe. I picked up some food that I was to keep safe in my fridge and Amanda and I came back to my apartment to spend the night. We talked, played Katamari Damacy and held hands on my futon. I’m adjusting to having someone new who I can touch and feel… all theses areas in me have been laying dormant for a while until now. And I feel a shift has occurred: I don’t pine for sex the same way I used to with other partners. I think it’s because Amanda is willing to be open and emotional with me, and I feel connected to her in a way that supersedes the intimacy of physicality. Don’t get me wrong though blog, the sex is wonderful, but it’s not the primary way I’m bonding to her.

Saturday was the day of my dad’s 60th birthday party, and many things needed to be done. My truck was a huge part of the plan. I packed it full to the brim in La Mesa with goods and supplies, then drove everything into mission valley off Qualcomm way where the venue for the party was located. The place was a property managed by Oakwood, and the only reason we got to hold our big party there was because Tina (my mom’s brother’s wife) hooked it up for is for free. It was a giant room, with a pool table, three bar areas for sitting, a living room with couches and three TVs, a big kitchen and a theatre. Yes, a theatre, with maybe 20 recliners in four tiered rows and a digital projector mounted to the ceiling. Nice. Anyway, I carried all the supplies, food, drinks and decorations down there and unloaded it all into the room. But I could not stay there and help set it up, because I had two loads of laundry to do and that was likely to take the better part of 3 hours to complete. If I didn’t do it then, I was not going to have clean clothes for the week. So Amanda and I hung out at my place and had a nice afternoon together. Then we hopped right back in the truck and went to the party two hours early to help. Once things got going it was all in autopilot. The party went great. I did tech support and got a slide show going on the theatre room projector. Then people started showing up.

Now, I was aware that the dress code was “cocktail party” but had thought about this earlier in the day. Was I really going to dress up and then work my ass off all evening with the cleaning in my slick digs? I thought of myself struggling to keep my sleeves rolled up while I got water and food all over my button up shirt and slacks. It was a bad idea to clean up after a 30 person party in my best outfit. So I did not dress up, I wore my working clothes. I do somewhat regret doing this. But I also knew what had to be done. No one else was going to wash the dishes but me. No one else was going to pack up dinner and move shit back into my truck. I didn’t mind not being dressed up because I was working, and being an effective worker is more important than looking temporarily sharp.

Amanda came to the rescue and helped me in my effort to clean and pack nearly everything before the party died down. People started leaving, and Amanda and I must have made 15 trips from the room to the truck carrying things. My dad helped towards the end because he could see us busting ass to clean up and I think he wanted to feel useful. But it was HIS party. He should have just relaxed.

After the truck was (again) stuffed to the brim with things, we headed back to my apartment and unloaded the perishable food and coolers back into my kitchen. We faded out rapidly into blissful sleep.

Sunday was the day that I was supposed to go paintballing, but as morning arrived, I realized that my plan was doomed. I still had my whole truck jammed with stuff from the party, and no where to put it. I couldn’t unload it into my apartment. Doing so would then obligate me to pack it back up again when I was done with paintball, THEN drive it somewhere to be unpacked. I took Amanda home first and was headed out to rural Lakeside where the course was located, but I stopped less than half way: I aborted paintball, as I realized the commitment I made to help my family with my dad’s party sill required my attention.

I spun a lie to my coworkers about why I could not go, and I don’t care to disclose the truth to them about the reality of my priorities. My life, and its intricate workings, are not knowledge I want them to have. So to them, my alternator died, and I went to have it fixed for $380. Done. I was already in El Cajon, so I went by storage and pulled the last of the polished rocks out of the tumbler. I bagged those up, went home and loaded both coolers back into my truck and any additional boxes that needed moving. I took everything to my parents RV, and there we sifted through it to remove anything that was going to stay with my parents. My sister and I drove separately to the storage unit (again), where I unpacked the last of the things from the party, and loaded a big rug and an inflatable bed into the jeep for my sister to take with her to my cousin’s house. It was only at this point did I stop working for the party. I went home again, but quickly went back down the street and bought all the groceries I would need for the week ahead. I made lunch and did some of the final chores at my apartment. At around 3:45 I took off for Amanda’s house to help her do her housework that she was behind on (having spent almost no time at home because she was with me). I got there to find her unconventional friend Kasey there with her developmentally delayed son doing their laundry at Amanda’s expense and using her hot water to clean Kasey’s son Gavyn. He’s 3, and can’t speak any words yet, and he is sill wearing a diaper because he is not potty trained. He cries and freaks out a lot, and rolls around on the ground squealing and flapping his arms when things don’t go his way. His mom is a meth addict who’s primary occupations are prostitution and stripping. I don’t know what kind of mom she is. I mean, from what I can see she does care and love her son, but I don’t know enough to pass judgement. I just see things from the outside and begin to wonder. But anyway, while Kasey was there I helped Amanda clean every single dish in her sink, then hauled all the trash down to the dumpsters, then folded all her clean clothes and Tristan’s clothes and put them away. By the time 6:15 rolled around Kasey was gone and Amanda and I ordered a sushi feast and brought it back to her apartment. A wonderful way to spend an evening… in her company.

Blog, this has been quite a weekend as you can see. I have been busy the whole way through. I know ur was wrong of me to lie about not being able to go to paintball, but I value my privacy tremendously at work, and don’t ever want to let anyone in on how the priorities of my life are arranged. I don’t want them to be in on it. So I tell lies to protect myself.

I’ve had an eventful weekend. I hope yours was good as well. I feel strongly about Amanda, and I am so impressed how she handled a difficult situation. She rose to the occasion, and I am so thankful for her help. She made things go a lot easier, and worked until she was injured. I’m glad she’s on my team. That’s for sure.

Let Me Explain

Score: +2.5

I will admit to having had a slower than usual day today. Mentally, I mean. I woke up way too late this morning and have been a bit sluggish; plodding through the marsh like a Diplodocus. But it has been a good shift; I have been productive and have also solved problems right and left. I even had a chance to train someone from the repair department on how we do things in customer support. That was fun, to have someone to teach, because I’m a superb instructor.

Overall things have been great. My mental health is at an all-time high of stability and functionality. I am working hard to make sure my brain operates normally. My relationship with Amanda is progressing naturally and has already offered me a great deal of happiness. Blog, my life is fairly simple: I work, a rest, I smoke a bowl once every 3-5 days or so for kicks. I don’t need much to keep me entertained and I’m much easier to please than your average mook. I don’t yearn for a complex and advanced life; I have enough to worry about trying to balance my own meager set of affairs. Why overload myself with stimuli when very little is plenty to keep me happy?

You know what really drives me on? The promise of living a stable and honorable life. I don’t want fame, or power, and I generally don’t care about money. My upside down life has been an inwardly spiraling journey with the intent of balance but the reality of destruction.

I have always thought that a relationship was the thing I needed to be happy, but that has proven to be folly. I NEEDED a relationship to feel complete, and that’s right where it all went wrong. I NEEDED sex because it was something that felt good and was the only intimacy I understood. I have destroyed every relationship I’ve been in because I was not a whole person; I had gaping chasms that I was expecting love to fill.

I look back on that and regret, but it was a lesson I had to learn the hard way (through failure). I reflect, because at this moment, I am doing something totally new and departing from my relationship patterns of the past. I decided to fix myself first, before going looking for love again. I spent months rehashing pain, going to groups, getting my medications dialed in, and talking through my issues with an astute therapist. It took many consecutive days of that single-minded activity to accomplish a change. And the result is unprecedented security of self. I feel more aware and proud of who I am, and who I have become than EVER before.

I am falling in love again blog. It is a slower process than previously attempted, and I’m savoring the journey to being in love. I know that I am going in that direction, but the haste to arrive at commitment is gone, replaced by a cool patience and thoughtful comprehension. I really want to know who she is before I give her my heart. But I think I will give it to her, because that is what I want to do. I’m still very scared that I will be hurt again, but the root of that feeling is the trauma of abandonment. To be given up on several times by people you had completely pledged to is brutally painful. And I did this to myself by not being a complete “me” before deciding to be in a relationship. I have thought it out, and I know myself better now than I have in years. Years blog.

So this is a good time in my life. Things are changing; my caring for Amanda runs strong and deep. Apprehensive? A little. But I think it’s reasonable considering my history. But I do want her. I want her to be my only one, the keeper of my secrets, the guardian of my heart. I think I will get there with her, in time. All good things…

Waves – Blondfire

You hear them when you try to fall asleep,
They crash to the shore, they come from the deep.
As sure as a sun will rise a sun will set,
You taste the salt, the closer you get.

Picking you up, pushing you down.
Just like a dream, silver and green, we live in between.
They can carry you all the way to me, they can pull you out to the deep blue sea, oh waves,
There are waves.

Empires will crumble to the sand,
All that you love, can slip through your hand,
But you must face the ocean once again,
Follow the tides, wherever you’ve been.

Picking you up, pushing you down.
Just like a dream, silver and green, we live in between.
They can carry you all the way to me, they can pull you out to the deep blue sea, oh waves,
There are waves.